Sunday, January 24, 2010

Returned; Tomorrow's Troubles

Suffice to say that my protected post was re: a completely hypothetical scenario wherein I would be offered a job that was once [possibly still may yet be] on a list under the header of "Dream Jobs."

That post was highly impulsive and very much me thinking, not even thinking per se - more like conjecturing - out loud, given a recent turn of events.

I have NOT been offered a job.

The necessary events for me to be offered said hypothetical job have NOT yet even occurred, nor is it for sure that they would - but there is potential.

So you see, just me being wildly imaginative - and given this part of my post:
So – setting the stage…..

#1.) I shocked myself and everyone around me when I gave up put on hold my career aspirations to have a 3rd child and stay at home with him and be more present with my school-agers. It’s not been easy, but since when is sacrificing one’s self for the well-being of others, namely their loved ones, an EASY thing? I mean if it were so easy, we’d have more intact families, less greed, a kinder – more courteous society, etc, etc, right? Anyway, again, it has been the kind of hard that makes me feel as if each day I’ve run a mental marathon, given my bend toward validation, ambition, and accomplishment. Despite the inner turmoil of my constant shadow-boxing, there have been significant rewards. I’m watching Kelsey and Colton not only grow, but THRIVE. I get to see every little new thing (including Christopher’s first time at clapping a couple of weeks ago – so sweet!) that my baby is doing and not hear about it second hand. Most of all, I feel as if Seth and I have really grown together as a couple. I’ve felt God sending reinforcement to me every time I get weak and doubtful. Because there are those times. Especially when the money runs out – which it has done several times since we had a little monkey wrench thrown in for good measure with me getting gravely sick, sans insurance, last spring. Time after time I sit and look at the bills and say, “We have more expenses than income – this is NOT working,” and then an unexpected bonus comes at Seth’s work (or a loan that we’ve taken out, or me selling my maternity clothes, or etc) and we struggle to claw ourselves back up to heads [barely] above water. Right now that magic money that will catch us back up is our tax refund, so I vigilantly watch the mailbox for the last of the necessary tax documents to file our return. Again, despite the stress of all this, Seth and I remain close and are somehow (seriously, it is a mystery to me!) ok with each other and not mad or resentful toward the other for our current financial state. God is really blessing us in this area! But the checkbook looks bleak right now, to the point of me wondering about getting an overnight position somewhere to bring in some extra cash and yet not compromise the good thing we’ve got going at home.
Given that part, let's just say that I was stressed about finances right before this glimmer of probability even entered my mind - thus putting me in a suggestive state of mind re: the whole return to work idea.

Here's the thing - I don't really want to. There, I said it. I, a former Ms. Ain't No Man Gonna Keep ME Down Ain't No Kids Gonna Keep Me From Being Successful brand of feminist, have (despite some struggle with that former mindset + financial hardship + some strong-willed children) actually grown to love this SAHM gig. The duties are not so great sometimes, but the pay - seeing my kids THRIVE, having the energy and time to spend a whole day baking for a Girl Scout activity on a moment's notice (a whole other post of its own merit), reaching a new level of spiritual and marital fulfillment, etc., etc. - yeah, the pay is phenomenal.

After I wrote that post and actually thought more I realized, Oh yeah, summer daycare x 3 = no M-F 9-5 job will pay enough! Duh. And that's just a starting point of why it wouldn't actually work for me to go back to a day-job (FT or even PT). For now, at least. Not to mention the loss of all those other things I mentioned above (so many intangibles are wrapped up in the etc., etc., folks!) In a few years when Christopher is school-aged, it may make sense to reevaluate.

So...I spent a heck of a lot of time worrying about something that isn't even yet a reality (typical of me), sucked some of you all into it with me, and it was all completely needless, lol. I'm reminded of Matthew 6: 25-34 (Seriously I should tattoo this one on the back of my eyelids, I forget it all too easily), particularly verses 27 and 34 [emphases mine]:
27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]?


34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
So....that's all on that for now. I'm done borrowing tomorrow's troubles - they are now returned to the worry library for other doubters to check out.

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