Should it be this hard??

So...last week and this week I've been full of self doubt about LMNOB and whether SID is the real issue at hand for her. Or...not?

I've been rationalizing away - the fits seem to increase relative to periods of significant changes, it's age appropriate behavior - common in any 6 yr old...from time to time, she's just working through some "issues..."

But then there was today.

Charlie Brown had to work, but I was actually not dreading the day, for once!

You see, LMNOB's strep fever broke early yesterday morning and as we passed the roadsign that said, "Now approaching 24 hours of Amoxicillin," I was given the green light from the doc to let her out of quarantine... which meant... DATE NIGHT!

Yes, last night was our much desperately needed night to reconnect - and oh, boy, did we!! After all the fireworks were had (BIG, beautiful, glorious fireworks) Charlie Brown slung his arm across me, and actually said, "It's nice to be in love again, isn't it?" As opposed to merely knowing that love does reside in our home but has been placed somewhere that we aren't quite sure of...*sigh* that is the sound of a contented woman... Can I just live in the reverie of this memory??? Mmmm....

Needless to say I was rested, content and ready to play with the kids today, planning a variety of sensory diet-type activities. Riding bikes, playing ball, a trip to the park? The sky was the limit.

We ate breakfast with little struggles, and talked about what we'd like to do with the day we were about to embark on. We had some minor chores to do, which the kids begrudgingly and mediocrely performed, but did nonetheless.

At approximately 9:45 am this morning, LMNOB began to melt down.

She wanted to go to the park - I said great, let's get dressed. She wanted to wear a dress...I said no, reason why is sidenoted below -

becaaaaaauuse, it was a little overcast, drafty and not quite as warm as it had been yesterday, and LMNOB has a proven track record of underdressing for an outing, only to be subsequently followed by an irascible fit causing immeasurable public mortification, followed thereby with an exit, equating such outings as a WASTE. OF. TIME.

In trying to prevent a meltdown - I'd created one. Quickly I tried to do some damage control before the fury unleashed in its fullness.

"So that it's not too hot, but also keeps your legs warm - let's try a pair of capris. Here, here are 3 equally pretty pairs of pants, pick one of these."

No dice.

Enter the hateful, aggressive, banshee of a stranger my darling daughter becomes in moments like these. She is averse to pants, preferring the freedom that the bare skin beneath a dress affords her. But, again, I was trying to pick my battles and, for me, the prospect of a wasted trip trumped the personal comfort style I know that LMNOB prefers.

I tried explaining.

I gave her the ultimatum - pick a pair in 10 minutes or else we simply are not going. Of course, as you will see, it was an idle threat...I have equally mixed feelings about that too.

After many minutes, I tried to leave her in her room, explaining that Mommy needed a break from her, that I would let her cry it out and be back up.

That just left her screaming her freak-out wails of "I Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant Yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu," pinching me (as a means of her frantically trying to ensure I would stay with her), pulling on my shirt to the point of nearly tearing it, and flinging her body at me while she shook her head no to anything that came out of my mouth.

I narrowly escaped her grasp and shut her bedroom door. She immediately came after me, but I, having had experience with this stood outside clutching the door knob. She screamed, oh God how she screamed these ethereal, you-couldn't-possibly-understand-the-hell-that-it-is-to-be-me screams. I began to cry, as all of my rationalizations over the course of LMNOB's lifetime suddenly failed:

She's just a really particular baby.

She just likes to be held. A lot.

She's just really strong-willed.

And smart... she just knows that if she keeps it up, she'll get her way.

She's just clumsy like I was - she'll outgrow it.

She just gets so busy that she waits to pee until it's too late.

Or this one... how many times have I used this on family outings;

She's just not in her routine - she's not always like this.

Yeah...they, and a hundred others, all flashed before me and I sobbed, because I painfully realized, without sugar coating, excuses, or what have you; this is not "normal."

After several moments, I felt like she'd given up on leaving, and would continue the fit for its duration in her room. I let go of the knob, and stealthily went down the stairs. Punkinhead, who had become somewhat antagonistic to LMNOB at the beginning of the rage, had somehow gotten the memo on his own that this wasn't going away and had kept to himself downstairs. That was a miracle in itself.

I embraced him hungrily. "I'm sorry sweetie. LMNOB's having a really hard time like she sometimes does. Thank you for leaving us alone while we needed to be. I love you."

He hugged me back and looked back at me, all innocent and big blue eyes, and mumbled, "I know you do, Mama." And he hugged me, again, with fervor.

We sat together and listened to her howl, silently wondering if indeed we would ever make it to the park. It was now 10:45.

In an optimistic gesture, I went and made two PB &J's (who knew what the little miss would prefer - so I left that blank).

She came down the stairs - clad in one of the pairs of capris I had selected.

I tested the waters; "Are we done?" Eyebrows raised with compassion, not annoyance.

She nodded tearfully, hiccupping in that post-sob way, "Mama, my brain's just not awake yet, but I am!"

That's a little different variation of her standby for the past 18 mos or so: "My brain just isn't working/thinking!" Where she came up with it, I dun.no....

I hesitated to ask, b/c I knew what turmoil I was about to cause. "What do you want for lunch - PB & J or turkey sandwich?" I may just as well have said, "Lather, rinse, and repeat," for that was the immediate effect.

At 11:30 this morning, nearly 2 hours after the onset of everything - we were able to leave. OT #1 told me that these normal spectrum behaviors that everyone has to some extent become problematic only when the "frequency, intensity, and duration," become damaging. I don't know if every 3-4 weeks for a superfit is all that frequent, but the intensity and duration of them freaking wipe me out.

This was the first superfit since we recognized SID as a plausible explanation for LMNOB's "issues." Also the first superfit since having been somewhat educated as to what SID entails. As a result, I have been hypervigilant, looking for displays of "SID behaviors" - whatever that means, since it tends to be so individualistic as to the issues each child will have. Today, the two fit factors were clothing and food - both very sensory related issues. Add to it, that at one point, I grabbed LMNOB's arm while she was flailing at me, and she screamed as if it was the most agonizing thing ever - and I barely had my hand around her forearm. Afterward, her tip toe walking was much more pronounced than it normally is - with her entire foot, minus the toes, up in the air as she took her steps, instead of the usual heel only. As we were walking, she pulled Punkinhead in the wagon for a time. It was then that she wanted me to hold her free hand - to which I gladly obliged - these public displays of affection are lessening, after all. I was a little shocked when she said, "No, Mama, can you squeeze it harder, please?" but I did as she asked, and held her hand much firmer than a bigshot's handshake until we got to the park.

She was fine the rest of the afternoon, and had a blast. When home, I noticed the "w-sit" position was constant for her - but hey, if she was happy, right? They rested for a time when we got home, but then when it became dinner time (which I have always called the witching hour - since she was a baby it has always been the most stressful time of day for me - except maybe now, which is getting ready for school in the mornings), it all went to pot again. She "punched" Punkinhead in the eye (I put it in quotes b/c it wasn't as forceful as a punch, but it was a punch-like jab nonetheless) accidentally - to which she said she "didn't know what she was doing;" while I realize that she still tells fibs that are not explained away by SID so much as they are by the normal fear of consequences, there was that blank look in her eyes that told me this was beyond sibling rivalry. Several minifits - seemingly like afterquakes, when looked at wholistically, followed and now that she is sleeping on her Daddy's shoulder on the couch - only now can I feel like I can process what today has been.

The third-scheduled appointment for her evaluation is set for Thursday. Let's hope that saying about this being the charm holds true.