Spiritual Warfare

Satan's pretty crafty, but he always ends up making the same, horribly unoriginal mess in other people's lives. It makes me sad, warrior-ish-ly (no, it's not a word, I just made it up in my 11:33 stupor - it's MY blog after all!) angry, and ready to fight him. Not alone though.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil - FOR YOU ARE WITH ME!

I prayed this tonight, regarding two of my dear friends' marriage. One walks through the valley of the shadow of her marriage's death, trying desperately to fear no evil. She knows that God is with her, and the legions of supporters she has (even if they don't totally get it) do too. The other is walking through the valley of the demonic shadows of sexual addiction, less confident and shaking in his boots like the terrified child within. His faith is being tried here, and the more he tries to do this on his own, the less certain he becomes about whether God is with him. I'm praying that his heart increases in repentance, allowing his eyes to lock into the Light of the Lord, and follow it out of this terrifying valley.

Continued prayers of protection are uttered for their three precious little girls. They make my heart well with joy as I see them weather this storm with relative ease. It's proof our prayers are being heard.

For those who don't know much about sexual addiction, here are some terrific resources:

Dr. Doug Weiss

Dr. Pat Carnes

Consequences of Sexual Addiction

It's not like lust is a new drug in Satan's bag of tricks...but the concentration of sex in our technologically driven society has opportunities everywhere, tv, movies, video games, stores, commercials - and now with cyberspace, lust has morphed into the emotional drug which is, from what I've seen, about as tough to kick as methamphetamines. It's horrible.

And, it's personal. You see, Charlie Brown has faced this struggle as well. I'm remembering the pains from the lowest points in our lives, and it flat out stinks. Worse yet, I hate that Satan's laughing at us all as he stirs the pot in our church family.

But, to quote Superchik:

"We're not done yet

Not going quietly into the night,

Not me and my friends..."

God of Wonders

I can't help but be awed by the miracle of life.

Today I received news that Young Married Couple had had their baby boy. Flashing in my inbox was the following new mail:

Young Married Couple had a beautiful baby boy last night.

His name is Baby Hank.
He weighs 3lbs 12oz – 17.5 inches long

Both Hank and Mommy are doing well.

Mommy went into labor last night and Baby Hank was born around 4AM this morning. Unfortunately, they needed to deliver Hank via a C-section operation. Praise God for His protective hand taking care of them both last night.

Hank is breathing on his own and Mommy’s platelet count is up this morning (50,000 yesterday ->75,000 today) without any other intervention last night to raise that count.

Thank you for the prayers that have been offered on behalf of this sweet family. Please keep them in your prayers today during this important time of development for Hank and healing for Mommy.

Just 3 weeks ago, we'd heard the news about her body's struggle with platelets/white blood cells. Now, baby Hank is here, 7 weeks premature - miraculously hale and breathing on his own, and Mommy is not bleeding to death, as doctors had previously predicted when talking of delivery prior to a platelet count of 100,000.

Our God is an awesome God...

Ubu's

Ok...another sexually awkward post, but from a completely different angle.

Punkinhead has become obsessed with breasts. Particularly mine.

It just came out of nowhere. One day he was sitting on my lap, and he went to cop a feel of the girls. I moved his hand and said, "No baby, those are mine." Smiled...no big deal, right? Wrong.

Since that first groping, he now cops a feel anytime he's near me, smiles his "Dennis the Menace" smile, and says, "Mama, I touch your ubus, hehehehe." The first time I heard the girls referred to as ubus, all I could think of was that old ad that ran after tv shows of my youth. I mistakenly shared this withCharlie Brown, and now, he talks to my chest, "Sit Ubus sit. Good girls."

The other thing that Punkinhead began doing is when he throws a tantrum (not uncommon for him, he is after all 2), he'll hit my breasts. I'm not comfortable with the symbolic misogyny of this kind of aggression, and he gets a BIG talking to, time-out, etc. Just for clarification- ANY aggression is a big no-no for this Mommy, but I'm particularly troubled by the long-term, implicit meanings attached to acts of ubu aggression.

Then....maternal doubt:
Did I nurse him too long or not long enough? Did that Victoria's Secret ad trigger this?

No, having talked to other mommies of boys, this is a somewhat normal phase.

This relieves me, but at the same time, I am freaked out by this norm, almost as much as I am with my knowledge of Freud's theory of the Oedipal Complex. This filial fondling is just not something you want to think about, much less are taught when learning about human development/parenting/gender differences, etc as I did as a coed majoring in psychology.

Perhaps even more discomfiting than the ubu experience is my extrapolation of the Oedipal complex, and the conclusion I've arrived at as the mother of a boy.

Think of Pavlov's dogs.

Then think about parenting roles in western society.

Who usually changes diapers? Mommy.

What does a diaper change usually entail? Cleaning a baby's more primitive, pleasure areas.

So for a baby boy, early penile stimulation is generally going to be associated with Mommy's face looking down at him. Freaky, huh?

Especially freaky for me is the fact that my mother-in-law is also a red-head!

So much for intellectual discovery, best for me to use another Freudian mechanism regarding this: REPRESSION.

Thoughts about church

This has been on my heart a lot lately, and some people may be threatened by this non-traditional view I'm having, so rather than speak it, I'm going to blog it....for now anyway.

The other day, my day-care provider, B, and I were talking about our church. B is new to this kind of church, having been raised Lutheran, and is really working to develop a personal faith of her own. Her son is in 5th grade and recently told her he doesn't like the new Sunday school curriculum, b/c it's boring and "just like school." Charlie Brown and I taught his class last quarter, under the "old" curriculum, but know what? We didn't follow it 100%. Instead of focusing our questions and discussions solely around the kids - (which when you think about talking sin and shortcomings to the still relatively black and white thinkers present at ages 10-12, and their desire to please, they're not going to admit ANYTHING!) we prefaced a lot of it with our own struggles and experiences, and as such, got much higher participation from the kids. I guess, from what B told me, the new curriculum for the children's classes are much more worksheet oriented. This is too bad, because how are kids supposed to learn about the relational side of Christ from a two-dimensional sheet of paper? Concept application is not such a strength at this age, and in my opinion, modeling behavior is a much better teacher for this group. I told B that too, asking if she had approached the new children education coordinators about this.

I got to thinking about it, and it seems to carry over into our adult programs too. It being this scholastic, approach to our spirituality at church. Now, I am NOT saying we don't need to study the Word to deepen our walk with Christ - because I wholeheartedly believe that we do.

But...I wonder.......

My church is a particular flavor of Christianity that is relatively young in comparison, to say, the Catholic and/or Anglican churches, and has a vision that seeks to be Bible-based, God and Christ-centered, and resemble the church in the New Testament. All of which are great things in my book.

But then, if we look at how we spend our time together in church on a Sunday morning...
**45 minutes Sunday school - which is usually study, versus personal testimonies
**15 minutes recess/visiting

Our service is typically 90 minutes, and if it's broken down, usually looks like this - in no particular order:

**45 minute sermon
**10 minute announcements/prayer - be with the sick, job-seeking, etc - nothing really personal in most cases
**15 minute communion/offering
**20 minute songs and praise

Out of a weekly 2 1/2 hours, only 35 minutes is active praising the Lord and remembering what He has done for us. 1 1/2 hours is academic study of the Word. A mere 15 minutes to visit (none if you're the mommy like me chasing down kids and finding a place to sit) and be relational with church family. And 10 minutes of business-like prayer.

So, I wonder...did the Corinthians talk at length about the letters they'd received from Paul - to the point that it grossly outweighed their time of fellowship and worship to the Lord? I don't know - but I sure don't picture it that way.

Where is our time of sharing how the Lord has worked in the lives of those beyond the preacher in the church this week?

Where is the confession of sins? By the way, Biblical scholars agree that "The Greek word hamartia is often translated as sin in the New Testament; it means "to miss the mark" or "to miss the target"." So, if we bear that in mind, and also heed James 5:16, shouldn't everyone be going forward to the congregation on Sunday, instead of only those with scandalous secret sins, i.e. adultery, addictions, etc? Somehow it seems people have decided that sin worthy of confession are those which violate a commandment of God, a la the Old Testament - when in fact, anything that misses the mark for God's will in our lives, an unkind word, road rage, bitterness, etc, should be confessed so that we can become better!

Where is the adoration and worship of the Lord, not constrained by time or tradition? Who decided 4 praise songs, 1 communion song, and 1 invitation, or any other "theme" for worship? Where is the priority placed when active worship - read audience participation - accounts for little more than 1/10th of the Sunday service?

I know, I know...we as individuals can increase our worship in our households and personal lives. I just can't explain that connection I feel to the Lord when my spiritual family is communing with me in that process - and would like more of it.

I LOVE my church family - they're my closest friends in the world. And I LOVE our preacher, and the way his sermons steer me to self-examination and motivation, as well as how this exact thing has promoted unity within our body as people are more focused on where their hearts are, as opposed to judging others.

I'm probably one of few who would like to meet longer and more frequently, but in addition to that, I'd like to share more, encourage more, and worship more with my family - and with things the way they are right now - there's just not much time allocated for that. There are so many secret hurts among us, I know, and how do we foster an environment to share, trust, and lean upon each other with such ugly burdens? Certainly not in these tailored services....hurt just doesn't fit that mold, and we're creatures of habit.

Happy Birthday Miss Munkey!

One of my good net friend's birthday is today. On her blog entry today, it would appear her dh forgot. Did he actually forget, or is it just a male thing to brush aside? Do we women expect too much???????????? (Okay, any men on here - do NOT answer that!) *giggle*

Miss Munkey - to answer your question, we ALL need birthdays! We all need to feel appreciated, loved, and revered at some point in life - particularly from the ones we love the most! And, what better days to feel that way than birthdays, anniversaries, and the appropriate parental day assigned to us?

Sadly...I don't think this non-action is a limited phenomenon. Actually, I KNOW it's not, b/c, to quote myself:

It's the same thing here, except...get this, my b'day is usually a two-fer, counting as Mother's Day too, periodically it is the same day, mostly it's close to it. I'll be 27, so even that is similar - you sure you aren't my cosmic big sister? LOL ;) My Charlie Brown does the same thing...his income fluctuates, and May is always a tight month. I always hint about all the sentimental, inexpensive - ok FREE- things he could do, and what happens? Nada. This year, I threw him a surprse b'day party - he turned 3-0, and wrote him a book, based on a marriage class experience, and personalized it for him....I'm hoping for some kind of reciprocation.

For those who are interested, here's the "book" I made for Charlie Brown:

Remembering the Shiny Side:

Why I Love You


A wise person I know once said,
“The character traits of our loved ones are like coins~ the side we see now may be the dirty and dull side of the coin after years of weathering, but if we turn it back over, the shiny side is still there...Those things we love in our mates are still there, have always been there, we just forget to look at the shiny side.”



So, dear husband, I commit to remembering the shiny side of you.
This book is for you to see into my heart and know just why it is I love you. It’s also for me…
I will have this book to remind me of the gleaming goodness in you when the daily grind tries to tarnish over it.
I will remember just how good we’ve got it together.




For the times when I am aggravated by what appears to be immaturity….



I will remember that you have an eternal youthfulness about you, by which you are filled with hope, idealism, and faith that good and God will prevail.
I admire that about you.



For the times I when I wish you would just be serious…

I will remember the ease that your sense of humor provides when we’re in hard times.
I will remember that you desire, more than anything, for people to be happy, and you strive to achieve that with your fun-loving wit.


For the times when I’m impatient because you are quiet…


I will remember your caring heart, knowing that you are thoughtfully considering whatever it is on your mind, and will trust you to share it with me in your time.
I love your tender heart and promise to remember it more.


For the times you are tired and not helping around the house…

I will remember how hard you work for us every day, and count it a blessing to have a man so committed to providing for his family.


For the times when I come home that the house is a wreck and the kids are crazy …


I will remember that you are a wonderful father, who actively plays with his children, and that takes more time and means more to them than a clean house.
I love that our children know their father adores them.



For the times I complain I don’t have enough of your time for myself…


I will remember your love for other people, how that attracted me to you in the first place, and that I’m the same way.



But most of all…


I will remember that you are and have always been my best friend, and that has never changed.

I will remember that you are my partner in life and love, sharing my joys and sadnesses, my victories and defeats, my gains and losses, my hopes and struggles, my “all of me.”

And…
I will remember that I promised to do
the very same for you.
Happy 30th Birthday, Love!
Yours always,

Red

The Da Va Vinci Code

Yeah.... I read it. FINALLY - it's only been out for what, 2 years?

Oh, and lemme answer the next question;
Yes, I am a Christian, and no, I'm not offended by the book -

IT'S A WORK OF

HISTORICAL FICTION!

I thought it was really cool, the twists and turns it took, a great thriller with a multitude of bits of historical fact woven wildly about with much creative license. It's not meant to make the Bible null and void, or to outrightly say the Catholic church and other Christian groups are really the bad guys. The story may hint at this, but that's just it, it's a STORY, not a proven article in a research magazine. To me, I appreciate the thought that it provokes re: early Christianity, paganism, and the effects both still have in our society today. As a critical thinker, I think it's great that there's a book that might make someone question their faith - perhaps they will do the digging to make their faith their own instead of blindly following religious tradition of their families?

I guess I just don't get all the hullabaloo that some religious organizations have with this book. Other than the one part of the plot that states Jesus was in fact NOT divine, I don't know that anything else written in the book would change my spiritual beliefs if they were true.

No where in the Bible does it say that Jesus was unmarried - it's always inferred. And, given that Jewish men were married off fairly young by our modern standards, wouldn't it have made sense that Jesus would have been identified as single, since it would have been an oddity for a man of 30-some years to not have a wife? Perhaps he was married, does that make Him any less Divine to me?

No.

In fact, if it happened that way, his statements about looking at a woman lustfully = adultery have even more significance to me, because he was able to intimately know a wife's perspective on that issue. It's an insignificant matter of dispute for me - to me what made Jesus Divine was His Parentage, His Birth, The Miracles, His Death, Burial, and Resurrection. His teachings of Love, Compassion, and Service are what make me a better person to those around me, and I believe my acceptance of His Boundless Grace is the recquisite for me to enter Heaven someday....If I'm wrong about eligibilty for Heaven, at least I've lived a life of Love in my attempt to be Christ-like, and who can begrudge that?

The beauty of His incarnation, is that as a human, He experienced being hungry, having to pee, and sexual urges. He understands what it is to be on this earth, and knows the hardships of humanity. The Bible says Jesus ate, drank, slept, wept, and was cold at times, and rather than denying His Divinity, these facts reinforce the Humanity of His time on earth. Would it change anything if He had loved a woman romantically and had a pure marriage involving sexuality as God the Father intended?

Not for this believer. There's no sin in this theory, as far as I can see - doesn't change my Deity.

Also...I forgot to mention the whole thematic of the Sacred Feminine. I actually don't disagree. The Bible says man and woman were made in God's image - something that has always made me picture a duality of gender when I think of God - though I call Him He.

As for the book, again, it's FICTION. We can read fictional books about mice who talk without feeling reality as we know it is threatened, so why is this so hard for people to accept?

LOL...I feel like I walked back in time

with regard to sexual embarrassment.

I've had an IUD forever it seems like - about 2 1/2 years, and one before we decided to try for Punkinhead. Birth control is not an issue.

However, since I've started my antidepressants, I've become, ahem a lot more acidic than Charlie Brown's, ahh, sensitive skin can handle. Sorry if this is TMI - but you gotta see where I'm going with it. So, to avoid chemical burns on a certain member (hee hee, sorry couldn't resist) of the family, we're back to using condoms, no big deal.

Today, he informs me we're out and asks me to pick some up with a knowing nod. No big deal - I long ago got over this social phobia letting a cashier see I was sexually active - right?

Yeah...until I go to Wal-mart, and after I've paid and go to leave, the door alarms go off. I thought it was most likely the two-for-one mascara pack I'd purchased. No, the two s at the door squawk loudly, "(Br-aaawwwk, like a parrot) it's the LIFESTYLES CONDOMS! Ma'am, can we see your receipt for these LIFESTYLES CONDOMS?" People are literally pointing and giggling to themselves in the store - I'm not just saying that out of paranoia! It was the archetypal worst nightmare of a teenager.

Embarrassing at the moment, comic relief now...I'll have a fun story to share with Charlie Brown tonight.

Ten Simple Pleasures

Amy tagged me for this Meme....

"Name ten of life's simple pleasures that you like most, then pick ten people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used."In no particular order…

1. My every other Wednesday off work with kids at daycare...it's TODAY!!! :)
2. A "big hug" from Punkinhead - this is his version of a bear hug and VERY tight!
3. Inside jokes with a devious Charlie Brown...lol, the man makes me laugh without saying a word
4. Sunday worship with my church family
5. Walks and moreso, TALKS, with my girlfriends
6. Finishing a crossword puzzle sans the answer key
7. Physical touch - platonic or romantic - this is my primary love language
8. Writing something good, of substance and creativity
9. Helping others
10. Hearing LMNOB's spirituality set in at such a young age

I could go on and on, but will go with Amy's trend and round it out with an even dozen

11. The view of Long's Peak on our neighborhood trails - I'll have to post later
12. Gardening with Charlie Brown and LMNOB - the inexplicable pride and excitement over tiny little sprouts

So now...10 people who haven't done this (or will?)? I can do 50% perhaps.
Heather
Postcards
Leigh Hope
Big'n'Tall Brother
Miss Munkey

What's that Door Hanging Open For?

Hmmm...
In all my moanings and groanings to the Father, you think He may have known all along that it would work out? I seriously wonder sometimes if He doesn't just sit there and laugh at our stupidity and the things we get all worked up over....

Sunday at church, a friend who's nearing retirement and, let's see, uhm, a bit of a redneck hunter, had a comment perfect for this scenario. He said, "It's kind of like when we have a dog tied to a tree. The dumb things inevitably wrap themselves up til there's no where to go and then they panic. I've never for the life of me figured out why they don't just go back around the tree and untangle themselves - it's not a hard deduction to make, but they just get so focused on the fact that they are stuck. So, I go and untangle the fool animal, and I think that must be how God feels when we get ourselves in a bind."

My bind? For six months now, I've been looking for work, FT in particular, to defray costs that are continuing to rise. It all started in October, when the City I work for announced huge insurance premium increases, particularly for PT employees - and I happened to be PT with full family coverage, as it was cheaper for us than the plan offered to charlie Brown. We couldn't lose insurance, but we couldn't pay over $800/month for health coverage. I saw it as a sign that I needed other work. But, when it became clear I wasn't securing anything for the beginning of the year, we sought private healthcare. It's an PPO, has a fairly high deductible, but for our routine care, it's affordable. After continuous job rejections, my depression set in...and then our finances go to pot. I've gotten myself to the end of that rope...straining and straining, yelping for God to come bail me out.

Enter a door, swinging wide open...opportunity needn't have even knocked.

The Boss informed me yesterday that I may have the opportunity to latch onto another PT job. The Colorado Interagency Council on Homelessness (CICH) is conducting a point-in-time count of homeless persons across the state in August. Each county has been instructed to designate their own coordinator, as there will be volunteer recruitments, trainings to service providers in the county, etc. that the coordinators will have to oversee prior to the count. This kind of intensive count would leverage resources statewide for the most needy, as the feds are really cracking down on the regions who are more laissez-faire about their homeless populations.

Most people know that budget scenarios for our local governments are pretty sad right now, and people are doing more with less. This is very true for our region. To add a time-intensive project like this on top of what other government employees are already doing is near impossible. The Boss proposed that the Cities of Fort Collins and Loveland, the County, and our United Way all partner to hire a ½ time employee to do this, and she’s offered me up – knowing my job search situation and experience within the homeless service providers community. This is a very economical proposal for the involved entities, especially since there will be no added office space costs with me using what I currently have available to me. It is a temporary position, and would span May to August, should all the government authorities adopt the proposal – we’re still waiting to hear back from Fort Collins and United Way.

This will be a huge help to the finance mess I've gotten us into with respect to the whole finances thing, as well as be a VERY nice addition to my resume.

Makes me wonder...has Big Daddy Upstairs been rolling his eyes and laughing at my straining this whole time?

Patches of Blue Sky

The storm clouds are starting to dissipate.

Last night was Date Your Mate (p.5), for which Charlie Brown and I were desperately in need of. We'd thought to go play tennis, but our rackets are buried deep in the pits of the junk in our garage (suffice it to say, our garage is a very unorganized store-all for us), and I didn't feel like putting my back out to get at them. We ended up dropping the kiddos off, calling my brothers to beg $20 off them (CB is paid on Tuesday and will get us back out of the red), and took our black baby, Gracie, to the dog park near our house. I fell in love with a boxer pup there...getting a hankering for another 4-legged baby.

After thoroughly wearing her out, we took Gracie home and ourselves out to dinner.

Buffalo Wild Wings it was last night, and tasty at that.

I was still somewhat withdrawn, just not engaging easily. Charlie Brown addressed it, it being my depressive funk, first. He told me he knew that I was depressed and taking meds and all that, and this week just kind of catapulted me into a big hole, and what frustrated him the most was my statements along the lines of people being better without me. He then gave a very convincing dissertation about just how many people felt the opposite, and why. It's an uneasy, almost embarrassing thing for me to hear accolades for myself - depressed or not, it's just hard for me to accept that the person being talked of is yours truly. This surprises a lot of people who know me in real life - I carry myself with quite a bit of confidence and grace, or so I'm told; but inside, I'm just a little girl.

I hadn't shared much about the group with him Thursday night - I was pretty emotional while there, and trying to process it all by the time I'd gotten home. In other words, I was incommunicado and almost trancelike. So I told him that one of the things I'd gotten out of it was hearing that I wasn't alone in my thoughts, being able to say that my head knows such things aren't true, but that knowledge alone doesn't change what my heart so intensely feels. Charlie Brown seemed to get that, and asked me to just think of him and the kids with my head when my heart was trying to get the best of me.

We then walked around, browsing Home Depot's garden center, dreaming about our backyard's potential. Jasmine and crabapple blossoms perfumed the air, leaning the ambiance towards a little springtime twitterpation for Charlie Brown and his pretty little red-haired girl. Holding hands, we reminisced about how LMNOB used to call Home Depot the "Daddy Store," at first, later updated it to the "Home Store," and finally, succumbing to the proliferation of commercial marketing this last football season, she proudly announces, "there's a Home Depot..." at any sighting of their logo.

Out in the parking lot, my beloved blockhead (and I mean that in the most endearing way!) opened my door for me and embraced me, showering a series of tender kisses on my trembling lips. My heart sang, "My lover is mine, and I am his!" Who says romance has to be expensive and showy? Here I was giddy with a few heartfelt touches in the Home Depot lot...or, am I just a cheap date? LOL

We picked the kiddos up, settled them into bed at home, and celebrated the rest of our night together.

This morning, I'm feeling much better than I have in weeks...motivated to get to work at cleaning our home - which is much needed as we're hosting our Life Group from church. Love can conquer all, it seems, when that marital love combines with the most Divine Love of all; Christ Jesus, and His miraculous interventions in our everyday lives. We just have to let Him work.

Thanks to all who've been praying for me...

I can see clearly now the rain is gone...

Group

Yesterday:
***all names have been changed

We met in the basement of a church. Passed a can around for donations, checked in, and then broke into smaller groups. Very AA.

I was nervous, having recognized one of my former clients from the mental health center, irrationally afraid that someone would shout, "She's an imposter! She's not like us!" and some of them would be right. Despite all of our money issues, Seth and I are not low-income as several in the room were. I felt like if they knew me and my personal situation, they would ask me to leave because in their minds I could afford better. But the truth is, I can't.

I mostly just observed, feeling just flat.

My emotions had been all over the place today. The Boss was back to herself, mostly, we'd talked and joked about the fact that we'd both chosen rugged brown leather sandals and had bright toe polishes on. (Not an uncommon occurrence - we often dress similarly by complete chance, causing others to joke about my job duties including coordination of apparel) I worried about her yesterday, because there are several flags going up for me about her own mental health - she reported no sleep at all the night before, she's stressed about minutia, i.e. spilling coffee, and she self-reported she "wasn't herself." But as we laughed, my brain started to play tricks on me. See, you're ok. You're making too big a deal out of this whole depression thing.

Back to the group.

We broke out, and my group had two female facilitators, one older and one quite a bit younger. The older facilitator was soft-spoken and very well versed in mood disorders - later she revealed that she is a private practice MH therapist. The younger facilitator was a sweet girl who's very outspoken and forthcoming, but has had a rough go at life it would seem. We had to identify with a color at the introductions and she had chosen "one of those multi-color nailpolishes - sparkly at the surface, but pretty dark underneath."

Three "oldtimers" and two newbies comprised the rest of us, including myself. The other newbie was a relatively young (I can't guess ages very well) new mother who'd recently attempted suicide, thinking her baby would have a better life with her sister than as the child of a single parent. One of the oldtimers, I'll call her Bobbi, was rougher around the edges, and as her story unraveled, I gathered she is a motorcycle mechanic, married, and has grown children who are making poor choices in life right now. Bobbi talked alot, and she had plenty of reason - a lot on her plate, made me feel a bit less than worthy to be there, in comparison. Then there was Sally, a rather sedate, prim looking middle aged woman. If I had to guess, I'd say she were a housewife, but she didn't say. She'd attempted suicide in November, via overdose, and talked about struggling with getting the appropriate dosage of meds. She has bipolar disorder and is so much chemically higher than most people, that large doses of sedating mood stabilizers are just keeping her at baseline, when others would be conked out by them. And there was Ralph, who asked me about where I worked at the mental health center when I revealed that. Other than that, he didn't contribute much but some advice on pain management.

So much hurt was in this room, and I'm relating to it all. Then it's my turn.
I told them my diagnosis came from my PCP and not a MH worker..mostly because I used to be a MH worker and I knew what my diagnosis was. Told them I've been on meds for over 3 mos, and the first 6-8 weeks had been fine, a dramatic improvement from the fog I had been in. But as the current events have unfolded - and I told them all of that - I've been slipping back into that mode. So, since I knew about this group b/c my office funds it, I came tonight.

Bobbi got to asking Sally about whether she thought of her attempt much. She did, and Bobbi began talking about her scars on her arms from a previous attempt. Bobbi has a cover story for people who she doesn't really want to know the truth when they ask.

I kind of glazed over, getting absorbed in the pain of my thoughts recently. I don't know if it showed, or it was just common courtesy, but Bobbi asked me, "What about you, do you feel safe?"

And it all just came spilling out.

I don't know if I'm safe or not. I mean I'd like to think I would never do anything, but stuff has been on my mind lately far more than it should be. And here's the kicker, my husband thinks suicide is so selfish, but in my reality, it has nothing about me getting away from the pain, and everything to do with the idea that people would be better off without me. I feel like I keep dragging those who are close to me down, and I could free them from that burden which is me. I know in my head that's probably not true, but the feelings of this just overwhelm at times. I don't want to turn into my past - I've tried so hard to escape it, but now here I am with the legacy of mood disorder weighing in on me. Will it completely destroy me to a person incapacitated by fear? It's just so hard to see past the moment...

And then...validation. I'm not alone in feeling this way, they've all thought about the other people in their lives too.

I think I'll be back next week. I hope that Seth will be with me the next time they have a family night - he didn't want to go last night.