Thursday, March 5, 2009

I Think I've Lost My Voice

Not physically, as in laryngitis, but as in my writing identity. Hence my absence.

And really, I hate to admit this because on thinking about just what my writing voice has been, it has kind of embraced the victim mentality for way longer than I'd care to own up to. Not the woe is me and life sucks victim, but the I've been wronged so I'm gonna be an angry advocate former victim voice. For so long my voice was that of THE (as in consummate) red-headed step-child, the outcast, a woman spurned; misunderstood and needs unmet. My writing was my way of seeking validation from others as I so desperately needed to be heeded, attended to, understood and well, HEARD.

But, what I'm finding is that my marriage is meeting more of those needs than it did before. As are my friendships as I now have time to invest in little mid-day rendezvous (I hope my memory of French plurals isn't failing me, as I REALLY wanted to tack on an es to that word) to cultivate face to face friendships.

I'm not as angry, don't feel like I have as much to prove as I used to, and also, the fodder in my brain makes me feel like I was turning into just another mommy-blogger. Not that there's anything wrong with mommy-blogging, but lately it just feels like I don't have anything new and fresh to add to the mommy-blogosphere.

Finally, there's also the fact that I'm suffering from severe placenta brain. My [big] words elude me with frustrating frequency.

Example: A month or so ago, Charlie Brown showed me a truck that had been customized with a hand-crafted tailgate, bumper, etc. One of his co-workers had designed and built these parts. A few days later, I met him while visiting Charlie Brown at work. My brilliant conversation with him?

"So you're the one who does....that...stuff! You know, custom stuff with metal?"

He looked at me with his brows raised and nodded slowly, like he was dealing with a mentally retarded woman.

"Oh, you know, that stuff - what do they call it? You know like on American Chopper?"

Charlie Brown stepped in with the missing word, "I believe you're thinking about fabrication, right?"


And that's just one time - it happens with alarming regularity and lends my writing to sounding like a 5th grade book report. Not exactly up to my normal snuff.

In the meantime - here are the things that have been happening at Casa del Meyer in my absence:

-Punkinhead's Parent/Teacher conference included School OT and a request to have him tested and evaluated as to whether a 504 plan is in need. Primarily they are concerned with his fine motor skills as pertains to handwriting, which is an issue. Punkinhead is very bright with letter recognition, phonics, and actual reading. But translating that knowledge via his hands just doesn't come easily for him and it does make him frustrated and say things like, "I'm just dumb!" I was all for the testing - until a comment was made about wanting to screen his attention issues too. My kiddo does not have ADHD, lol. He's a BOY, one of 14 boys out of the 18 total kids in his class, he's a SOCIAL kiddo, and he's a July birthday which means he is considerably younger than the rest of his class. His breaks in focus are likely more due to those issues than an organic one. But we'll see what the testing shows.

-LMNOB turned 8 last Sunday and suddenly the tween switch was flipped, in conjunction with some "OMG!ThebabyiscomingSOOON" anxiety and the results have been less than pretty. Tantrums and discord are back and I am NOT PLEASED with this.

- Charlie Brown continues to be the BEST HUSBAND/BFF ever to this pregnant mama. He has been so supportive and such a rock for me. I totally do not get his sexual attraction for me at this stage, as I am tired and therefore not taking great strides to care for my appearance, and uh, HUGE. But who am I to question it?

-We've all had a cruddy cold season. My last post was about kids taking cold medicine, and just 2 wks ago we had another bout of colds and ear infections here.
- As a result, I had protein in my urine 2x last week and the doc was concerned about pre-eclampsia, but happily everything was skewed because of my cold and all is well.
- We are on the countdown for the little dude's arrival. Only 7-ish (I am 32 wks 5 days) more weeks!
- Oh and the movie Fireproof? Totally worth seeing. The acting starts out a little B-movie quality, but it is the plot that makes the movie, not the acting. I also love the fact that Kirk Cameron's real wife came in as a double when there was a kissing scene. Charlie Brown and I both cried like babies watching this show.
I think that is a wrap. I'll try to be on more - it's just finding this new voice that I need to work on.

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved


  1. Sounds like, all-in-all, you are making the transition to sahm very well! I've missed you but know that you'll be back when you're ready.

    btw-you look darling!

  2. You look like the perfect little pregnant woman! Such a cute belly on you...

    Well, I'm very glad you're still around and didn't do anything rash like delete your blog (eek, btdt, never doing it again!)...and I'm happy to hear that your marriage and social life is fulfilling. Seriously, sometimes I wonder about blogging and why people - myself included - do it? There are so many people happy and content with life itself who don't even know what a blog is or who think doing what I do is basically crazy. I'm not sure what draws me to blogging so much when there is so much life to live and love to give (and receive). It's something I've been struggling with for awhile now. Your post here put a lot in perspective though.

    I know you're going to be really busy, really soon, but I'll have you in my reader for whenever you decided to update again :)

  3. You look fantastic! I'm glad that things are going relatively well. Good luck with everything!