Catharsis by music

My bigger little brother made me a CD on Monday. He's into all sorts of music and is constantly making me mixed CDs with music he thinks I'll dig on. Usually these selections of his are an eclectic, yet strategic blend of genres he knows I'm fond of and unknown-to-me artists with lyrics that hit straight to the heart. Often, there are references to our childhood...these speak to me so preciously, b/c our other siblings were too young to remember the really hard times, and at times I wonder if it was all in my head. But then this brother validates me, and that feeling of assurance that chases the doubts away is priceless.

So I'm listening to the CD and there's a groovy, funky song with a positive message about self-image, Jack Johnson (how can you go wrong with ANY of his stuff? I'm positively smitten with the man and his talent!), Five for Fighting (who I always mistake for Dave Matthews - both faves of mine), and then this slow ballad. This red-headed stepchild is all about ballads, loving to belt out the powerful notes at the climax of the song. The build-up, the climax, the afterglow of a ballad is a hugely emotional experience, and always has been for me, whether vocal or instrumental (I played clarinet 6th-12th grade).

Turns out, it was Kelly Clarkson, the first American Idol - which seems a little cheesey to me, but I guess talent is talent, whether you get recognized with the aid of an agent or a reality show doesn't make much difference if you've got what it takes, eh? This was one that wasn't picked by my brother for the artist, or necessarily the type. When I paid attention to the lyrics, the first thing I did was turn it up and get swallowed up by the song's intensity and significance to my life.

Because of You

Ohh ohh mmm

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

andI will not let myself cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way,

to never let it get that far

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust

Not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you...

I am afraid

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh

Everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you...
I am

I watched you die

I heard you cry

Every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known

better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry

In the middle of the night

For the same damn thing..

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I tried my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Because of you....ahahahahhhhh...because of you...you..... mmmmmmmmmm........

It's me...and our mother. She leaned on me as her guide and confidante in life, instead of the other way around. I parented us both, while she shared things with me no parent should ever burden their child with: I was almost aborted, and I have a sibling who was aborted I never got to meet. I was, at the tender age of 12, the liaison of her affair with another man when her first marriage got rocky. I knew the horrific details of the abuses she endured as a child. When I learned my sibling's father was not also my biological father, she told me all the sordid details of why he left and when, telling me he was going to steal me away from her, etc. when I was 5 years old!

I have difficulty trusting others, b/c there is always an ulterior motive, or there was. I don't trust myself as easily as I should b/c I was told repeatedly growing that my feelings weren't real or the way things really were! I always wondered if I was crazy b/c of this. I open up easily on the surface, with regards to factual events in my life. But when it comes to intimately entrusting myself to someone who is close to me, I struggle with tearing down walls. Vulnerability means a capacity to be mortally wounded, and I have been afraid of that for a long time.

My biggest fear that my mother has put in me is the fear that I will be like her. I've very methodically emulated everything she is NOT so as to avoid fulfilling this dreaded destination. Every fiber in my being knows that I won't be like her, I've already changed so much, but the fear remains in my heart. I also fear that her prophecy, spoken to me the morning I called to tell her of my engagement, of me "just getting pregnant and not doing anything [significant] with life," could be a true statement. It's dawned on me that fear is probably the largest driving force in my attempt to find meaningful work NOW instead of being patient. Her controlling grip never let me go, even 9 years after leaving her house.

It's cathartic for me to play the song loudly in my car, repeatedly, as I tend to do when something speaks to me like this, but I sing it with an edition at the end, making it a truer statement of where I'm at emotionally now:

Because of you
I was afraid