Friday, August 29, 2008

2nd Grade - Revisited

Yesterday, when I got home, I still hadn’t sent an e-mail to Ms. R. 

 

Something told me that I needed to gather a bit more information beyond my crappy first impression – I do give people the benefit of the doubt…occasionally.

 

LMNOB and Punkinhead were lobbing a football back and forth, running and doing sensory stuff, playing together so nicely that they were very dismissive of my pleas to know how their days had gone.

 

“Good!”  Was the immediate response.

 

“Well, what did you do?”

 

Punkinhead’s memory is not the most reliable account for kindergarten at this stage in the game: “Weeeeellllll….I kinda don’t re-nembewr,” with a shrug of his shoulders.  “We got ‘signed seats on de bus today, and me an’ LMNOB sit togedder!”

 

“LMNOB, how ‘bout you?  What’d you do in class today?”

 

She ran and retrieved from her backpack a crossword puzzle and a worksheet story that they’d done and showed it to me with grins and elaborations on what the activities had entailed.  She seemed really happy and the worries that I’d had earlier in the day dissipated a little.

 

LMNOB had had some anxiety about going to school on the bus yesterday, because last year she’d preferred to prep for class in the school building rather than playing on the playground and that had been accomplished more easily when I dropped her off and walked in the school with her than if she’d ridden the bus.  Wednesday, the prospect of playing on the playground before the bell rang terrified her.

 

“How’d it go this morning, getting to school?”

 

“It went good.  Punkinhead and I went and played on the playground until the bell rang – then we each went to our classes.”

 

Wow!

 

“So, is Ms. R doing anything sensory with you in class yet?”

 

“Yeah, we’ve done a BUNCH of stuff – crab walking, bunny hops, stretches, and today I showed them ‘starfish,’” she recounted gleefully.

 

“Good, I’m glad,” I murmured.  And I am – I just think that it is too bad that I’m having to dig this info out of my 7 y/o instead of hearing it from the teacher.  I mean, is that so control-freaky of me to want to hear from an adult how things are going?  Or is it reasonable, especially given LMNOB’s struggles?  So I prefaced my whole e-mail with an “I’m glad you are doing things and that they’re going well, but can you please communicate with me?” thesis:

 

Hi Ms. R,

 

I’m not sure how much you and Ms. M have had a chance to talk about LMNOB and/or how last year went, but one thing that is extremely important to me is open communication.

 

It seems like LMNOB’s doing pretty well thus far, which is great!  We had a few little bumps in the road Wednesday morning and she had some anxiety yesterday morning about going to school alone – but she did well.

 

She mentioned that you are already doing some sensory activities in the classroom with them, which I really appreciate and think is fantastic.  If you can please keep me in the loop with what’s gone on during the day, I am better equipped for knowing what activities we should be doing at home that evening – i.e. if the school day has had a lot of brain gym activities (crossing midline) perhaps at home we need to be high on the heavy work and vice versa.

 

Also, at some point I would like to sit down and chat with you about the social part of LMNOB’s issues – initiating and/or responding to conversations that are “confrontational” (that’s a technical term, not at all connoting emotional conflict but rather specific responses to address a need) are very difficult for her and we are focusing our weekly OT on this more to help her.  This tendency of hers can at times prove problematic – a few examples: 1.) last year upon finding the door shut (due to weather – it had normally been open) when the bus dropped her off, LMNOB didn’t knock on the door (initiating the specific response of someone opening the door) and instead sat on the porch for 40 minutes, when the provider remembered it was early release day and LMNOB should have been there by now – that one has safety ramifications that I get concerned about 2.) LMNOB got a pink slip last year at recess due to running away from the playground aide and not explaining her side of a dispute.  These are all things that I’d like to see less of this year, but should they occur, it is imperative that folks working with LMNOB know the background in order for things to be dealt with appropriately.

 

I’ve copied BT the OT – our OT that LMNOB sees weekly at LocalRehabCenter.  There is a release of information on file for the school to speak with her and I would prefer that our communications include her as much as is possible.  BT the OT plans on being in attendance at the 504 mtg on the 18th.

 

Thank you!

Heather Meyer

 

 

 

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Not Such a Great First Impression

I am trying to be fair and balanced y'all - but even BT the OT, who is very good at balancing these things was a little perturbed yesterday when I recounted my first impressions of 2nd grade.

Let's backtrack first ok....

Last year was LMNOB's first year with a 504 Plan at school. It was also her first year at said school, so I was the one who'd contacted the school with all our registration and special accommodations questions.


The day before school started, the school's OT, BT the OT and I all sat down and had a little talk about things we could 1.) expect to see out of LMNOB, 2.) an offensive game plan (things that would be proactive and prevent melt-downs) and 3.) a defensive game plan (things that would be in response to a melt-down).

This information was then disseminated to LMNOB's teacher, Ms. M. I love Ms. M! Even before we had our 504 plan meeting, she listened, but moreover - she ASKED QUESTIONS! She was and is great, kept the lines of communication open, took the sensory suggestions we wrote into the 504 and RAN to incorporate them into the WHOLE class rather than singling LMNOB out, and well, she was just awesome.

So...a 504 plan follows your child from grade to grade.

I thought that when classes were determined, the assigned teacher might see the 504, which would trigger him/her to contact me, her parent who knows her best, and/or her weekly OT, with whom there is a signed release of information, before school starting, etc.

I were wrong. Also, yes, I know, I probably should not have ASSumed but should have just initiated the damned thing myself - but you know, I wanted to give the school the benefit of the doubt?!

Tuesday, at the ice cream social/meet your teacher festival of chaos, we met Ms. R. Many other children were streaming in, so I knew that we had to be mindful of other kiddos who'd like to meet Ms. R, too. HOWEVER, that said, I was not going to walk out of the class without having talked to her SOME.

We walked over and introduced LMNOB to Ms. R. I asked if BT the OT had gotten ahold of her yet (BT the OT had said she would try on Friday).

Puzzled, Ms. R said, "Don't you mean School OT? Because she has talked with me and I've read the 504, it looks like Ms. M had great success last year!"

I wanted to say, "No, you dumb#$%^, I meant BT the OT - you know, our weekly OT who is mentioned throughout the 504? Oh, but I thought you'd read it."

Instead I answered, "Yes, Ms. M was great last year, and it is very important to me that we have ANOTHER great year. School OT is great and helpful, but does not know LMNOB like I do nor like her OT whom she sees weekly does. This first week is very critical, and..."

"Oh, excuse me, I have to go talk with this student," she interrupted and whisked off to another parent.

My jaw was on the ground, y'all.

A few minutes later, Ms. R returned, apologizing, "...so crazy and chaotic with school just starting, ya know?"

I smiled, tensely. "Yes, I do know. I'd like to discuss the 504 and strategies to help LMNOB out with the transition of starting back."

"Oh well we have a meeting set up, don't you know?"

I shook my head.

She waved her hand with dismissal, "Oh this time of year, so crazy. Uhm, it's set up for 8:00am on September 18th. Yeeeeaaah, and you know, in the meantime, I thought I'd just like to really get to know her, " as she nodded her head.

The unspoken message was, "Thanks, we're done. Buh-bye!"

So whaddyou do, right? Make a scene?

No, I exited quietly, wondering WTF?

Also; Why in the hell are we waiting to discuss strategies for LMNOB's success until 3 WEEKS AFTER school starts? Without an offensive game plan, you'll get to know LMNOB all right; LMNOB the FREAK SHOW. I want her to know LMNOB, the amazing little sweetheart. Oh, and maybe she will get to see the latter, but then our home life is reserved for the Freak Show because she'll regress to the situations that led us to the SID diagnosis in the first place. HAVE YOU NO EFFING CLUES WOMAN?

Then, school yesterday. LMNOB did her typical separation anxiety routine with Charlie Brown and I there to drop her off. Everyone else was sitting down on their own. As LMNOB whimpered, I told Ms. R, "You're going to have to take her from me - she will not let go unless you help." I believe I said this 3 times. And she just cooed to LMNOB, "Honey, you're going to do great, here, come sit down," which is about as effective as me hoping for a fairy godmother. Seriously, in the past, teachers have had to pry her off of me and bear hug her until I'm out of the room. In other words, talk is cheap, use your damned hands!

Charlie Brown got her off of me, and I rushed out of the room. Apparently, he got her to sit down by giving her a "job" - he reminded her, "Don't forget to make sure Punkinhead gets on the bus with you this afternoon," and with that she sat quietly at her desk.

Not a huge deal, no, I know. But how much better could it have been with some foresight and planning that could have completely pre-empted this? Yeah, mmhmm..

So, poor BT the OT - she got to hear me vent about this for the first half of our session yesterday. She like me, gets that LMNOB is not "high needs" and therefore not "high priority," but, what the teacher and school OT are is missing is that if they she does a little bit of leg work for LMNOB, she is EXTREMELY high-functioning, and therefore a small amount of work now pays off big later.

As I told Mrs. Tantrum in an e-mail yesterday:

LMNOB is really high-functioning when everyone is on their game, and I'll be damned if their lack of planning/resources makes my kid regress, you know?

Soooo....had to get that off of my chest before I write the concerned but HELPFUL parental e-mail to Ms. R today. Wish me luck!



© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Wordless Wednesday

First day of school 2008



Our traditional pictures in front of the willow tree.

How did she get so grown up? I thought last year was so grown up, and let's not forget her first day of kindergarten!


Punkinhead did great!





© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Rights OF the Innocents V. The Rights TO Innocence

Nearly a week later, I'm finally verbalizing the feelings I had about a group of people exercising their 1st amendment rights. I've had a lot of thought about it, from my initial, very visceral reaction, to arguing the other side...just like I tend to do.

Disclaimer: Thoughts following this may not be completely felt out and logic may only partially make sense. Here goes, nuthin'. Hold on tight, Heather's 'bout to go controversial....

Last Wednesday night, I was driving my kidlets to church and happened upon a pro-life demonstration related to the Citizen’s Initiative attempting to narrow the definition of a “person” for the Colorado Constitution as “any human being from the moment of fertilization as “person” is used in those provisions of the Colorado constitution relating to inalienable rights, equality of justice, and due process of law”

What disturbed me most about this demonstration was a picture of a bloody, aborted fetus below the words “God Bless America.”

It pissed me off that I was now having to attend to one nearly hysterical LMNOB’s, “Mama, what’s that? That looks scary” while I, newly pregnant, could hardly contain my own primal response of gut-wrenching, "That's bigger than MY baby is now - How could someone do that?" sorrow.

Abortion IS ugly.

People who are anti-abortion want to show their opponents the shocking realities of this occurrence because many would just as soon not think about it – I get it.

But, and here’s my beef, me thinks it is totally inappropriate and highly ironic to have a demonstration about the rights of the innocents trump the right to innocence [ignorance of the world] of my own children, who are living consciously and independently of my body right now.

I mean – there is a time and a place! These bloody photos can be plastered on any college campus, exercising their first amendment right to offend as many disillusioned adults as they want – I don’t care.

But consider the innocence of those driving by College Avenue in the backseats of their parents vehicles, for crying out loud.

I couldn’t answer LMNOB.

I, ever open to all the hard questions from my children, the parent who is arguing with her husband about the appropriate level of sexual education our daughter should have right now (I’m erring on the side of more information at earlier ages, just to be clear), just said, “Look away. We’ll talk about it later.”

But we haven’t.

Because honestly, I don’t think it is fair that my child who does not yet know about sperm and eggs should find out what an abortion is first – is that not putting the cart before the horse?

Also of irony; often this pro-life crowd is the same crowd that reserves the right to educate their children on sex rather than letting the schools do it for them, again, this is fine. I'm not so different in that I will educate my children before the schools do and with the context of a close personal relationship... Yet they provide a partial, and very graphic, education of sexual consequences to children accompanying their parents without even notifying the parents before hand, as the schools do.

As we drove on, the signs were much more palatable:
  • fetal snapshots in utero with the weeks displayed and the header “I am a person ”
  • Horton Hears a Who illustrations with the motto, “A person is a person no matter how small!”
  • and other sayings that were just as true without the gore.
Guess what protestors? I’m not gonna argue you that.

And, my children can grasp those messages with their innocence still intact.

So why? Why must you be so self-righteous that you preclude yourself from the consequences of your displays, consequences that are hurtful to people who are mostly like-minded?

I abhor abortion. (Get that? The act, not the people who engage in it, vocationally or otherwise. Hate the sin, love thy neighbor?) Especially thinking about it while pregnant. Life is so precious.

But, I believe that such moral laws are not for man to determine.

I believe that God is the author (and therefore DEFINER) of life. Likewise, sin is the author of death.
For man to intervene and try and define something as incomprehensible as eternity, in this case the uttermost beginning of life, is just silliness to me. His ways are higher, right?

Moreover, the God that I know, love and worship has given humankind free will. He does not force Himself upon anyone of us, despite desiring that we would choose Him.

I believe that writing laws that infringe on moral issues such as this restrict free will, and as a result, implicitly place our man-made laws as higher than the Almighty's. Isn't that called blasphemy? If a person isn't going to obey God, why would they obey the law of man? It makes no sense to me and seems that such laws will only increase the rates of investigation, prosecution and incarceration in a world where our criminal justice system is already short on resources.

I also know that while I could never personally terminate a pregnancy, I could never be a woman's judge, jury and jailer should she decide to go that route. Circumstances vary and options are not always apparent as choices so much as they are as musts.

More importantly, I'm not without sin, and I feel very seriously about not casting stones. I feel that to vote such that we legislate morality on some issues but not all, (does anyone do jail time for having an affair these days?) is casting stones.

So I won't do it. Not only that, but if this measure were passed, it could outlaw IUD's as birth control since it is not provenly clear as to the mechanism of contraception it employs. Many MD's are confident that the copper is a spermicide and therefore does not allow conception* to occur. Still others say that the IUD irritates the lining of the uterus, thus can allow for conception but not implantation. I've seen sufficient research for the former option that I was able to use one with a clear conscience.


*doesn't allow for conception = 99.2% of the time, comparable to the Pill - which brings up a question, would hormonal contraceptives also be at risk of being "illegal" since, if you read your pamphlets, conception can still occur but not implant? Hmmmm....



So...all of this said....anyone have a gentle way of discussing abortion with children when they're still somewhat ignorant to the whole mechanics of sex? Not that I'm necessarily going to go there, I just want to hear what y'all would do.



© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Friday, August 22, 2008

What Really Matters...

Yesterday, I was in attendance at a press conference, as a member of the UniverCity Connections; Homelessness Initiative Task Group. (Two questions: 1 - why do these things always have to be such a long name, and 2 - why are people so freakin' ignorant in newspaper commentaries? Not one of the anti-homeless plan commenters have a clue about how much money and the RESULTING COST SAVINGS this plan is going to incur - I could go on for DAYS, MONTHS even educating y'all on this but I'll spare you)

A rather prominent wheeler and dealer in the group pulled me aside and asked me if I ever did consulting work.

I reminded him that I was a consultant to the County for the Homeless Count - and that I did indeed plan on working in the consulting/freelancing capacity in the future. "Why?" I asked him.

"Well," as he swooped his hands in a demonstrative gesture, "This is wrapping up and we'll be beginning phase 2 soon. It's going to be a lot of meetings, a lot of coordination, and who better to tackle such a task with finesse?"

I wanted to die inside, a little. It was JUST the opportunity that I've dreamed of.


And I had to say no.


On top of the fact that I'm wanting to downsize things, and this would just add to the workload, the timing is ALL wrong. This is not going to happen overnight, folks, and I don't think that policy implementation phases take maternity leaves.

I was reminded of something my dear Christian sister had recently said to me in response to my confession that my heart had changed about staying home and planning for this baby (emphasis mine):


I think that's great and I think God will honor any steps of faith you and Charlie Brown take in that direction. He asks for a lot, sometimes, though (consider the rich young ruler...). He wants our all. I think you guys are up to that task, but be prepared to do some 'dying', and to be refined even more by fire. God disciplines those he loves! So brace yourselves and be united and strong in the Lord.


I'm always so fuzzy on the line between what is discipline from God - i.e. requires me dying to myself - and what is temptation from the Evil One - distracting me and tempting me to stoke the idols in my heart - but nevertheless, I can say that I do not regret saying no, and I do not regret taking this leap of faith. This is a beautiful place to be!

I know too well the inner workings of some of the parties at play in this thing, and while everyone is after ends that are noble and humane, the means of some of the players do not sit well with me. Not to mention the inevitable outcry by the more ignorant folks in our public (evidenced in the newspaper commentary) - and the bottom line is this: I don't have to get into all of that yuck by having said no. I can pray for them to have guidance in their next steps and leave it at the Cross.

My God wants my all, and He's directing my energies into my family for this next season in my life. I need to honor that, not fight it, and I know that He will bless those attempts with more than I can comprehend.



© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Me, a Big Blubbery Blabbermouth

Ok, so last night I was blathering on and on all night long about this e-mail that The Boss had sent me about how I now needed to clear out of office time ahead of schedule with her. This is new….and coming right after I was sick last week and having no more sick leave, had offered to do some work from home. I understand that working from home is not our norm; but given the circumstances it was the best I could do!

I read: I don’t trust you and I need more control. Also: My life is stressful right now so you are going to pay….

It made me feel badly. I felt like I’d let her down and that because I wasn’t perfect she was greatly disappointed.

So I did what any people pleasing woman who also happens to be newly pregnant does: CRIED my heart out.

Charlie Brown, upon reading it, said, “Uhm, I don’t get it….it seems innocent enough.”

This morning, we had our first staff meeting in about a month (they used to be weekly occurrences).

After we got our “business” done, she asked me, “Well, how are you feeling about things in the office right now?”

“Uhhhh, well, honestly, since the United Way job and all of that I have been really struggling with finding the right balance between home and work, but I’m feeling better about it. Last week was just hard because I was sick and out of leave time and had just drained my vacation time – so I was trying to do the best I could.”

“Yeah…I was thinking this morning, what would you think about splitting your job and sharing it with someone?”

While I sat there, slack-jawed and mentally sending notes to God, to whom I’d prayed this morning about this very balance, she elaborated, telling me that she knew I had a lot of different circumstances than her, with LMNOB’s sensory therapies, the kids being younger and having daycare woes of late, me being in school, etc., and that my commitment level had been lower of late, but that she very much values the work that I do and wanted to keep it at a quality level.

She proposed that perhaps the person sharing with me could attend all of the evening meetings and grant presentations while I maintained the logistics and planning role for daytime hours at the office. She also told me that she had to do all the calc’s, i.e. workers comp would be higher b/c it is two people rather than one, etc., in her budget before taking it to her boss, but that she thought it could work. After all, the history of this office has been a job-sharing history – she recounted how when she first started here 15 yrs ago she job-shared her current position with another woman in what was then a one-position office. 10 years ago my position was added, at PT, where my successor worked 2 PT positions for the City. Then there was me.

Incredulous, I told her, “You know – when I had my first ‘I can’t do this moment’ in June, before the UW position came open, I briefly thought about splitting my job, but I wasn’t sure if you’d be open to it. So many details to work out and well, you’re not a big fan of change, and I just shut that door without even testing to see if it would open. I really appreciate you asking me this.”

She went on, and I felt an urging.

“And….this is really good timing. I’m pregnant.”

She was overcome with curiosity:

How did I feel about that? – Given that we planned it, I am giddy!

When’s the due date? - April 27th

Had I stopped my meds? Been taking my vitamins? - Yes, both before I even ovulated so I am good ;-) Also; Thanks, “Mom!”

She was thrilled – and in wonder said, “There’s a reason why this all came to me this morning, then.”

I teared up, knowing the conversation I’d had with God just a few hours before, smiled and said, “Absolutely.”

I am just glad that I responded appropriately to her e-mail yesterday and not with the hormonal tit-for-tat and paranoid conclusions I’d jumped to last night.

We have a lot to ponder, too. Health care costs would hike for me if I went to PT since our family is covered on my policy. But, maybe Medishare is right for us now, for them, and I can stay with the City’s coverage until after the baby?

We’ll figure it out, with God’s help – in the meantime, your prayers would be greatly appreciated!




© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Less Words Wednesday




Anyone who knows me knows that I can't be wordLESS. So my compromise is Less Words Wednesday.

These were snapped up last night while I was reading bedtime stories. My "frown" is because Punkinhead went from wanting to kiss my belly to wanting to do a "belly buster" - they tickle!

The Jury will kindly strike the record: As to yesterday's quandary - I'm waiting. Things are definitely awkward right now and yesterday I got the ramifications of her own personal stress. Not going to add to it at the moment. See new post.




© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Telling the Boss...HELP!!!

Hoo boy, has this one been on my mind.

I've been pregnant and working before, and it was a lot different. I had my own office and my boss then was very hands-off. It was easy to keep my pregnancy under wraps until about 10 wks.

Now, The Boss and I share an office, we are very intwined in our work - meaning, it usually requires both of us - and we share personal stories all the time. She's kind of like a big sister to me, in all the ways. Which means, if you read between the lines, that she can be a slightly neurotic PITA even though I love her dearly. Particularly when she thinks I'm going to be leaving her - which has happened a few times over the years. Also when she's not happy with her own work life and I know this to be true.

I didn't want to tell her just yet, but my belly, along with the fact that she knows I've recently cut out caffeine, due to our frequent outings to the Coffee Tree, is going to help her put things together before I'm ready. Also, the million trips to the pisser yesterday.

So it leaves me with this quandary - do I tell her so soon (I'm 4 wks y'all!), or do I keep it from her and let her figure it out by the time I divulge the confirmation? Moreover - how can I break it gently to her that I will not be returning to work? And, that the baby is due in the latter half of our notorious grant season?

What do y'all think?




© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Monday, August 18, 2008

I'm all verklempt...all the time

Part of pregnancy, I know - but man, it's been awhile.

My kiddos are the greatest - and what's sad is that they don't often hear this. But no longer.

Same with Charlie Brown - the things that have come out of his mouth this week are so mature, so loving, and so tender that I can do little but soak it up. I am consciously trying to remember to voice my appreciation for his insights, in part because I should but also to ensure that he keeps this up!

Thanks all for the wonderful words of encouragement yesterday. We are super excited and pleased and just giddy all around.

Now - I leave you with LMNOB's awesomeness, displayed Friday night at Red Robin.

A Raiders/ Titans game was on and she goes, "Is that team," [the OAK at the scoreboard] "from Oar-Kansas?" (Pronounced like Arkansas)

Dude, we laughed and laughed, but in the pit of my mind, I was thinking, this is what No Child Left Behind has offered us?

Heaven help us all if we have little GW's running around in the future because public ed is in the tanks.



© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Pillsbury, we gotta talk....

I totally get that you have the patent on Poppin' Fresh, but somehow I think your convenient little pressurized cans of dough has got NUTHIN' on this:

Photobucket

Ok, so I know you are thinking, "So what, a pregnant woman - they all pop out."

But what if I told you that that picture was taken tonight, after having gotten a shadow line - read: a total phantom that I dug out of the trash - yesterday, with the first REAL positive being achieved just moments before writing this post?

Photobucket

Yeah, that pop is pretty damned fresh. Pillsbury, you ought to be impressed!

And we are pretty damned excited.

This is the secret I alluded to awhile back - we decided to try for a third whilst on our soul-searching, love reuniting anniversary vacation last month. My IUD was promptly removed upon our return, and voila! God has heard our request.

May we rise to His challenge of faith. He's already shared glimpses of this promise to us in so many ways.

Baby #3, you are our little love child, and we love you already.

I can't wait until late April!




© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Me, in a nutshell...sort of

I saw this test over at Our Crooked Tree, and being the psychology nut I am, I had to do it. It pretty much sums me up.

Those stalkers out there might be going, "Hey, I thought you were an ESFJ?" and they'd be right, too. You see, I am so borderline on the Sensing/iNtuitive Perceiving/Judging categories that I flip flop between them often - depending on the mood/hormonal state I am in.

Without further ado, I bring you, Things You Never Quite Had Spelled Out About Heather, But Probably Had Assumed As Much (with commentary):



You Are An ENFP



The Inspirer



You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. (Shock, huh?)

You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules. (Didn't I just basically say this the other day? Also, unimpressed with does not mean disrespectful of - I'm a good little rule following girl at heart, even if I don't like 'em)

Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. (I'm reminded of Charlie Brown saying I had BS Radar)

You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller! (Surely this is true, lest you wouldn't be here)

In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart. (:batting my eyes: why yes, I do think this is accurate)

You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts. (I'm hoping that this means that while I'm totally true blue to my friends/family, see above, I do have a tendency to wonder "what if?" and play around - IN MY MIND & HARMLESSLY)

At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do. (Generally speaking, yes. Sometimes I press that boundary between driven and workaholism)

You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. (Hee....MPA candidate experienced in non-profit and gov't sectors who is going to be self-employed in the future, hmm, not too far off the mark eh?)

How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding (I struggle with the second one from time to time, but mostly, this is a resounding yes)

When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused (Totally on the first two, and ironically enough, given the whole driven thing, the latter sometimes is also true)






© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Best We've Ever Been...

Last night after coming home from work, Charlie Brown pulled me onto the bed (fully clothed and not at all in a sexual manner, mind you), and held me close.

He told me, "I don't know what has happened in these past few months, but I cannot stop thinking about you. All day long, I just want to be with you, to see you, talk with you, touch you. I've never been this in love with you before."

I murmured back that I had the same sentiments.

He added, "I'm the best I've ever been, too."

Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

"Well you know, in regards to our history. It doesn't even cross my mind - well, you cross my mind and that gets kind of naughty..."

"But that's perfectly ok, we're allowed to think about each other that way!" Turning, I looked into his eyes and said, "Thank you. You didn't have to tell me all of this, but that you took the time to means a lot to me."

About that time, Punkinhead and LMNOB crashed the party and we had a group-hug fest on the bed.

My cup overflows....



© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

To Everything There is a Season...

I haven't been writing as frequently here lately. No, the title is not referring to some upcoming blog hiatus, some announcement that I've learned I need to call it a season on this blogging thing.

Rather, I've been wrestling with myself a bit. Shocking, huh? Heather, shadowboxing? Nah...

Anyone who's read here any length of time knows that I'm kind of a planning nut. I get visions of the future, of goals that I want to achieve and all of these subsequent expectations about just how things should go in getting there.

God has shown me time and time again that I'm a pretty silly girl for doing this. And I know that I shouldn't, I mean hello, HOW many times have I read James 4:13-17 and thought I was taking it to heart? I'm feeling a bit lot sheepish. As much time and effort as I put into these "plans," He's derailed me several times just to make His point[s] apparent to me.

Right now, I can just see Jesus saying, "Well, Pops, you know that Heather, she's a bit dense..."

"Boy, don't I know it too....Mmm-hmm," I can see Him clucking back. Then to me, He says, eyebrow cocked expectantly, "Honey, why dontcha take a look at that verse again, mmm-kay?"


Lately this inner wrestling match has had to do with my purpose in life.

I mean, I know the basics: I was made to love/honor/glorify God and also to love my neighbors during my stint on earth.

I know that God created me to be wife to this marvelous [albeit still very human] man I have, (ladies, he COMPLETELY cleaned the downstairs this weekend, without being asked, and THEN, DETAILED my CAR – which virtually had things growing in it, it was that disgusting, thus this feat was no small favor. He was the Acts of Service King – and you know what that means? He Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuurves me!) and mama to our precious kiddos, but somewhere along the years, I have added to these purposes my own understandings.

I’ve written on here before that when LMNOB came along, our marriage was not so great, and the finances were even worse. This tends to happen when you take two very broken people, mix them with the irrational mindset of youth, stir in an unplanned pregnancy (read: emotional taxation and bills as never known before), add a college graduation (read: still more bills as never known before, and a loneliness never previously experienced by one Ramblin’ Red, whose friends all got glamorous post-college careers and moved away), et, voila! Mass chaos, confusion and disillusion with life.

I had to go to work, financially, but truthfully? I wanted to go to work. I was going to be someone, damnit! From the time I was very young, I had somehow gotten it into my head that I had to BE[come] someone worthy of being loved, missing the point that I, just as God created me, AM someone worthy of being loved. Even now, I know the goodness of the latter truth, but comprehension of this wonderful reality proves elusive at times still.

Singing, ♫ ♩

Just as I am, without one plea
But that Thy blood was shed for me….
Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without
,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.


Ahem, uh, hi, yeah, sorry ‘bout that…. ;-)

So, as I was saying, when I went to work, it was out of both financial necessity and a desperate attempt to find myself. Also, in effort to find respite from LMNOB’s then-undiagnosed sensory issues that presented in a she’s-just-REALLY-high-maintenance form with which I found it difficult nearly impossible to cope. Throughout the years, my employment has waxed and waned from full-time to part-time. I managed to negotiate a schedule that virtually gave me the freedom to be a FT SAHM to the kids during Punkinhead’s first year of life. It was my way of saying, “I DO love these kiddos, and I want them to bond with me, rather than a daycare provider, when they are still so little!” My thought was that if we bonded that first year, then child-care providers would later be distinguished by the kids as “not the real deal.” (Note – that’s a personal preference for ME – I do not judge others who’ve used childcare with their infants – you know what is best for you and your family and I am totally aware that there is always more to the story so I don’t even go there)

Four years ago, I went to work at my current position, at what was then a part-time, albeit much higher-paying/better benefitted gig. We had just bought our home, and health care had begun its sharply inflated climb – thus, this was a necessary maneuver for our needs to be met. As it would turn out, this job would meet more needs than we could have ever anticipated at the time. Somewhat indirectly, with the aid of counseling benefits I acquired at this job, my marriage was saved. And then LMNOB was diagnosed with SID (again because of our previous connection to our particular counselor, who would not have crossed our path had it not been for my counseling benefit, available thru my employer) and life looked totally different, in a good way, again.

I saw God’s Divine intervention unfolding like a scroll, and felt peace about working out of the home, seeking a career – to do His work, I justified- , and all of it, including the exorbitant costs of paying someone else to mother my own children (how I ever got at peace with that I’m not quite sure!). I felt that if God had done all of this stuff through my work, then surely that meant He wanted me to work. Period.

Except that, over this past year, God has been whispering into my heart a new desire: to be at home, full-time with my children. LMNOB’s sensory stuff is hard and exhausting to keep up with, and truthfully, I’ve just not been cutting it this summer. Punkinhead’s behavior has at times become antithetical to that which I wish any of my children to display. But most of all, Charlie Brown and I have been slacking in discipling our children to seek God first in all that they do, to learn about Him and His ways, to grow their own faiths as time keeps ticking them closer to being on their own. (BTW, time, STOP! I’m really not ready!)

For a long time, this longing was latent – there, but undetected, and haunting me. I think that this dissonance between my conscious self and the suppressed craving to be the mother God has been molding me into, has actually been masquerading as depression. I’ve been out of harmony with the Will of my Heavenly Father and rather than having the insight to realize this on my own, I numbed it with medication. To help me see that this tugging is more than what met my mind’s eye, I believe that He’s orchestrated a series of events to help me see that yes, He did plan for me to work, and He even worked through those efforts, but I was to work out of the home FOR A SEASON.

For a season – duh.

Nothing in this life is forever, nothing but Him and the Precious Savior that He gave to me.

So when I had a freakout moment about 6 weeks ago and later found a job that would help me to accommodate that still-covert yearning in my heart to be with my children, my blinders started slowly coming off.

I was really confused when it didn’t work out because I’d thought that it was so right, that surely it had been a sign from God. Well, it was, I think… But now I see that perhaps it was God’s way of warming me up to this idea of staying at home again. I’m reminded of the line in John Adams where Abigail said, in effect, that men prefer to think they came up with ideas presented to them, rather than being told what to do/think. Methinks that women do too.

Throughout the years, I’ve made the statement that I just wasn’t made to stay at home. That I lacked the patience, the maternal skill, etc. I think it was equal parts circumstantial truth (i.e. with LMNOB’s sensory stuff being undiagnosed, parenting her was incredibly hard and I was constantly yelling/frustrated/upset due to the extreme stress of it, thus I wasn’t cut out for it – who would be?) and protective rationalization to keep myself from being the tortured mother who wants to stay at home but needs to work for financial reasons.

Now that we know how to cope with LMNOB’s issues (sort of – as already I am anticipating some heavy preventive work relating to the teen year hormones combining with her “touch hunger”), coupled with the accrual of age/maturity since first having children, changes in our marriage relationship, etc., life is different, and could be even more different still, were we to make this jump my heart was now considering. I was awakening to the feelings that I am ready, willing, and excited to reclaim my children and be more of who they need me to be – the mother God intended for me to be.

These ruminations were all fine, all just an idealistic fantasy of my own – but the real test would be what Charlie Brown thought too. I needed to confer with my husband – who has tended to prefer the comforts of abundance over the sacrifices of simpler living at times. While on our vacation, Charlie Brown and I talked at length about our family’s future in this regard, among many other things. Surprisingly enough, we were on the same page for once, and set about planning as to how we could make my wish to stay home a reality.

Our only bump? Health care coverage. But, seeing as we’ve decided on a plan, GOD WILLING, (yes, I know, James 4:17) to pay down our debts this year with a target date of me quitting work about the time that the kids get out of school, we figure there is plenty of time to pray and seek God’s blessing of provision.

Then, bolstering this little spark in my heart into a consuming flame, a couple of weeks ago, a dear sister at my church approached me, calling out my heart re: my WOHM v. SAHM debate. I’ve been called out on this issue many times before, with not so gentle reproaches, but this time was different. Her message was long (indicating a great amount of thought and consideration) and asked tough questions, but it was seasoned with the wisdom described in James (heh, yeah, it’s a good book, on of my favorites) 3:17-18: she had pure intentions, was gentle with me, and was open enough to dialoguing with me that she was willing to yield about parts of her message that struck me as somewhat painful. Regarding the latter, she clarified for me where she was coming from in a godly attempt to make peace, and when all was said and done, I left the experience having felt completely blessed for it.

We shared this leap of faith with our life group last week, and one of the girls (we’re in the young adults group, I can’t say “ladies” when she’s the same peer group as me!) told me about MediShare. It’s this amazing Christian health-care ministry that is EXACTLY what we are looking for. One of their folks called me within a few hours of my web inquiry, and I’m totally stoked about joining them as I’m nearing the end of my tenure at my current employment.

I know I sound all Pollyanna Christian with all of this, but trust me, I’m still the same Heather. Still smart, still spunky, unconventional and slightly rebellious (read: God’s still shaping me). Still fatally flawed. And I’m still going to be talking about life very openly and frankly, because seriously, life isn’t lived delicately, peeps!

I feel at peace. For the first time in a very long time. Ever, maybe? Because for once I’m not steamrolling my way through life according to my own understanding/analysis. I’m resting upon the Lord and have I mentioned that I’ve never been so at peace?

And back to the purpose thing. Not to sound all conceited or anything, lol, but God’s blessed me with a gift for writing, and if not with content then at least with the ability to create prolific amounts of interdependent words, eh? I fully intend to explore venues that I can use that gift for good (and for income, for my family) as I begin the new chapter in life as a SAHM.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to lately. Lots of soul-searching. Lots of re-connecting with my Father. Spending lots of time with my kiddos and my husband, reuniting as a strong family unit. It’s LOVE all around, all this stuff I’ve been doing.

And LOVE never goes out of season.

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved


P.S. I spent upwards of 20 hours this weekend doing housework and laundry (note how laundry gets its own designation) and for the most part, I was not crabby at all. That is a true work of God, y’all. And my house is BEAUTIFUL because I cleaned with a cheerful and peaceful heart!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

In His Pocket

Punkinhead and LMNOB were especially good this weekend for us, and last night was a prime example.

We had what we call Life Group – at our church this is a small-ish group of people from the larger church body with whom we gather on Sunday evenings for a time of fellowship including a meal, songs, prayer, and Bible study – and we were in a bit of a rush, because I had neglected preparations for the night in going out with an older Christian woman that day. Wouldn’t you know it, but Heather got chatty and whittled away the time. That never happens, right? :wink:

Anyway, we scurried out in a rush, and I offered up a quick prayer for good behavior. You see, aside from an elder and his wife, we are the older members in our life group and while there are several married couples, LMNOB and Punkinhead are were the only children in our group. There is now an infant one month old, and two others to be added to our number in the next several months, which will change things, but for now suffice to say that entertaining them often proves a bit difficult at times during our Life Group studies.

They were good as gold, playing in the yard after supper.

Sidebar – Punkinhead is an especially charismatic child – he has this presence when he’s talking that draw people to him. I think it is mostly because he is so expressive, with his eyes, facial gestures and “hand talking.” Not to mention his witty mind is often the cause for laughter – people like to laugh.

Just as we were praying, the two kids came running inside.

“Mama!” Punkinhead stage-whispered with emphatic glee, “You HAVE to see dis! I got some grasshoppers for Maynard!” This is our 30 y/o turtle. “Some are dead but he’ll eat doze, won’t he?”

Quietly, “We’re getting ready to pray buddy – wait – where are these grasshoppers?” I asked.

Excitedly, he, with proud eyes, beaming ear-to-ear, and repetitively bobbing his head with his c’mon-it’ll-be-cool-just-go-with-it nod, announced, “Dey’re in my pocket!”

We all laughed long and hard. His intensity was priceless. The location of these hoppers was disgusting! LMNOB added that they were the “Grasshopper Boppers” and proceeded to dance around with the energy that only youth can proclaim.

Our hostess graciously got up and offered them a mason jar, and encouraged them to keep collecting those hoppers, because “They’re eating up my garden!” Then they bounded off with new dedication – they’d been charged with a mission and been given the roles of Garden Protectorate, roles they took seriously.

We began praying and halfway through, Punkinhead arrived in front of my face, shoving the jar into me. “Look, look, Mama, I got a BIG FAT JUICY one, and Maynard’s gonna love it!” More emphatic head-bobbing and “look at what I did!”

We oohed and aahhed at their prowess, and then marveled at the precious nature of their innocence.

It’s nights like that that all is well in the world for me.




© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved