of a Middle-Class American WOH-Mommy
-I wish I could just evaporate into a world where all I did was sit, write, sing, and talk all day. No kids, no Charlie Brown, no work, no $ issues, etc etc.
-I'm afraid that my mental state will keep me bound within the confinements of my white-trash background
-I'm afraid that I've become my mother, who btw is now back at her vocational stomping grounds of bartending and waitressing after a 5 year stint as a non-profit director
-I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, considering wages for my line of work aren't real liveable
-I fear becoming limited to secretarial types of jobs b/c of where I'm at now - and that I won't achieve my full potential
-I hate sounding so victim-ish
-I feel lost
-I feel weak
-I love my kids to death, but am not so enthralled with motherhood
-I worry that my depression will be inherited by them, and that makes me really sad - no one should have to deal with this!
-I haven't really prayed in a long time - been relying on the Holy spirit to intercede for me
-I called one of our grantees, the Suicide Resource Center (no, they don't assist with suicides, ;) sorry - can't resist - I think their name is somewhat of a misnomer), and revealed my depression so that I could find out their depression support group's time and locations. IT's kinda like an AA for depressed and bi-polar folks, and I'll go tonight.
"I love my Mo-o-o-mmeee, we have fu-u-u-n, I love my Da-a-a-dd-ee-ee-ee, he's so stro-o--ong! My brudder and me have so much to do today-ay-ay....."
ReplyDeleteHear that? That's the sound of someone who's doing a great job with her kids. So don't worry about not being enthralled with motherhood. I've never met a mom who didn't have days when they didn't want to be the mommy any more. You're doing a great job on that front.
Good for you for calling the 'resource center' (I agree with you about the name!) It makes me worry a little less about you, and sister, I've been worried.
The thing about you, H, that sets you apart from whence you came (not that I really know what that is apart from what I've read here) is that you're aware...aware of what you want, and very aware of what you don't want. It takes many people an entire lifetime to figure that part out. You're brave and strong and intelligent and don't let anyone or anything (a boss, a partner, a parent, a chemical imbalance) convince you that you're not. Hugs to you!
Yes, there's times like that, and I know in my head, all indications are good, but it's the feeling that things are ok where I get distracted.
ReplyDeleteI see LMNOB with her people pleasing persona, and think, "Oh sweet Jesus, she's going to end up like me!" :( (some days when I'm together, and feeling well, there's a happy, smug little smile at the end of that statement - but right now, it's terrifying to think that my baby may have her own inner hell to face later)
I keep going back and forth about tonight. I'm scared b/c it means people in the community will know a part of me which only my inner circle knows. But then, I think, isn't this the exact thing that perpetuates the stigma associated with any mental illness? I don't like to think about being part of that problem...but at the same time, I'm horrified that I'm "one of those" people. I feel really hypocritical re: that....ahhhh life.
Thanks for the support sister...I wish some of you ladies lived right here.
oops...there are.. (I hate that you can't edit comments!)
ReplyDeleteHonesty like that takes kahoongas. You go hammy!
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers,
Trish
forgive my lack of slang knowledge, does that mean BALLS?!? LOL.....I've none of those, but lots of nerve. ;)
ReplyDeleteROFLOL!
ReplyDeleteIt was meant as a compliment.
I never thought it to be a bad thing to have balls, I hear that phrase all the time here.
Hmmm, maybe it's a regional thing.
Okay, honesty like that takes nerve...THAT you've totally got!
Hey Sis. I wanted to post and let you know: I LOVE YOU! You are a big sister and a second mother wrapped in one!
ReplyDeleteI can understand why some days you don't want to be a mom but I think (and I'm totally guessing; based on hours&hours of child care experience) that everyone is like that sometimes.
BTW, I think your boss is being a real you-know-what! I thought you were friends!
Once again, I love you and don't want anything bad to happen to you/don't want you to perpetually feel bad.
I will be calling this weekend..you can count on it!
Love,
Little Sis