Friday, June 26, 2009

Transitions, Tantrums and Temptations

Well friends, I am officially HEALTHY. Had my last follow-up appointment with the Infectious Disease doc yesterday (sounds so insidious, as if I could be living my own personal Outbreak, right?) and all is well in my body. Which I pretty much had figured, seeing as the pulmonologist was pleased with my progress the week before, AND (perhaps most significant to me) I was able to do a Billy Blanks DVD on Sunday. All the way through. And I'm alive to tell about it.

Switching gears.....

So, this SAHM thing is not so new anymore, as we've hit the 6 month mark this month; however, until 2 months ago, LMNOB and Punkinhead were still in school and Lil Guy was yet to be born. Now we don't have school and Lil Guy is here with his need to feed and interact and all that other time consuming stuff that newborns require. And truth is, I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming. Not PPD overwhelming, but more like it's-4 o'clock-in-the-afternoon-and-I'm-as-yet-unshowered-in-a-uniform-of-yoga-pants-and-a-nursing-cami-accessorized-with-spit-up-and-crumbs-from-today's-lunch-dinner-needs-cooked-the-house-is-a-pit-and-your-father-is-going-to-be-home-soon-kids-overwhelming, can you hear me gasping for air?

I'd like to think that this is normal, that due to my sickness we lost a month of the transitioning period and really we are dealing with the first month stuff. I'd like to think that a few more weeks and we'll get this gig down pat. But nagging somewhere in the back of my mind is a voice that plants the seeds of doubt: What if this is it? What if you changed your life so dramatically, gave up your self for this chaos?

Immediately upon feeling these things, is the guilt. The reminder that I chose this, planned for this, and that I knew going into it that there would be sacrifices and days like these. And, of course, I'm wondering this and writing this on the heels of a few bad days where the kids' listening abilities have been highly selective and bordering on downright oppositional.

Yesterday, after multiple tantrums from my spawn children and yelling for the umpteenth time which yielded still unsatisfactory results, I had a little mama meltdown fantasy, totally in my mind, whilst externally putting on a sympathetic and compassionate face as I had a heart to heart with LMNOB, the lead instigator in the week's events.

But what do you do when your child tells you she wishes things are the way they used to be before the newest sibling came along; including your physical appearance? Yes, apparently I am raising a shallow little mean girl as she so kindly pointed out that it "looked like I had two stomachs," and she wished that I looked like I did before Lil Guy. Yes, I watched yesterday's Oprah where we are told as parents not to defend, fix or deflect our children's feelings but to just hear them. I get the whole validation thing, but what are we to do when our children want change? And change that we are unwilling/unable to accommodate?

In dealing with all of this I've come to face my old temptations. Those of eating....remember my post about eating a whole pan of brownies? Wasn't just a one-time occurrence, and sadly I don't think I can justify a daily caloric intake rivaling that of Michael Phelps' due to me being a breastfeeding mother. Hyperbole, there in that comparison? Perhaps a smidge, but the fact remains that I need to get a grip on my eating of late. Moreover, I need to be more conscious about the reasons why I am eating, because I don't think it is all hunger.

The other temptation? To zone. To waste time and not be present with my kids or in tending to my household. To surf the web and to just escape.

My solution to these temptations is to return to structured days with the kids. Structured, scheduled bed and wake times, structured activities each day, and goals to achieve for myself, the kids, and the house chores. Should be interesting given that we have a newborn who can often throw a wrench into things, particularly sleep, but if the kids get more structure again some of the behavioral stuff will wane (hopefully) which will (again, hopefully) decrease some of the overwhelm I am feeling.

Wish me luck~




© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Monday, June 15, 2009

Not Me! Monday - 6.15.09

Recently my friend Angela began blogging, and as often happens when one begins to read someone new, introductions to other, new-to-you bloggers are made. Angela reads MckMama, who has this fabulous blog carnival/meme called:



MckMama explains:
Embarrassed that your child urinated in their pants at your mother in law's house?Ashamed about the cupcakes you ate for dinner? Would you like to hide the fact that you put your child to bed in their dirty clothes from the day instead of in clean pajamas? We'll don't be! Not Me! Monday was born out of my desire to admit some of my imperfections and reveal a few moments I'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!

So without further ado, here's my attempt at my first Not Me! Monday

I definitely did not, in effort to boost my protein intake as recommended by a home health nurse, take out my [realtively] new Food Network blender (read: not cheap), throw some protein powder, milk, peanut butter and a banana in and proceed to blend without first remembering that the seal was not in place, but had been thrown in the blender by Someone (Not Me!) last time it was washed. I definitely did not put 2 and 2 together when the smoothie oozed all over out the bottom, and, because this didn't happen to me, I did not later fish out the shredded bands that were once the seal to my beloved blender with a saddened heart. That would be completely boneheaded!

I surely didn't place a towel on the sheet and sleep on it the other night when Lil Guy decided to wet my bed, and also proceeded to spit up like Mt. Vesuvius, during a midnight diaper change. Further, I didn't continue to sleep like this for a few more days before changing the sheets - that would be disgusting!

Finally, I definitely have NOT been eating family size servings of the desserts that have come with the meals people have been bringing over. For example, an entire pan of brownies (that the family never even got to taste) disappeared over the course of 2 days, and I definitely did NOT eat them ALL.

Or maybe I did and that is why the pregnancy weight is no longer falling off me ;)



© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Post I Keep Starting But Never Finishing

I keep trying to sit here and type out a post that says life is slowly transitioning from the Surreal Near Death Experience to the Blessed Hum-Drum of Normal, or at least Normal as we at Casa del Meyer knew it to be.

Which, really if you think about it, we were in the process of defining a NEW Normal prior to the Surreal Near Death Experience seeing as we'd recently added a family member and that always shakes things up a bit, so really, apparently I'm liking the really lingo tonight, do we even know what Normal, even the Casa del Meyer variety, is anymore?

I think I've just confused myself, and therein lies the problem of why this post has been started and stopped umpteen different times over the past 2 weeks: I'm at a loss of what to say because my mind spins a million different directions anytime I start to think about it.

So....as unoriginal as it is, I give you Bullet Points!

  • Health front - I'm feeling more like my Normal self, physically and mentally. And as of Thursday I became PICC free! No more frustrating attempts to cover my arm in saran wrap and medical tape so as to keep my arm dry in the shower - how liberating this is, friends! My CRP's were back down in normal range (interesting trivia - normal range for CRP's is less than 10 and I was at a whopping 319 at the hospital - yes, I was one sick chica) as were my white blood cell counts, and now I just have one follow-up appt with the pulmonologist next week and another with the infectious disease docs in 2 weeks. Then, I shall hopefully be done and just watch the bills pile up this will all be a distant memory...albeit one that I will constantly be reminded of every time I put on deodorant and/or pay my bills.
  • Parenting - LMNOB has been great and resilient about this whole episode, but Punkinhead has really struggled with it. Not only was Mom super-duper sick and couldn't care for the fam like he was used to, he now had to be around LMNOB 24/7 vs. having a nice 8 hour break from her called School, AND, he had a new sibling who happened to bump Punkinhead into the infamous Middle Child placement. Oh yes, Punkinhead has had a bit of a rough go at it of late. Add to it that Colorado's weather has suddenly decided to end its summer drought pattern and return to the Junes of yore, which were exceptionally wet and rainy, and well, we've all been a little stir-crazy. One day a week or so ago, he was tired and frustrated with it all and he exclaimed accusingly, "But everything is always ALL ABOUT YOU, Mama!" his eyes screaming at me, "This is NOT Normal! I want Normal back." And oh, how my little heart ached to try and explain it all away for him. But how do you explain to a 5, almost 6, y/o that sometimes you just gotta go with the flow of life, that sometimes the pecking order gets skewed and yes, everything can change to be all about someone else whether we like it or not? My standard "Suck it up, Buttercup," isn't sufficient for this one. Thankfully, he's getting back to his Normal self too, proportionate to our lives resuming normalcy.
  • Marriage - Charlie Brown is great, has been great through this whole process, but we grew a bit distant having Crisis looming over our heads for a prolonged time. We didn't have the debriefing convos that LMNOB and I had had until one Sunday night at Life Group we were talking about the ordeal with our peers from church and I got to hear his take on it. Which was essentially that he was scared witless initially but that faith and the support of our church got him through each day. That same weekend, we'd been out for a walk and at the end of the subdivision is a house on a giant lot. They were playing their stereo loudly as it was nice weather and they were outdoors. As I listened to the words, I recognized the song as Martina McBride's Blessed, and the tears flowed from both of our eyes as we looked at each other knowingly. To top it off, the next song was LoneStar's Front Porch Looking In - which has a great sentiment too, but directly applies to us what with "carrot tops who can barely walk" and little blonde girls. Shortly after arriving home there was this hunger, this raw need for physical intimacy between us. Kind of like how, in the wake of the death of a loved one, people instinctively turn to their mates to make love as an affirmation of the fact that they are still alive, the desire to be united as one and the closest two can be consumed us. Afterward, I asked Charlie Brown if the scars, as well as my post-partum physique diminished his attraction for me. He held me, told me I was beautiful and that the scars only reminded him of just how precious my time with him was, and we both cried. Healing, therapeutic tears slipped out of our eyes, not in torrents of inconsolable sobs, but in a cleansing wash that rinsed our once-worried hearts with peace and gratitude. Now that we have that behind us, we're now just trying to adjust to the daily grind of him going to work and me staying with the kids, and keeping up that precarious balance between sleep and intimacy that is necessary when you have a newborn. No small potatoes, but in comparison to the last month, it is pretty Normal.
There's so much more to say as always, but time escapes me. I'll keep plugging away though :)




© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved