Monday, July 28, 2008

Just WHAT Are You Trying To Tell Me?

I've been asking God this all night, and damned if I don't want an audible answer RIGHT now.

At the end of June, I had a stressful, "I can't do this" moment and the thought of downsizing my workload momentarily bleeped onto my radar. Two days later, an ideal PT job (that would later prove too good to be true) crossed my path, and my radar went "Bebebebebebebeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!" The next day, the head of the organization and I exchanged 12 e-mails over the course of an hour about salary, how glad he was that I was applying, etc, etc.

Almost as soon as I sent an e-mail asking for prayers about this turn of events to some friends from church, I got a response from one of the girls saying how coincidental the timing was, because I'd crossed her thoughts while she was gardening that morning - and in the sense of how overwhelmed I must feel, that she wished I could find something that would meet our financial and family life needs. I thought it was a sign. That this was in the bag. I thought it was what God wanted for me, and prayed that I could gain some respite, job security in a job that had upward mobility built into it, and more time with our kids. But alas, it was not meant to be...

I was actually quite ok with it. I was trying to just take these moments and glean from them what God could possibly have wanted me to do with it. Through prayer and practicing the Power of Now, I came to the conclusion that God didn't want me to DO anything with it. He didn't want me find out why I wasn't picked. He didn't want me to try and manipulate things such that I found another job. What He's wanting me to do is to just lean on Him and let Him do the heavy lifting. So, I thought I was doing that. Letting go. Giving Him the reigns. And becoming more content with my circumstances, which trust me, I HAVE learned a new appreciation for. It's like I have new lenses through which I'm seeing everything, and that is a huge blessing for this girl with Eeyore like tendencies.

But then tonight, as I picked up the kids from daycare, a home daycare that they only just started in March, after M had given us her notice, the new M told me that she was quitting daycare as a business and going back to work/school. Her last day would be August 8.

School starts August 27, and it is killing me to think of yet another childcare situation for the kids this year. Stability? Hello? Or how about Consistency? Yeah...

But, things happen for a reason, Heather. You've given God control.

But what is He trying to tell me?

Should I quit work and up my financial aid so that I can take more classes, have a little loan to live off of and be with the kids after school?

Well, health care, yeah, that would be a Charlie Brown's health plan sucks hairy donkey balls.

But there I go Sarah giving Hagar to Abraham, I am trying to make sense of this turn of events and develop a rational plan of action. Thinking she was too old to bear the children God promised, Sarah sought to aid God in His delivery of His promise, and instead of just waiting on the Lord, only made things worse. Seen the relations between Palestine and Israel lately? Yeah, still bad.

So, I'm just doing nothing right now. As much as it pains me to do so. Well, pray of course. And ask y'all to pray with me, because I'm rather confusilated and would just like the Big Guy to demystify my life a bit right now.


© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved


  1. Just stumbled across your blog. Great! I will continue reading it, and will pray for you, for sure! I too am tight with God, and I am peeking my head out from under the covers to catch amazing glimpses. You go Red!

  2. Mother guilt seems to be the same the world over. Guilt if we go to work - guilt if we don't, and we are our own worst enemies!

    We make the right decisions at the time we have to make them - with the information available to us. And every decision if it's based on a love for our children - is the right one.

    I wish I had some words of comfort telling you everything will work out for the best - but you know something? It usually does. I applaud your patience to sit and wait - a very wise man once said to me "just wait you will know what to do".

    You are a GREAT mum!

  3. And you know what???

    It's HIS job to demystify it all. Not yours.

    I'm in a similar situation with school. School starts a week from Monday in these parts.

    My Nina's school (or MY first choice for her) won't be a sure thing until Friday. That leaves me with a week to decide where she'll start on August 11th.

    Actually - it's up to God to demystify.

    I am but His servant.....


  4. Thanks for the comment. I found you through Soliloquy, via her bloggy giveaway. I loved her style of writing, and she linked to your blog about Zestra, and I loved reading. Thanks for sharing!