Deep Breath In - I've a LOT of Things I Want to Get Off my Chest....

Ready??????????????

First off....I'm in my original, white-trash state of mind today. What this means is that in the place of intelligent adjectives, my self-talk has been using the same, overdone and trite, but oh so cathartic to say, swear words. All. Day. Long. I hate that I revert to this when upset, but $#it happens, eh? I will spare you readers from this and try to cleverly alternate symbols with letters to get both the foul and the fine words communicated, on an "I'll read what I want to read into it" basis.

Hmmmm......

Now where to start? Mom, or Charlie Brown?

I suppose, since "She started it" in the sense of my beef with her came up first, and has continued to steadily brew, Mom goes first.

Now, if you are steady readers of my ramblings, you'll know that 23 days ago, I called my mother to get holiday scheduling ironed out. For those who aren't - here's a recap as the history is important.

Today....

The silence was broken. In the meantime, lots of unspoken messages were communicated. Nevertheless, today, I received this gem, subject line "The Holiday":

Hello-
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you! I know you called a couple of weeks ago to make plans and until today I didn’t know what plans would be.

Got that? Didn't know until today what her plans would be....also note, a couple weeks, instead of 3+...anyway, watch the detail, b/c it gets a bit confusing.

Here is what I have going on:

I am off on Thursday and we will be having dinner between 2:00 & 3:00.

I will be working at the office on Friday 8:00 to 5:00 and then I work at the bar 8:00 PM to 2:00 AM.

My shift at the restaurant starts at 4:00 on Saturday and ends at 2:00 AM.
That would leave Thursday to get together or Saturday afternoon to visit.

I know you said you wanted to negotiate time together. I was a little offended at that term, part of the reason I haven’t called, because I do not want to fight with you. It upsets me that you need to negotiate!!

So which is it? That you didn't know your plans, or that you would rather manipulate me with silence - oh so maturely - because your feelings were hurt over semantics. FUNK it all..... I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but it pi$$es me off that I have to negotiate, for a variety of reasons which stem from a diverse array of persons - so you're not alone, Ma, though once again, your feelings are numero freaking uno. My kids get tension and weird family dynamics b/c your feelings were hurt and you couldn't just suck it up to overlook a word (one that I thought would be rather neutral) that offended you and schedule things in advance, which is the real reason you didn't call - not this bunk about not knowing your schedule. Political correctness and worrying about what others find offensive is enough of a strain at work, I'm not willing to incorporate wordsmithing, beyond basic courtesies, into my communications with family.

As I have told you in the past, I have tried to do things that would not interfere with your other plans but my plans always get changed so this year I will tell you what I have going and you can decide time that you can spend with us.

Nice tactic - Mom. I can see right through the "ball's in your court" technique - but guess what? I already had that ball, gave it to you and you DROPPED it with this silly silent treatment game.

Anyway, I would love to see you and spend time with you and your family. Let me
know what works.
Have a great day!!
Love ya,
Mom

Oh, we're all sorts of sunshine and giggles and extra exclamation points again..... Oh bother!

I'm mad. Angry even. I put boundaries in place to BENEFIT her, and she's turned them around to make herself look the victim. The FUNK of it all is that she believes she is a victim - and her feelings are genuinely hurt. Which just sucks because I hate being perceived as cold or callous or mean.

I hate that she thinks I've "painted her out to be a monster on this blog" - which I never intended for her to read, but then oops, I let the URL out of the bag by sending her a funny Punkinhead story.

She's not a monster.

My mama is a loving woman who feels deeply. And I know that she loves me irrevocably. But she had some unspeakable things done to her as a child (which I should NOT, but do, know about), and they largely shaped her into the person she is today. I feel badly that she has to deal with that. Mom can be a fun person to be around, and when we have good times, they're good. For me, they're also pretty rare. I've mourned that my entire existance.

Mom, these words have been said by me to you before, but I want you to really hear them, please.

You did the best you could, the best you knew how to from the examples set before you. Those examples were not good enough and they failed you - you had to experience some sick $#it that makes my blood boil. I'm so sorry for that, but there is nothing I can do about that. And you tried to right some of those things. Some you got very right, like the times you held 3 jobs to keep our heads above water, and other times, like when you and all your friends would lock the laundry room door and smoke pot while we kids fended for ourselves, you failed like all those before you. Just because you got some of the things right does not mean I escaped my childhood unwounded.

And, just because I was wounded does not mean that those wounds have not healed - they have and I have accepted my scars for what they are. These scars are still there, and will always remind me that things weren't always as they shoud. But they don't hurt anymore, and they've faded - healed quite nicely, really. That's forgiveness, Mom! And as I've tried to offer it to you before, so it is here before you again. It doesn't change the past, it just says it is what it is.

What continues to plague me is the game that continues to be played by you. I don't do well with manipulation, Mom - it brings the absolute worst out in me. You should know that - it's been a key part of me for at least the last 20 of my 27 years.

I'm trying to be fair. And I wish you could know the blood, sweat and tears that goes into me trying to be fair - it's freaking hard stuff.....hard enough to be as sensitive as I am and fair with your kids, harder still to have to worry about dealing with "fair" for your parents.

Between you and Ryan, I stand defensive at all times....there is no soft place to fall (thanks Dr. Phil) for me with you - instead I fall and stand accused of bias against my family of origin, being cold and hateful, and unforgiving. Nothing could be further from the truth.

As it stands, I made Mrs. Charlie Brown Sr. hold off on Thanksgiving day plans until I'd heard from you...to a point. Last week when I hadn't heard from you, I told her to plan whatever for Thursday and we would work you in when we heard from you. She picked the same time as you have for festivities. As my new precedent stands (a la 3M's birthday), we'll work it in, and forego Thanksgiving day with you. It sucks to say that. But I'm sticking to my boundaries for all fairness' sake. So, I've already penciled in a morning and afternoon with you on Saturday - as that's what works.

And now...I'm through my little temper fit. It helps me to see the whole picture (as much as 1 person can, anyway) and remember that somwhere below all the games, my Mommy - who loves me dearly is in the words that get spoken (or unspoken in this case). We'll probably never have a "normal" relationship.....but, it is what it is.