Wednesday, October 1, 2008

In a fog

I think it’s the first trimester that has me so blasé right now – I can’t sort through my mind long enough to find my voice without being interrupted by nausea or fatigue or yet ANOTHER thing that I dropped in this juggle called life as a working mom.

Every day is a struggle just to wake up at the right time, get the kids up and readied for school, fix breakfast/lunch, get out the door, proceed to work for 8 hours, come home, cook, bathe, do homework, unwind a little and then hit the sack, exhausted.  Let alone add in the “extras” that I used to do – going for walks, visiting with friends, cleaning my house, and sex.  Oh that last one I could squeeze in if I weren’t dealing with yeast, yet again.

I am happy to be pregnant – do not get me wrong.  I can’t wait to meet this little one and I love him/her with my whole heart.  I just sometimes wish I could “just” be pregnant and not have to deal with anything pertaining to the real world.  Or other people.  Or any external demands on my life.  Hee.

How did I do this before?  With LMNOB I was young, but also finishing up my last semester at CSU.  With Punkinhead, I was older but still young, working FT and had a toddler.  I remember some difficult stretches with fatigue, but otherwise the pregnancy was uneventful.  This time, I am pushing 30 (I know, I am relatively young in this regard – but remember, it’s been 6 years since I’ve done a first trimester!) working FT, have 2 school-aged kiddos, and am pathetically trying to remain a graduate student…I withdrew from my last two classes and this semester’s prospect of class completion is looking equally dismal. 

And, though I have a lot more on my plate this time, I also have a partner who is much more accommodating than he was with the previous babies – so shouldn’t some of this be a wash?  I mean he cooks, cleans, gives me back/foot/leg rubs on demand, watches out for me and most of all is so involved with this pregnancy that it should theoretically be easier, right?

I’m a little worn emotionally because of the election.  I’m really tired of seeing the world hurt because of bad political decisions and the ensuing blame game that never stops and only acts as smoke and mirrors instead of solving the problems.  I’m scared of our economic downturn and what kind of world I may be bringing this child into, that my other two children are already in.  I worry that I’m not preparing them enough for dealing with the world – I can’t even get them to clean their rooms, much less think of others first.  Then I remind myself, “They are 7 and 5, still very egocentric per Piaget.”

I’ve checked out professionally – despite still working.  It’s almost as if I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and then fast forwarded to it before I was supposed to.  Which means things are kind of automotron and lifeless – and because I still have to go through the motions, I’m not energized enough to check into my family, which is what I wanted to do in the end.

I’m hoping it’s just a season – and that with the passage of the 1st trimester I’ll get over this hump.






1 comment:

  1. I think you're doing amazingly well. With my twins, I was able to just be pregnant...I could not imagine being pregnant today and dealing with everything I do on top of the exhaustion...I hope that your next trimester will prove a little easier. Still, I can't even fathom doing it all myself. Keep up the good work, H.