Hindsight is 20/10...

I had a revelation last night, not in a Joseph-coat-of-many-colors kind of way, or a Joseph Smith kind of way, but rather, it was a gaining of perspective, a brief glimpse at how interconnected events that I previously thought of as just random-that's-just-how-life-shaked-out happenings really are. And while we all say that hindsight is 20/20, I have got to say this big picture variety that I got to see was at least 20/10.

It's given me hope.

And closure on some things.

And peace about being a work-out-of-the-home mom.

A reminder of the deliberate involvement God has in our lives.

But most of all, this epiphany has drawn me closer to the merciful God from whom I've grown increasingly distant.

Some of you who don't believe will tsk and say, "Damn, that girl can make a rationalization for EVERYTHING. It's because she doesn't stop thinking, that's all there is to it."

But you won't change my mind. What I'm about to say may not change yours. And that's ok, but it's never kept me from speaking my heart before, why start now?

12 years ago, I was a very bright 16 year old girl. Also very insecure and starved for attention. Any guy probably would have done - sad to say - as I had not a lot of self-respect, despite all outward appearances.

But El Shaddai brought Charlie Brown forth as the guy. 3 years later, we would fancy ourselves in love and would marry. He would later prove to be, despite being the best earthly friend I've ever had, one of the biggest causes for heartache in my life...for a season. Later I would see there was a reason for the season.

With this heartache, I would go through a refiner's fire not far removed from the inner circle of hell, flames burning with shame, grief, regret and anger. I would first become hard and brittle at the first burning, then more malleable as the heat burned hotter, and finally would become a woman whose desire to see the big picture vanquished the fears that had once held her hostage. Seeing the big picture would prove to be difficult at times, but would open the mind's ability to better understand and subsequently, forgive.

The heartache continued over the years - despite seeking help, it would be elusive and not found...just yet. There would be a reason for that too.

We would be blessed with a baby girl - whose entry to this world was not planned. We would fail to see the blessing for what she was. That lack of acuity by no means meant she was any less loved than she could have been, however.

I would seek out the Lord and try to realize His purpose for me. I would find work to supplement our family's needs, and in reaching out to the mentally ill and homeless, regain my sense of worth; a value I'd thought I had had and lost, but truthfully, had never really had. I would find value in myself that I previously thought impossible. It would not be dependent on my husband's actions or affirmations.

I would form relationships with people I was to work with in the future, not knowing it. I would fall in love with my husband again, and he with me. We would plan our son, and greet him with a most miraculous birth. When our son was one year old, I would find myself working with a woman I'd secretly admired the whole time I'd worked with the mental health center.

The heartache my husband carried with him would return, since we had never fully resolved the issues. In my newfound employment, I would have benefits that would make me demand counseling. We would see Counselor S. We would reestablish trust, love and all that yet again, miraculously and despite the odds.

We would continue in our lives, losing contact with Counselor S. But she would lease up at our pediatrician's office, and when LMNOB's behaviors would start to alarm us - we would try to find Counselor S's contact information and it would be to no avail b/c she doesn't advertise, even in the phone book. But, we would connect with her, through the pediatrician. And she would have information that no one else in her field would - that would actually make the most sense of all the worries we would have had about LMNOB along the way. And Counselor S would give us the vital information to take our steps toward helping our precious girl.

But, that never would have happened if:

I had never begun working for the City, for whom Counselor S was a network EAP provider - okay so God provides, we all know that.

But I never would have demanded we see a counselor if we hadn't battled with this heartache for so long, nor would I have had to make this request if we'd gotten help and destroyed the heartache's grasp on our family earlier. What I'm trying to say, is that God took this bad thing, allowed it to reach a certain point, and only when the resolution was going to connect us to this person who would play such a pivotal point in our lives, only then did He take it away.

It's kind of like that movie, The Butterfly Effect, and how everything is so intricately connected to other events in our lives. I know the movie is related to Chaos Theory - which is not a theistic theory - but things do tie together in a supernatural way, that Almighty way that He has about Him. Now I'm just looking at it all, and seeing the purpose in it. If all of that strife of the past was for the benefit of our daughter when she needed it, then it has not been all for naught.

Certainly God did not will for Charlie Brown to bring this heartache upon us, God never wishes for the havoc that sin can wreak in our lives. But He knew the events were going to unfold as they would, and I believe that He intervened, and turned an ugly thing into a thing of hope for us - even if it was several years removed. That's the closure part, because that part of our lives served a greater purpose, and we are more in love and committed to one another than ever before.

God put me on a career track not just because of material needs, or solely as a means to strengthen the talents He's blessed me with, but because it is through my work that I have come face to face with Him. And where I made the connections to help my girl. I will no longer feel like less of a mother of less of a Christian because I don't long to be a SAHM. And I hope that Christians who read this testimony might realize that God doesn't always design a family's plan such that it is always best for mom to stay home - b/c His answer might just surprise you. It was meant to be, and I have peace about it.

If He can make our heartache a beautiful, hopeful thing, with purpose above and beyond what we can conceive (we are very much in love, even if dramatic and non-romantic at times) then I know that LMNOB, whether she has SID or not, has a purpose that is triumphant and will bring glory to Him. Oh, that I may remember that in the midst of a superfit, that I may live up to the task of molding her and teaching her about the things He would have her be. That's the hope part.

This level of involvement humbles me.

Who am I that He would craft these inane details of my life to play out so significantly, so perfectly?

You're my beloved.

Especially when I've served Him so imperfectly?

Because I LOVE you. No matter what.

He loves you too. No matter what.

***Edited to add - I have brought my own levels of heartache to this family as well - please don't picture me as a faultless martyr - 'cause I'm not. But the post was long enough without all of that.