Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It's Really Starting to Sink In

The impact of just what has happened is finally being processed by my brain, and it is almost a post-traumatic stress response.

I remember the night after the surgery, when my temperature soared and the nurses couldn't get me to cool down. They packed me on ice on the hospital bed and watched vigilantly, willing my fever to break. Meanwhile I thought I was going to die and I just cried, delirious with fever and the fear that I was going to leave my beloved husband and children without anyone to love and care for them. I prayed and told God that while I didn't fear death and would love to be with Him, I wasn't able to cause my family such heartbreak and needed to stay around for them.

And then my poor babies....I can't imagine what the last 3 weeks have been for them.

I remember them coming to see me when I was post-surgery and LMNOB took one look at me and began sobbing. The central line out of my neck freaked her out, along with the oxygen tubes, chest tubes, etc.

I just try and put myself in 8 and 6 year old shoes and the mind boggles at the fear factor they had to be wrestling with.

We've had some debriefing conversations, particularly between me and LMNOB, and things are getting less scary for her, but she's still worried about me as she told my mom the other night. Rightly so, as the pulmonologist appointment revealed I still have a long ways to go before I am "recovered."

The older kids and I haven't really had a lot of time together of late because everyone is trying to be so helpful and "keep them out of my hair" so I can rest, but really I feel like my babies and I are growing apart as a result.

I just want to be healthy and be able to be the mother and wife my family needs me to be. I am forever grateful for my church family as they are helping us to attain this wish with their help around the house, cooking of meals, and general visitations.

© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved


  1. Your road to recovery may be long but hooray, God answered your prayers, you are still here for your family. That's all your kids need!

  2. Take your time physically-there's no sense in rushing it to only get worse.

    The kids? Have them snuggle with you to their favorite movie or book. Rest and time together. They'll bounce back as soon as they get more mommy time.

    And? Continue to use/get the help you need! God only expects us to carry our own burdens and when there is more than we can handle? That's why he gave us church, friends, husbands, family, etc.

    Wish I could be there to help, too!

  3. Big hugs . . . .I'm so glad you are recovering, even though it's a slow process. What a scary ordeal.

  4. I was going to say just what Headless Mom said.

    Sending you hugs and love and healing thoughts.