Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Oh, Holy !@#$%!@*&^ I want to say a LOT of bad words

As in, that is my coping method of choice when completely overwhelmed.

And it's not a bad overwhelmed feeling, it's just BUSY. WTH? Like there is a GOOD feeling of overwhelmed? I don't even make any sense.

This full-time gig is harder than I remembered. A bit easier since I'm not wearing two work-hats, but it's just..........gah.

And, oh, wait just a minute, because next week I'm adding graduate school into the mix? Am I freaking crazy???

Hey, don't anyone who knows about my depression issues answer that!


  1. Listen, sister, I don't know you. But I have dealt with depression off and on (my Zoloft is mostly for my anxiety.) And guess what: most of my depression is triggered from doing way too much. I'm not saying you can't do this... it's none of my biz, but as an older sister type thing (like you are to your younger sis, and yes, I'm an internet stranger, but go with it...) I give you this advice: if you can't do it all, don't. Or at least lower your expectations so you don't go crazy mad at yourself, the kids, the stupid things that are normally annoying but not "what the fxxx" screaming inducing. I'm thinking of you.

  2. And to clarify my last statement of "I don't know you, sister" I mean I have not known you for long and I hope I'm not being too bossy... but then I was bossy anyway. My point: I just hope you don't get crazy from doing too much, because it's a lot for anyone, so don't beat yourself up, okay? I'll say a prayer for you.

  3. Mama P...

    You're not least not in this instance, that I can see. You are well-meaning and oh-too-familiar with the sense of being ill at ease b/c of too much crap. In other words, I'd have told me the same bit you did, :-) No worries!

    At this point, this is what I want, and I think it's what God wants for me...the whole shebang is visible in hindsight for the past 5+ years - which is frightening to me in the sense that this is it, and damned if I don't screw it up, you know? Bad thinking, I know, but those thoughts are always at the back of my mind, whether it's my plan for dinner or that of the rest of my life.

    What I'm trying to say is that I'm well aware of my options, I'm doing what I want to and what I can do, and learning to lean more on God and my family (spiritual and nuclear) for what I can't do.

  4. the whole shebang is visible in hindsight for the past 5+ years - ...what do you mean by that? You mean everything you're going through now is clear when you look at the clues from the past five years? If so (and I'm not prying for details) then I hope you learn from it and keep on having faith.

  5. Yup.

    My post college career hasn't been what I thought it would be, as far as the field, and everything that I've done has been very intricately related (housing and homeless issues tied with grant experience). I've found myself,and talents I didn't know existed. And, in trying to serve my Lord and His purpose for me, my pursuit of higher education is to greater utilize those skills to the benefit of my community. It's also an investment towards financial security for my kiddos and hubby. See...meant to be :)

    I'm feeling better today - it was just a freakout moment yesterday. I have those.

  6. You're not the only one with freak out moments. Believe me. Hang in and keep us posted, kay?