Her pictures say a bajillion, blubbering-inducing words..

My LMNOB has a particularly special gift, among many others.

Her keen ability to observe and recreate has long astounded me - you tell me, am I being overly partial in feeling this way?

She drew this tonight at church, hence the heart and cross - indicative of her mood.

Ms. M has her bandana and no hair, as she is post-chemo. Notice the earrings though, including the top right hoop. Ms. M does indeed have that, and on that ear, should you be standing across from her. Then she has her staff ID necklace - and a top and skirt that actually resembles the outfit she had on today.

LMNOB drew her barrette in her hair, the butterflies and hearts on her shirt, and the holes that make her crocs. You can hardly see it, but she also drew the butterfly pendant she wears on her crocs.

And the little boy L actually does have rather large eyes, and when she drew him, I knew exactly who it was before she wrote his name (I edited the pic for name content - but she wrote all the names spelled exactly right).

The clothing is indicative of what was actually worn today at school. And, I'd wager to say they are all kids who were kind to her today at school.

She was so happy while drawing this, and it made me tear up to see her say in her own little way, Mama, it's gonna be ok. I'm finding my place, and these people care for me. I'm gonna be just fine. Also, I'm gonna be a famous artist someday and will show the world my innermost thoughts with my work.

:sniff: She's my precious baby, you know? I want the kindest, gentlest, most caring world for her. Especially right now, when I'm still responsible for helping shape that world for her.

Spreading the Good News

That is, if you are a make-up junkie like me and cheap to boot.

E.L.F (Eyes, Lips Face) was recently bought out by Nordstrom's - so their online goods are all available for $1 each!

For a limited time only. What a steal!

Our Horrible, Rotten, No-Good Morning

LMNOB had a rough morning transition this morning – as I have been expecting this week. On Monday, the first day of school, I stayed with her in the classroom at her signs of an impending meltdown, so as to avoid her peers pegging her as a big baby/ freakshow on the first day...Some already probably leaned that way, per her anxiety at the ice cream social. She did great the rest of that day though, and then again yesterday morning, she kissed me and ran to the playground without a moment's hesitation.

With the new school transition, we’ve had some rough moments at home in the evenings, but they have been workable. Last night she tried to run over me with her bicycle when I informed her she actually had chores to do first. I've been living with "divert and de-escalate" as my mantra lately, and frankly, it's exhausting.

This morning was different, though, a fair amount worse than "rough." She was “off” at home, and while not tantruming, it was difficult to keep her motivated to get ready to go. As dressing was such a struggle, time for a sensory exercise was short. I ended up having her carry her weighted rice bag as we walked to drop her brother off at daycare, and also instructed her to sit with it in her lap in the car as we drove to school. I managed to sneak in some deep pressure for her, lasting about 10-15 minutes in this way.

When we got to the school she was fine, until we rounded the corner to her classroom where the kids were either playing on the playground or lining up.

Enter extreme clinginess and anxiety. This is her pattern. She then melted down further as I explained to her that the bell would be ringing and I needed to get to work – screaming, crying, etc. To make matters worse, the teacher was in the classroom, and all that was out in front of the class were kids and playground aides - neither of which know us enough to be supportive. I tried deep pressure on her shoulders, to no avail. When class began, Ms. M had to pry her off of me.

This happened frequently last year prior to her diagnosis of sensory processing disorder. With the addition of a “sensory diet” LMNOB’s difficult morning transitions all but disappeared. We are still doing the sensory diet activities, but easing into a new school is a large transition for her and will take time, thus some of the behavior we’re seeing is hopefully temporary.

However, in the meantime I do not wish to continue as-is in the mornings, hoping we’ll luck out with a good one – it is hardest on LMNOB, but also difficult for me, her peers, and then Ms. M who gets to try and calm her down.

Ms. M called me this morning with the suggestion that we do a morning check-in in the class-room at the time I drop her off (that is, bring her to the classroom before the kids get in) and see how that goes for a smoother transition. I think that of all the ideas floating in my head, this might be the one with the most success. Particularly since one of the escalating factors was that I could not go in the classroom and look at her paper person she'd made yesterday.

We’ll try that, and see how it goes.

Other ideas that I had were:

Having Mr. Principle take her from me on the sidewalk and bring her to the building (provided she is ok with this – I’m not proposing that he deal with a screaming child each morning)

Having her ride the bus in the morning (and thus make that transition of “together with mom – independent” prior to arriving at school) – however, again, LMNOB has to buy in to this, lest the bus driver be burdened with an inconsolable child. She is riding in the afternoons, and doing fine, but for some reason is resistant to the morning bus.

In the meantime, I feel like I could sleep for a month, uninterrupted. I'm THAT tired.

BAD Mommy!

I’m feeling a mite guilty.

See, I’m at my office and it is raining freaking cats and dogs.  Apparently Colorado has put the monsoon season back into August, like it used to be.

And I, in all my infinite planning, forgot to give LMNOB an umbrella for when she got off the bus this afternoon. 

And guess when that is?

Uhm now.  In this torrential downpour.

She at least has a jacket in her backpack.  With which she will get weighted down and float down the flash flood waters.

Great one, Mom.

Disclaimer: Ok, I know that I’m not a loser, but it hurts my always be prepared little heart, ok?

Resigning My Weighted Down Self

Weight has always been an issue for me.

 

As a chubby gradeschooler, I was known at the school as “the Blimp.”

 

In 6^th grade, I hit a growth spurt, reaching my current 5’5” height.  The change in my body’s elevation meant for the first time ever I was THIN. 

 

Throughout junior high, I was a normally thin girl, and the issue of weight was out of sight, out of mind.

 

Then in highschool, my genetics caught up with my teenaged eating habits, and slowly my thighs began to fill out more.  I began to restrict my food.  More and more, the restrictions leaned anorexic, and then I began purging what little caloric intake I had gotten with exercise.  That got to be too much, and before long I found myself in the binge purge hell known as bulimia nervosa.

 

In college, I began recovery.  It was scary as hell, because the Pill, combined with “normal” eating and exercise was putting weight on my too-thin frame at an alarming rate.  The Pill won that battle, and I gained 60 lbs in 18 months.  It wasn’t what I wanted, but I knew I couldn’t diet without falling back into my old ways – not then anyway.  Well, eventually I went off the Pill and surprise, here comes LMNOB!  And 57 pregnancy lbs.

 

Afterward, I resigned myself to being a size 14 – after all wasn’t Marilyn a 14’er?  Somehow, I never managed to look quite like her at that size.  Probably had something to do with my bone structure being quite a lot smaller.

 

Then there was Punkinhead, and after he came along, I did get into shape.  With proper diet and exercise I managed to get to a size 10 by the time he was 18 months old.  I really hadn’t changed my diet much, having now become a right-balanced eater.  But I’d found running.  What a difference that made.

 

However, we all got sick that spring and I never recovered my running habit.  3 years later I am back in 14’s and weighed in at 184.5 this morning. 

 

We’ve been eating healthy since Sunday.  And walking as a family a couple of nights each week.  I am doing some strength training at home.

 

At work, they’re doing a mini “Biggest Loser” with free access to the city’s health club, trainers, etc.  Only 30 people are being selected, as it is a pilot project for our HR’s Wellness Program.  I’ve signed up.  Will know Friday if I get in.

 

I’m ready to trade in the heavy model for the fit and fancy free model who is emotionally and physically healthy.

Transitions...

It's the first day of school. At her new school.

And change is hard. Above, she was happy, still safely at home. Below, she was starting to get apprehensive.


To avoid the impending superfit, and the risk of her getting dubbed as the class freak, I stayed for a bit.

At 9:45, she saw the OT from the school, and warmed a bit - having a familiar figure there. About 15 minutes later, I told her Miss S (OT) would come get her for a sensory break - that I needed to go and I would be back for lunch with her. She agreed, reluctantly.

I left, with a heavy heart. It is so hard to see our kiddos deal with sorrow and changes.

But it will be ok. This I know.

:sigh:

Update: 1:05 pm - I just returned from LMNOB's school. We ate lunch together, and she was already in dramatically brighter spirits. Phew! She informed me that she played with A (her church buddy) at morning recess, and Neighbor A was gone for an appt - but they would play at lunch recess. Miss S (OT) came and got her and she bounced on a ball plus found pennies in theraputty. She was pleased as punch about that. She made a friend in class, at her desk cluster (they get individual desks but they are grouped in 6's), she couldn't remember her name but her mom was the art teacher and she was wearing a pink/brown leopard print that was SO.CUTE.Mom! Lunch was brief - only 15 mins - which could be LMNOB's demise as she is an intolerably slow eater. Or, perhaps, she'll adapt and bring that new skill home? She left me in the dust as she finished and went to recess, where she did in fact play with Neighbor A. Gleefully.

What a relief!

Sitting on the Verge...

So, my list the other day?

Schedule LMNOB's placement testing with the school...SOMETIME THIS WEEK
Schedule LMNOB's 504 plan meeting...SOMETIME THIS WEEK
Cancel therapy session scheduled for tomorrow...TODAY (uhm, not my choice...that other person's - more on that later)
Reading assignment for Democracy and the Policy Process...WOULD LIKE TO FINISH TONIGHT
Create discussion post responses for said reading...BY FRIDAY

All done.

I called the counselor and left VM Tuesday night re: our cancellation for Wednesday. She called me Wednesday at work and left me a VM lecturing me on how short of notice it was (23.5 hours notice - Not too shabby in the mental health profession, imho.), how it was a prime spot (evening), etc., etc. I called her back - got VM, again (surprise!) and told her I was sorry for the lack of advance notice, it wasn't my idea, and yet I got stuck with making the call. The deal is this: Charlie Brown wants to get more involved with the campus ministry at church. We were inaugural members 10 years ago. Because we've been fighting like cats and dogs lately, and because one of my beefs is his profession of faith but a lack of walk to go with his talk, I jumped on this as an opprotunity for change. That was before Wednesday night. After Wednesday night, I feel like my good faith in the gesture has been somewhat wasted. But, ah, you know they say Rome wasn't built in a day, so maybe it needs some time? Anyways, no word from the counselor on Thursday, and I was out of the office today - so who knows where that stands - I did convey that we'd like to reschedule.

All I know is, if this therapy gig gets dropped, my hope for our marriage is dropping off too. As such I find myself sitting on the verge of something. What, I'm not quite sure.

LMNOB and I had our last big hurrah before school starts up again today. And I'm tired. But it was a good day. We...........:big breath in:....because the next 4.5 paragraphs are supposed to be me rattling off our day in one big statement since it was all backtoback........went to breakfast at Village Inn, ran into Target for a lunch box and thermos for next week, got to our joint hair appointment in time, both got trimmed up, and then I learned that LMNOB's haircut with my pricey stylist (that I thought would be a splurge, but well worth the mommy and me sense of indulgement) was less than what I've been paying at the discount cutters' places! OMGosh!! No more Samtastic Fan's or Not-so-great Clips, that's for sure. Oh, but the adult prices? Still high for this penny pincher. Still worth every damn penny I have to begrdugingly part with.

Went to Kohl's to finish school clothes shopping. Shopping is so much different with her now, and especially one on one. She's content to browse and hunt for the perfect! outfit! Though, I might say that she has no value for the Benjamins yet. Must combine that to her newfound thrill of the retail/fashion hunt. Then to another store to pick up muffin tins for the Great Muffin Project. The GMP was my idea to make whole wheat, fat-free vanilla yogurt in lieu of butter, tasty little muffins (chocolate zucchini and orange cranberry), to freeze and throw into LMNOB's lunches each school day as a means to avoid the twinkie induced malnutrition of my perfect little sweetheart. Yeah, it was a little Martha Stewart of an idea for me, but hey, sometimes that part of my personality sneaks out and makes a showing. Mostly though, she is repressed. Home to do lunch and the actual recipe making for the GMP.

Then it was time for OT with BT the OT, at which appointment the OT from Local Neighborhood School was going to join us for a planning session re: school next week. That went well. GREAT, even. I think it was because LMNOB gave the gift of a chocolate muffin that carried no guilt to all parties involved? Chocolate makes everything better. Especially when there's no guilt attached - C'mon, whole wheat, zucchini, AND non-fat yogurt in lieu of butter? Fiber, no fat what.so.ever., and uhm, yum. No, I really am not a crunchy granola. Nor am I a domestic freakazoid like our girl Martha. Really, it has more to do with some dietary monitoring BT the OT has started me on for LMNOB. LNS OT has already talked to LMNOB's teacher and Ms. M is on board with it all. Then, it was time for the ice cream social/meet your teacher and classmates/great school supply drop off (to avoid irreparable back damage from overloaded backpacks on Monday) at Local Neighborhood School. LMNOB and I saw her babyhood friend from church there (she attended LNS last year also), and later the little girlfriend A who now lives across the street and is also transferring to LNS this year after a year somewhere else last year. Problem was, A and babyhood friend are in the same class, and it is not LMNOB's class. This was cause for much bravadoed distress where LMNOB was crying without sound and it broke. my. heart.

All of a sudden the great OT consult which had such promising overtures to it seemed to not encompass the enormity of this transition for LMNOB. As we went into the classroom and LMNOB met Ms. M, it got worse. Sidenote: Ms. M is recently recovering from cancer, and the disparity between her online pic at the school website and her post-chemo, bandana wearing self was quite astonishing. She told another parent though that the cancer is gone. Yay! LMNOB was painfully shy with the classmates, who all knew each other from last year. Ex.cept. For. Her. I was so busy trying to calm her that I didn't get a chance to meet the other parents in her room. LMNOB didn't really come around until as we were leaving, the Girl Scouts booth caught her eye. "MOM!! I want to do that!" "Well LMNOB, you're gonna have to learn to talk to the kids in Girl Scouts too, and not be so shy." "Oh but mommy, I WILL! I will just have to get used to it Mom. It takes time." Yes, dear, it does. You are so wise for your age.

LMNOB and I on the verge of a humongoid transition. One that might go a bit bumpy. I fully expect the return of the difficult mornings.

And at that, we drove home. Said gooodbye to Charlie Brown and Punkinhead - who are camping in the backcountry tonight. And commenced our girls night by inviting my friend, the lovely SW (who loves shoes so much I might just call her DSW from here on out), to come on over, ate dinner at Taco Del Mar, and came home to watch countless DVR'd episodes of What Not to Wear, while we manicured and pedicured to our hearts' content.

Then DSW left and I put on a DVD for LMNOB which only got her attention for .5 minutes before the snoring started. I posted discussion responses for school as indicated above.

Now? I'm wiped. Good night. I anticipate dreams of falling off the verge.

Promo Politico

Betsy Markey is running for Colorado's 4th Congressional District seat in the U.S. House.

Problem is, so are 2 other Democratic candidates, one of them the better known Angie Paccione who ran (and narrowly lost) against the incumbent Marilyn Musgrave in 2006.

As we all know, three's a crowd...particularly when you are all for the same party. A primary will eliminate two and determine which one of the Dem candidates will be running against Marilyn in '08.

I actually know Betsy. Not in a BFF way, or even in an "I'll call you sometime," kind of way, but suffice to say that she's been at the table for many of the same events I've been at. For instance, she shows up to the Northern Colorado Social Legislation Network meetings. She has been at the Affordable Housing Coalition of Larimer County meetings I've attended.

Betsy showed up to these events because, until this May when she announced she was running, she was U.S. Senator Ken Salazar's 4th District Regional Director and she wanted to keep the Senator informed as to what his constituents wanted and needed. She is sincere in her wish to serve the public's interests.

Today, all sorts of political ugliness started to surface when Senator Salazar endorsed Betsy as the Democratic candidate of his choice for the seat.

It's premature...poor policy...unusual...

Playing favorites...

Betsy's the underdog and he's just trying to rescue her and boost her campaign...

And my personal favorite, from none other than Paccione's campaign spokesman:

People in Democratic primaries don't like it when high profile politicians try to play kingmaker, and that is what Salazar's (endorsement) is...

Uhm...no. People, come on.

This is support from a not-so-distant-past former boss. I fail to see how it is any different from asking a professor one was close to in college for a letter of recommendation for admission to the next academic station, or for a good reference from a supervisor when the opportunity of a lifetime strikes. Salazar knows Betsy better than he knows Angie; it is human nature to prefer that which we are most familiar with, particularly when said familiar person's ideology matches our own. It is not playing "kingmaker," and personally, if that little jibe isn't mudslinging sans insult but still highly nuanced to where it evokes the emotion of insult, I don't know what it is.

Then there is the issue of whether Betsy is "liberal" enough for the Dem vote. Or Salazar for that matter, and if not then what is his endorsement worth? And it makes me crazy that this card is being played. Because you know, we want to get the most flaming leftist to run against Marilyn in fairly red country so that we're sure to lose...wouldn't that be great? I've said it before and I will say it again...America is not Red or Blue - we're all of that and a bunch of Purples in between. Check out Mark Satin's Radical Middle for more on that. Knowing Betsy as I do, admittedly in a fairly limited manner, I remain convinced that she is not with a right or a left agenda, but rather will serve with an agenda that will benefit the people of the 4th Congressional District. All of the people, too, not just the ones who voted Democrat. And isn't that what we want, after all? Don't we want leaders who are legitimate and sincere, or do we wish to perpetuate the partisan politics dominating our current government?

In life, some say it's what you know that matters. Others say it's not what you know but who you know that matters. I contend that neither does you any good without the others. So what if big names know you - what if they know you to be a cheat and/or a total slacker? In the end, it's who you know who happen to know what you know [and are capable of doing] that will take you far in life.

Betsy knows Ken Salazar, Bob Bacon, Peggy Reeves and Stan Matsunaka. And they all know her to be the best Democratic candidate for serving the people represented by the 4th Congressional District seat.

Oh, and she knows me too. And I concur with the big-wigs.

LMNOB...or shall we move to LMG?

As in Little Miss Genius? Perhaps....perhaps...

Since I got home early from jury duty yesterday, I thought, "Why not call that teacher from Local Neighborhood School back and try and get LMNOB's placement testing done this afternoon?" Because I am so smart like that.

Wouldn't you know, that worked just fine.

I brought in LMNOB's report card, showing she'd mastered all of her letter recognition, phonics, etc, as well as her ITBS score report - so that we could skip all of that and cut straight to the chase with her reading group placement.

So we go in and LMNOB, while shy and reading in her tight-I-don't-want-you-to-hear-me-voice, BLEW through all of the 1st grade material the teacher had. Then, LMNOB didn't bat an eye at the 2nd grade book either!

I knew LMNOB was a good reader, but I guess once she took off with it, I took for granted the level of books which she reads - they are not chapter books, after all. I chalked it up to the whole, "The things kindergarteners are doing in school now, I don't remember touching until at least 2nd grade" phenomenon. Nevertheless, I was beaming with pride!

The teacher was VERY impressed, and said, at 5:30pm - now long past her hours of testing, "We haven't been able to challenge her to the point of me knowing just where she belongs, but we've got a great starting place for whoever ends up being her homeroom teacher. I see LMNOB doing more independent work for reading, and because she is so good with the phonics, it will be focused more on comprehension - reports and the like on topics of her interest."

I'm so proud of her. My Little Miss Genius.

Hooray for Unprepared Defense Attorneys!

Lightning strikes the same familiar way...

6 years ago, LMNOB was a babe and I got summoned 2 times for jury duty. I managed to get them posponed, since I was nursing exclusively at the time. The 3rd time I got summoned that year, I HAD to go in. We prospective jurors got all checked in,watched the little Colorado Juror DVD, sat and squirmed a good long while before the jury commissioner came in to say a last minute new piece of evidence was admitted and the defense attorney had not been notified. Thus, since the trial would not go that day, and because CO has a one day [for check in]/one trial policy, our duty had been fulfilled for the year. Or, in my case for the next 6.

Today, I went in, dreading the potential to actually be selected once screened. Not because I didn't want to be part of the American process, but rather, my current to do list is as follows:

• Schedule LMNOB's placement testing with the school...SOMETIME THIS WEEK
• Schedule LMNOB's 504 plan meeting...SOMETIME THIS WEEK
• Cancel therapy session scheduled for tomorrow...TODAY (uhm, not my choice...that other person's - more on that later)
• Reading assignment for Democracy and the Policy Process...WOULD LIKE TO FINISH TONIGHT
• Create discussion post responses for said reading...BY FRIDAY

Fine print says - I am under the freaking gun. Oh and then I also have to work - wherein I must needs finish a few projects, housecleaning, OT, pay bills, and all that other stuff that is my life. Now, if I were sequestered away for 8 hours per day for who knows how many days...well, yeah I was not thrilled at the catching up prospect.

So....when the very ticked off judge came in to say that the defense attorney was not prepared, and he could not in good conscience proceed with the trial today, as the defendant is entitled to a fair process, and because CO is a one day/one trial state, we were free to go, we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Angry judge did ice the cake of relief a bit more, probably for us types who would grumble about the wasted time all for nothing (like he doesn't know that part better than anyone else, I'm sure), when he informed us we had all avoided being assigned to a 5 day sexual assault trial, which would have been really emotionally difficult for anyone to sit through the testimonies the case would bring forth.

Hence, my celebratory title. I don't think I would have made it through that without need for more therapy.

Following my calling...

Well, it's really more like a coerced, you MUST do this thing.

I've been summoned for jury duty. And per the pre-recorded voice msg I called into yesterday, my number is part of the "in" crowd.

So...between this and school starting yesterday (Was kinda cool to "see" some of my fellow online MPA'ers again in this class) I'ma probably be on the down-low for a bit.

I'll be back with all the juicy trial details. Someday. Maybe.