Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Really shallow thoughts before bedtime

  • Sometimes I wonder if LMNOB will ever master toilet hygiene - the girl is two days shy of 6 and still can't wipe back to front, uhm, blush, that is front to back (honest I know the right way, it was late!) to save her life, nor to the point of a clean hiney.
  • Holy estrogen, batman, my body is going completely hormonal on me. My skin and hair, normally in the dry-normal classification, have all of a sudden begun spurting oil. If only it were the oil that translated to $, then that would be a real Beverly HillBilly story, wouldn't it?
  • I think Denise Austin is related to Tony the Tiger - she says, "Grrrreat," a million times in the Hit the Spot Pilates Workout.
  • Charlie Brown is such a boy with respect to his new toy - HD tv. I think it is nice, but not at all a priority. Scandalous, I know.
  • While it was completely inappropriate for Punkinhead to streak about naked post-bathing while my friend S was here to do Pilates, it was totally hilarious to watch his little 3 y/o boy parts dangle as he hopped around shouting, "But wait a minute S, I hafta tell you someting!" He had to tell us a hundred "sometings" as it turned out- or was it just an excuse to show off his junk??? Starts early, doesn't it?
  • The hip swivel exercise on Hit the Spot Pilates makes me think of things one does in missionary position, cuz I'm real mature like that.
  • I've always hated group work in school, because there is always that person who doesn't carry their weight.
  • Yesterday, as I waited very impatiently in the Loveland Safeway while a Jewish man set the record for number of pricechecks in a single outing, I wondered if he felt discriminated against - as all of his price checked items were "foreign" (to the store) and yet needed for him to celebrate passover.
  • How old is Denise Austin anyways? She's been doing this fitness gig for.ev.er.

In otherwords, I did Denise Austin Pilates tonight, and now am having trouble going to sleep. Especially since I have other, more meaningful thoughts of depth floating thru this head of mine, but not a clue as to how to express them yet. Hmmmm...........

'night.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Sick

Yesterday, fighting the voice in the back of my head that said, "You're a crappy mom, neglecting your kids like this," I took a nap while the kiddies played in LMNOB's room.

Charlie Brown was at work.

I. Was. Just. So. TIRED! I've had a bit of a head cold all week, and yesterday, my body was screaming for rest.

So I set the alarm for 2:30 and slept for an hour. It felt good too.

Charlie Brown came home and we ordered dinner in, decided not to go to a going away party for friends of ours (not because we didn't want to, but they'd been at our house Friday night for a more personal going away, and I was not feeling well), I studied, and fell asleep halfway thru the second journal article I was reading. That was like 8:00. And I'm sort of a night owl.

So I went to bed. And slumbered the night away.

At 7:40 this morning, Charlie Brown says, "Someone must have messed with the alarm."

Sunday church. oops!

It felt like cutting through sand to raspily say, "Oh, yeah, I used it whed I dook by dap," to which Chuck replied, "Oh, you sound sexy."

This is our code for, "Wow! Are you just dying, or what? I'd hug you but you sound like the kiss of death, so how can I help you?"

"Uh, yeah I'b dot baking it to church." Then I think I hacked up a lung or something...My head is pounding like it is trying to squeeze every last drop of congestion out of me.

It has been a LONG time since I have been ill. And I'm remembering, I do not do well with sickness either. Damn.

In the meantime, the crew is at church, and I'm gonna get me some more zzz's. If only the sun weren't so blazing bright today.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

More proof that "I am so smart! S-M-R-T!"

Love that gem from Homer J.

Usually, I say it when I've done something intellectually lackluster, as opposed to brilliant.

But tonight, it's a bit of a shallow victory chant.

Last Saturday I was frantically writing my essay for the 2nd unit of my class. (Note for new readers: I'm only taking one class at a time, which is really weird for this overachiever. But, to redeem myself, it is a Master's level class) Anyway, back to the fanaticism.

Charlie Brown was home, so in theory, I should have been all set in writing this paper. Theory and reality clearly didn't align or mesh as the rantings of LMNOB and the crashings of Punkinhead were still VERY noticeable, and hopelessly distracting. Long story short, I rushed a paper with kids simultaneously climbing, yelling, and whining all over me. I was not pleased with the resulting, multi-tasked paper, noting a few redundant word uses, and sentences whose noun/verb agreements weren't pristine...but, for any semblance of family peace, I turned in the paper (online) in its less than stellar (in my opinion) format.

Ever since, I have been chewing on my fingers, just convinced that I totally blew this one.

Well, grades were posted tonight.

I GOT ANOTHER 18!! ANOTHER A -!!!

And not just any A-. Last time the instructor said that the paper was "good," and "interesting."

This time she says, emphasis mine:

Heather, I think you've written a very good essay on this Big Question. It covers a lot of ground, and it demonstrates a sophisticated and wise [interesting how those words mean the same thing at root, but convey such different ideas!] understanding of the material you've read in preparation for it. You've already achieved a high level of critical thinking skills, in that you don't recite platitudes nor accept ideas without assessing them. We can always push forward on this frontier (critical thinking), though. For example, you might ask yourself about the theory that underlies the American view of politics (hint: it's the same as our underlying view of economics) and how that theory affects our view of administration.


I'm so GIDDY!!! Yay!!!

I CAN juggle all of the big M's in my life!! Of course, this stands to mean that I have received some validation, but am not likely to get all cocky and sure of myself. I am much too self-doubting for that.

One thing I can say...

It's not all me.

God put me here. He's been planning this all along. He put just the right job experiences - that I NEVER in a million years would have seen myself in 10 years ago - and the right life experiences (my childhood, and the inherent desire to help others in those situations) all together. And then, He planted a seed, not of doubt but of curiosity, about whether I could do it within me.

And then, things just sort of came about most Providentially.

  1. Just the right, very random exposure to this program piqued my interest, and then later interrelated into my work experience in multiple ways - GSPA is doing the data analysis of the Homeless Count, and the MPA is a direct tie-in to my work
  2. My admissions app hung around for 1 year + - an anomaly that saved me $$ on transcripts and time on Letters of Recommendation.
  3. The whole scholarship gig

Now that I'm in the program, God hasn't stopped providing. In fact, He's guiding me, helping me juggle the big M's in my life right now (see top of the blog). LOVE that Big Guy, I do. He's pretty helpful in dealing with life's whammies.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Wanna be in my circle??

That is to say, I erased my blogroll from the old template, and my memory is failing me.

So, if ya want in, gimme a shout out with a link to your site, and I'll gladly put you on the list.

Oh yeah, I am so cool. LOL

Oh, joy...

The crazy neighbor is back.

May the Lord have mercy on my soul, as it is none too kind right now.

****
When we first moved here, 3 years ago, he seemed harmless enough.

Married guy, extreeeeeeemely outgoing, with 3 great kids and a wife who spent the majority of the time inside, but was pleasant whenever she was out.

Said neighbor soon became known as the guy who, despite having the exact same house we all do in cookie-cutter-ville, had the "perfect house," was a name-dropper - and moreover, a price-dropper, wore rather 80's style white team sneakers to coordinate with his fake Under Armour t-shirt of the day, despite a middle-aged average joe paunchiness, and who would constantly cut down others while at the same time show how everything associated with him was bigger, better, faster.

His egocentrism drove us nuts straight away, and we began dodging conversations with him as a result.

Then, his wife left him.

Enter a whole new ugly side of this freak next door. Enter rage that could not be put aside for the benefit of his kids. Enter inappropriate sexual comments from a man who drummed for a "Christian" band and wore his megachurch's brand conveniently upon him like it was a Member's Only jacket.

At one point, about 6 mos after his wife left, he was really inappropriate with me - talking about how he wanted to get some young, fine thing and wink, wink, nod, nod. blech!

It worried me. I called his soon-to-be-ex wife and told her I was really worried about the vibes I was getting from him.

She immediately asked if I'd seen anything inappropriate with him and their daughter.

I told her no, but that her question confirmed some of my fears. Was he a sex addict? Did he have weird boundary issues with people?

Oh, yes. Affairs, porn, you name it and she'd dealt with it. She shared some information about his violence against her, and I was shamed that we hadn't caught it, nor had we talked with her sooner after she left to see if we could help. But, long story short, we steered clear from him and his weirdness.

*****
True to form, he met someone before the divorce was final, and two months after it all cleared, not quite a year after the wife left him, he was marrying this new woman he'd met.

If we'd been friends, Charlie Brown and I would have asked him about whether this was the most prudent decision he could make, for both himself and his children, who'd been through a LOT. But we weren't so we just smiled and nodded stiffly when he told us.

In August, we (Charlie Brown and I) partied like it was 1999 when we found out he was moving into HER house. He'd rent this one next to us out to someone.

Which he did, but that didn't quite work out when his tenant wasn't EXACTLY what he hoped for.

This weekend, in February, a mere 6 months, he's moving back in, because it "didn't work out."

Uh, ya think???

Now, I'm saying WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Nothing like being held hostage in your own home on the premise that some extremely undesirable dude is lurking among us.

The crazy irony is last week we saw his ex and the two boys out at Burger King. She was not with a partner, and no ring was on her finger. She was tactful and filled with decorum and needn't have mentioned the Crazy Neighbor - b/c she's all moved on and stuff. Should've known that to be a sign that this guy just isn't going to leave our lives.

I know, I should just pray.

But still - this guy is creepy and his spiritual baggage has, at times, exuded into our home - after all, the fall that his wife left him was the fall that porn came back into our home. Spiritual influence? Who knows. I do know this - I'm not happy at the prospect of spiritual warfare in my own backyard again.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Think the Chinese Lady was Horny?

I ask because this stuff, straight from an e-mail I got awhile back, sounds just like a fortune cookie, bad, fragmented grammar and all, and on top of it – there is something about being hot, making love, or being attractive in EVERY last one of them. My theory? She was horny, or she just didn’t want anyone to feel badly about themselves.

Other than the bad prose and sexual themes, this is actually pretty funny – both funny ha-ha and funny, weeeeeird – how’d she know that? I commented on these things for the May baby (me) and November baby (Charlie Brown).

Enjoy!

---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.

----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves Freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions

-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive
personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and Reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.

------------------APRIL BABY -------------------
Suave
and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and Sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good Memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or Make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.

-----------------MAY BABY -----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Oh yeah! Strong-willed and highly motivated. That’s the same thing, in case you didn’t catch it the first time. Sharp thoughts. Hence the allusion to brilliance at the top of the screen. Easily angered. Red hair, man what can I say! Attracts others and loves attention. Oh, me! Me! Pick me! Lol…Deep feelings. This one’s a bitch when I’m sad/mad, because I’m REALLY mad/sad – but happiness, bring it on! Beautiful physically and mentally. I like to think so anyway
J Firm Standpoint. Read: Stubborn, again. Needs no motivation. Dude, like ya’ll have to be told that – I am a mama, wife, grad student, FT gov’t employee/do gooder for social justice – I do it ALL! Shy towards opposite sex. This is the only one she got wrong – I’m shy toward the SAME sex – Women. Easily consoled. Uh, yeah, that attention thing – something that lets me know you were thinking of me wins me every time. Systematic (left brain). Read: anal and controlling all the way. Loves to dream. Yeah, I do, but that systematic side of me usually leaves my dreams, chuckling. Strong clairvoyance(right brain). Yup – human lie detector and apt to predict the future – I get to use BOTH sides of my brain! Understanding. That’s why I’m a do-gooder, because I care. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. I’m sure my mom will attest to this – I was a chronic ear infection as a child. Good Imagination. Sometimes, a little TOO good. Good physical. (WTH?? Crazy Chinese fortune teller speak) Weak breathing. She’s seen me run, that explains it. Loves literature and the arts. Read: I’m a well rounded nerd, both in the sciences AND the arts! Loves traveling. Or simply would like to…someday. Dislikes being at home. Usually because it is not systematic (clean) and therfor not conducive to my preferences. Right? Restless. Yeah, I like to change it up. Not having many children. I figure, if Chuck and I can exit this world with one replacement each, that’s all we need, eh? Hardworking. Or workaholic who derives her worth from her performance – whichever you prefer. High spirited. That’s fortune teller for drama queen. I’m pretty damned awesome, huh? LOL….

------------JUNE BABY -------------
You've got the best personality and are an Absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have a very attractive Partner. A wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day Become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you’ve got the looks for it!

----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be with friends. Always broods about the past an d the old friends. Waits for Friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "everything's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. In need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "Charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. strong willed. A fighter.

------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------
Active
and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.

---------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.

---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy
and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. This drives me nuts about him most of the time. ‘Wanna tickle fight?’ No, not really, hey, I said no dammit! Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Yeah…that’s that dramatic casa del Meyer thing – cuz we are both dumb in that regard. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. But of course – I’d naturally marry the pick of the litter! If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because they’re one of a kind yeah….he is. Awwwww….

---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------
This
straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible... better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

It's coming along folks...

I know it ain't perfect yet....time. It takes time.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Are in the air....

Inspiration is credited to Lynne, Niki, and the littlest brother.

Design credits, and props for having the blog template match made in heaven for me, go to Miss Zoots - I'm not worthy, but oh so appreciative :) for the awesome fit!

It's not perfect yet - I'm still working on the blogrolling thing, and some other tidbits. I do want to see if I can get the color scheme to go more greensy, like the sage color in the graphic. But it'll work for now.

Toodles - I have something called work to do.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

My latest anthem

I've found myself pelting out this song a lot lately.

It moves me.

Jewel's Life Uncommon, on her Spirit album, also on which is the hit song Hands, another hit rich with the spirituality of social justice.

I'd like to note that the "faith" that is mentioned in this song is not to be mistaken for as that of the "religious right" movement. No, that is not going to accomplish anything but reestablish Pharisaism, promote cultural division, and further social stratification, all of which are the enemies, both of Christ and what He intended to do here, as well as that of our country.

I'm reminded of James where it talks of faith without works being dead, as I listen to this song:




Don't worry mother it'll be all right
And don't worry sister say your prayers and sleep tight
It'll be fine lover of mine
It'll be just fine

Lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a life uncommon

I've heard your anguish
I've heard your hearts cry out
We are tired we are weary but we aren't worn out
Set down your chains, until only faith remains
Set down your chains

And lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that
Which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon

There are plenty of people who pray for peace
But if praying were enough it would have come to be
Let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
To hear our voices ring out clear
With sounds of freedom

Sounds of freedom
Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way
There is a new army coming and we are armed with faith
To live, we must give
To live

And lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength to that we wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead...

Lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon

Monday, February 12, 2007

How I am like a Ball Park Hot Dog

They plump when you cook 'em.

I plump when you cook 'er. [with life's pressures that is]

Yes...I'm facing a weight gain. Most recently, it's only about 7 pounds up from what I was. In the last 9 mos, it's 20 pounds up.

I recently delayed my annual physical for a month because I was not looking forward to hearing about my weight, especially because 20 pounds ago, my doc told me, "You know, you could stand to lose about ten," and nagged me about upping the cardiovascular ante.

How's a gain of 20 instead, doc?

I know how it happened. First, I weaned myself off the antidepressant that had some appetite suppressant qualities to it. Then, I've continuously added stress to my life (homeless count project, kindergarten, THE HOLIDAYS, a little marital discontent, full-time employment, and now school) all the while decreasing most physical activity.

So last week, sitting in the dr.'s office, we're chatting, and she oh-so-kindly is silent about the weight. But then, she asks me about my cycle, and as I begin to tell her that I've gone from a 31 day cycle to a 23-24 day cycle, it dawns on me....

I eat like a hog the week before I start, and slightly more than average while on the rag. So....that means I have about one normal week of eating in a month!

NO WONDER MY WEIGHT IS PLUMPIN' FASTER THAN A BALL PARK FRANK!

The doc agrees. She suggest Yasmin, a new birth control pill that is being rx'd to keep weight down and treat PMS?

I am thrice bitten, extremely shy with birth control pills...by that I mean that the majority of my stretch marks are from the PILL, and not my kiddos. Not to mention I was on the pill when I had my first officially diagnosed bout with depression, and miracle of all miracles, when I quit the pill, I quit that episode of depression too. Despite having tried 3 different pills while on that method of birth control. And not to mention that I'd JUST asked her for a referal to a urologist so that Chuck could get fixed. Soooo....No.

Okaaaaayy, she gets that. What about if she rx'd an appetite suppressant for those weeks out of the month that I was struggling?

Oooooh.......whoah.

She's only been my doc for 6 years, and 4 of those years from the middle, I didn't even see her, since I was on the OB/GYN track then. I've seen her, like, maybe 4x, ever? She doesn't really know.....

I told her my secret.

"Uhm, I don't really think that is a good idea."

"Oh?" Unspoken - what am I missing?

"I'm a recovering bulimic. I've been abstinent from the binge-purge cycle for 9 years now, but really only mentally healthy in the past 3 years. I know I'm overweight, but I'm at peace with food for the first time in my life, and I am afraid that a diet pill would wreck that, ya know?"

She nodded, and asked me more about my illness. I told her that at first, I had been very restrictive by day, and I kept that up, but eventually I began bingeing...then purging at night.  That in the beginning I only purged via ritualistic, excessive exercise, and finally hit the bottom with actual vomiting.  I lived in this hellish cycle for just over 2 years.

So, no, a diet pill just won't do. Really, I just need to up my exercise, b/c the food relationship is good, with maybe only portion sizes being revisited. But balanced meals, variety, etc. is all good.

It's a weird place to be at. Having your doctor recommend diet pills. I don't quite know how I feel about it. On the one hand, she's being very sensitive and accommodating, trying to help me with an issue she knows is touchy. On the other hand, I'm not that overweight, ya know? I wear between a 12 and a 14, and yeah, I got some cushion for the pushin', but I'm not morbidly obese or anything.

Now, the task for superwoman, that's me these days, is to find the time to add exercise to the rigeur of school, marriage, motherhood, work, etc that is my life.

Monday, February 5, 2007

Life's toughies....

The other day I was catching up with all the folks on my blogroll.

I read/watched this over at Larry James' Urban Daily - and it caught my breath. Here I've been all caught up in my own muddling of motherhood, and BAM! It made me stop and revisit some of my thought patterns of late. I mean, it doesn't make my angst any less real - I still worry that my kiddos are somehow being damaged because I don't fit the societal mold of just what Mommy should be, but warring against that worry, I have:

- a husband who, despite recent episodes of domestic amnesia, is a true partner in my life;
- a flexible job;
- bills that are paid;
- food in the pantry;
- a healthy family, and insurance for the times we aren't so sure of that;
- an extensive support network, comprised of family, friends, and other very helpful people who love me and my family

The list could go on and on and on....and it just makes me realize how blessed I am. And just how overwhelming it would be to muddle motherhood with just one of those things missing off my list, let alone several....

*********
However, back to muddling motherhood....

Since I went to work FT, LMNOB has been picked up by Sweet Woman from church M/W/F, and attending the afterschool program (OASIS) on T/Th, where Charlie Brown picks her up. M/F LMNOB comes to our home with Sweet Woman and spend time together until I come home with Punkinhead. Wednesdays, they go to her house afterschool.

So Friday, I get home and Sweet Woman's car is not there. I call sweet woman, and she answers all normal.

"uhm, you don't have her with you do you?"

Sweet Woman gasps and says that her husband had been home sick all day and she lost sight of what she needed to do today. She's sorry. She then questions why the school hadn't called me.

Yeah, why didn't they call me???? Hmmmm.....Wait a minute - you're shirking the responsibility!!! Also known as: MY Child.

But it's almost closing time for OASIS, so I quickly shut her up and say, "It's ok - she's probably at Oasis - I need to go get her."

I'll deal with you later!

Load Punkinhead up - call Charlie Brown and let him in on the latest, run into OASIS, where it is now right at closing time - the dude teacher points into the adjacent room, LMNOB's classroom, and says, "She's in with Ms. S."

I rush in there, where LMNOB is watering flowers with her normally long-gone-by-now teacher. LMNOB's been crying.

"Baby, what's the matter, honey? Are you ok?"

Ms. S shakes her head, in her knowing, sympathetic way. (Ms. S is the bestest first teacher a mommy could ask for. I LOVE this woman, as does my daughter - well, actually I think LMNOB might borderline worship her, but ya know...)

Tears well up in my eyes...

Sorry God, but I let the Goddamnit out of the bag, albeit under my breath. Besides, I want You to condemn/damn, the suckiness of this situation, isn't that an okay thing to ask for? It's more of a prayer than a curse word, you see: God, damn Sweet Woman's oversight! God, damn, the school's inaction by not calling me when clearly something was wrong and abnormal! Damn it all and let it never happen again!

"Mommy I cried the whole time. I didn't know where Sweet Woman was."

Choking the frustration back, that, here again, my daughter's sense of security has been dreadfully broken FOR 2 1/2 HOURS, I told her I knew, and I was sorry it was so scary - but Sweet Woman made a mistake b/c her husband was sick and she got her days mixed up. Ms. S looked at me, and hugged me, saying, "Oh, that SO doesn't matter, she was responsible for YOUR child. I'd be so upset if I were you." That helped, some....This time, I hadn't destroyed LMNOB, but the mother-guilt set in nonetheless, because, you see, if I didn't want/have to work FT, well then, this never would have happened now would it? @#$%.

That was Friday. I have not really said much to Sweet Woman. I mean, what would it benefit? I'm certain she felt terrible. But still...........Do you have any IDEA how I felt?!?! Moreover, how devastated, how lowly-because-she-was-forgotten-and-she-internalizes-EVERYTHING-just-like-me that LMNOB felt?!?!? My baby CRIED FOR 2 AND A HALF HOURS!!!

Still working my 12 steps on that one.

*****Then, there's Tuesday. LMNOB had a unit-end parent night, where the kids show their parents what they've learned on the latest unit. This last unit was on the renaissance. It began at 6. Charlie Brown normally picks LMNOB up btwn 5:30 and 6 on Tuesdays, but had to work a bit later than normal. I get Punkinhead, and fly to the school, and get there just as OASIS turns to parent night.

LMNOB had it in her head that I was going to bring her a dress to change into (from her "boring" uniform). Let's just say that I had no idea of her idea, and had FAILED to read her mind. Get that - FAILED. MISERABLY, as she then fell into a holy fit of rage. We have had those often around here, hmm, because I work FT out of the home? Oh, that, that is just my nagging doubt. Don't mind it, however tiresome and redundant that it is.

Oh, but wait, this time we have an AUDIENCE savoring every single moment of this wonder. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this nearly 6 year-old has completely lost her wits and is giving every toddler in America a run for their money with this show of anger. Step right up and enjoy the show! What's that you ask? The lucky parent? Why take a look at the blushing mother over there whose face now matches her crimson hair.

I want a corner to crawl into. But, since noise has now become an issue, I take LMNOB into the bathroom, and explain to her that I am sorry she has no dress, that had she said something this morning and I would have gladly stuffed one into her backpack, that she could CHOOSE to stop crying and go do her dance with the class, or we could CHOOSE to go home and seek out the dress only to miss EVERYTHING b/c we had...no...time! A grandmother preparing her older child for parent night festivities tries to validate me with her. She would have none of it.

Eventually she calms down - and the 20 minute gig in her classroom is over. She's still shuddering with her post-tantrum shakes and sighs.

People are loitering in the classroom. Charlie Brown is embarrassed. Yeah, well, at least it's NOT. YOUR. FAULT. I tell him in a glare. Ms. S gracefully tells LMNOB that she is welcome to do the dance with this other little girl, b/c she got here late. Several other kids join in. And as the music begins, LMNOB breaks down AGAIN. All the kids are staring at her like, "Dude, what's your problem?!?" Punkinhead decides to crash the party and now I'm chasing him off their "dancefloor." Will the earth please swallow me up. NOW???

Ms. S has been great. She was very gracious and helpful when LMNOB had her accidents at school. She's firm but very soft and loving when LMNOB has been less than willing to leave me in the mornings. And now this - she saw my daughter totally lose her shit (sorry for those with virgin eyes, that's just the only way I can describe it - tantrum does NOT do it justice), and at the end of it all, I just looked at her and said, "Loser mommy strikes again," with a wry sigh and smile.

I know I'm not a loser mommy. But I am damned if I do and damned if I don't by my kids - and this was just my attempt to deal with it: sarcastic humor.

Ms. S rightfully got on my case as we laughed about it together. "You are NOT a loser mommy!"

I stand by my earlier sentiment: this mom gig is all sorts of guilts and giggles. And that's with all of the things I HAVE. I cannot imagine doing it without one, some, or all of the blessings I listed above....and yet many do, and many have.

I appreciate my own mother's efforts more in this light. And think I'd like to reduce the guilts and increase the giggles of her mothering stint - afterall just cuz I am grown doesn't mean the show's over for her.

Friday, February 2, 2007

Homework: Q&A

This is the kind of stuff I've been reading/writing about for school. The following is my post from this week's discussion group:

Initial thoughts about the following questions:

What are the key differences, do you think, among key belief sets important in US politics today? (Liberal and conservative are two major belief sets, but we could also talk about "libertarianism," etc., or about different variants of liberal and conservative.)

I'm going to stick with liberal versus conservative views here:

Liberal:
-favors individual liberties, and opposes any restrictions upon them (according to Wikipedia - I find this highly interesting and will point out why later)
- believes in equal opportunity and planned economics, which can include a welfare state
- has been a faction in both Democratic and Republican party politics, though is primarily equated with current Democratic politics

Conservative:
-also favors individual liberties, opposing any restrictions upon them, regardless of benevolent purposes
- believes in free enterprise, without government intervention
- has traditionalist/patriotic views on society matters- also has been a faction in both parties, but is currently related as a Republican trait

The thing I thought was highly interesting was this matter of individual liberties and restrictions. In the liberal camp, there is a desire not only for equal liberty, but for equal opportunity, and the government is seen as an ally to providing what is best for the public (equal opportunity) via public regulation, subsidy, and social welfare programs.

Conversely, the conservative camp fears government restricting individual rights, and thus prefers smaller government and more autonomous rule. The thing I find most ironic here is that this is true across the board for conservatives with regard to public economic issues, like welfare programs, and yet the conservative agenda to attempt to ban gay marriage or restrict abortion laws, by way of federal legislation, seeks to do just what conservatives protest and fear: take a person's liberties away via government.

In the end, both sides want the same thing: to afford the public the greatest amount of liberty and yet remain a civil society. However, ideas on the means in which this is to be achieved differ vastly.

In what ways do these beliefs shape competing policy preferences?

The very fact that the two camps are so polarized from each other shape competing policy preferences. Take the gay marriage issue: Liberal camp says, "It is their constitutional right to marry whomever they wish to." Conservative camp says, "It's never been this way before - you're rewriting the Constitution." Not to mention all of the spin lobbyists are putting on it with respect to "special rights" instead of equal rights, a moral issue instead of a civil issue, etc, etc.

Also, what are the areas of common ground?

Again, I think that the intentions of both parties are to protect the civil liberties of the public at large. Fiscally, regarding nat'l debt, "true" conservatives would agree with the liberal concern over the national deficit.

And how should parties deal with the tensions between moderates and true-believers within their ranks?

A very good point was made on the wikipedia site that liberalism and conservatism, in the American senses, on a political continuum, are both very centrist ideals, when compared to extreme socialism or fascism, respectively. I think that if we as a nation focus on the things we have in common versus the things we don't, then whether we are red, blue, or purple doesn't really matter. Every citizen, regardless of ideology, be they lay person, government administrator, or elected official, comprises the American public. And if we reframe the word public to include all of us, as it should be, then this whole field of public service is really about serving each other - differences and similarities altogether.

***
I got the online equivalent of a standing ovation from my group members on my last blurb - which is cool. I really REALLY believe in that principle, in politics, relationships, and in my faith.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

I did everything right...so why does it feel so wrong?

This morning was a tough morning.  Whaaaaaaaah!!!

 

It started out alright enough.  I got out of bed earlier than I have been, so as to put an end to the tardy streak at LMNOB’s school.  Yesterday, LMNOB had wanted cream of wheat for breakfast, and there had been no time for that.  Having promised her yesterday that she could have cream of wheat today, I obligingly drug my sorry butt out of bed and proceeded to make the lumpy, pasty goo that most normal kids detest.

 

LMNOB woke on her own and was fairly cheerful.  She dressed herself and came down for her bowl of goo, all maple-y and brown sugary as she likes it.  But, she did not rapidly consume the goo – as the television was on and she was engrossing herself with the news channel’s coverage of a Denver water main having broken.  Normally, the tv isn’t on while getting kids readied in the morning, b/c of the high probability of lateness caused by distraction.  But I thought if it were on adult tv and not cartoons, it wouldn’t be interesting to them. 

 

WRONG answer.

 

So the tv gets turned off – I tell LMNOB that she needs to eat while I get Myself ready for work.  (I’m still in pj’s and in bedheaded largesse)  Charlie Brown is about out the door when…..

 

Punkinhead awakes, from a slumber that was delayed as long as was humanly possible last night, in his insistence to stay up – despite our “Go to bed!” responses.  He’s not even down the stairs when he says, “I’m hungry – I want a cookie.”  Said cookie was the reason why he fought bed-time last night.  He hadn’t eaten his dinner well so he lost the battle, despite all stops being pulled, and didn’t get one last night – and he thought he would get one for breakfast? 

 

Uhhhhm, hello, son, it’s me, Mom – remember, the hard ass???  Remember, we’ve met me before??  Laughing my evil motherly laugh: No cookies for breakfast!

 

Enter a holy fit of rage, lacking only bolts of thunder with which to smite me down.  

 

Sorry, no, that just isn’t going to work.  I hate being that mom, who compensates lack of quality time with her kiddos by plying them with overindulgences….and most of the time, I flat refuse to be her, much to the chagrin of my children.  Most of the time, meaning sometimes I cave, is also to my chagrin, because my inconsistency is the cause of episodes like this – but what’s a girl to do??

 

The battle of the wills is on.  Charlie Brown apologetically reminds me that he, uh, has to go now?

 

Punkinhead continues to wail and throw himself around.  I throw my hands up in despair, noting almost 20 minutes to, makeup, dress, fix my and LMNOB’s hair get Punkinhead dressed, and us all out the door. 

 

Go upstairs, dress hurriedly, attempt fixing hair (which finally got cut yesterday), and conclude that my new cut is a virtual mullet – makes my head look even more square than it is, and that there is no hope for today.  No time for makeup – operation car application is necessitated for today.  Quickly pull LMNOB’s hair back, and for the, seriously, 10th time, told her to Go. Get. Her. Shoes. On.  NOW!!!  Instead of obedience, I get lip. 

 

GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRoooooowl!! 

 

Dress Punkinhead. 

 

Get ready to dash out the door, when LMNOB says, “You were gonna give me cookies to have with my hot lunch!” 

 

“I put them in a baggie and they were on the kitchen table.”

 

“I gave those to Daddy – I thought they were for him.”

 

Ok, well, I’ll just get more.  Except that the large bag full of the cookies was now missing. 

 

I then break the news to LMNOB that Daddy must have somehow made off with both the big and the little baggie of cookies….twinkie??

 

Ah, that was a big fat NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

Then she throws a raging holy fit.  All the way down the alley to the daycare lady’s house.  Punkinhead has since quit his fit and all-too-gleefully pointed out that he was now the good child.  That doesn’t quite cut the mustard with me.  LMNOB is still shrieking.  Even in the house of calm that is my son’s daycare.  I’m embarrassed, and altogether frustrated that despite having done all the right things to correct the wrongs of this week, things are STILL turning out rotten.

 

She calms a bit.  We get to the school, 5 minutes early I might add – yay, Mean Mommy!!  She did it.  Too bad she’s a ginormous witch.

 

Hugs, kisses, goodbyes.  And then LMNOB does her freakout that results in the teacher having to physically restrain her while I run out of the room – horrified, ducking from the potshots of my own self-loathing. 

 

Oh, yeah, this Mom gig is all sorts of guilts and giggles.