Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Out of Sync

Note: This post is about sex, and will be very frank - which some of my Christian readers may find offensive. Just FYI, and comments about how Christian women just shouldn't talk this way will go the way of the dinosaur, just sayin'.

Lately I've been wondering why in the heck the pubescent audience have staked their claim as sole proprietors on books/seminars/etc with titles like "Your Changing Body."

I mean, women especially could run a series on that.

Your Changing Body: How the Miracle of Life Destroyed my Body

Your Changing Body: The Physiological Need for Sleep Has Now Trumped my Desire for Sex

Your Changing Body: I'm Pushing 30 and Hello Vagina!

Yes, my biological clock, it is a tickin', and boy howdy do I feel the surge of hormones flood to my nether regions for about a week out of every month. It's that time known as "Fertile." And damned if my body is not saying, "We are gonna make you want sex so bad that you can taste it this week, and then you are going to have wild, passionate sex, because honey, our baby making days, they are numbered."

But the joke is on my body thanks to my lovely intra-uterine device. Which is totally ok, because the sex? WoWzAs! Why has someone not told me about this? Also, if boys feel this when they are peaking in their late teens/early 20's, well that explains a whole freaking lot to me. Instinct is a hell of a master, eh?

So this week is my fertile week. Forget Fertile Myrtle and her mousey ways. No way, honey, I go all Virile Va-freaking-Voom Vixen with the clothes and the makeup and then I plot how to proposition Charlie Brown all day, which only adds to the steam. (After all women are like crockpots and men are like microwaves, right?)

Also, isn't this every married man's dream - to have a playful, creative, and available bed mate? I mean we hear and see so many trite scenes of the married couple where the man is trying to get a little sumpin' sumpin' and you hear, "Not tonight, dear," that it makes me feel a bit of pride in myself that I'm not that wife.

So last night I'm at the store picking up dinner items and I text Charlie Brown:

i want ur body 2nite...and not 4 a quickie either ;-)

Get home, start dinner.

Suggestively, "So I sent you a naughty little message babe..."

"Yeah, I got it."


Whoa, whoa, whoa! The non-verbals screamed out loud to me: AIN'T HAPPENIN'!

Play a little harder and chase a little more as he's doing this hard to get thing.

Or so I thought.

I try to talk to him about his day.

It was. FINE.

It's just not happening. Like last month when I walked down in slinky lingerie and he kept watching motocross.

And I feel like I could burst with the ache down there. Again.

The frustration was almost rage worthy....

And then there's that same feeling of rejection. Note: if a woman steps out and initiates, because you know, we hear men like that, then TAKE HER UP on it, for crying out loud. Because once bitten, twice shy guys.

Granted, we're having more sex than just this one week per month, but if we could just get in sync it could be SOGOOD!!!!!

We have got to get out of this rut. Or I have to go over the hill. Soon.

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved


  1. ooooh, Charlie Brown is a lucky, lucky man. He better step up to the plate, or you are going to have to invest in a... pinch hitter, so to speak. ;-)

  2. I have a similar husband...they don't even know how lucky they are! ;)

    Princess In Galoshes, i'm a LMAO at your pinch-hitter comment. Now there's a blog post to scare the Christian women away!

  3. Do not.. and I repeat do NOT google pinch hitter!


    Heather I think I hear your nether regions all the way over hear... holy moly woman!

  4. It's always something. Either women want sex and are being denied, or they don't want it at all. Where's the fine line? The balance? Feeling your pain, babe. Hang in. And love your honesty as usual.

  5. Great post!

    "...Hello VAgina"

    Bwahaha! Had me laughing like crazy!