I'd gone thru my syllabus and input due dates as well as a plan to manage the readings in my calendar.
Conclusion: I'm pretty much screwed for the summer. Nah, it isn't that bad - I'm just going to have to be REALLY good with managing my time...something I tend to self-sabotage myself with often. As in I create a lot of my own chaos because my psyche has a hard time working in clarity and peace.
We had Wednesday night church and then I'd planned on getting together with DSW for some girl time - and I was a little alarmed at how much I had to do and how was I going to get it all done and yada yada.
On the way home from work, I prayed. For the first time in what feels like ages, it was something more than a guttural moan of, "Oh, Gooooooooooooood...."
I felt a bit sheepish, as if I'd been playing a bit of hide and seek with Him, but I muttered through somewhat awkwardly, "Heavenly Father....uh, hi? I uh, am a little freaked out, Lord and just need Your Peace. Please help me to enjoy the fellowship at church tonight and with DSW without a running to-do list commentary in the back of my mind. Please Lord, help me to turn that off as I try to focus on what I can learn from You tonight. In Jesus' name, Amen."
Not the most eloquent, thorough, or even transparent prayer, but baby steps, right?
You see, I have this thing. I feel like if people know the true workings of my mind, that if I show off all of my scars, that people will look, but then slowly back away with second thoughts about me. Who knew she was so messed up? Uhhh, dude, oooookaaaay.....See ya!
And then there's that other thing, that asking for help thing. I have trust issues when it comes to others holding up their end of the helping bargain, because I've been let down so many times and had my weaknesses held against me.
It's no different with God for me. I know that He is the ultimate daddy that I never had. I know that He will never let me down. I know that He loves me unconditionally, scars and all. I know that no mistake of mine is too big for His grace.
And yet feeling these things that I know and have been proven to me, over and over again in my life, still evades me at times. So I back away, because if I don't reach out to Him or ask Him for something, He can't possibly reject me, or fail me, right? If I don't allow myself to hope, I am less likely to feel the sting of disappointment when reality differs from my wistful expectations, right?
Who knows...right or wrong, that's what I do when I'm depressed. I think I'm not worthy and I back away from God, when in reality I should be clinging to Him with fervor. I hear He weathers storms rather gracefully.
So...we made it to church, where they were kicking off family nights for the summer. Family nights are great - we eat at church (yay, no scrambling to fix dinner) and then connect with each other. This year's theme is "God's story, My story" and is going to be men testifying about times when God has intervened in their lives. Very intimate. Stuff I've been craving for a long time.
Last night's speaker was a man whom I admire very much. He's very intelligent, articulate, and engages people in respectful dialogue when there are differences of opinion, versus harsh debates. On many disputable matters, we differ, but on the core tenets of our shared faith, we are very much in agreement.
He got up and shared about his one-time battle with depression, humbly, openly, frankly.
I'd have never guessed. Ever.
His battle was a little more Freudian than bio-chemical, a little more mind over matter than the very biologically based depressions I have experienced, and thus was more "treatable" with prayer and his relationship with God and not as med-reliant as mine have tended to be.
But despite differences, he's felt the despair, and can relate.
And I'm not alone.
Psalm 88 - King David's Depression
1 O LORD, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you.
2 May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.
3 For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am like a man without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, and who are cut off from your care.
6 You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily upon me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
8 You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to
them. I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, O LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the
land of oblivion?
13 But I cry to you for help, O LORD; in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, O LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me?
15 From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death; I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend.
© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved
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