Monday, February 12, 2007

How I am like a Ball Park Hot Dog

They plump when you cook 'em.

I plump when you cook 'er. [with life's pressures that is]

Yes...I'm facing a weight gain. Most recently, it's only about 7 pounds up from what I was. In the last 9 mos, it's 20 pounds up.

I recently delayed my annual physical for a month because I was not looking forward to hearing about my weight, especially because 20 pounds ago, my doc told me, "You know, you could stand to lose about ten," and nagged me about upping the cardiovascular ante.

How's a gain of 20 instead, doc?

I know how it happened. First, I weaned myself off the antidepressant that had some appetite suppressant qualities to it. Then, I've continuously added stress to my life (homeless count project, kindergarten, THE HOLIDAYS, a little marital discontent, full-time employment, and now school) all the while decreasing most physical activity.

So last week, sitting in the dr.'s office, we're chatting, and she oh-so-kindly is silent about the weight. But then, she asks me about my cycle, and as I begin to tell her that I've gone from a 31 day cycle to a 23-24 day cycle, it dawns on me....

I eat like a hog the week before I start, and slightly more than average while on the rag. So....that means I have about one normal week of eating in a month!


The doc agrees. She suggest Yasmin, a new birth control pill that is being rx'd to keep weight down and treat PMS?

I am thrice bitten, extremely shy with birth control that I mean that the majority of my stretch marks are from the PILL, and not my kiddos. Not to mention I was on the pill when I had my first officially diagnosed bout with depression, and miracle of all miracles, when I quit the pill, I quit that episode of depression too. Despite having tried 3 different pills while on that method of birth control. And not to mention that I'd JUST asked her for a referal to a urologist so that Chuck could get fixed. Soooo....No.

Okaaaaayy, she gets that. What about if she rx'd an appetite suppressant for those weeks out of the month that I was struggling?


She's only been my doc for 6 years, and 4 of those years from the middle, I didn't even see her, since I was on the OB/GYN track then. I've seen her, like, maybe 4x, ever? She doesn't really know.....

I told her my secret.

"Uhm, I don't really think that is a good idea."

"Oh?" Unspoken - what am I missing?

"I'm a recovering bulimic. I've been abstinent from the binge-purge cycle for 9 years now, but really only mentally healthy in the past 3 years. I know I'm overweight, but I'm at peace with food for the first time in my life, and I am afraid that a diet pill would wreck that, ya know?"

She nodded, and asked me more about my illness. I told her that at first, I had been very restrictive by day, and I kept that up, but eventually I began bingeing...then purging at night.  That in the beginning I only purged via ritualistic, excessive exercise, and finally hit the bottom with actual vomiting.  I lived in this hellish cycle for just over 2 years.

So, no, a diet pill just won't do. Really, I just need to up my exercise, b/c the food relationship is good, with maybe only portion sizes being revisited. But balanced meals, variety, etc. is all good.

It's a weird place to be at. Having your doctor recommend diet pills. I don't quite know how I feel about it. On the one hand, she's being very sensitive and accommodating, trying to help me with an issue she knows is touchy. On the other hand, I'm not that overweight, ya know? I wear between a 12 and a 14, and yeah, I got some cushion for the pushin', but I'm not morbidly obese or anything.

Now, the task for superwoman, that's me these days, is to find the time to add exercise to the rigeur of school, marriage, motherhood, work, etc that is my life.

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