On coming back

It's me sitting in the gray loveseat that swallows me up every time I visit, my left leg tucked under me. I have so much energy and the words, they are flowing. I'm talking and talking, and talking so much. The filler words are not as prevalent because my thoughts are ordered and navigable.

He asks, "So is it incremental, like each day gets a little better, or a more dramatic epiphany of  'OMG, my brain is back?''

"It depends," I shrug. "Sometimes it's both. Sometimes I just fake it - being functional, ignoring the feelings - that I don't even see when it happens or even have an aha, it just becomes. This time though, like whoa, I got so much shit done for my final paper - and it's just like, so amazing because this time last week, I didn't know what I even would write. Hadn't done my lit review, no clear hypothesis of research questions to guide me, and now? I'm almost done. It feels good to be back."


It's when every ounce of my being wants nothing more than to DEEP clean this house - like dusting ceiling fans and scrubbing baseboards kind of fun -  but I need to hit the term paper (miraculously cranked out this week, per above) with revisions, data (I FOUND IT!!!), and reorganizing my sections, as well as my methods final, and being able to say to myself, "Self, you are on deadline, and you will have time to do all that cleaning when you're on Christmas vacation.

It's having the presence of mind - that executive functioning stuff is so critical - to create a plan and stick to it.

*Really, I'm not that person, where is this intense desire to clean even coming from?

********************************************

It's me laughing with my teens about the very awkward conversation we are having, and thinking, "These. These are those moments you will miss. They do exist," with a smile.

It's getting excited about the work you're doing and feeling the thrill of fresh ideas.

It's wanting to invest time and effort into my hair, clothes, and outfits again.

And so much more.

At the intersections of mother, wife, employee, grad student, woman, and a jillion other hats I wear, I'm thankful for modern medicine. It's brought me back, time and time again.