Thursday, January 11, 2018

Epiphany

Photo by Austin Chan on Unsplash
I remember.

This one day in a college lecture the instructor was highlighting the virtues and pitfalls of hallucinogenic drug use on the human psyche.

"So I have this friend who's a brilliant writer, you know? He calls me up and says, 'Dude, I keep having this amazing word pop into my brain the last few times I've gotten high. Like its structure just blows my mind, and the meanings it conveys, and I gotta capture it, I just keep forgetting.' Ok, so I tell him to keep one of his gazillion note pads handy next time he lights a joint and write it down so he can find it when he's sober."

"Well, kids, he did it. Wanna know what this transcendental language icon was?"

"'The.......' Just the word 'the.'"

Titters from the crowd.

"I know, right? So there you have it."

And he launched into a litany of other effects THC and other hallucinogens can have on the brain, particularly with respect to short-term memory.

(Let it be known that I have never had the slightest interest in experimenting with pot. Not a moral high-horse thing, simply too many negative associations with the drug as a child.)

So keep that story in your back pocket.

Monday night, I was so excited, practically giddy - really, to go back to yoga after a very long absence during fall semester.

Except.

This specific class has gained some crazy popularity, and when I opened the door on-time, the studio was packed to the gills.

No room at the Yoga Inn.

Sadly, I resigned myself to climbing the stairs to the cardio balcony that overlooks the basketball courts, where Colton and Christopher redeem their 6 hours of school-day sedentarism through sweat on a regular basis.

I'd planned on 50 minutes of yoga plus 30 minutes of cardio that night, so I set the elliptical for an hour.

See previous note about my gym hibernation last semester. And note, that's a hella long time for an out of shape mom.

But where a girl has goals and endless power jams from Adam Levine, Ed Sheeran, Kelly, Meghan, and Katie, a girl has the ability.

About 30 minutes in the endorphins start to kick in, and with them, insights to the speech I need to write for my upcoming Sentate confirmation start to trickle through my mind.

Then flashes of thought as to recent marital strife - how I could really resolve some things on my end.

Hey, you know, I bet you could solve the world's problems with this strategy....

Churchy thoughts, reflections of Saturday's time with the homeless.

Ideas on how I could start writing more of my stuff, creative plots, beautiful vignettes.

Seriously, mind-blowing, revolutionary sagaciousness was flowing with the blood pumping through my mom-bod.

See also: bordering on delusional.

I'm gonna have to write these down, these are so good!

And then, scene.

Workout is over, I'm dripping sweat everywhere (regrettably after the staff had just wiped the area down - sorry, folks), I'm in that blissed out state that occurs when one really moves and pushes their body.

Go pick up the boys and wrangle them to head home.

Arrive at casa del Meyer.

And poof! 

All insights are gone. What were those amazing thoughts?

I suppose I'll need to start recording my thoughts as they pop up during my elliptical time.

But.

A tiny bit of me is scared the profundity will be much less in real time.

You know, about as deep as "the."

Friday, January 5, 2018

When the 'sleeping dogs' grow restless

Unsplash.com: Michael Mroczek
When you grow up knowing your mother's partner, your air-quotes dad, isn't actually your father,

It's kind of like being adopted.

But not really.

Because growing up with your mother and siblings

Is not like being adopted.

When you finally meet the paternal side of your DNA, at age 14,

It's like a birth parent reunion.

Except, you've known who he was all along.

You went to school with your cousins.

And you knew it.

And they knew it.

When trauma enters that newfound parent-child relationship,

It's like death of a family.

Especially when the book finally closes shut for decades on that brief chapter.

Except, when social media allows you to look them up, see pictures of your then-toddler brothers all grown up and pushing 30,

You know.

It's not really like they're dead.

They are quite alive.

Without you.

Are you dead to them?

Do they remember?

Wondering what half of your medical history is can be,

Like being adopted.

So much unknown.

But you know.

Exactly how to reach them,

Should you have the desire.

But that's the question,

Do you desire to know and be known,

More than you are comforted by the insulating comfort distance affords?

Is the wondering insufferable to the point you must act?

Or is the bliss of ignorance prized enough that these passing fancies of curiosity will be sated with a glimpse of your child's bone structure staring back at you through a screen?

Almost 25 years ago, I met them.

Nearly 17 years ago, the book of our relationship closed, both covers gradually moving a mutual direction toward the closure.

And yet, a niggling curiosity will awaken.

I don't always know why, but sometimes it isn't very easy to let the sleeping dogs lie.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Actualization: 2018


I suck at New Year's Resolutions - always have.

And ONE word for the year?

Seems so constraining, so limited for this tangential, all-the-strings-in-my-web-are-connected thinker.

So I did the vision board thing.

Yes, the very thing that I've poked fun of over the years.

You see, there's science that backs it, and I am determined AF (and, truthfully, a little lot overwhelmed) about making 2018 very, very different from 2017.

There are a lot of moving pieces to this year:

  • First official semester (i.e. IN the program) as a grad student, taking two courses, not one
  • Going through the Family Leadership Training Institute, and harnessing my voice
  • Second half of Kelsey's junior year, i.e. figuring out life plans and making $#!t happen for her
  • Lacrosse season - high school and club for Colton and Chris, respectively
  • Seth going back to work
  • My appointment to the Colorado Children's Trust Fund Board
  • Answering the calling God has given me (see all of the above!)
  • Really pursuing my fitness/health, and taking care of myself
  • Pouring into my relationships
So, I really needed something to bolster me as I pursue all of these things.

The BIG words for 2018 that I am holding onto for dear life?
  • Awakening - civilly, spiritually, life path-wise 
  • Hope - we have to do better in our families, communities, country
  • Transformation - intellectually, physically, emotionally, spiritually
  • BREATHE - I have to take time to rejuvenate, PLAY, and create
  • Triumph - I will succeed where I put my mind to it
  • Active - I have to make time to be healthy
  • Tribe - my friends and family are priceless and I want to continually invest in them while adding new people to the tribe
The small words are ideas for how to accomplish these things.
  • Find beauty in common places
  • Made in America with love (shout out to the idea of making America KIND again)
  • Daring Dissenter
  • Pioneers of HOPE
  • Refresh: Mind, Body, Soul
  • I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart
  • Truth be told
  • Because I have this crazy idea that my purpose is bigger than me
  • Breaking borders with Kindness
  • Class (as in the academic type)
  • Work harder
  • Relax
  • Gratitude
  • Write
  • Rejuvenate
  • Quest
  • Explore
  • Playtime
  • Camp
  • Getaway
  • Free to be you and me
  • Friends
  • #justsayhello
  • Surround yourself with inspirational people
Can't wait to see what's in store!