Thursday, May 31, 2007

According to my Dr....

My blackouts last weekend were flukey.

I thought perhaps that extreme sinus pressure + altitudinous travel could = a pseudo-aneurysm.

But...Dr. A thinks not.

Her checklist of questions, after I explained pretty much what I said on here:
  • Have you had migraines before? Yes
  • Was the headache similar? Not at all - very fleeting pain and nowhere near crippling
  • Did you do the Valsalva maneuver? Yes - it didn't change anything
  • Was the blackness in one eye or both? Both - it was creepy
  • What had you eaten immediately preceding the blackouts? Nothing - it was at first rising in the morning
  • How's the sinus pressure now? Well, just allergies and postnasal drip, but not stuffy and miserable like I was

To which she said, "Well, it's not migraines, and the lack of reaction to the Valsalva maneuver tells me it wasn't a BP issue - especially when it happened again while you were standing up... The blackness in both eyes tells me it wasn't a stroke or anything neuro. Most likely it was a result of low blood sugar at waking combined with being so sick."

Then she says, "If it happens at all in the next two months, you need to come in."

Ok, doc, will do.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Back from the Dead

So, on Friday, I got into the office, had said few more words than, "Good morning," when the Boss said, "Go home - you're sick!" I knew that I was sick, but I'd been out on Wednesday, and there was work to do - was she sure?? Yes, she was. Home I went and into bed, with the alarm set so that I wouldn't miss getting LMNOB to her OT appt that afternoon.

Without a lot of any forewarning, Charlie Brown decided he wanted to help his father put in a sprinkler system in the backyard for Memorial Weekend, since it was 20 years overdue. So, a venture to the hometown was born.

In a haze of sinus pressure, I sent my mom an e-mail saying we'd be there and for her to call me if she wanted to get in touch. I had no idea of her plans, and really didn't know how I was going to fare with this crappy cold. (Sidenote: LMNOB has picked up my habitual usage of crappy as an adjective. Must. Stop.. NOW!) Besides, new classes were starting on Tuesday and I needed to get started on the reading.

Go to OT. BT the OT kind of round-about-ly says she wishes I'd have canceled, in that I-know-it's-important-to-you-but-how-good-is-it-if-I-get-sick? kind of way. I kept myself covered and across the room from them as much as possible, while LMNOB picked out the heaviest medicine ball (a sign of being "truly sensory" as BT the OT put it) for BT the OT to roll over and around LMNOB's body and joints, respectively. LMNOB loved this. And truth be told, I think I would have too, as much as I like deep tissue massage, I think that would have been totally up my alley.

Go home, pack. Hack a lung up - gag as a result (I have never been able to gracefully hock a loogie - I mean seriously, like anyone can do that with grace - errr...I've never been able to hock a loogie with ease, all nonchalant and its-a-fact-of-life-we-all-have-snot like) - and whoah, nelly, up comes the chuck. Yum.

Hit the road, Jack.

Had the weirdest phenomenon occur, in that every time I closed my eyes, I saw the screen from Bejeweled 2. Yeah, I'd put some serious time in on that game the past two weeks - I am sufficiently and successfully weaned now. Anyway, the Bejeweled backdrop of my eyelids was counterproductive in my aim to sleep it off. That and the fact that as we crested hills and plunged into valleys, my ears would not equalize the pressures. I think it was related to the fact that every cavity in my head was plum full of mucous.

Checked in with the IL's. Hit the sack, never to wake again all weekend. Save for the 6am trip to the potty that left me gripping the toilet seat with panic as the room was painted black. I used to faint all the time as a teen when I had way-low blood pressure...this was different. A blackout, without the loss of consciousness, the threat of which was this strange wave-like roaring in my ears. Tried to do the Valsalva manuever to bring my BP up and that did nothing but pop my ears beyond the point of comfort. Sit. Eventually the scenery of the bathroom comes back before me.

Ok, wipe, wash hands, walk into the kitchen, and WOW! There goes the room again! It felt like the room was spinning and as I grabbed a chair to stabilize myself, I opened and shut my eyes several times to try and make the room appear again - each time as I opened my eyes, it was as solid black as if I'd had my eyes clenched shut. Oh, Holy Hell, I thought, as I felt pain beginning to spill into my temples, I am going to die of an aneurysm, in Craig of all places, at the ripe age of 28. This was scary. More scary was the length of this episode; I probably stood at the chair for 5 or more minutes waiting for my sight and strength to be restored.

Tick...tock...tick...tock. The daylight broke through the darkness before my eyes, and I cautiously returned to bed...where I stayed most of the weekend.

Charlie Brown checked the e-mail over the weekend to make sure that we didn't overlook my mom - but we never heard from her. This was ok, as I was such a big ball of snotty-goodness. Thankfully, it was a low-key weekend and I got plenty of rest and recuperation.

Yesterday as we came home, I was feeling much better - sinuses completely dried out and clear.

Today I resumed work in the office, and my nasalness is back - it's got to be allergen related. I saw that my mom had e-mailed yesterday, saying that she hadn't gotten the Friday message and that she was bummed. ::sigh:: Me too...but again, that health factor was severely lacking, and the visit wouldn't have been much fun.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

I want a typo like this in my mortgage papers

Remember that "$3,000" scholarship I received??

In confirming everything - whoops! Turns out, "$3,000" was a typo.

It's more like "$650."

How one is supposed to have gotten $650 from $3,000 is beyond me - I mean if it was like $300 and $3,000 then ok, that's a typo! I'd get that...but these don't even have the same numbers!!!

Ok, vent over.

In the end, $650 of gift money is still better than $0 of gift money - and that is not too shabby

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Lather Linse RINSE and Repeat

She forgot again.

This time I am home - sick, and she calls, all, "I forgot LMNOB. The school never called you?"

Nope...they apparently don't memorize all 400 students' variable schedules, so they can call when there's been a deviation.

I need some grace, need some grace....because
  1. For the love of Pete, does no one realize how important the comfort that LMNOB's schedule is to her?!?
  2. Two words: Mama Bear

*sigh* the end of the school year is almost here...

When golden behavior is revealed as only gold-plated...

Last night, Charlie Brown and I marveled at how well LMNOB was behaving.

After school he'd taken her to Home Depot, as there is a massive yard work project looming ahead, and she was "golden."

She ate phenomenally well.

Just as we were noticing how great her evening was going, we decided to go 'round the table with bests and worsts of the day.

LMNOB's best = "There was NONE good things...." Then, before we could question the dissonance between her sunny disposition and a horrible day, she blurted, "Mama-I-got-curbed-because-I-hit-C-in-the-stomach-but-I-didn't-mean-to-not-that-hard-at-least-because-we-were-play-fighting-and-it-was-a-game!"

This was certainly a first. Getting "curbed" means that at recess the child must sit on the curb of the sidewalk, all time out and everything, but not quite as detached as "detention" because all the while, s/he gets to see what s/he missed out on with his/her poor choice as their classmates play gleefully around him/her. I've seen it on the days that I am at the school - and it seems to be pretty effective.

I was torn between three equally strong and valid emotions:
  1. You did WHAT?!?! Hitting is NEVER ok!;
  2. Oh you poor thing, let me assuage your people-pleaser guilt, and;
  3. Oh no. LMNOB's sensory issues have now landed on the playground, Houston.

And while the number 2 option grew stronger as LMNOB continued, "And later all the kids eating hot lunch, except L, called me 'Baby-Bully LMNOB' and it really hurt my feelings, Mama!" I mentally countered with, Well, wouldn't you feel like saying something if someone beat on you?

ME: "So....let's talk about this, ok? You were playing a game with M and C and all the other BOYS that involved play fighting, right?"

LMNOB: nods.

ME: "And you hit C in the stomach? Really hard?"

LMNOB, teary-eyed: "Yes, but Ididn'tmeantoo!"

ME: "It's ok - I get that, but let's look at it this way...if someone runs a red light, on accident, but it hurts someone else, the person who runs the redlight is responsible for making it better - paying for the doctor, damage to the car, etc - understand?"

LMNOB: nods.

ME: "So here you are, and C has a hurt stomach, and even though you didn't mean to, you are the one who made it hurt - and C's feelings are hurt because you are his friend and friends don't hurt each other - but you did, and so he's confused. Ms. S did the right thing by curbing you, because it gave you time to think about what you did, and it also made C feel like his feelings are important too...Now as for the name calling, it's just what people think, because they don't know that it was an accident. Give it a little bit of time, and it will be all better - ok? You're just kids and you all make mistakes - one little thing like this does not mean someone will be known as "the bully" until you graduate highschool -ok?"

LMNOB: "Ok Mama."

ME: "Another thing and then we'll drop it - I'm really glad that you told me about this."

Then, like I said, I dropped it. Odd that her backpack didn't have a note from Ms. S about this.

Or so I thought...

This morning, as I dropped LMNOB off to school, Ms. S made a point to ask me if I'd gotten the note.

Smile...and a slight squeeze to LMNOB's shoulder, "Well, she told us about it at dinner, but funny thing - the note didn't make its way to us...hmmm. LMNOB - do you have any idea where it might be?"

LMNOB mumbles no.

She is so busted!

Turns out, she was curbed for 2 recesses, and after LMNOB sat down, Ms. S told me that she'd been as shocked as I'd been, since it was definitely a first. She then discretely mouthed, "She hit him REALLY hard, too." She thought that with "all that we had going on" (i.e. SID) I would want to know. Uhh, yeah, that's a slight understatement.

Ater dropping her off, I came home to LMNOB's room to look at a stack of papers. Right on top were papers, very obviously from yesterday - worksheets, a note from the cafeteria saying we needed a new lunch ticket, but curiously, no note from Ms. S. Hmmmmmmmmmm....

We are going to have a talk tonight about lies of ommission versus telling the "whole" truth.

Monday, May 21, 2007

"She is SUCH a sensory kid..."

BT the OT said this of LMNOB at the end of our second session (Which was on May 4th - I'm really good at keeping things current, no?) when I handed her LMNOB's jacket.

It was plum full of rocks in both pockets - an utterly independent and altogether ingenious move on the part of LMNOB to self medicate her less than full-throttle proprioceptive sensations. Her way of securing weight to her body so that she would be more aware of its position in her environment. WAY more cool factor than a weighted vest, too. And, uhm, FREE.

This statement of BT the OT, made after she'd had time to review the paperwork mounds I'd created for LMNOB, made it much more real for me than the entire first visit had- which left me feeling like I was hanging on an "Is she... or isn't she...." cliff.

This means...

My child has special needs.

There...I said it.

Really, it's not like being told your child has cerebral palsy, Down's Syndrome, or some other such developmental issue where the special needs are outwardly visible, grounds for being stuck in a permanent box by people close to you, strangers, and everyone in between. It's also different from her teacher calling me in to discuss her growing suspicion of a learning disability. LMNOB's sensory issues are much more subtle than that to the untrained eye (Also: in the absence of a superfit, which is not subtle at all). In this, I find some consolation; relief that all extrinsic appearances point to normalcy - whatever the heck that means anyway.

But, it also means that I have some burdens before me - those of balancing stimulation with desensitization in their respective areas, adapting/abolishing certain family practices, and convincing her network of teachers, care providers, pediatrician (oh, crap, that reminds me - I never have followed up with him!), and anyone else that is influential in her life that her special needs are real, and they need to be accommodating as much as I do for a well-rounded, happy and healthy LMNOB.
If we just ignore it because we can't see it, then we will have what has been the destructive pattern for her entire existence:
  • compensate as much as she can in her environs (which is a lot - super smartie that she is)
  • but carry many sensory frustrations in a day, and;
  • when we all get home, the floodgates of sensory hell buckle, mercilessly
  • I can't deal
  • Charlie Brown can't deal
  • WAY too much yelling is had, and;
  • LMNOB ends up thinking: my parents, who are supposed to love me unconditionally (and DO!), can't stand to be with me, and why oh why do I ALWAYS screw it up - what is wrong with ME?
I can't let that last one happen on my watch - ya know? Especially because that kind of thinking can open up anxiety, depression, and the noxious can of all those other [quality of] life-threatening behavioral-emotional worms. Better to keep the lid on those wrigglers by knowing that yes, she is "different" (aren't we all?), but here's how to cope with those differences, and life goes on all happy and rosey-posey. FUNctional too. Fun for her, functional for me.
In the meantime, our 3rd session with BT the OT was had last Friday. It would have been the 4th, but we had a scheduling miscommunication last Friday, which ended up conflicting with my getaway with Charlie Brown, so it was canceled.
LMNOB sat on an exercise/therapy ball while BT the OT manipulated it such that LMNOB had to work REALLY hard to keep her balance. Next she swung in the "bucket swing," the prospect of which had an effect on LMNOB's countenance comparable to that of a junkie learning the next hit was mere moments away- like just knowing actually made her high. She loves that thing.
Her reaction was another thing that BT the OT commented on. She spoke of how she'd just gotten done with an eval for a kiddo whose pediatrician had already stuffed him in the SID box, and after BT the OT had spent some time with the kiddo, she was like, "Eh, not so much. Sorry." With LMNOB, she said, it's pretty clear to her. All I know, is she's got a pretty damn good read on skeptical ole me: This lady needs lots of reinforcement and affirmations. Or maybe, it just comes with the territory of the whole appearance of normalcy thing?
At home, some of the things we're doing lots of:
  • bear hugs
  • wheelbarrow walking
  • mini-trampoline time
  • crab walking
  • scalp massage/pressure before grooming
  • thick pudding/shakes to be sucked thru a straw (for the oral stimulation she needs)
  • picture scheduling
  • reminders before transitions
  • hanging from bars - like pull-ups (hahaha - someday)
  • push-ups (both wall and on the ground)
  • resistance work with a therapy/exercise band
  • thera-putty (think stiff like modeling clay)
  • our version of a weighted lap pad for sitting at school/dinner (our version is a pillow case filled with rice that is bound shut - MUCH cheaper and works with heat/cold too)
  • telling LMNOB to use the potty versus asking if she has to go
Mornings are hardest. The transitions are so many (bed-dress-breakfast-grooming-activities-out the door for school) and in such limited time (no one is a morning person at Casa del Meyer) that it's tough - but doable. I usually feel like I've been thru boot camp, as the drill sargeant, by the time I get to work - but at least in the past 4 weeks, we haven't had the horribly crazy separation sagas that were manifest most of the year.

The superfits...well, we haven't had one for 3-4 weeks, which means we are due a big one any day. We've had lots of fits that are frequent and still quite intense, but do not have the prolonged duration that we were experiencing before. I'll take progress where I can get it, eh?

Add to all of this that Punkinhead has had a freakish growth spurt in the past 4 weeks (Mom - the pants you bought him for Easter - BARELY fit now!!!) and he's achey and whiney and having horrible, rotten, no good days because of it, and life has been full lately.

Very, very full.

Thank God for His comfort and peace through it all. Who knows where I'd be without it.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Since when do starving people refuse food?

I'm just curious, because this morning LMNOB said she was utterly and completely hungry - enough so to use the S word.

Save the drama for your mama, girlie, you ain't starvin'. Oh wait, I am the mama? Right, well lay the whack job hystrionics on me then.

I did a verbal inventory for her - "Well, we have grains galore; waffles, mini-pancakes, cereal, or toast. We also have yogurt."

And then the most curious statement escaped my starving daughter's mouth: "I don't want any of that."

I told her how fabulous I thought it was that here she was starving and yet she still felt as if she had the ability to magically make her preferred food of the day arrive. Also how a dramatic fit somehow translated that she would get a donut at the Safeway by her school. Mmmm - no!

Then, "What you don't seem to understand m'dear, is that you are the child and I am the parent. We have all this great food here and if you choose not to eat one of the aforementioned options, ultimately you are choosing to go hungry. You have 10 minutes."

She still didn't make a choice, so I poured her a bowl of cereal, set it on the table and went back upstairs to get Punkinhead dressed. Came down, as it was time to leave, and the stubborn little grunt was sitting on the couch, with nary a bite having been taken from her cereal.

"All right, it's time for school. Let's go."

"But Mommy, I'm S.T.A.R.V.I.N.G!"

"And whose fault is that?"

What she doesn't know is that it is extremely difficult to be all cavalier and following-through on this particular topic. Or maybe she does and was hoping all along that I would cave?

Ms. S would get it when I told her about it. LMNOB's lunch is obscenely early (10:30 - b/c it is a K-8 school and well, they only have so much room to feed the kids in and a bunch to get fed), and she'd be fine.

Except...I remembered as we pulled up, there was a sub today. So as we got to the classroom, I pulled the older-looking-so-hopefully-she-was-raised-this-way sub aside and told her, "LMNOB may complain of being hungry. She refused to eat anything we had at home this morning, and I refused to let her win by buying her breakfast."

She peered over her glasses at me, all concern and care, for her, and says, "Well, we'll just have to do then." LMNOB looked at me with sullen eyes that said, "I can not believe you. You are a mean mommy."

I then tilted my head with a smile and eyes that replied, "Yep, and I'd be an even meaner mother if I let you get away with crap like that for the rest of your life. Love you!"

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Cel-A-bration Time C'mon!

So.........I wrote a ton of scholarship essays this spring.

The big'uns, from my school and the Government Finance Officers Association, responded with something to the tune of,

Dear Ms. Meyer:
You're great.
But not that great.
Sorry, better luck next time.
Signed,
The Rejectors

Which was ok. I mean, it's not like I had something and their rejection took it away from me. Nah, I came out of it with as much as I had going into it: Absolutely Nothing! (save for a buttload of student loans)

I still hadn't heard back from one source - but didn't really plan on hearing from them. It's a memorial fund and two of the benefactors attend my church, so any students from my church and some in the Denver area are eligible to apply. In filling out the application, it was very catered to a high-schooler who was going away to university for the first time - high school GPA, activities, and the like. I communicated with them and got the A-ok to proceed and make my case clearly. But I didn't feel like I'd done it very well - it didn't feel "official" enough.

Tonight I opened the mail, and saw a letter from the committee. I braced myself for another, "You didn't really fit our mold, but everyone who applied was a winner in their own right," kind of let down. Opened the letter, unfolded the trifold, and saw: "Congratulations!" straight away. Read further, and the amount (I'd forgotten) is for $3,000!

Between this scholarship and next year's tuition reimbursement from work, I will have virtually no loan debt for Fall07-Spring08, and that is a tremendous blessing.

So...did I ever tell you that I am a giant nerd?

B/c I am.

Case in point.....

Class has been done for me for just over 2 weeks.

In 2 more weeks I will begin my summer classes.

Which means, "Wheeeeeeeeeeeee, playtime," right?

Nah...it means, I want my hectic pace back and I want it now.

The Boss puts it ever so kindly when she says, "You just seek a lot of intellectual stimulation."

What she means is, "Get over the fact that everyone is stupid compared to you...NERD!"

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Hodge Podgery

*****
So...today, I was in a bathroom stall seriously glad for the fact that I am not a conspiracy theorist who is constantly fearful that big brother is watching. Reason being? I spent nearly 5 MINUTES wrestling with the damn cellophane wrapper on an OB tampon, and couldn't for the life of me get it to open. So you can understand the gratitude that I silently felt when I realized that I could be under the delusion that everything I do is seen and heard and that this would be grounds for serious mental anguish were I to actually be in the paranoid schizophrenic camp. It's the small things sometimes, I tell ya.

******
Then...at LMNOB's school, two things of note:
First, Ms. S marveled at how well LMNOB is doing recently. Particularly in regards to separating from me in the mornings. I KNOW!!! She basically has been kicking me to the curb every morning, instead of having to be pried off of me with the jaws of life. A miraculous improvement, among others.

Second, M tells LMNOB loudly, "You're the smartest girl I ever met!" and it's all because she made the distinction that "next recess" was actually going to be tomorrow as they were planning just how they were going to play together next. All the other girls are so obviously NOT detail oriented, and you most certainly ARE, LMNOB - to the point of obsession. I dunno...it just cracked me up, the level of awe that was genuinely in his voice. LMNOB, you might consider this in your future with M - men who are in touch with their feelings are great.

********
How many ADHD kids to change a light bulb? Hey, where's my bike?
(thanks Ms. S)

The Blame Game

Good night...does no one take responsibility for themselves anymore?

I'm really disappointed.

So - I offer this cathartic letter, filled with things I would never actually say to the people who really could stand to hear them...for random people who care to read about my work, and who are probably not at all my intended audience:


If you are the director of a non-profit agency and you were to write a grant...and;

If you knew in advance what the scoring criteria for said grant was...and;

If you knew that the pool of applicants and their requests MORE THAN DOUBLED the funds available to award... (Why yes, I do design and write that newsletter - pretty huh?)

Then chances are, you've considered the possibility of receiving a.) far less than your requested amount, or b.) not receiving funds at all. Particularly if you do not clearly impress the scoring Commissioners that your agency is a top performer in a heavily weighted score criterion, and fall into the bottom 25% scores .

Which, going back to point number two, you had plenty of time and knowledge to strategically craft and market your request such that it fit the goals of said grant program.

There is, however, more probability in our area that you had your head completely buried in the sand. In which case, you probably got it abruptly pulled out this week. Sorry 'bout that.

It is also highly likely that, despite having been given a score report with high score, low score, median and average scores, YOUR total score, as well as your average score in each category so that you could see just where you fell, you who had your heads buried would write letters, crossing the line between advocating your cause to just plain whining, filled with nonsensical rhetoric - "The City obviously doesn't support x-type of programs....our funding (which is only promised/allocated at a fixed amount one year at a time and varies from year to year) was cut..." etc. instead of taking the feedback as it was meant to be: constructive criticism and help
towards a stronger application next year.

I'm sorry - the funding "cut" terminology doesn't work for me when the amount is not a given from year to year. If you had been promised $4,000 for 2006-2007, and halfway thru the year we said, "Nah, $3,000 ought to do you," then THAT would be a "cut."

I'm not completely blinded by tunnel vision - I know that you're hearing the same kind of bad news from other funding sources, and I hate that too. But...that is precisely why it is no longer ok to rely on the warm fuzzies that your agency's work creates as a means of raising funds. Mediocrity in agency development cannot continue, lest your organization go belly up in times such as these. My employer and I are trying to help you gauge just where you're coming up short. And I know that other funders do NOT provide this sort of feedback - so some recognition would be nice, instead of the "I'm so shocked, hurt and basically clueless" routine.

In the meantime...your tunnel vision re: your agency being the only one, the ease (or complete lack thereof) in making the funding decisions, and participation in the blame game certainly don't help your case. Please, kindly pull your head out. It may just save your livelihood and your cause. And prevent you from further sounding like an idiot whiner.

Seriously folks...I don't get it. I don't get how you couldn't have known the odds - when the Boss and I did everything in our power to CLEARLY let people know the facts before AND after.

Also...after having gotten some of these "How dare you..." letters, I wonder...are these organizations this audacious with other funders - or, because we are small potatoes and strive to be user-friendly, do they just think they can be this way with us?

Talk about kicking a gift-horse in the mouth - potential or realized.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Actual Dinner Conversations this Week

After the umpteenth snarky utterance of "Oh yeah, you're a baby!" by my darling son, I decided to open up a can of Disney's teachable moments whoopa$$.

"Kids, you listen up and listen good. Remember Bambi?"

Nods.

"Well, on Bambi, Thumper's Mama said, 'If you can't say anything nice - don't say anything at all.' That's the new rule - okay? If it's not nice then don't say it."

When I checked comprehension and/or whether they were really listening, LMNOB asked wide-eyed, "Now, Thumper was the rabbit, right?"

"Yes, but do you remember what his mama said?"

:shrugs: ... "Thumper was a boy, right?"

I couldn't help it.

Hilarious laughter, indicative of new heights in parental exasperation, ensued between myself and Charlie Brown. Between belly laughs, I managed to choke out, "But Daddy, what color was Thumper? And was he a jackrabbit or a cottontail?" to which I thought Charlie Brown was going to either shed actual tears over, lose control of his bladder, or both. :sigh:

******
Tonight, Punkinhead asks, "Mama, are you goin' somewheres?"

"No...why?"

:groans and whines: "I want you to go somewheres dough!"

Muwah! Love you too, son. Sure am glad the feeling is mutual.

Actually, I'm not that bitter - it was again, followed by laughter.

One day soon my kids are going to say something brilliant at the dinner table, and I, having been conditioned to laugh at what is bound to be nonsensical, will guffaw at the most inopportune time of their life, therein destroying their self-confidence for the rest of their lives.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Embracing Motherhood; A Tale of Reluctance and Incomprehension

Disclaimer: I started this earlier today, but Blogger ate it :poof!: This doesn't happen much, but when it does I always wonder if it is equivalent to a thunderbolt from above - particularly considering the subject matter.

As a child, I was always something of a feminist. Enthusiastic renditions of "Anything you boys can do I can do better," oft were found leaping from my lips.

I find it highly ironic today, that despite this bend in myself, I cling to a patriarchal faith and find my church family in a group of fundamentalists. But, ya know, that God, He is a God of Ironies - you know the whole "first shall be last..." and the like?

My play habits were that of a tomboy/nerd. When I wasn't out chasing snakes and bees (I once thought I could produce honey with a single bee in a jar with some clover blooms), I was reading.

I wasn't this girl who dreamed of her future husband and the big day. I really never saw myself getting married. I didn't see myself unmarried, I just didn't even look to see myself wedded. Besides, who needed a man? I never had one of worth in my life as a child on a consistent basis, so why would I think that I would live with one, day in and day out for the rest of my life anyway? It was a completely foreign concept.

Occasionally a doll would creep into my diet of playtime activities. I always played with them like they were babies - but not my babies. Because as much as marriage was vague territory, motherhood was just something I was altogether reluctant to touch, period. Even if it was eons in the future. Sure, as I grew into babysitting, I liked kids enough, when they were yours! Motherhood was a charged issue for me and I was simply not going to have anything to do with it.

Funny how God changes your mind on these things.

As much as I was reluctant to even consider taking on motherhood, as soon as the idea of my children's existence was even planted with that initial seed of my-period's-late-could-it-be? doubt, an indescribably anticipatory joy crept into my heart, and the tremendous emotion I felt for my babes left no room for reluctance.

It's incomprehensible how this mother I've come to be is sitting in the same skin that encased the old anti-mothering girl I once was. Somewhere along the way, I realized that most of my reluctance stemmed from me clinging to fear. Fear of losing myself, fear of becoming every other woman in my dysfunctional family, fear of not doing right by the future.

When God threw me a curve ball - that being LMNOB's conception, the fears were still there, but they were just passing fancies. Now I clung to doing what my child, later my children, needed me to do.

My kiddos are pretty special. Special needs, special talents, and special personalities. I try to be the special Mama they so need and deserve. Most of the time, I struggle to see how well I am doing with that, especially on a night when LMNOB says, "I just want you....don't go to your meeting tonight," and yet I have to go. Or when Punkinhead is pouty and calling everyone Stupid.

But, I love them with all my heart. And today I took inventory of the things I think they will appreciate later in life:

I stayed home with both my babies their first year of life
When I had to work, I scrutinized providers, seeking out quality child care
I have worked on my marriage when I felt like giving up
I notice them for who they are, and seek to develop their strengths
I also noticed differences and sought help
I play with my kiddos
And we laugh
Instead of yelling, sometimes I just raise an eyebrow and let them figure it out on their own
I volunteer at LMNOB's school
I take vacation days, not for grandiose outings, but for days with my kids where we just hang
I tell them I am glad they are mine...

I'm sure they will tell me more in the years to come, and their answers will surprise me. In the meantime, I'm just letting the Lord lead me through this mystery called motherhood.

Happy Mother's Day, ladies.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Just What the Dr. Ordered

Last night was delicious.

Realistically, anything would have probably done, as hungry as we were for time alone with each other.

But...on top of 18 blissful hours sans kids, I:

Saw my man in a suit and tie. And it was good. Verra good! Pic to come...he wouldn't let me snap one of him, but the photographer got a nice one of both of us. He showed it to me - and it is quite lovely with the state capital building right behind us.

Dressed myself up...both on the outside and in my
intimate wear that lurked beneath, which kept me feeling like quite the sexy little kitten all night, primed for the moment we would find ourselves, :batting eyelashes: all alone. :giggle: Here's the dress - no dice on ya'll getting to see me in the other new garb. I know, I'm not all fun and games. Damn!

Got to be in Denver...I LOVE me some good urban environs - don't know what it is, but I practically buzz off of the energy that abounds in the metropolitan cosmos(es? Because, really, Seattle, Denver, LA - any will do).

Drank, which in turn = relaxed. Champagne at the hotel (Doubletree's Romance Package is quite nice, and yet afordable, ya'll). Cranberry Vodka at the banquet.

Arrived early to the banquet, and much to our surprise, were told, "Heather Meyer, oh, you're at a reserved table," when we checked in. That made me feel special at first, though later, the "Mystery of Reserved Table #2" was only spoken to with shrugged shoulders. No matter.

Went and checked in with the staff person who'd requested I get my poster child head shot taken. Went and acted like a model for 15 minutes.

Got asked several times if I "was walking tomorrow?" (Graduation). Oh, no, I waved them off, this was my first semester! Marketing staff person that I had met at the orientation thought I was getting an award tonight - she'd seen my name on something recently. Not that I'm aware of. Well then, you are definitely on the "Up and Coming List," your name is known around here. Silently - Holy buckets, Batman!

Met my instructor, vis-a-vis, as well as her husband, who is my advisor. They are incredibly smart, very REAL people. And very sweet, in a sophisticated, fine European, dark chocolate way - as opposed to the bright, obnoxious, artificially flavored kind of way. I'm glad to have met them in a more concrete manner than phone and cyberspace have afforded thus far. As is Charlie Brown, because, they have a Subaru, and they hit it off smashingly. (In case I have neglected this detail of Charlie Brown's livelihood - he is the only Subaru SENIOR Master Tech in Larimer County - and one of a handful within the state - he's a car genius. And that's not just me sayin' - that is the regional tech assist reps call him on a consistent basis when they are stumped) My instructor and I chit-chatted about the class. I told her that I was particularly stricken by the number of what seemed to be high calibre students in the class, to which she smiled and said, "You'd be surprised. Of 40, there were 3-4 REALLY good students, yourself included, and many who seemed smart but really didn't show it. I scared 14 of them out of the class, too." She chuckled mirthfully at that. I smiled with my eyes raised. Hear that, red? You really are smart! Not that I really doubt myself, nor do I own the ego of the narcissist who constantly needs to stoke those fires of aggrandizement, but validation - particularly from a professional woman who's "been around" - is a sweet, sweet victory.

And...I think that hearing as much in this setting made my schooling more than, "that thing Heather does on the computer," to Charlie Brown. This made it real to him, and that is no small thing.

Back to the list of achievements:

Noticed Reserved Table #1 had some of the award winners sitting at it. Reserved Table #2 ended up having me and Charlie Brown, a PhD student who had also been instructed to sit at Reserved Table #2 and didn't know what for, and then a fairly obnoxious woman who was graduating with a PhD, her two sons, and two members of her dissertation committee. They were not told to sit at Reserved Table #2, and put us to the grill as to why we were so special anyway. The politician in me won out as I smiled and told her we didn't know, then silently I tacked on, "Maybe cuz they knew we had manners?" LOL.

Ate a yummy steak dinner in which I didn't prepare some or all of what I ate!

Listened to former U.S. Senator, Gary Hart, deliver a pseudo-commencement, inspirational speech.

Saw people who'd finished the programs at GSPA this year receive awards.

Left. And got lost with Charlie Brown. I could have probably found my way out if I were driving, but I let Charlie Brown try to get it figured out. When it became apparent that was not happening, I tried to use memory and common navigational sense - but it was too late. So we took a long route back to the hotel. It was all good though. The events to happen upon returning to the hotel were discussed; this kind of delay and anticipation was a good thing ;-)

Got back to the hotel - reconnected with my husband :winkwink: and slept blissfully in the most comfortable KING bed - oh how I want a KING bed now - until just before room service came with our breakfasts.

Dallied around and eventually made it home.

Life is good.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

I always wanted a domestic birthday gift...

Titles that were runners up for this post:
"What goes up usually comes down."
"The most expensive birthday, EVER."

Yesterday the Boss was out ill. I had very little to do, and had planned on asking her foradditional assignments, which I told her via the most bestest thing ever: e-mail. Since she was gone and all, I supposed I'd check out early? And that got the greenlight.

Thereafter, I spent 5 hours shopping. Alone. (BLISS!) For a dress to wear Friday night. Many more details that are not pertinent to this post will follow in another post.

Came home grabbed Punkinhead, and ran upstairs to try the whole ensemble on. Mah-velous dahling!

Came downstairs, barefoot. Enter, a very wet squish.

Punkin, did you spill something?

He looked at me like I was nuts - uh ma, we've only been home for 5 seconds, WHEN would I have gotten myself a drink and then spilled it - his 3 yr old eyes seemed to question (with much sass, too I might add)

I looked up at the ceiling and there was a water stain. Dripping right onto our carpet.

It was our second hand washer. It's first hand owners were FIL and MIL and we were oh so grateful to take their leftovers when their new purchase coincided with the purchase of our home 3+ years ago.

It has always had a leak, but we had one of those protective drain cover thingies to prevent such happenings. Or so we thought.

Called Charlie Brown - who was out suit shopping with LMNOB.

Change plans, no home cooked dinner tonight - go to Fazolis instead, much to the delight of LMNOB. No picture schedule tonight, sweetheart. Then Sears, and later Home Depot.

Apply for the Home Depot card so that we get the 10% off. Charlie Brown goes google eyed at our approved line of credit $4,100.at.Home.Depot!! I tell him, no, we are going to purchase this set, which came in at just under $1,000 when warranties and taxes and pre-rebated prices were considerred, pay it off with my $1,000 tuition reimbursement check I will be getting from my employer, whenever my grades become official, and we will then use the Home Depot card sparingly. Love you honey! He rolls his eyes at me, in that, thank-you-so-much-for-your-patronizing way he has and says, "Duhhh....I know that, Heather." I knew he did - but, well it wouldn't be me if I didn't overstate the obvious, right?

The set is being delivered on..............Friday. I will have to beg, plead, and threaten the death of the delivery person's first born to ensure that delivery/install is completed before we whirl away to our getaway.

Now, if you'll excuse me - I have to get my butt to a laundromat.

Oh, yeah - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! :-D 28 - and yet for some reason, it feels like that number should be higher?!

Monday, May 7, 2007

On this NEXT weekend

I was really vague, wasn't I?

Here are the details, ladies...

My birthday is Wednesday. It is also close to Mother's Day - in fact, whenever my birthday lands on Sunday it is Mother's Day. So I usually get a two-fer.

Add to it, that historically, springs are slow for Charlie Brown (who is a mechanic and gets paid by jobs done - not hours actually in the shop) and we are usually flat broke for my b'day.

Not so this year!! Yay!

Then...I got an invite from my school's Spring Banquet, which will be on Friday, May 11th. A catered, dress-to-the-nines, boozy-schmoozy event next to the State Capitol. They are going to award the Public Administrator of the Year to some local politician/administrator (read: networking, baby), as well as highlight some of the graduating students' achievements. Charlie Brown will probably snooze through it, but I thought it sounded, to the opportunist in me, as a fun, and valuable shin-dig to attend, because, you see, I'm an online student - and best to really get to know my professors, and get a read on them so that I can make the most impact possible.

In addition...I have to pose for the camera to finish the spotlight they are running on me in this year's marketing mag for the school. It's going to make me so much more famous than this small-time blogging thing. Weird, huh?

*sigh* I suppose it's true... I protested this fall when a friend called me a "politician" - but, listen to me, I think he may be right?!?

Anyway - I told Charlie Brown that we were going, and it would be my birthday/Mother's Day two-fer - there was no asking! MIL is going to be in a training in CO Spgs and is going to drive up and stay with the kiddos while Chuck and I live it up, at the party and later at our own post-party for two. ;-) We've had a rough patch lately and it's time to detach from the stress and reconnect to each other.

After all, we've only ever been away from both kids for a total of 3 nights EVER - one last April, and two nights before Thanksgiving this year. It's been almost 6 mos - I think we've earned it - don't you?

In the meantime - we had a lovely family weekend this weekend; a rare one where I actually felt rested and relaxed by the time this morning rolled in.

Friday, May 4, 2007

TGIF

Charlie Brown and I are going out of town next Friday.

For a whole night away.

We are in the process of finding a nice, yet affordable hotel in downtown Denver - this may prove to be a challenge.

But...it's fun.

In the meantime, it is FRIDAY!!!!

And no one has to work this weekend. And no one is going riding this weekend. And that is cause for celebration.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Some Spring in my Steps

Yes, Mama P - I am feeling better this week.

Sunday I did some sensory stuff with both kids - crab-walking, wheel-barrow walking, and what we used to call "shuttle runs" when I was in elementary school (you know - run 1/4 way across the gym, touch down, turn around and run back, run 1/2 way across the gym, touch down...anyone??) out in the yard.

Punkinhead is a pro at wheel-barrow walking. LMNOB, not so much. Ahhhhh, a spot of body weakness, hmmmm, shall we try to STRENGTHEN it - in turn strengthening other trunk muscles and thereby increasing SENSATIONS in them? Mayhap, indeed.

Yesterday...since it was the LAST grant hearings night, but was also going to be a late night, well, I came into work later to compensate the hours. That elusive thing we women call balance is nice, after all.

Prior to going in, I scrambled to take advantage of a coupon I'd gotten for 1.) a free bra fitting, 2.) free bra, and 3.)free panty from this store - so long as I purchased $25 of stuff. If you look at their bras, you'll see this was a STEAL of a deal. I bought 3 pairs of panties for $27, and got another pair PLUS a $45 bra free! So that was nice - because I love quality undergarments.

When I got into the office, I pulled up my e-mail and started writing some minutes that were long overdue, but neglected due to the grant process. The Boss logged off her computer, and said, "When you're at a stopping point, let me know - I need your help on something." I finished typing my sentence and said, "Ok, what's up?" And next thing I knew, the phones were forwarded to voice mail and we were exiting the building.

We got into her car, and she says, "We are not going to have another sucky week, so we are getting pedicures!" The Boss is seriously my hero!

The next 90 minutes were heaven as the our backs and necks were massaged, feet soaked, exfoliated, massaged and beautified. We talked about LMNOB, the OT work we were doing, and preliminary results. And cute men that we knew. And, did I mention that it was GORGEOUS weather here yesterday??

How could I not have more spring in my step after that?