Thursday, November 1, 2012

time to call a spade a spade...

So, uh, the Photo Challenge?  A nice thought, but I don't do routine/habit so well, duh.  Even when I've put myself out there in hopes of accountability, when it comes to bailing, I seem to have no qualms doing so, and I positively hate that about myself.

So add that to the ever-increasing pile of empty commitments and undone tasks I have going for me, add to it that I'm looking down the barrel of depression again, and I'm a pretty sad mess right now.

Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy or just keen awareness of my broken mind, but I knew it was coming.  About a month ago, I bought a bottle of St. John's Wort, wrote out a daily regimen that involved sunshine and physical activity, and told myself, "I will warrior on through this and get by.  It will be different this time."

But I've done exactly none of the things on my preventive checklist, my St. John's wort only got consumed regularly for a week and then haphazardly afterwards.  I'm sleeping an average of 6 hrs/night because I want to get up and get Kelsey off with a good breakfast in her belly, yet Christopher is wired like me and stays up way too late leaving me with less than 30 minutes of self-time each day*.

*Except that I've been so checked out lately that one could say I'm getting plenty of self-time while my kid watches umpteen million episodes of Handy Manny each day.  Cognitive dissonance only exacerbates the whole seasonal affective situation and yet I'm just so good at feeding into it.

In a misguided hopeful attempt to steer the fam toward more order and structure, I've recently made up some chore charts, a ticket system for the kids' allowance, and have tried to be more consistent with meal planning.  Each day they have the opportunity to do all of their chores, and if they do, they get a blue ticket, worth $0.50; orange and green tickets are awarded at random and are also worth $0.50 each.  Screen time tickets are given each day {barring any loss of privilege incurred for bad behavior} and can be banked or used within the same day.  The result has been a mixed bag, probably due in large part to my miserable lack of consistency in years past.  Some days it has been a great tool, and others, the cause for sullenness and attitude.  I know that behavior charts and the like do not get the heart of the matter; a person's desires, and am not so naive to think that this will make my kids into the people I wish for them to be in the future.  But, from a practical standpoint, it is helping to get things done more frequently than they were.  We are having lots of good talks to talk about helping each other carry the domestic burdens for the family, and hopefully someday that will take root.  For now, this is helping me keep my head above water {most days, anyway}.


Anyway, so the other night I talked with my mom, after a lengthy and unintended hiatus, and it felt really good to have someone who understood my personal crazy that is this time of year.  She knew about the checklist, the not accomplishing any of the items, because she does it too.

I didn't tell her that sometimes, sometimes the self-talk is so deafeningly loud that it's incredibly hard to tune into the things that are True. the One who is True.  That increasingly I am having to refute so much of what I tell myself, rationalize how those negative feelings are simply Not All There Is to Me.  Those days are so hard, and they sometimes scare me because what if there comes a day when the inner voice is simply too loud, too persuasive?  Of course, and I'm not trying to minimize this here, the worst days often tend to coincide with the beginning of my cycle....like clockwork, and yet I fail to recognize it until the day after the Terrible Horrible Days, when there is an ache in my wombish area, followed by that telltale gush of warmth that announces its arrival.

I didn't tell her all of that, but somehow, I'm pretty sure she knows.

Yesterday I saw this Note to Self on Facebook and knew it was totally for me:


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

day 17: fruit


Funny that today was fruit, as I just replenished the fruit bowl yesterday.  The light in the kitchen was very shadowy, thanks to the wild gyrations of the willow tree outside the kitchen door.  It is gusty outside.

{actual post to come}


Monday, October 15, 2012

Days 10-15

It was bound to happen eventually, this falling off the wagon thing whenever it comes to me doing anything that is supposed to become a daily habit.

Borne of chaos, I am NOT a creature of habit and am constantly, {more often than not, fruitlessly}, striving towards routine and structure, only to abandon any purposeful or intentional endeavors for a more reactive, in-the-moment existence...that usually bites me hard, too.

Preamble aside, I'm behind in my pictures, so without further ado, here they are:

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

day 9: red


Red (ahem, Maroon) and Gold are the new school colors, and I couldn't be prouder of the new athlete in our family.

Kelsey began running cross country in August, and tomorrow is her final meet of the season.  She didn't run all summer, and yet, she started with a 10:14 mile base (a time for which I had to train for months!), and she cut that down to 9:42/mile for 2.5 miles in her last couple of races, which is excellent!  What's even more mind-boggling is that sub-10 minute pace is with her having walked some of the courses!  

Last week, she was proud of herself (and I was too) because she ran the entire course.  We don't have her time yet, but what an accomplishment!  She told me after school today that she ran Friday's race in 22:07, exactly 2 minutes less than her previous personal best!  We were so proud together.  We celebrated.  8:53 pace, maintained over distance - WOW!  

It's been busy, but well worth it.  I wanted her to have a sense of belonging at a new school, a crew of kids with whom she could fit and we have found it.  The encouragement of the kids on the teams for EVERY teammate is really special and I know we made the right choice to put her in this sport. 

 

day 8: angle

From our hiking trip in Rocky Mtn. Nat'l Park a couple of weeks ago, I love me a little bit of leaning trees ;)



 

Sunday, October 7, 2012

day 7: light


The sunrise outside my east facing back door is seen more often now than ever before in my life, due to the whole middle school schedule.  {what brainiac determined that it was a stellar idea to get adolescents up at dawn to begin their days, anyway?}

I thought the street lamp looked lovely in the midst of the blue and orange sky {which, btw, was quite something this morning...the sunrises tend to be much rosier in hue around here - these colors are often reserved for what we call Broncos sunsets} and snapped a pic.

Nothing hugely insightful today ;)


 

Saturday, October 6, 2012

day 6: i'm thankful for....edited to add


 {Whoopsie, I totally winged this and did "Something that makes me happy," instead of "I'm thankful for..."  In either case, I limited it to my time-constrained answer, and today, I'm realizing there is a hell of a lot more to put in this post than that which was originally here.  Updated words are in teal.}

My family. {makes me happy.  See also, I'm thankful for....}

In the Colorado mountains (pictured here, Rocky Mtn. Nat'l Park, Cub Lake).

Yeah, we have a lot of drama.  Yeah, family is hard work.  {and so is hiking to the real treasures of the Colorado mountains.  Worth it?  ABSOLUTELY!}

But at the end of the day, nothing makes me feel better than a big bear hug from Kelsey, the latest pop song being echoed by Colton, Christopher's goofy antics or Seth's never-failing humor.

This magical combination of: them + the outdoors = my personal nirvana.

I'm thankful for God's unfailing love for me, especially when I'm clinging to the fear that He's not really there or that He doesn't really care for me.  Yeah, I've had a season of doubt and desert wandering.  It's been intense.  And Satan, that expert manipulator, used someone in the church's good intentions to hurt me and catapult me further into this questioning.

And then God, used the kindness of someone I barely know to raise me up and remind me, bad things happen to good people and life sucks that way, but we can choose to let it keep us down or we can choose to help others going through similar hardships.  I needed that as much as I needed this prompt in things for which I'm thankful.

I'm thankful that despite some rough at-home behavior, the overall product of our family is kids who are loving and kind and thoughtful.  I'm thankful for check-ins with teachers that validate the work is paying off with them, even if I'm one of the last ones to see it.  {we had Kelsey's Advanced Learning Plan meeting Monday, followed by Parent-Teacher conferences the rest of the week}

I'm also thankful that the week of crazy meetings is over and we are back to our regularly scheduled program.  :)  {oh middle school, you and your 8 teacher schedules...}

I'm thankful for Fall in Colorado and the beauty that greets me every day.

I'm thankful that after some slipping up with health and wellness, my two best buds, Seth and Sarah, are taking their on steps to fitness journeys.  It is inspiring, motivating and has helped me get off my duff and make sure I'm eating thoughtfully again.

I'm thankful for my spiritual family and the tremendous strength I am able to draw from them, even without them knowing it.

  

Friday, October 5, 2012

day 5: shadow

So this is totally the cheater's way I suppose, but here's today's picture:

COMING SOON!

We had a cold front move in, and with it, cloud cover through which light was impenetrable, at least shadow making light.  

And indoors?  My house has little unused wall space on which a shadow could be cast.  And it is a crazy mess.

I will come back to you, day 5.


I was so pleased with the way this shot came out, because it is completely illustrative of what I need in my heart right now.

Yes, there's shadow, and the vast majority of the picture is swallowed up in it.

But there's a sliver of illuminated ground, and that bright beacon burning through the tree that is fighting to be seen.

I need to cling to that light.

 

what i wish she would have let me say to her

Backstory: the latter part of July, I received a msg from a colleague regarding an executive position opening at a local non-profit.  While I am currently at home, it has always been part of the plan for me to return to work when Christopher began school.  We're not quite there yet, but seeing as this opportunity found me {I was not looking} and our finances are still pretty dire thanks to Pneumo-Geddon 2009 and the crapped economy, Seth and I had some very frank conversation about whether I should even pursue it, and decided together that indeed, I should at least test the waters.  I interviewed {x3}, took a personality test, and landed in the top 3 candidates, but alas, it was not meant to be.  And I was actually ok with it.  What follows is a conversation I wanted to have with a friend, after we'd had an exchange that crushed me up quite a bit.


Motherhood should be a blessing, not the guilt-inciting, martyr-making chore that the level of sacrifice you keep wanting me to make has turned it into.  I don't want motherhood to be the cross I have to pick up daily, I want it to be something that I enjoy, treasure and am thus able to offer my best to my kids.  The financial trauma my family has faced in the past 3 years has taken away from that, and I'm seeking to restore the balance of having enough {and my enough is not a materialistic enough fwiw}and being more present with my kids.  I am fully aware that the trade off of time away from my kids seems counter-intuitive from this, but trust me, my eyes are wide open looking into this.  To suggest otherwise was insulting to me, as I thought you knew me to be the thoughtful, analytical person I am.

I'd like to remind you, as I pointed out in subsequent communications, that I know your thoughts on the Mommy Wars quite well; as a result, I did not seek your advice or blessing regarding my potential return to work.

I also did not seek your encouragement after my child let it slip that we needed prayers because mom didn't get the job she was seeking.  But I got it.  Ninety minutes of it.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

day 4: what you read


So, despite having kids aged 11, 9, and 3, I recently started going to the brand-spanking new MOPS group at our church. Not because I don't know how the motherhood drill goes, obvs, but because I'm feeling more stretched than ever with the constant hokey pokey of one foot in middle school, an arm in elementary, and the other foot in toddlerhood.

I had heard of MOPS before, but seriously, I thought it was more suited for the Stepford types, and bypassed it for many years. I had some good IRL friends and in the early years with my older two, I belonged to parenting message boards, which ultimately evolved into blogging circa 2006.  Now that I'm doing it, I've often thought, "Where was this in 2001, when I needed it so?"  No matter, things happen the way they're supposed to, right?

This book is the topic of our guided discussions and so far it is pretty good.  More cheerful than I am by nature, but definitely not Pollyanna or Stepford-ish.  Maybe it can help me be more focused on the big picture instead of the crisis of the moment!


Wednesday, October 3, 2012

day 3: this happened today


So, you can't really tell, but the wind was blowing those leaves HARD when I snapped this.  And that cloud in the background?  Just got bigger and darker as the gusts pushed it in.

We were sitting at a nice 80ish degree day with an occasional breeze, and over the course of the next couple hours, dropped a whopping 40 degrees.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

day 2: lunchtime



So, there is no beautiful food picture for my 'lunchtime' photo.

No, today was one of those where we had a hearty breakfast, Christopher had a late late morning snack, I was fully engaged in housecleaning, and when I felt the first pang of hunger, I looked at the clock in the kitchen and saw we were more than 2 hours past noontime.  And, we needed to go run an errand before Colton got home from school in less than 2 hours, which would then initiate the evening crazy: the daily 14 mile round trip to pick Kelsey up from cross country, dinner, and parent teacher conferences (day 2).

So it was lunch on the go.

I hate the convenience of those Golden Arches whose food never decomposes :/





Monday, October 1, 2012

day 1: where you stood


So, in six years of blogging (give or take, what with the 6 month hiatuses and all), I've never done any of these daily blog prompt things, but I really hope to get back in the swing of it, so what better than a quick, easy photo of the day, with or without some words, to dive back into things?


While this is not a great photo, it does represent several things for me about where I've stood.  

Friday, September 28, 2012

free falling or dancing in the wind?


Yesterday while out doing mundane errands {that I'd put off for as long as possible...I hate getting license plate renewal tags}, I had a Moment.

It was not a Moment of epiphany, nor one of any huge significance, but time stood still and I just...watched.

I was driving out of Old Town, approaching the University and got stopped at the light.  And then I marveled at the light.  No, not the stoplight, but that September lighting that always seems to captivate me.  That gold-washed luminescence that seems to bathe everything in a radiant amber; it's a fleeting phenomenon, this seasonal aura seems to dissipate with the shift in axial angle of the earth and something compelled me to just watch it, because... well, just because.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Jesus Factor


Lately I've been practicing being more mindful of my words, a difficult task for a compulsive blurter and out-loud-thinker such as myself.  Tucked into this study of my speech is a look at what my actions communicate as well.

Partly inspired by the {largely} unnecessary rift my as-yet-unprocessed, somewhat reactionary words recently caused between a friend and me, a large part of this introspective exercise has been prompted by social media and the endemic disregard for viewpoints other than one's own.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Blowing the dust off

I should be doing anything but writing a blog post.  Especially since I haven't touched this blog in over 5 months -there is no readership, no community waiting to hear from me.

But...

Something pulls at me.


I have work up to my ears, professionally and personally, that need attending.  Work that is why I got up before the sun this morning.  Work that I need to finish.

But...

Something whispers to me, "Awake!"

I've been asleep for a long time, wandering in the desert in a semi-conscious stupor, not really grumbling at God like the Israelites.  I couldn't be that short-sighted after all He's done for me, now could I?  No, I haven't been ungrateful, unable to remember the remarkable things God has done in my life, so much as I've been....

Veiled.  There's been something between me and God that keeps me from really seeing, hearing, feeling His presence in my life.  Pride?  Weariness?  Apathy?  Shaky faith?  I don't know.  I haven't been able to put my finger on it, but suffice to say that I have been in a pattern of just going through the motions for a long time.  I don't know the last time I sat down with God and really communed with Him, at least outside of church, anyway.  Because there have been plenty of moments not unlike a party where I've really connected with a lifelong friend, but then something comes along and I promise to take up the conversation later.  And yet, I never do.

Last night we went to our church's youth group since our Life Group wasn't meeting.  Rather than a lesson, we had a conversation about how life, particularly Christian life, holds no promise of being a walk in the park, among various other cliche's.  I, being the pop culture thinker I am, immediately heard a reprise in my mind...."I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden."  That song, though not that version, is older than I am, and so universally true.  

We talked about the barriers, often self-induced - though not always, we struggle against as we strive to walk with God.  Throughout the discussion, God kept nudging me, as He often does when I'm struggling, with Scriptures that have been present in my own recent glimpses at the Word: Romans 8:31-39, Hebrews 12:1-2, and a few others that fade in my memory Toward the end of the discussion, a wise sister brought up a passage in 2 Corinthians 3 that spoke to me, as well as her thoughts regarding the words inspired by God.

12 Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13 We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to prevent the Israelites from seeing the end of what was passing away. 14 But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. 15 Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16 But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 

As she shared this, she likened our tendency to pull away from God and try to prove our independence in our struggles, that we can handle this On. Our. Own! to that veil on us today.  That when we turn to the Lord and proclaim our dependence, and our joyful submission to that dependence, there is nothing between us, that we are free to become....


...transformed into His image with ever increasing glory...
Huh....another repeat (look at my header).  Blog has since been redesigned {again}.

Thanks for the reminder, Father.  I thank you for your enduring patience with my stubborn independence, and praise you for your gentle and abundant love.  I pray that you will help me to proclaim my dependence on you and bless me with the unveiled glories of your presence that follows submission.  Thank you for Jesus and his humanity, his example, and his sacrifice.  Thank you for the hope you provide in the promise that you will transform us, that we are not doomed to continue the same heartaches of life over and over, but that we may rise above them with your help.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Run through...

Courtesy of Coloradoan
Fort Collins 2011 FireKracker 5k




Run through the FAT days,
   Run despite whoever loves you {or doesn’t}
  Run through REGRET and GUILT,
 Run through FRUSTATIONS,
  Run though LONELINESS,
 Run through those BLISSFUL days
Run despite your DYSFUNCTIONAL family
 Run through people drifting IN & OUT of your life
Run through your own fits of SELF-DOUBT
Because i am NO LONGER that girl 
who thought constantly of her struggle to disappear

I RUN
to be HEALTHY
grow STRONGER
and be as ALIVE 
as I possibly can
  
poem from a pinterest post I stumbled on eons ago.

Today was one of those blissful running days.  I of course, had the kids with me, and couldn't go as fast and free as I felt like going, but it was one of those gorgeous, warm and sunny in Colorado winter days that is such a gem after being indoors too long.

So glad to be able to get out again, and pray that this weather continues.


Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us
throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and 
let us RUN with perseverance the race marked out for us. 
--Hebrews 12:1



Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Light Up the Sky

Woke up this morning to a beautiful sunrise (thankfully the sun is rising later than o'dark-thirty - near 7ish - or else I'd have missed this gorgeous celestial display)




No I can't deny that you and right here with me



More stunning photos are seen on Julie's blog.  (She's much better with a camera than me)  

And this video, is just awesome, watch as the skies came to life:
For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature... 
-Romans 1:20


Monday, January 2, 2012

Resolved: To Reflect [and Correct] Continually

Yesterday we had a really good sermon about resolutions and repentance - despite our speaker's claim that it was a non New Year's resolutions sermon.

Why?

Because {insert gross oversimplification of the message here:} we shouldn't wait to change - we should change as soon as we feel something is a problem in our lives.  Now.  Not Monday or New Year's Day, today!

I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment.

And yet....

My only counterpoint is that we shouldn't toss the baby out with the bathwater and call all New Year's resolutions bad.  Yes, if you identify a problem in your life on January 3rd and don't do squat about it until January 1st of the following year - that's a problem.  If you resolve to change and it only lasts a week or two, that's bad too.

But, often in our culture, we don't take time to reflect, save when Hallmark (or Dick Clark as the case may be) tells us to.  And in reflecting, it is only then we can identify areas to improve, grow, and do differently in our lives.  One of the most natural times to do so is New Year's, and so, I contend that if you make New Year's resolutions more as a result of reflection than as a result of putting off the challenging, painful process known as CHANGE, more power to you.

In the same vein of the sermon, though - I think we ought to reflect more in our 21st century lives, take time to unplug, slow down, breathe quietly with God, communing freely with Him dwelling on our hopes, dreams, and our druthers and reconciling them with what we know to be His will for us.  We don't spend one meaningful night/weekend with our other loved ones and call it good for a year, do we?

For planning purposes - I feel that we should do some serious introspection and self-evaluate our personal performance and/or goals in life at least quarterly.  What's going well?  What's not?  Strengths/Weaknesses?  Where/What would we like to be by the next quarter?

For intimacy with God purposes - most Christians talk of a daily walk with God.  This is more than church attendance and corporate prayers. As I shared last time, I've been struggling with this, and really, it's not a new struggle - it's been my same struggle since I first told the Lord He could have my life.  Here's my life, but uh, I'm not quite ready to talk to you about everything.

So, for accountability purposes, and because I tend to be like Aibileen from The Help, doing better with writing my prayers (though I can't claim a high/speedy rate of positive answers like Aibilene did), I'm going to attempt small, daily frequent, check-ins with God.  By writing my prayers, I also avoid the over-usage of God's favorite word, too.  Hehehe..... Some will be here, the stuff that has to do primarily with me and my struggles (so that we avoid this kind of situation), and stuff involving other people will be written in a journal.

Today, I begin...

Dear Heavenly Father,
Who am I that You care for me?  But You do, lavishing rich and universal blessings on all Your children, the richest of which was Your Son.  A thousand thanks to Jesus!  But it goes beyond that.  You bless me in ways that speak to my heart, ways that aren't one size fits all.  And You do this for everyone who has ever existed and loved You.  That's pretty amazing.

I come to you today with a sheepish heart.  I've been playing hide n seek again....or is still a better word here?  I don't know exactly, but you do.  I always want to do better at reading about you and learning who you are more intimately, but then I don't ever do it, at least not consistently.

There's a word, consistent.  I feel like it is the antithesis of my essence, and I hate that, because so many things, good things, preach consistency.  Parenting skills, health and wellness lifestyles, financial management, bible reading, prayer....and I'm not consistent in any of those areas and wonder why life feels so chaotic all the time.  I pray that you will help me, dear Lord.  Help me to daily take one step closer to you so that I can feel the affirmation of Your promise to come toward me in return.  Please help me to consistently seek You so that I can become more consistent in other areas in life.  Help me to see Your goodness and strive to mirror that to my children, family, friends, neighbors, and strangers.

I thank you so much for providing the opportunity to teach my kids a valuable lesson about respect today.  An opportunity that I would love to say I've been praying for You to provide, but we both know that's just not the case.  Nonetheless, it's been on my mind as I've seen some areas of concern in recent months, and You gave us an Incident, which gave me a huge opportunity to teach them.  One in which I'm pretty sure they heard me.  It wasn't fun, and I'm not exactly proud of the details of the Incident, but the end result was a good vehicle for learning and growth.