Sunday, August 13, 2006

Pity Party straight ahead

Note: My monthly visitor has made her appearance. That said, I am well aware that anything I say below can, but should NOT be used against me in the court of matrimony. I am also very well aware that you all will probably see right through my very biased rendition of current events and will tell me to quit my whining, and I will - but first I must purge the frustrations.

Charlie Brown, you're a blockhead!, er, my love bank is in dire need of a deposit.

I normally only post glowing things about my husband here, but we've been slowly descending into a valley, from a peak experience in our marriage. I knew it would come, it always does. And, I know it's bound to swing back up again, particularly since I can see the light at the end of the FT employment tunnel. But for now, I must vent this crap out of me - lest it rot my outlook on yet another week, day, hour. Chances are, I'll write this all out and then be fine by this evening.

Last weekend he went backpacking, and he had a great time. I actually had a pretty good time with the kiddos too, suprisingly- given how things started out.

When he returned, save for the laundry folding assembly line I had going on - a must since the once mountainous pile of dirty laundry was now all clean- the house was spotless. Did he say anything?

Pppppfffffffffftttttttttt! Haha, you must be joking, after all this stuff does happen on its own - what's the big deal?

Then, the little seemed like all week long we just bickered at each other, little jibs and jabs here and there. Neither of us had much patience for the other, but, I must say, it was mostly him. For instance, he'd make a remark with a sour tone and I would get all, "Hey, what's that all about Mr. Cranky Pants?" in a light bantery way. But, he'd have none of it and soon the conversation would travle down the bickering path.

We tried the reconnect with each other number, but it was just too hot that night and we both pushed each other away. (I'm convinced Satan knew when to crank the blasted heat up - à la the sea creatures ruining things for Ariel and Eric in the Little Mermaid - b/c he knows prolonged abstinence from intimacy can wreak havoc with couples)

The other thing that got me this week was his emotional distance.
Hi honey, how was your day?
Yeah...grunt grunt....
So, uh.... no details?
Would you get off my back?!?
Gee, somebody's a Crabby Patty...
I am NOT!
Ok, you're right, must just be my imagination...
Note to self: that last one just puts lighter fluid on a smoldering spark, and BAM! There goes the night.

He's been so quiet, and slowly it dawned on me that he's working something really important out in his head...which is usually fine, except that these things always put me on an orange level alert for sin in his life, given our history. In other words, I then begin to stress about his apparent stress, and historically, if I say anything before he is good and ready to address it, I soon become an emotional punching bag. Soooo, I waited. Rather uneasily. And I got on edge, not to mention I was premenstrual.

I'm sorry guys, I know you don't understand. Married guys think they understand, but it's an awful roller coaster of emotions that leaves me screaming, "I WANT OFF NOW!" Even while on antidepressants, I'd be fine 3 weeks out of the month, but that one? Always makes me think, "Damn Eve and her stupidity for listening to that stupid snake....had to go and ruin it for the rest of us women, forever. Thanks a lot, sister."

We went for a family hike yesterday (Sat.), and were gone all day. Today was church, and upon arriving to our home, in sore need of a thorough cleaning, I, in need of preparing food for our Life Group, felt hugely overwhelmed. Not to mention crampy, sore, and totally fatigued because of menstrual anemia.

Charlie Brown announced, "While the kids are sleeping, I'm going to hit a bucket of [golf] balls." (He has a tournament next Sunday with his work friends - Chuck is not an experienced golfer, either).

I know it was unloving, spiteful and over the top of me, but I was maxed out.

"Have fun and enjoy, dear. I'm going to clean the pit, then I'm going to cook, then we'll leave when you come back."

"What's your problem?"

I cracked. "You've been a bear. All. Week. Long. Ihavetwoweeksuntilthishomelesscount, and NO ONE is responding like they should. Our house is a wreck, and it's SUNDAY - I need A BREAK. You were gone all of last weekend, the time that we could be alone together today - you're leaving, and you'll be gone next SUNDAY, leaving me to ready the kids and worship ALONE. And did I mention what a pit our house is? Or that I feel like a big pile of stinky crap?"

As he walked out the door, "Fine, I'll remember this while I'm at work tomorrow."

Oh yeah, throw that upper cut at me.

See I'm scheduled to be off work tomorrow since it's LMNOB's first day of school....EVER. But, you know, the facts that our house was not going to make it to the state of clean today - thus making all my to-do's tomorrow, Punkinhead was still going to need care - by yours truly, and a host of other things don't change his view of my day tomorrow. No, he sees it as a vacation. Hah! Don't even get me started.

I let him go, as I fumed about his total lack of appreciation of me. You know, it'd be nice every once in awhile to be appreciated - is that so much to ask? I conscientiously try to stay ahead of the game re: voicing my appreciation of him. I buy cards in advance (on good days) and periodically write in them and stash them in his lunches. I've told him, I'd love the same, both directly (in Dynamic Marriage) and indirectly. But, because that's not his love language, he doesn't go out of his way to try and speak in mine.


***Edited to add:

So tonight, we're at life group and Charlie Brown tells our host/hostess, "Yeah, I thought a lot about things on that [backpacking] trip. My mind's been going a million miles an hour this week, and there's a lot I need to change [for God]."

I simply said, "Well, if you could have enlightened me with that piece of insight, this week would have gone a lot differently."


  1. Love languages are revolutionary! Isnt it funny that they expect us to speak in theirs but they wont speak in ours? It must be a man thing! *HUGS* At least he recognizes he needs to make some more efforts.

  2. Big hugs . . . I hope this week goes better.

    You know, I was trying the leaving notes etc. thing for DH too, but it's not his love language either. It doesn't make him feel any more loved than his trying to communicate love in HIS language does for me, either. It's hard to retrain ourselves to speak in someone else's love language, isn't it?

  3. Sounds like a really rotten week.

    I hope he opens his eyes.