Accent: I don't think I have one, but Southern implants in CO tell me I have a "northern-ish" accent - Grew up on the WA/OR border
Booze of Choice: Long Island Teas mmm
Chore I Hate: Laundry and Dishes are pretty equal in my hate chore scale. Not changing from this stolen response, b/c ITA!!
Dog or Cat: 1 Black Lab (dog ;) ) and 1 red-ear slider turtle who will probably out live Charlie Brown and me both! (He's 27..the turtle!)
Essential Electronics: Does a curling iron count? LOL...that, phones, music players (of any type) and computers
Favorite Perfume: Basic Instinct by Victoria's Secret - I just hope they never discontinue it!
Gold or Silver: I do both - it all depends on the style and whether there are other colors in the piece
Hometown: Kelso, WA - though my current city in CO is likely to be listed if we ever move - I've come of age here!
Insomnia: Not consistently, but yes
Job Title: Mom, Wife, Admin Specialist (i.e. "secretary" in everyone's mind) for municipal Human Services Office
Kids: LMNOB - girl (5), PunkinHead -Boy (2.5) and Charlie Brown (3o), heehee!
Living Arrangement: KB "carriage home" aka TOTAL STARTER home, in a new cookie-cutter subdivision -with dh and kids
Most Admired Trait: Awareness of others and self - I guess, "discernment?"
Number of Sexual Partners: Just 1!!!! Though, we "rushed" this and began far earlier than I like to admit.
Overnight Hospital Stays: 1 - biking related head injury, 2 - 2 nights birthing and recovery of LMNOB, 3 - 3? nights birthing and recovery with Punkin Head - my water broke in early evening, and he didn't come out til early morning 2 dates later!
Phobia: I dont know if it's classifiable as a phobia... but I am very squeamish and freaked out by dental related things. Loose teeth, willies central - guess Charlie Brown will be pulling the stubborn teeth for our kids!
Quote: Well, I am a quotes junkie, indicated here, but one of my FAVORITES comes from the Word - Romans 12:2 -Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will I haven't gotten here yet but long for the day!
Religion: Christian
Siblings: 2 brothers, 1 sister, and 2 other brothers I don't know much
Time I Wake Up: 6:00-ish
Unusual Talent/Skill: I sing, but that's not so unusual....hmmm, I won several spelling bees as a child, and people at work trust me more than spell-check? (AGAIN, I am ANAL about spelling, noted in my intro, but am not the best typer, so it may not always appear that way)
Vegetable I Refuse To Eat: Hmmm....I dunno. I'm a try anything once kind of gal, and there isn't a veggie I've tried that I've sworn off.
Worst Habit: Yelling
X-rays: Pinkie, ribs, 2-3 on Ankles - so 4-5?
Yummy Foods I Make: Chicken enchiladas, Peachy Pork Chops, chocolate chip zucchini cake, whole wheat banana-craisin bread....I LOVE to cook and do it quite well, no matter the dish- or so I'm told!
Zodiac Sign: I am a Taurus - I believe there is something to be said for the stars signifying some things, a la the birth of Christ, etc, however, I don't think one can base their life off astrology...I believe in free will, versus the predestination that the aligning of the stars would allow for. I DO have to say that the character traits of the signs *have* been dead on in my experience.
speaking truth. celebrating mistakes. spreading hope.
Friday, March 31, 2006
TGIF 3/31/2006
Iiiit's FRIDAY!!! And a beautiful Friday morning in Colorado - sunny blue skies with fluffy white clouds. So enchanted by the morning, I was motivated to get out immediately after breakfasting and do the very strenuous Mommy WorkOut.
To Perform: place two children totalling approximately 70 lbs in a traditional Radio Flyer wagon. Pull load behind your Mommy-self, while trekking varied neighborhood terrain at a brisk pace for at least 1 mile.
In my case, we went up and down hills on the paved neighborhood trails for about 1.25 miles, the last .25 being a continually steady uphill grade, which had me sweating like a hog and breathing like an asthmatic. During our outing, I realized, my kids are pretty darned happy and well-adjusted! This in spite of my constant insecurity that the opposite is true. The basis for such an epiphany? The sounds I heard when I periodically focused enough to hear more than the wagon wheels noisily rolling along the pavement.
LMNOB sitting with Punkinhead, entertaining him with her heartsongs of the day:
"I love my Mo-o-o-mmeee, we have fu-u-u-n, I love my Da-a-a-dd-ee-ee-ee, he's so stro-o--ong! My brudder and me have so much to do today-ay-ay....."
I must be doing something right, eh?
So it's Friday...the rest of the day includes INTENSIVE house cleaning - we are a wreck right now! Scrapbooking crop night at my friend/day-care provider's home...bound to be fun, though I feel a smidge guilty b/c Charlie Brown had to be alone with the kids last night for my 2x/month evening meeting.
Tomorrow? We're off to the Denver Zoo with the kids, and ALL my IL's - parents and BIL's family, as my youngest neice and LMNOB both had March b'days and this was my MIL's travel compromise/gift for the kiddos.
Sunday is church...also Spring Forward. I'm looking forward to the extra daylight, but not losing that hour of sleep!
For now, I'm relishing it's still Friday for another 13+ hours :)
P.S. Yes, I am working on a post re: my day with LMNOB...I had it nearly complete when a misfortunate and erroneous deletion occured! We had a splendid time and so many memorable moments Wednesday, that I want to record it all, to look back and remember.
To Perform: place two children totalling approximately 70 lbs in a traditional Radio Flyer wagon. Pull load behind your Mommy-self, while trekking varied neighborhood terrain at a brisk pace for at least 1 mile.
In my case, we went up and down hills on the paved neighborhood trails for about 1.25 miles, the last .25 being a continually steady uphill grade, which had me sweating like a hog and breathing like an asthmatic. During our outing, I realized, my kids are pretty darned happy and well-adjusted! This in spite of my constant insecurity that the opposite is true. The basis for such an epiphany? The sounds I heard when I periodically focused enough to hear more than the wagon wheels noisily rolling along the pavement.
LMNOB sitting with Punkinhead, entertaining him with her heartsongs of the day:
"I love my Mo-o-o-mmeee, we have fu-u-u-n, I love my Da-a-a-dd-ee-ee-ee, he's so stro-o--ong! My brudder and me have so much to do today-ay-ay....."
I must be doing something right, eh?
So it's Friday...the rest of the day includes INTENSIVE house cleaning - we are a wreck right now! Scrapbooking crop night at my friend/day-care provider's home...bound to be fun, though I feel a smidge guilty b/c Charlie Brown had to be alone with the kids last night for my 2x/month evening meeting.
Tomorrow? We're off to the Denver Zoo with the kids, and ALL my IL's - parents and BIL's family, as my youngest neice and LMNOB both had March b'days and this was my MIL's travel compromise/gift for the kiddos.
Sunday is church...also Spring Forward. I'm looking forward to the extra daylight, but not losing that hour of sleep!
For now, I'm relishing it's still Friday for another 13+ hours :)
P.S. Yes, I am working on a post re: my day with LMNOB...I had it nearly complete when a misfortunate and erroneous deletion occured! We had a splendid time and so many memorable moments Wednesday, that I want to record it all, to look back and remember.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Organically fed, freshly shorn and ambivalently registered
Finally posted!
So, we had Mommy and LMNOB sittin' in a tree... day today. Not too much K-I-S-S-I-N-G, but a few showers of smooches made their way to her. She was so giddy today with the one on one attention. Definitely a must-encore tradition!
First, we dropped Punkinhead off at daycare. LMNOB made a big to-do out of it; when I prompted him for hugs and kisses, she followed suit, saying, "Give sissy kisses, PH." I about choked at the parroting she displayed there, but winked knowingly at our daycare provider instead.
Then, we stopped by Wild Oats to get Charlie Brown some lunch...he's been off to the gym first thing in the morning this week, and today he didn't get lunch fixed, knowing I was going to be around... We also picked up some tasty strawberries and organic granola...mmm.
We ate breakfast at home, on the patio - it was a gorgeous 70 degree day today, until the afternoon showers hit, but I knew that was going to happen - thanks to Kathy Sabine on last night's news. Then we goofed around with the camera some...I still haven't figured out the delay, and our "table tripod" is flat out worthless. So, if you see my arm extended, it's b/c I am snapping the shots and posing simultaneously.
This one probably turned out the best:
Hee-hee, armlength photos are funny:
Aww, a sweet little nuzzle
After we played around, we got out the nail polish..and my footscrub, gel and lotion. LMNOB practically floated to cloud 9 at this point. I have to agree, the mint-eucalyptus treatment with a light breeze tickling the feet was VERY refreshing. Then, to rinse, we used the hose - bbrrrrr, but we had a great time, squealing and giggling like we were both 5 years old! Toes and fingers both got painted. I chose a dusty rose while LMNOB picked two different glitter polishes: one for fingers, one for toes - and it's all about sparkle right now!
Voila!
Next we finalized cuts I was going to talk to the stylist about (my hair has a wave and it doesn't always work with every cut). LMNOB demonstrated a non-traditional view of beauty by consistently commenting that the more punk or goth models in the hair mag were "beauty-full." This surprised me, as well as thrilled me, given her inclination to all things Disney Princess and Barbie right now. I nabbed this teachable moment and talked to her about beauty - though she quickly told me, "Mama, I know! God doesn't make ugly people, and He made us all, so we all have something pretty about us!" complete with eyeroll - Have I mentioned she is 5 going on 16? It makes me giggle at times, and pull my hair out at other times. Nevertheless, she is quite confident in this idea of beauty-comes-in-all-shapes-sizes-and-colors idea.
Then, I got my hair cut. This is my before pic - non-stylized:
And After:
We all loved it!
We had a lot more time than I had anticipated between the cut and the kindy registration, so I tried to figure out a fun Mommy-n-me activity.
"Hey sweetie, wanna go to Starbucks and get a steamer while Mommy gets a coffee?"
This is a very rare treat, and as you can imagine, is right up her alley.
I ordered my new favorite: a marble mocha macchiato with an extra shot of espresso (otherwise it's too sweet and too little coffee!). LMNOB ordered a raspberry steamer and a chocolate muffin for us to share. We sat in the tall chairs along the window edge of the café and gabbed like old girlfriends. We talked about the art in the store, and about expectations for kindergarten. We had a delightful time that I'll treasure for a lifetime. My little girl is not a baby anymore...sniff sniff ;-(
Next: Kindergarten Registration.
LMNOB was very impressed. I was not. We registered, however, I'm still checking out other options, like new charter schools.
All in all, many memories made....more to follow. I love this little girl, who is more and more like me than I realized - physically and emotionally.
So, we had Mommy and LMNOB sittin' in a tree... day today. Not too much K-I-S-S-I-N-G, but a few showers of smooches made their way to her. She was so giddy today with the one on one attention. Definitely a must-encore tradition!
First, we dropped Punkinhead off at daycare. LMNOB made a big to-do out of it; when I prompted him for hugs and kisses, she followed suit, saying, "Give sissy kisses, PH." I about choked at the parroting she displayed there, but winked knowingly at our daycare provider instead.
Then, we stopped by Wild Oats to get Charlie Brown some lunch...he's been off to the gym first thing in the morning this week, and today he didn't get lunch fixed, knowing I was going to be around... We also picked up some tasty strawberries and organic granola...mmm.
We ate breakfast at home, on the patio - it was a gorgeous 70 degree day today, until the afternoon showers hit, but I knew that was going to happen - thanks to Kathy Sabine on last night's news. Then we goofed around with the camera some...I still haven't figured out the delay, and our "table tripod" is flat out worthless. So, if you see my arm extended, it's b/c I am snapping the shots and posing simultaneously.
This one probably turned out the best:
Hee-hee, armlength photos are funny:
Aww, a sweet little nuzzle
After we played around, we got out the nail polish..and my footscrub, gel and lotion. LMNOB practically floated to cloud 9 at this point. I have to agree, the mint-eucalyptus treatment with a light breeze tickling the feet was VERY refreshing. Then, to rinse, we used the hose - bbrrrrr, but we had a great time, squealing and giggling like we were both 5 years old! Toes and fingers both got painted. I chose a dusty rose while LMNOB picked two different glitter polishes: one for fingers, one for toes - and it's all about sparkle right now!
Voila!
Next we finalized cuts I was going to talk to the stylist about (my hair has a wave and it doesn't always work with every cut). LMNOB demonstrated a non-traditional view of beauty by consistently commenting that the more punk or goth models in the hair mag were "beauty-full." This surprised me, as well as thrilled me, given her inclination to all things Disney Princess and Barbie right now. I nabbed this teachable moment and talked to her about beauty - though she quickly told me, "Mama, I know! God doesn't make ugly people, and He made us all, so we all have something pretty about us!" complete with eyeroll - Have I mentioned she is 5 going on 16? It makes me giggle at times, and pull my hair out at other times. Nevertheless, she is quite confident in this idea of beauty-comes-in-all-shapes-sizes-and-colors idea.
Then, I got my hair cut. This is my before pic - non-stylized:
And After:
We all loved it!
We had a lot more time than I had anticipated between the cut and the kindy registration, so I tried to figure out a fun Mommy-n-me activity.
"Hey sweetie, wanna go to Starbucks and get a steamer while Mommy gets a coffee?"
This is a very rare treat, and as you can imagine, is right up her alley.
I ordered my new favorite: a marble mocha macchiato with an extra shot of espresso (otherwise it's too sweet and too little coffee!). LMNOB ordered a raspberry steamer and a chocolate muffin for us to share. We sat in the tall chairs along the window edge of the café and gabbed like old girlfriends. We talked about the art in the store, and about expectations for kindergarten. We had a delightful time that I'll treasure for a lifetime. My little girl is not a baby anymore...sniff sniff ;-(
Next: Kindergarten Registration.
LMNOB was very impressed. I was not. We registered, however, I'm still checking out other options, like new charter schools.
All in all, many memories made....more to follow. I love this little girl, who is more and more like me than I realized - physically and emotionally.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Mommy and LMNOB All Alone Tomorrow
Since January 1 this year, I've had every other Wednesday off of work, otherwise working Tues-Thurs. It's a screwy schedule...sort of. You see, I cheat. Since my daycare provider isn't likely to fill two slots that only are available 2x/month, I still pay for, and receive childcare on those days. Yes, I get two blissful days a month to myself...sometimes.
One time the kids were too sick for daycare.
Another time, something else came up.
Tomorrow...it's kindergarten registration (again -that's going to have to be another post), and I told LMNOB that we would have a Mommy and Me day where we would drop Punkin-head off at the daycare, go home and paint each other's nails, tell funny stories, go get Mommy's haircut (with a real stylist, not a Fantastic Sam's generi-stylist!), and do lunch before we had to go to the school.
She's excited, and this morning said, "Mama? Can we get our fancy clothes on tomorrow?"
"Sure, sugar plum, whatever you like."
Seeing her face BEAMING with anticipation, I stop and think to myself.
Why oh why haven't we done this before?
I hope this is the beginning of MANY Mommy and Me Moments with her.
One time the kids were too sick for daycare.
Another time, something else came up.
Tomorrow...it's kindergarten registration (again -that's going to have to be another post), and I told LMNOB that we would have a Mommy and Me day where we would drop Punkin-head off at the daycare, go home and paint each other's nails, tell funny stories, go get Mommy's haircut (with a real stylist, not a Fantastic Sam's generi-stylist!), and do lunch before we had to go to the school.
She's excited, and this morning said, "Mama? Can we get our fancy clothes on tomorrow?"
"Sure, sugar plum, whatever you like."
Seeing her face BEAMING with anticipation, I stop and think to myself.
Why oh why haven't we done this before?
I hope this is the beginning of MANY Mommy and Me Moments with her.
Ever just wake up with someone on your mind?
I'm kind of tripping out here...lots of old feelings coming to the surface. I've determined that my mind operates on a purely random basis. Out of the blue this morning, I'm in the shower and a thought pops into my mind : My bio father's son will graduate highschool this year. There was no warning, no notable trigger for this thought, it just popped in.
Now, remember I told ya'll that my parents had me when they were both 16? Remember I didn't know my father growing up? Well, I did actually meet him at age 14. My mother was going thru a messy divorce/bankruptcy with step-daddy #1 and was in need of cash. So, she applied for public assistance.
Social services said, "Whoa, wait, there's a baby daddy who shoulda been paying you for a lotta years," some of those years in which she'd used the state monies before - and it was determined that bio dad would need to pay back child support to bring my mother back into good standing for current assistance.
He had lived in the same small town as us most of those 14 years. He was surprised, and who wouldn't be? Ring-ring... hey remember that person who came into the world 14 yrs ago whom you share DNA with? Well, now that she's almost raised, I need some help.
He was cool with it, but wanted to meet me. I of course had longed for such a meeting with fear, vacillating from angst to idealization of him (I had this fantasy that my father would be a white knight sweeping me away from my mother for awhile) and more for about 10 years. Now that it was here, I had all sorts of insecurities arise. He's going to see my dreadful teeth and freak, hope he likes chubby-faces, I'm too old for him to love....
But meet we did, at my paternal aunt's house (yeah, I knew who he was-my cousins on his side accounted for about 50% of my schoolmates). He was married with two sons, aged 5 and 2. That was September 26, 1993. We spent time together on the weekends after that. For the first time in my life, I witnessed stability in a family; I was enamored!
In November, Mom announced that we would be moving from WA to CO with her then live-in boyfriend, later becoming abusive, alcoholic step-daddy #2. I was crushed. Not only would I be leaving the life-long home and friends I'd known, but this new chapter in my life was to continue long-distance.
We moved to a VERY small town in CO that I hated with as much teenage dispair and misery that I could muster. Not only had I been removed from the life I'd always known, the father I'd only just gotten to know, but now I was in a cow-poke town full of machismo, ignorance, and plain non-acceptance of new people - and I was going to graduate here...yippee. Oh, and step-daddy #2? He just got more OCD and more abusive as time went on. I have nothing but the fondest memories of Craig, CO.....right.
Meanwhile bio father and I wrote to each other. We talked on the phone frequently, which caused my mother's green-demon of envy to come out in full force. She hated him for his past sins of abandonment, and continued to punish both of us for it. I turned 15, and then it was summer. I got to go back and visit him, and all of my friends I missed so badly!
That summer was totally idyllic....until reality came crashing in late one night. Seems bio father still had some unresolved feelings toward Mom too, and I, looking like her and being in close proximity, was the target for those feelings. The wife had gone to bed. It was just us. As we sat watching a movie, dear old dad's hands began to wander. I got a crash-course in the literal meaning of being "frozen with fear." I couldn't move, talk, all I could do was sit there and cry. I tried to talk a hundred times, with the words screaming in my mind, but my mouth simply would not move. Finally, as he went for skin on skin contact, up the back of my shirt, my neurons fired up and did what my brain had been begging to do from the beginning - bolted right out of there and locked myself in the bathroom.
Honestly, the whole thing is still grey to me. It was clearly a boundaries violation, but in the scheme of sexual abuse, damn... it could have been so much worse, right?
Nevertheless, there was a mass of confused emotions shooting through my mind for the next 48 hours. Denial coursed through my veins in a violent, flash-flood like torrent. So much so, I was clouded for a while and still made the call to my mom saying I didn't want to come back - a call I'd thought of since I first arrived. Mom was pissed, of course, and had my maternal grandmother pick me up and ship me home.
It took me a long time to process it fully. For awhile we still corresponded, but by the time I'd graduated, we were down to b'day and Christmas acknowledgements only. I sent him a wedding announcement in college, and I think that was it. I briefly connected via e-mail with him after the birth of my daughter, to let him know he was a grandparent. They sent a few items for her in the mail....but now, well it's been a minimum of 4 years since we've talked, and just as long since I've even thought of him and his family...it just became easier for me to mentally detach myself from him b/c of all the conflicting emotions that thinking of him brings up.
So, now, almost 13 years after meeting, and probably only 1 full year of meaningful interaction, why this thought? What triggered it? I don't know, but I do know that I'm all messed up for today. sigh
Now, remember I told ya'll that my parents had me when they were both 16? Remember I didn't know my father growing up? Well, I did actually meet him at age 14. My mother was going thru a messy divorce/bankruptcy with step-daddy #1 and was in need of cash. So, she applied for public assistance.
Social services said, "Whoa, wait, there's a baby daddy who shoulda been paying you for a lotta years," some of those years in which she'd used the state monies before - and it was determined that bio dad would need to pay back child support to bring my mother back into good standing for current assistance.
He had lived in the same small town as us most of those 14 years. He was surprised, and who wouldn't be? Ring-ring... hey remember that person who came into the world 14 yrs ago whom you share DNA with? Well, now that she's almost raised, I need some help.
He was cool with it, but wanted to meet me. I of course had longed for such a meeting with fear, vacillating from angst to idealization of him (I had this fantasy that my father would be a white knight sweeping me away from my mother for awhile) and more for about 10 years. Now that it was here, I had all sorts of insecurities arise. He's going to see my dreadful teeth and freak, hope he likes chubby-faces, I'm too old for him to love....
But meet we did, at my paternal aunt's house (yeah, I knew who he was-my cousins on his side accounted for about 50% of my schoolmates). He was married with two sons, aged 5 and 2. That was September 26, 1993. We spent time together on the weekends after that. For the first time in my life, I witnessed stability in a family; I was enamored!
In November, Mom announced that we would be moving from WA to CO with her then live-in boyfriend, later becoming abusive, alcoholic step-daddy #2. I was crushed. Not only would I be leaving the life-long home and friends I'd known, but this new chapter in my life was to continue long-distance.
We moved to a VERY small town in CO that I hated with as much teenage dispair and misery that I could muster. Not only had I been removed from the life I'd always known, the father I'd only just gotten to know, but now I was in a cow-poke town full of machismo, ignorance, and plain non-acceptance of new people - and I was going to graduate here...yippee. Oh, and step-daddy #2? He just got more OCD and more abusive as time went on. I have nothing but the fondest memories of Craig, CO.....right.
Meanwhile bio father and I wrote to each other. We talked on the phone frequently, which caused my mother's green-demon of envy to come out in full force. She hated him for his past sins of abandonment, and continued to punish both of us for it. I turned 15, and then it was summer. I got to go back and visit him, and all of my friends I missed so badly!
That summer was totally idyllic....until reality came crashing in late one night. Seems bio father still had some unresolved feelings toward Mom too, and I, looking like her and being in close proximity, was the target for those feelings. The wife had gone to bed. It was just us. As we sat watching a movie, dear old dad's hands began to wander. I got a crash-course in the literal meaning of being "frozen with fear." I couldn't move, talk, all I could do was sit there and cry. I tried to talk a hundred times, with the words screaming in my mind, but my mouth simply would not move. Finally, as he went for skin on skin contact, up the back of my shirt, my neurons fired up and did what my brain had been begging to do from the beginning - bolted right out of there and locked myself in the bathroom.
Honestly, the whole thing is still grey to me. It was clearly a boundaries violation, but in the scheme of sexual abuse, damn... it could have been so much worse, right?
Nevertheless, there was a mass of confused emotions shooting through my mind for the next 48 hours. Denial coursed through my veins in a violent, flash-flood like torrent. So much so, I was clouded for a while and still made the call to my mom saying I didn't want to come back - a call I'd thought of since I first arrived. Mom was pissed, of course, and had my maternal grandmother pick me up and ship me home.
It took me a long time to process it fully. For awhile we still corresponded, but by the time I'd graduated, we were down to b'day and Christmas acknowledgements only. I sent him a wedding announcement in college, and I think that was it. I briefly connected via e-mail with him after the birth of my daughter, to let him know he was a grandparent. They sent a few items for her in the mail....but now, well it's been a minimum of 4 years since we've talked, and just as long since I've even thought of him and his family...it just became easier for me to mentally detach myself from him b/c of all the conflicting emotions that thinking of him brings up.
So, now, almost 13 years after meeting, and probably only 1 full year of meaningful interaction, why this thought? What triggered it? I don't know, but I do know that I'm all messed up for today. sigh
Monday, March 27, 2006
Humbled by a Chance Quote
I have a Franklin-Covey day-planner, and it gets a lot of use Mon-Fri, but uh, not so much on the weekends. I LOVE it for work, b'days, bill pay dates, and daily tasks thru the week. I enjoy reading the quotes on every day's notepage on business days, but I don't even open it on the weekends- preferring spontaneity on my down-time days spent with family.
Charlie Brown and I were badly in need of going to the grocery. But, we're list shoppers, so I grabbed my nearby planner to start making a list on the day's note page.
There, at the bottom, read words that spoke to my very soul:
I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble.
--Helen Keller
Wow....uhm, yeah, what she said.
You see, part of this whole growing up process that continues to plague me is a sense of restlessness this longing that Helen Keller spoke of to do and be something larger than life, and then discontentment with the fact that I haven't quite reached that goal, at least not as it stood in my original plan. In fact, I've been really soul-searching lately and there's this feeling in me that I need to let go of, but am struggling to do. I guess I feel like life happened to me instead of was something that I made happen. Geeze, can you say victim mentality - the fact that that even enters my head makes me want to gag! Mostly these feelings emanate from LMNOB's timing and the fact that her entry to my world was a radical agent of change to the plan from which I thought I'd never deviate. But that's just it! I did deviate from it, and before LMNOB ever was a twinkle in my eye, so why do I lose sight of that?
On top of it all, I know that even with free will, God's hand is ever present in my life - having prayed for years that He would "guide, guard, and direct" my life according to His will. Doesn't that mean that regardless of my plans, His are going to trump? Psalms 13:21 says Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails, and yet, I become blind to this truth so easily it's very put-me-in-my-rightful-place humbling. Particularly so when I read James 4:13-15: Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." Uhhhm-hmmm, that plan I mentioned? That plan which has undergone a series of revisions, and even just recently I was contemplating updating? Purely worthless without asking His permission first....DUH! I don't know what tomorrow holds - that's the whole reason I'm disillusioned in the first place - because tomorrow didn't live up to MY expectations. Me thinks humble pie tastes kind of like molasses; a little is not too bad, but the whole pie is pretty tough to choke down.
I didn't plan to be a mother, but God made me one. And I love these kids like no tomorrow - perhaps I ought to heed Helen Keller's words, and take my seemingly ordinary charge as a mother, and perform those maternal duties with the reverence and awe they deserve instead of viewing them as a chore.
I didn't plan on being 26 and an admin assistant, but here I sit. Sure, I took this job b/c it's the world of grants and I thought that the information would be helpful when my plan detoured from being a counselor to most likely working with some kind of human services non-profit agency. I guess when I'm bored, I should re-evaluate and think b/c of my efforts to maximize efficiency in our office, several hardworking agencies out there are benefitted with the energy to help the really hard cases. That is a great and noble task, in the big scheme. Where it takes me, we'll wait and see, but I'm gonna quit pushing quite so hard my search for a different, more meaningful job.
I hate housework, and am quite resentful when Charlie Brown leaves it all for me to do. Though, if I think back to our Dynamic Marriage course, I recall that a clean house was something he reported as a deposit in the love bank. I love him, I want to make deposits in that account, and with that in mind, the drudgery of domestic tasks becomes something with greater significance. Or at least that's what I have to keep telling myself - this one's a bit harder to see!
Being a wife
Being a Mother
Being a sister - physical or spiritual
My community involvement
All the things that lovingly serving my family encompasses
Cooking great food
Sharing my heart
Paying my bills
Exercising (for longevity and health)
Speaking out on "silent" issues
Etc, etc,
All of the above are things that are just me...rather were just me - no longer are character traits and roles I play- along with the duties they require, JUST anything - now, they are the great and noble things which make me who I am.
Thank you Helen, not only for your amazing life, but for your utterance, immortalized by history, seen by me in a moment of chance - for they have given me the much-needed attitude adjustment I have been looking for.
Thank you Father, for blessing me with your Word today. Have your Way with my life, Father God on High, I surrender to Your will - just one favor: will you PLEEEEEAASE help me to KNOW it when I see it? Love ya, Dad~ your red-headed child (ain't no step about it with this Daddy!)
Charlie Brown and I were badly in need of going to the grocery. But, we're list shoppers, so I grabbed my nearby planner to start making a list on the day's note page.
There, at the bottom, read words that spoke to my very soul:
I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble.
--Helen Keller
Wow....uhm, yeah, what she said.
You see, part of this whole growing up process that continues to plague me is a sense of restlessness this longing that Helen Keller spoke of to do and be something larger than life, and then discontentment with the fact that I haven't quite reached that goal, at least not as it stood in my original plan. In fact, I've been really soul-searching lately and there's this feeling in me that I need to let go of, but am struggling to do. I guess I feel like life happened to me instead of was something that I made happen. Geeze, can you say victim mentality - the fact that that even enters my head makes me want to gag! Mostly these feelings emanate from LMNOB's timing and the fact that her entry to my world was a radical agent of change to the plan from which I thought I'd never deviate. But that's just it! I did deviate from it, and before LMNOB ever was a twinkle in my eye, so why do I lose sight of that?
On top of it all, I know that even with free will, God's hand is ever present in my life - having prayed for years that He would "guide, guard, and direct" my life according to His will. Doesn't that mean that regardless of my plans, His are going to trump? Psalms 13:21 says Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails, and yet, I become blind to this truth so easily it's very put-me-in-my-rightful-place humbling. Particularly so when I read James 4:13-15: Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." Uhhhm-hmmm, that plan I mentioned? That plan which has undergone a series of revisions, and even just recently I was contemplating updating? Purely worthless without asking His permission first....DUH! I don't know what tomorrow holds - that's the whole reason I'm disillusioned in the first place - because tomorrow didn't live up to MY expectations. Me thinks humble pie tastes kind of like molasses; a little is not too bad, but the whole pie is pretty tough to choke down.
I didn't plan to be a mother, but God made me one. And I love these kids like no tomorrow - perhaps I ought to heed Helen Keller's words, and take my seemingly ordinary charge as a mother, and perform those maternal duties with the reverence and awe they deserve instead of viewing them as a chore.
I didn't plan on being 26 and an admin assistant, but here I sit. Sure, I took this job b/c it's the world of grants and I thought that the information would be helpful when my plan detoured from being a counselor to most likely working with some kind of human services non-profit agency. I guess when I'm bored, I should re-evaluate and think b/c of my efforts to maximize efficiency in our office, several hardworking agencies out there are benefitted with the energy to help the really hard cases. That is a great and noble task, in the big scheme. Where it takes me, we'll wait and see, but I'm gonna quit pushing quite so hard my search for a different, more meaningful job.
I hate housework, and am quite resentful when Charlie Brown leaves it all for me to do. Though, if I think back to our Dynamic Marriage course, I recall that a clean house was something he reported as a deposit in the love bank. I love him, I want to make deposits in that account, and with that in mind, the drudgery of domestic tasks becomes something with greater significance. Or at least that's what I have to keep telling myself - this one's a bit harder to see!
Being a wife
Being a Mother
Being a sister - physical or spiritual
My community involvement
All the things that lovingly serving my family encompasses
Cooking great food
Sharing my heart
Paying my bills
Exercising (for longevity and health)
Speaking out on "silent" issues
Etc, etc,
All of the above are things that are just me...rather were just me - no longer are character traits and roles I play- along with the duties they require, JUST anything - now, they are the great and noble things which make me who I am.
Thank you Helen, not only for your amazing life, but for your utterance, immortalized by history, seen by me in a moment of chance - for they have given me the much-needed attitude adjustment I have been looking for.
Thank you Father, for blessing me with your Word today. Have your Way with my life, Father God on High, I surrender to Your will - just one favor: will you PLEEEEEAASE help me to KNOW it when I see it? Love ya, Dad~ your red-headed child (ain't no step about it with this Daddy!)
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Confessions of a Mommy on a budget
I bought a pair of black, leather, full-calf, heeled boots today. I've been coveting the ones several of my friends have been wearing the whole winter season. But, alas, I haven't had the green to splurge on such a frivolous purchase. Besides, as Charlie Brown would point out, I already have 3 different pairs of black heels - sensible square pumps, patent leather slingbacks, and my summer mulies; all dear friends of mine, just at different times of the year and with certain outfits. You know how it is.
Last night, we received our escrow surplus refund from our former mortgage company...
but, don't get too excited, most of that is earmarked for bills.
So, this morning, I had to pick up some office supplies for work...and Kohl's was right there. I had a few minutes, so I perused the clearance racks quickly. I found that all of the really nice scarves, hats, and gloves were marked down to a final clearance price of $3. Score! Christmas 2006 shopping done, inexpensively, for one of the lucky women on my list. I then mosied on over to the shoes section. Kohl's shoes in general are more expensive than I typically allow myself to spend - I'm really tight with money when it comes to myself.
There, in the clearance section, were the boots I have been wanting...
beneath a sign that said 85% off! They were my size! Enter giddiness, when I see they are normally $70 and are marked down to $15!!! I didn't even think to do the math and figure whether $15 was 85% off of $70 - they were exquisitely affordable, and nice quality too!
So, the blissful nirvana that finally hit me occurred at the register, when said boots rang up at $7.50! All final clearances were an additional 50% off. I'm in love....and Charlie Brown will be too....I know how his mind works ;-)
Last night, we received our escrow surplus refund from our former mortgage company...
but, don't get too excited, most of that is earmarked for bills.
So, this morning, I had to pick up some office supplies for work...and Kohl's was right there. I had a few minutes, so I perused the clearance racks quickly. I found that all of the really nice scarves, hats, and gloves were marked down to a final clearance price of $3. Score! Christmas 2006 shopping done, inexpensively, for one of the lucky women on my list. I then mosied on over to the shoes section. Kohl's shoes in general are more expensive than I typically allow myself to spend - I'm really tight with money when it comes to myself.
There, in the clearance section, were the boots I have been wanting...
beneath a sign that said 85% off! They were my size! Enter giddiness, when I see they are normally $70 and are marked down to $15!!! I didn't even think to do the math and figure whether $15 was 85% off of $70 - they were exquisitely affordable, and nice quality too!
So, the blissful nirvana that finally hit me occurred at the register, when said boots rang up at $7.50! All final clearances were an additional 50% off. I'm in love....and Charlie Brown will be too....I know how his mind works ;-)
Sickies Aftermath not so Easy to Clean When...
the dishwasher goes kaput!
We're new homeowners...that is, we bought a brand new home 2 yrs ago, and it's our first house.
This whole idea of having to fix it "on our own" is kind of scary. It's no longer as easy as calling the landlord and saying, "This needs fixed," and letting it go after that. I mean, granted we have a limited warranty on the appliances, and it appears to be an electrical issue which is covered for 2-5 years - but what if it's not covered? How much is this going to cost? Let alone clean up...there's a whole load of dishes that aren't entirely clean yet in there.
So, I called the appliance guy, he's coming tomorrow. Until then, say hello to dishpan hands. Maybe Charlie Brown and I can do them together á la the early days of our marriage???
Whaddya'll think, bets for or against Chuck getting his hands wet? I'm taking a poll...;-)
We're new homeowners...that is, we bought a brand new home 2 yrs ago, and it's our first house.
This whole idea of having to fix it "on our own" is kind of scary. It's no longer as easy as calling the landlord and saying, "This needs fixed," and letting it go after that. I mean, granted we have a limited warranty on the appliances, and it appears to be an electrical issue which is covered for 2-5 years - but what if it's not covered? How much is this going to cost? Let alone clean up...there's a whole load of dishes that aren't entirely clean yet in there.
So, I called the appliance guy, he's coming tomorrow. Until then, say hello to dishpan hands. Maybe Charlie Brown and I can do them together á la the early days of our marriage???
Whaddya'll think, bets for or against Chuck getting his hands wet? I'm taking a poll...;-)
Monday, March 20, 2006
Plans
Long ago in a far off land, the girl who would one day be Ramblin' Red made rather grandiose plans.
She planned to go to CSU, obtain an undergraduate degree in the scintillating field of psychology - one that was of a scientific nature, and thus afforded lots of laughter when she would later say, "I have a B.S. in Psychology" - and later pursue graduate education of a similar ilk, and live happily ever after; knowing the causes and fixes to the problems in others' lives, she planned to become a fat-cat therapist listening and talking with others.
She was rather ignorant of non-profit organizations in total, let alone those providing mental health care to those in need.
And when she found herself graduating, married, pregnant, and so NOT going on to grad school, she found out just how idealistic and oblivious her plans were when compared with reality. She came to know just how much of a joke a BS in psychology, independent of a subsequent stream of alphabet soup, truly was.
In 2002, a year after graduating, now the mother of an 11 month old infant, Ramblin' Red put her BS to use. She was now a case manager for the local, non-profit/quasi-governmental mental health center. Case manager/Housing Coordinator = 20 hours, and Case Manager/BenefitsAcquisitionist/Homeless Outreach Worker = the other 20 hours. It was a lot of hats to wear, for a meager $10.11/hr, which required this BS degree whose price tag was way more than that. But, wear them she did, and fairly well for a girl of 22.
Now, the 20 hrs week that went to the homeless outreach gig was a program where there was a Designated Therapist to whom Ramblin' Red would make homeless client referrals. And above them both was the very thinly spread Project Manager/Supervisor, whatever, who also oversaw many other projects at the center.
The programs Ramblin' Red was involved with were about to fold. She asked a LOT of questions, read up on HUD regulations like nobody's business, and got the ball rolling with the right people to whip them into right good shape. Or, as good of shape as they could get with programmatic barriers in place, but better, nonetheless.
Along the way, she'd had some ethical differences of opinion with DT re: what exactly constituted work for the homeless program. She'd work so hard for her homeless folks, and BAM! They'd hit a wall when DT entered the picture. PM dismissed her as overly green and idealistic. They knew how the world worked, after all. They were veteran adults, whereas Ramblin' Red was relatively new to this adult reality thing.
She was like, so whatever...and just kept trying to change the world and make it a better place.
More and more ethical differences arose between Ramblin' Red and DT. She went to PM again. When he again shot her down, she went to the HR woman. Which then led to the Assoc. Director of the Center. PM got sick with a stress-related disease and went on FMLA for his guaranteed 12 weeks. And never came back.
For 6 mos, Ramblin' Red didn't have a supervisor. She became her own boss and became a verifiable expert on her programs.
As Ramblin' Red celebrated her 1st anniversary of employment with the Center, a New PM came in, internally, and Ramblin' Red briefed her on the work she did, as well as the problems she'd had with DT. Other co-workers also had problems with DT.
NPM gave DT cautious benefits of the doubt. Which meant - she did nothing.
Ramblin' Red then gave birth to Punkinhead, and decided to drop the Homeless Transitional Program and only return at .5 FTE for the housing programs. She was so done with DT.
As another year and a half passed by, Ramblin' Red grew frustrated with barriers to continuity of care, and state budget cuts to vital programs. Also, with the new business like model of measuring "productivity," which was great for therapists, but not so great for housing coordinators who had copious amounts of paperwork, or indirect - and thus - non "productive" units of work to do.
She heard about a city gov't position with a woman whom Ramblin' Red knew and liked, and she applied for it.
She got it.
And that's how she came to be where she is at now at this stage in her career.
Also? DT was fired one year after she left the center - for the very things she had been telling them for years.
She planned to go to CSU, obtain an undergraduate degree in the scintillating field of psychology - one that was of a scientific nature, and thus afforded lots of laughter when she would later say, "I have a B.S. in Psychology" - and later pursue graduate education of a similar ilk, and live happily ever after; knowing the causes and fixes to the problems in others' lives, she planned to become a fat-cat therapist listening and talking with others.
She was rather ignorant of non-profit organizations in total, let alone those providing mental health care to those in need.
And when she found herself graduating, married, pregnant, and so NOT going on to grad school, she found out just how idealistic and oblivious her plans were when compared with reality. She came to know just how much of a joke a BS in psychology, independent of a subsequent stream of alphabet soup, truly was.
In 2002, a year after graduating, now the mother of an 11 month old infant, Ramblin' Red put her BS to use. She was now a case manager for the local, non-profit/quasi-governmental mental health center. Case manager/Housing Coordinator = 20 hours, and Case Manager/BenefitsAcquisitionist/Homeless Outreach Worker = the other 20 hours. It was a lot of hats to wear, for a meager $10.11/hr, which required this BS degree whose price tag was way more than that. But, wear them she did, and fairly well for a girl of 22.
Now, the 20 hrs week that went to the homeless outreach gig was a program where there was a Designated Therapist to whom Ramblin' Red would make homeless client referrals. And above them both was the very thinly spread Project Manager/Supervisor, whatever, who also oversaw many other projects at the center.
The programs Ramblin' Red was involved with were about to fold. She asked a LOT of questions, read up on HUD regulations like nobody's business, and got the ball rolling with the right people to whip them into right good shape. Or, as good of shape as they could get with programmatic barriers in place, but better, nonetheless.
Along the way, she'd had some ethical differences of opinion with DT re: what exactly constituted work for the homeless program. She'd work so hard for her homeless folks, and BAM! They'd hit a wall when DT entered the picture. PM dismissed her as overly green and idealistic. They knew how the world worked, after all. They were veteran adults, whereas Ramblin' Red was relatively new to this adult reality thing.
She was like, so whatever...and just kept trying to change the world and make it a better place.
More and more ethical differences arose between Ramblin' Red and DT. She went to PM again. When he again shot her down, she went to the HR woman. Which then led to the Assoc. Director of the Center. PM got sick with a stress-related disease and went on FMLA for his guaranteed 12 weeks. And never came back.
For 6 mos, Ramblin' Red didn't have a supervisor. She became her own boss and became a verifiable expert on her programs.
As Ramblin' Red celebrated her 1st anniversary of employment with the Center, a New PM came in, internally, and Ramblin' Red briefed her on the work she did, as well as the problems she'd had with DT. Other co-workers also had problems with DT.
NPM gave DT cautious benefits of the doubt. Which meant - she did nothing.
Ramblin' Red then gave birth to Punkinhead, and decided to drop the Homeless Transitional Program and only return at .5 FTE for the housing programs. She was so done with DT.
As another year and a half passed by, Ramblin' Red grew frustrated with barriers to continuity of care, and state budget cuts to vital programs. Also, with the new business like model of measuring "productivity," which was great for therapists, but not so great for housing coordinators who had copious amounts of paperwork, or indirect - and thus - non "productive" units of work to do.
She heard about a city gov't position with a woman whom Ramblin' Red knew and liked, and she applied for it.
She got it.
And that's how she came to be where she is at now at this stage in her career.
Also? DT was fired one year after she left the center - for the very things she had been telling them for years.
Weekend Sickies
Uuuggh, my head feels like it could, and should, explode. I can breathe today, but yesterday, not so much. I've finally broken the 18hr fever I've had...Finally feel like I don't need to sleep - yesterday I was only awake for a total of 5 hours.
I HATE BEING SICK!
I just can't stand it, and I'm not talking about a minor cold with a sore throat - life goes on, the same ole same ole when it's like that. But this, knocked me flat on my arse and I'm struggling just to get back up.
At the same time I got hit with my illness of the season, Colorado - at least the part I live in- got hit with the storm of the season. It's been a dry winter, but this is the one. I'm glad to see it, I just hope it's not like the blizzard of March 2003 - which shut everything down for about 3 days.
For now, I have to clean the aftermath of the cold of the season. It would appear that while Charlie Brown was a great nurse and caretaker for the children yesterday, he isn't getting props as a maid anytime soon.
I HATE BEING SICK!
I just can't stand it, and I'm not talking about a minor cold with a sore throat - life goes on, the same ole same ole when it's like that. But this, knocked me flat on my arse and I'm struggling just to get back up.
At the same time I got hit with my illness of the season, Colorado - at least the part I live in- got hit with the storm of the season. It's been a dry winter, but this is the one. I'm glad to see it, I just hope it's not like the blizzard of March 2003 - which shut everything down for about 3 days.
For now, I have to clean the aftermath of the cold of the season. It would appear that while Charlie Brown was a great nurse and caretaker for the children yesterday, he isn't getting props as a maid anytime soon.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Paint Patrick's Day
LOL, LMNOB just informed me that today is "Paint Patrick's Day," and wanted to know "what we do today?"
I told her we simply wear green. I figure 5 yrs of age is not nearly enough to comprehend the significance of Saint Patrick and his introduction of Christianity to the Celts...or the lore behind the idea of him driving all the snakes out of Ireland. I envision her hearing that and thinking, "Cool, but what's the big deal?" Nevertheless, we did do a fun leprechaun shot, seen above.
As for me and Charlie Brown, it's our monthly date night. Since our last two date nights have been cozy, casual, and intimately us, this one's gonna be a double! Saint Paddy's day with two of our married-sans-kids friends, out on the town, at our fave Irish Pub, Conor O'Neil's, in the heart of Old Town. It's bound to be great fun for this red-headed Scotch-Irish lass.
Slainte'
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