Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Circular Arguments


Casa del Meyer living room, after children have been put to rest for the night.

Book from the library, with a rather pointed title, pointing to the same issue which the Missus has made several passing comments about over the past month, which has really been an off and on again issue since Christopher's birth, lays on the coffee table.

Me: So, uh, I got this book [nods in direction of the coffee table] at the library yesterday.  I, uh, was looking for this other book and saw it, and thought it might be helpful in sparking some discussion, as my attempts to clearly have dead-ended.  I'm frustrated that we can't talk, constructively, about this issue and well, I thought maybe we could read the book together?

Seth: Well, uh, I'm not really a book kinda guy.

Me: I'm aware, but I'm asking you to be.  Or to at least dialogue with me about the issue.


More Silence.

I open my mouth to say something.  But don't - the air catches in my throat.  A few times.


Me: See?!?  That's what I'm talking about!  I'm trying to go about this the "right" way [this is replete with air quotes from me because I'm really frustrated at the lack of dialogue when I've tried to initiate conversations on the subject several times before and this is just turning out to be an encore performance] and you still won't talk, or even acknowledge that you might, someday, eventually talk with me about this.

Seth: Well, I don't really get the big deal.  And., it's not really very fair to me that you stew all day or all week, or what have you about whatever the issue of the day is and then I have to have all the answers for you the minute you want to talk about it.

Me: I don't really see that it's me stewing about it when I ask you to think about it and we can discuss at a later time, but hey, that's just me.

More words are said, but I go to bed feeling defeated.

And more unattractive and undesirable than ever.

Because really, should it be this hard [sorry, double entendre there] difficult?

A few days later.

Me: So, I get that you're not a book guy, and I said that's cool, if we can at least talk about it, and I was wondering if you will talk with me now?

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I do not feel that the issue, which is not a make-the-marriage-or-break-it issue [right now] but is nonetheless important to me, is resolved.  In fact, it just makes me feel as if anytime I bring an issue to light, need not be this issue per se, and get the ole "I haven't had time to think about it," response that basically means we will be fighting the same circular arguments thru time immemorial. We really are doing pretty good with each other, but I feel like this is foundational erosion and we need to be on guard.

And it makes me feel disconnected from my husband.

And not pretty/attractive/desirable/feminine despite significant efforts :ahem, 40 lbs and counting! weight loss: over the past year to be those things.

And disregarded - that I have had the willingness to make myself vulnerable and share my heart with him, and he has, in essence, ignored me.

I am fairly certain like 99% sure that his disinterest is not due to the same things it has been in the past - which is a huge blessing - but this unwillingness to change the tides is really frustrating.

Especially since I'm peaking, so to speak.  :blush: 

In the meantime, we do have a retreat we're going to, sans kids, this weekend in beautiful Estes Park - so maybe there will be sparks in the free time we have ;)

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  1. Sorry. That's a bummer. One trick I learned when you want to talk about something is to bring up the subject in the car (sans kids) so you don't have to "look" at each other. It somehow feels a little safer that way.

    A couple of other ideas that pop into mind: The Love Dare (Focus on what and how you are doing things for him, with God, etc. I've heard of great results with this, including one marriage reconciliation.) Also, Have you read the 5 Love Languages? If S isn't a talker do you know what his love language is? The premise is that if you fill him up with what makes him feel loved then he will be able to give you what you need. An UPWARD spiral, if you will, versus the downward one that you describe here. Another book that I loved is Men, Sex, and God by Doug Weiss. Really good-about how men are 'sexualized' in our culture, what the bible says about it. I really learned about sexuality in general when reading that one.

    Have fun this weekend. Can you believe I've never been to Estes?

  2. I came over from the BlogHer post. Man did this hit home. I feel like I'm hitting my peak, too.. and things at home are............lackluster. I've tried everything I know how to just make it better and nothing is working.
    I sure hope you guys figure something out!

  3. @ HM - I SO do the car thing too, when we can. It is a rare thing for both of us to be in the car sans kids these days. I know the 5 love languages and he does too, but the thing is that as you go thru ages and stages sometimes they change for you/your mate - I'm thinking this has occurred because what has worked in the past is not cuttin' it right now - which means....we need to talk and identify these things again for each other. We're really quite good in all other areas right now and we're not NOT doing it, it's just we're out of sync right now and I do NOT like!

    @ Trish, thanks for stopping by. I have more to say on this - our church study on Song of Solomon pretty much laid the matter open for me on Weds. night - just haven't had time to blog about it. Stay tuned!

  4. My husband always tells me I'm the guy in the relationship because I have the libido of a 17 year old boy. Psh SO WHAT! Keep up dude!

    I'm doing a give away and trust me you want to enter.