what i wish she would have let me say to her

Backstory: the latter part of July, I received a msg from a colleague regarding an executive position opening at a local non-profit.  While I am currently at home, it has always been part of the plan for me to return to work when Christopher began school.  We're not quite there yet, but seeing as this opportunity found me {I was not looking} and our finances are still pretty dire thanks to Pneumo-Geddon 2009 and the crapped economy, Seth and I had some very frank conversation about whether I should even pursue it, and decided together that indeed, I should at least test the waters.  I interviewed {x3}, took a personality test, and landed in the top 3 candidates, but alas, it was not meant to be.  And I was actually ok with it.  What follows is a conversation I wanted to have with a friend, after we'd had an exchange that crushed me up quite a bit.


Motherhood should be a blessing, not the guilt-inciting, martyr-making chore that the level of sacrifice you keep wanting me to make has turned it into.  I don't want motherhood to be the cross I have to pick up daily, I want it to be something that I enjoy, treasure and am thus able to offer my best to my kids.  The financial trauma my family has faced in the past 3 years has taken away from that, and I'm seeking to restore the balance of having enough {and my enough is not a materialistic enough fwiw}and being more present with my kids.  I am fully aware that the trade off of time away from my kids seems counter-intuitive from this, but trust me, my eyes are wide open looking into this.  To suggest otherwise was insulting to me, as I thought you knew me to be the thoughtful, analytical person I am.

I'd like to remind you, as I pointed out in subsequent communications, that I know your thoughts on the Mommy Wars quite well; as a result, I did not seek your advice or blessing regarding my potential return to work.

I also did not seek your encouragement after my child let it slip that we needed prayers because mom didn't get the job she was seeking.  But I got it.  Ninety minutes of it.

Work in Progress

I'm working on a post, but it keeps getting too long and Lifetime Movie like on me.

It's about going from being concerned about body image to having what I'd like to call a healthy body "perspective."

So, don't leave me - I'm just wrestling the words out and editing them.

I'll have a Foodie Friday for tomorrow, and then I'm going to be getting wedding'd out for my little sister.

Peace,



© 2006-present Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Because I Can't Rearrange My Furniture as Often as I'd Like

I like to change things up.

Often.

I used to be a person who rearranged her furniture fairly frequently just to keep things "new;" however, the dimensions of the rooms in our home prevent me from doing this ever frequently.

So....I rearrange the next best thing VERY frequently:

My blog!

Why not, right?

In December I switched over to WordPress because of some features that looked attractive to me.

But truthfully, I didn't blog nearly as often because I.  Just.  Couldn't.  Figure.  It.  Out!!  Different nuances in text appearance, how to color up my blog with a template I loved, and other such things kept me from feeling completely at home there.

And I couldn't have my Blogher ads on my blog there (am working on getting them reinstated - got motivated after just recently getting another check from them) either.

But most of all, after 4 years of blogging (aack!) I just love Blogger and am happy to be using their platform again - with one major change, though!  I finally bought my own domain! 

www.ramblinred.com

Bookmark it and come back to visit often!



© 2006-present Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Been a Little While...

[taps] Is this thing on?

So, yeah, it's been a loooooooooong time since I sat down and pounded a keyboard.

Why so long?

Maybe because everything in the world has been on my shoulders and because I've been living the life of an ostrich (i.e. my head has been covered by sand, into which said head was thrust in hopes of acquiring the bliss said to be brought with ignorance)?

Maybe because everything is both so very right and yet so very wrong at the same time?

Maybe because I'm not at all anonymous in my blogging anymore, as my blog, due to a thoughtless click of a button, is now shared with all facebook friends, read: IRL people who KNOW me, or at least KNEW me at some point in time and not the random strangers or friends that the internet has offered me over the years. Funny, I used to think that I had carte blanche to say whatever I wanted when I was pseudo-anonymous (total anonymity is a farce, right?), but now I find myself censoring, wondering "What would that person think of me if I used PG-13 language," or "Would this hurt so-and-so's feelings?" or "Could this potentially be misinterpreted and held against me?"

I've been sick lately, so running has been out (and even if not sick, this week's arctic temps have kept me confined as I have a running partner who really needn't be exposed to brrr-freaking-cold air for the heck of it). Running has sort of taken the place of blogging as my sounding-off, head-clearing activity. Sort of. In that usually when I'm sounding off while running it is a sort of dialog between me and God. Not always verbalized, but a consciousness of themes and events in life that seems to make its way to Him in a Romans 8:26 fashion.

Money sucks. I hate this necessary evil with every fiber of my being. Yes, we are struggling. Yes, we have made dumb mistakes, repetitively even. Yes, some of the burdens were beyond our control, but no, we have not made the sacrifices we probably needed to to make ends meet. Relatively speaking, we are probably better off than many Americans, but personally, I hate this place we are in. I vacillate between thinking that I ought to go back to work and realizing that even if I could find something right now it probably would only cover childcare and possibly insurance. In other words, me working is not the magic cure-all.

Lil Guy is growing faster than I'd like. He's sitting up and starting to army crawl quite frequently now. He's my joy-bringer, that one. His smile, often accompanied by this one raised eyebrow thing that he does that implies a deeper understanding of the circumstance at hand than that possible of an infant, melts so much of the gray of life away that I wish I could just bottle it up for those all-too-frequent mentally rainy days.

Well, Lil Guy is awakened, so this is it for now.






© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Not Me! Monday - 6.15.09

Recently my friend Angela began blogging, and as often happens when one begins to read someone new, introductions to other, new-to-you bloggers are made. Angela reads MckMama, who has this fabulous blog carnival/meme called:



MckMama explains:

Embarrassed that your child urinated in their pants at your mother in law's house?Ashamed about the cupcakes you ate for dinner? Would you like to hide the fact that you put your child to bed in their dirty clothes from the day instead of in clean pajamas? We'll don't be! Not Me! Monday was born out of my desire to admit some of my imperfections and reveal a few moments I'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!

So without further ado, here's my attempt at my first Not Me! Monday

I definitely did not, in effort to boost my protein intake as recommended by a home health nurse, take out my [realtively] new Food Network blender (read: not cheap), throw some protein powder, milk, peanut butter and a banana in and proceed to blend without first remembering that the seal was not in place, but had been thrown in the blender by Someone (Not Me!) last time it was washed. I definitely did not put 2 and 2 together when the smoothie oozed all over out the bottom, and, because this didn't happen to me, I did not later fish out the shredded bands that were once the seal to my beloved blender with a saddened heart. That would be completely boneheaded!

I surely didn't place a towel on the sheet and sleep on it the other night when Lil Guy decided to wet my bed, and also proceeded to spit up like Mt. Vesuvius, during a midnight diaper change. Further, I didn't continue to sleep like this for a few more days before changing the sheets - that would be disgusting!

Finally, I definitely have NOT been eating family size servings of the desserts that have come with the meals people have been bringing over. For example, an entire pan of brownies (that the family never even got to taste) disappeared over the course of 2 days, and I definitely did NOT eat them ALL.

Or maybe I did and that is why the pregnancy weight is no longer falling off me ;)

© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Over the course of the last 31 days

I have:

• Welcomed my 3rd baby into the world -5:31pm on April 25th
• Survived the newborn haze and felt exceptionally good
• Managed to catch pneumonia, which developed into pleural empyema
• Was hospitalized for 12 days, during which my chest cavity was cut open, ribs spread and all the empyema gunk was scraped out
• With the advocacy of the lactation dept, was able to select meds that were nursing friendly and have successfully continued to breast feed
• Returned home last night

There is a lot to share, friends, like the beautiful birth story, the love of Christ that our church poured over us through the hospitalization, my incision pics (not for the faint of heart), etc, etc.

In the meantime, there is a lot that I have missed, too and I will slowly but surely try to catch up.

Merry Christmas, Y'all!

We've officially "done" Christmas with both sets of parents and we are officially blessed with loving, kind, and thoughtful family.

On both sides.

Loving life.

Hoping the same for all of you!



© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Brain Dump: A Blogging Free For All

I started the below post 2 weeks ago...I feel like I'm losing my blogging mojo.

I've had so much stuff rolling around in my head lately that it's caused severe anoblogia.

an·o·blog·i·a (ān'ə-blog'ē-ə)
n.

1. Loss of blogging appetite, especially as a result of overwhelm.
2. Similar to anorexia nervosa, when one is afflicted with anoblogia, one thinks about blogging (eating) obsessively; however, cannot bring oneself to blog (eat)

I'm quitting my job in 3 weeks less than a week. The 19th is my last day. I am having trouble wrapping my head around it - despite the frantic brain dumps I've been doing for my possible soon to be successor. (THAT was quite a story too - after much drama, a hiring freeze being implemented the day after the posting for my job closed, and again, drama - they finally decided to hire someone to fill my spot)

There has been much to do at work to tie things up...and thus no goofing off and blogging in the interim....

Because at home I've been desperately trying to get my lia sophia business up and going (Excellent Beginnings goal is probably easier to achieve any month but December - duh). But, I made my goal at the 11th hour and I'm so proud!! Now I can breathe a bit and get my house cleaned, because if ya'll thought this place was suffering, you ain't seen nuthin'.

My house is a disaster. But it is getting there. When I'm home and the holiday rush is over - this place is going to be a clean machine. I can't wait.

I've been doing too much in life, juggling too much trying to go through the motions and avoid the emotions, I think. I'm looking forward to rediscovering who I am supposed to be in this world - or wait, do we ever find that out?

Charlie Brown and I are doing good - found out yesterday (really - this part was not written earlier) that the baby is a boy - which is great, of course - no pleas from the children to send it back, as they were both hoping for a brother. He has an in utero nick-name of Bud now because the u/s tech announced that he was 12 oz, the weight of a soda (or a beer in this case).

My writing is suffering in my absence - I feel like this reads similarly to a 5th grade book report. Will improve, I promise.

Have had some funny pregnancy dreams this go round and will be sharing them with y'all shortly - good for a snicker or two.

Well, must go - have chores and bathing children to attend to before going to a Christmas party tonight.

Ciao....




© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Indulge Me, Dear Readers....

Blogger has a new "Follower" Gadget that I've put in on my sidebar. Currently, it just looks like a bunch of blah-blah because no one is "following" my blog. To follow a person's blog, all it does it put your blogger profile pic in a little diagramy thing that looks like I have friends. So click away and become a follower!



© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

It Ain't Easy Being Queasy and Other Preggo Whines

This morning I woke up with hands that looked like the Stay Puft Marshmello Man's, and because they were so ginormously swollen, they ITCHED terribly. So badly, that both Charlie Brown and I laughed about just what activity may have caused this....ahem. My new James Avery ring, that I've been intermittently changing from wearing on my index finger to my middle finger, was barely budging off my middle finger. My hands were huge and painful.

Then the queasies....I've been actually sick about every other day for a week now - but the nausea is a daily occurrence that usually subsides about noon. This morning was a throw-up day (not by some psycho-somatic schedule, but by actually happening) and after the first heave, I saw some stars dancing around my head. Having experienced edema, changes in visual field and more woefully preeclamptic symptoms while pregnant with LMNOB (who was consequently induced lest I go into eclamptic seizures) I felt my red flags go up....briefly. Because, I would later remember, preeclampsia doesn't usually show up until 20wks or more in a pregnancy. And I'm only 7 wks. So I was left thinking: WTH?

Then, as I swapped roles with the toilet - from bowing down to sitting on it - I realized that my downstairs' flora has, erm, become a bit overgrown, if ya know what I mean. Just because there is a bun in the oven, in my opinion, that is no reason to have yeast overflowing. ANNNNNNNNND - the worst of all that is that I'm out of commission for a week b/c the doc says Monistat 7 is the only way to go whilst pg. No fair!

Hmmm....what else is there to whine about?

My hair - yes my hair. My normally very compliant with heat, gloriously bodied and voluminous hair has decided to rebel against me. Every morning is a battle, and given that my energy is in the tanks, the hair usually wins. And the shade appears to have changed - people keep asking me if I've lightened it and I'm all, "people, I haven't done a damned thing to it - it has a mind of its own lately."

At work the office across the hall from mine insists on burning the remaining coffee in the pot each day - which helps my queasies NONE.

I'm tired. I'm cranky. And while this baby is so something that I want and love - I just need a break. I need to take a full day off and just sleep. But for me to feel as if I could do that, I would probably need a maid to come in and overhaul my house first so that I could rest in peace without feeling as if I needed to "just do this one thing..." before going to bed.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!


© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

P.S. I called my doc about the preeclampsia worries, and she seemed to think it was all dehydration-related. She told me to check my BP at the pharmacy where I was getting my Monistat from and if it was normal, to just hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. BP was normal at 121/75 so I'm drinking ginger ale and gatorade as much as I can stomach it.

Me, in a nutshell...sort of

I saw this test over at Our Crooked Tree, and being the psychology nut I am, I had to do it. It pretty much sums me up.

Those stalkers out there might be going, "Hey, I thought you were an ESFJ?" and they'd be right, too. You see, I am so borderline on the Sensing/iNtuitive Perceiving/Judging categories that I flip flop between them often - depending on the mood/hormonal state I am in.

Without further ado, I bring you, Things You Never Quite Had Spelled Out About Heather, But Probably Had Assumed As Much (with commentary):

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. (Shock, huh?) You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules. (Didn't I just basically say this the other day? Also, unimpressed with does not mean disrespectful of - I'm a good little rule following girl at heart, even if I don't like 'em) Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. (I'm reminded of Charlie Brown saying I had BS Radar) You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller! (Surely this is true, lest you wouldn't be here) In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart. (:batting my eyes: why yes, I do think this is accurate) You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts. (I'm hoping that this means that while I'm totally true blue to my friends/family, see above, I do have a tendency to wonder "what if?" and play around - IN MY MIND & HARMLESSLY) At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do. (Generally speaking, yes. Sometimes I press that boundary between driven and workaholism) You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. (Hee....MPA candidate experienced in non-profit and gov't sectors who is going to be self-employed in the future, hmm, not too far off the mark eh?) How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding (I struggle with the second one from time to time, but mostly, this is a resounding yes) When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused (Totally on the first two, and ironically enough, given the whole driven thing, the latter sometimes is also true)

What's Your Personality Type?

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Brilliant!

Folks, this "Brilliant" thing is no longer just between me and Charlie Brown.

Apparently, the lovely Soliloquy has deemed me as brilliant with this little gem:

She says it is because of this post, because she "wouldn't dare dream of" writing such a thing, but really, I think it's because she tried the stuff :wink, wink, nod nod:. Oh, yeah...she is just thanking me for enhancing her life.

I have to pass it along now, but the problem is that I only get to pass it to one person. This is painful to make such an exclusive decision!

But, really....I'd like to bestow the award to Brillig at 'Twas Brillig - she has the brilliant gift of parodying Shakespearean lit with trials of motherhood.

And that's all. Happy Monday!



© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Mission: Capture the Moment

Because what spunky red-head worth her salt can resist a dare?

And because several of my bloggies have been brave enough to do this - so must I then...

The Mission:

Your mission, should you choose to accept it: Post a photo of yourself taken right now. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, grab a camera and snap. No retouching, just the rawness of a moment in time. Then post your photo on flickr or your blog/site, and share the link in comments here.
Ready? GO.

Taken at 12:30 pm Friday, just after sitting at the kitchen table with lappy - to do school work.

But then I got a call from some attorney in California, asking for Charlie Brown or Heather Meyer - told him that he had the H factor of that equation, and then he goes all, "I need to talk to your father in law about a legal matter."

"Uh, well he's never lived here - he lives over on the other side of the mountains from here."

"Oh, uh, I think I may have the wrong Meyer's then. Your father-in-law isn't Robert Meyer is it?"

"Nope!"

So yeah...schoolwork. That sounds fun, but let me just check out Becky first....

And here we are.

I have make-up on, but only because I thought I was going to the office today - but LMNOB is hacking worse than Thelma and Selma, so, home we are.

My hairs in the front are all askew b/c I just got done sweeping/mopping the downstairs.

And do I look tired? Because I am. It's Friday though, yay!



© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Home Again

5 days gone with very few check-ins.

Got lots of catch-up at work for sure, and laundry. Always laundry.

The meds are kicking in, slowly but surely. My period started today so that always throws things, but meh....

Will update with something much more fascinating soon.



© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

It felt like Armageddon

Six tornado touch downs occurred in my part of Colorado and the Southern tip of Wyoming today.

Each system was very large and in the F3 category.

This is un-freaking heard of in our neck of the woods!

We are ok, but members of Casa del Meyer were in varying stages of lockdown at work, school and daycare today. And that was pretty dang scary.

After the weather cleared up this afternoon, we hightailed it to C-town to visit our family for an extended holiday weekend. Where it's flooding.

Always an adventure.


© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Words for Me: Week of 5/12

Again, D.K. Brainard’s words leave me speechless:

Taurus –

You have oodles of personal power now, with the mighty Sun and Venus lighting up your sign for the next eight days. This is an excellent time to take action on the insight, resolution or "seed idea" that came up at last week's Taurus New Moon -- the Sun in your sign is giving you exceptional energy and Venus is blessing you with an aura of beauty and desirability. If you can imagine it, you can probably pull together the resources (human and financial) to pull it off. One thing to watch out for: with Mars in your 4th House of home, family, and emotional make-up now, you could be wearing your emotions on your sleeve without realizing it. Remember that upsets or conflicts involving your home and family are always created by unconscious emotional habit patterns that you have yet to resolve in your own psyche.

That last part was Saturday night at our place.

More to come on that.

Decluttering and Other Bloggy Miscellany....

So the Google ads are gone.

Three of the four ads on the banner were pornographic, when I specifically stated I would not host those kinds of ads. Also, is "lesbianity" a real word? Seriously, ya'll it was bad.

I'm going to be playing around with the colors and all that jazz, cuz I want something a little more 3-dimensional and real looking - and will continue to declutter in my blog roll, bling, etc.

In other bloggy areas....

I had someone specifically query for my site from UC-Davis today....

I kept thinking, who do I know there that would be looking for me? I don't know, but it's kind of unsettling. I mean I know who most of my regulars are on statcounter, and most random googlers are looking for a topic, but not ME.

(Side note: I had someone with the ISP ID'd as The Denver Broncos reading fairly consistently a month or so ago - that was kinda cool, but alas, I haven't seen them around lately)

Then again tonight, some one in Longmont (or at least in CO - Comcast ISP's are screwy) Googled just for my site:

I *think* I know who this one is. I have two guesses: 1.) a former colleague whose e-mail announcing she would be graduating from law school I replied to today, or 2.) a certain local someone who crossed my mind today...and whom I miss frequently. It's kind of wishful thinking for the latter, just to prove that connection we have, but no matter....

Again it's just weird when it is not a "regular" but not someone who just stumbled onto me either....

So give a shout out, if you're here again, will ya?

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Feeling Like a Popular Kid

For one of the first times in my life.

Several days in a row, people have taken note of my "fashionable ensem's" and "rockin' hair" which just makes me swoon, because I am so in need of external validation these days. Even if it is shallow and based on my appearance. I'll take it!

And if that weren't enough, I have been ranked 10th out of the Women community at Cre8Buzz for TWO THREE DAYS STRAIGHT! I haven't quite figured that one out yet as I am not a great Buzzer - heck I haven't been a good bloggy lately, lurking but not really commenting that much - AND my hits have been low lately, but I'll take it.

AND...

Cyndy gave me this recently:



Yeah, took me long enough, I know, see above!

This was really sweet, Cyndy, given my recent Eeyore-like writings. (BTW everyone, guess who began her visit yesterday? Yeah. So let's see the PMS thing is turning very PMDD over recent months. Yes I will be talking to the doc soon)

So...now I gotta pay it forward to 10 other bloggers....

*Becky* - where else can I read about a darling little boy who declares that calcium is his 6th favorite word? And, I get your dysfunctions, hon, cuz I got 'em myself!

Jen - babe, you get the award for aesthetics alone (and not just for your cute scrappy stuff, but for your adorable smiling face too! Gorgeous, doll!), but then you go and one-up that blog with your sassy little 'tude, K-lish and well, I'm in love.

Princess in Galoshes - I swear we must be long lost fraternal twin sisters. She got the long end of the pretty stick, though. The princess curses more than I do, but it's ok because it is freakin' hilarious.

(sensing a pattern? I likes me some sassy humor)

Liz - Girl is smart, and pursuing a psych degree. Why wouldn't I like her?

Heather - Girl you are like the energizer bunny...at least that's what reading you does for me. Picks me up, makes my day. Even if I don't always comment.

Piper - Another long-lost twin out there....Piper needs to come home to the Fort and be my neighbor! ;)

Huckdoll - She talks like she's all bad and has reason to too, but she's got heart thru and thru. I love that. Plus she's in the Pacific NW, albeit on the Canadian angle. And that part of the country has my heart.

Brillig - Super smart, tons o' fun and just plain relatable for me.

Lynne - Though not a frequent flier when it comes to posting on the blogosphere, every last post is so good :) Plus, she's one of my girls.

And Andrea....Andrea is hilariously zany....has made me spit out so many liquids while reading that I now refrain from eating/drinking near her blog.

So, there, I've shared the love. Pass it on, ya'll




© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

I've Got the Blahs

Where hast my motivation gone?

Alas! Alas! I cannot find it.

Not hither, not thither.

And thus no work gets done, my brain goes numb,

And fatty carbs help me mind it.

Crappy prose, I know.

But it captures life for me for the past several weeks.

I'm just not motivated to do ANYthing. Hiding from God, myself, and work.

Eating to medicate.

I stepped on the scale this morning and I'm in a new weight class.

I have to stop this pattern.

But that would require motivation.

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

How This All Got Started...

Eight years ago, I was not yet pregnant with Kelsey, and just about to turn 21.

I thought I had my future all mapped out. I had the hubs, had gotten some great "real-world" experience working at CSU's Financial Aid office through school, and had only to get thru summer school and the next fall semester before I would be the first in my family to graduate with a college degree. The icing on that cake was that I was looking into and preparing to appy for graduate programs. I was gonna BE someone, damn it!

On July 3, 2000 - that all changed.

At a time in my life where everyone else was so proud to flash their ID in a public place, to be able to drink and live it up, the only ale I was drinking was ginger - kept the morning sickness at bay.

Most women I know talk wistfully about their pregnancies like they were their personal "best of times, and the worst of times," with all the awe-struck, romantic notions of motherhood and physical discomforts.

It was a time that was lonely as hell for me.

My peers did not remotely have the same reference as I suddenly faced. I had no friends from high-school, having been "the new kid" that didn't fit the mold.

I was scared witless about our financial future. This baby had not been in the cards, man - I was supposed to have graduated, gotten further education, and landed a healthy salary as a psychologist before we even thought about having kids. Ha! The joke was on me...

So I ventured into the still young, mysterious space known as the world wide web, and found a niche. Ivillage had a message board for women who were expecting babies due in March, 2001. I was the next-to-youngest girl on the board, but these women took me in and rode the turbulent sea of hormones that is pregnancy with me.

After the babies were all born, some of us descended into the depths of post-partum depression, we all stuggled with the transition of adding a new family member. Some of us experienced the hell of divorce; others felt achingly empty after their new babies, that they'd grown with us, closed their eyes for the last time, never to be held by their mamas again. Some of us mourned the loss of our dreams of their baby's "normal" life when the word "Autism" escaped the doctors' lips. We proudly relayed each milestone, worried together, and just were there for each other like friends are. Many of us went on to have subsequent babies, and have said that other boards, "weren't quite the same."

Eight years later, we've dropped the "IRL" friends distinction, and call a spade a spade. We're truly sisters, related through motherhood. Some of us are closer than others. Some have disappeared. But we're all still in this together. Because of and through the internet, I have a set of friends who've known me longer than anyone else excepting my family has. Who'd have thunk it?

But even so......

My marriage is so not perfect. (It has since improved, however). I don't know anyone's whose is, but when yours is in constant upheaval and others are just so...."normal?" a message board just doesn't seem to be the suitable place to process it.

...and....

I still haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up, or who God wants me to be, and just how to reconcile those two yet. Those are conversations that don't juxtapose with ease right next to discussions about sippy cups, Pull-ups, and time-outs.

...and....

I am prone to depression - a perfect nature and nurture cocktail of family heredity plus family history makes me a certifiable loon from time to time. And while mental health has its place on a parenting board, it isn't always a fit, ya know? Two years ago, I hit the hardest depression I've experienced thus far in life - and I've had some doozies - and I decided I needed an outlet.

Not a journal - journaling for me has always been one-dimensional. I'm a pretty self-aware person, and to write down on paper what I already know and leave it at that....well, it's always fallen a bit flat for me.

I visited an ivillage friend's blog, and fell in love with this new medium where others can validate, debate, and just acknowledge your thoughts.

And thus, here I am.

Shallow or deep.

Sane or insane.

Secular or Spiritual.

Parenting or Seeking Myself.

Happy or Sad.

Fair or Unfair.

One-Sided or Balanced.

Plain Jane Writing or Aspiring Novelist.

Just a Person or I'm Going to Be Someone Damn It!

Take Me As I AM or Trying on Some New Friends.

And here are all of you.

Just like my March 01 Mommies, I have my Bloggies, and you ARE important...You keep me sane, buoyed, encouraged, entertained, informed, and so much more!

I'm wishing myself a happy 2nd Bloggiversary, ya'll. C'mon in and join the party.