My letter to God

Father,

As I sit in my home that is from You, typing on my computer purchased with funds You've blessed us with, I already have so much more than most of the world. And I'm thankful.

Today, as I bask in the tiredness that is due in part to time spent last night with a loving community of parents, brought together by Your providential placement of our children in one Ms. S's kindergarten class, I'm thankful, grateful for still more blessings You've rained down in my life.

I love You for all that You have done for me, continue to do, and know that I am safe with You. I ask you to raise my weary spirit, because I'm tired. So very tired. I need an attitude adjustment - to be certain.

I feel stuck.

I feel overwhelmed by the disparity and unfairness of how the roles in my marriage have played out.

I feel like I've lapped my husband on this journey to maturity - wow, that sounds judgmental doesn't it? But that's how I feel as I many times act as a single mother who happens to be married to her roommate. The world tells me to make time for myself and rest - which seems to be godly advice, You did rest, after all, after creating us. But when I "rest," it just means that more work piles up and then it's worse that I rested in the first place. What is a girl to do?

I'm struggling here. Hard core.

I don't know what to do to get rid of the turmoil in my gut. Every time I try to speak to Charlie Brown about it, it becomes a fight, and I'm tired of that too.

We were in the most excellent place this time last year. And I know why: Charlie Brown was reading, daily, Your Word, and taking it to heart, living it out in his demeanor and actions with me. It lasted about 6 weeks, and we've steadily been getting worse.

Is it me? Are my expectations so high, that it is unreasonable to think some common courtesy and mutual respect is part of marriage? Is it unreasonable to want my husband to want to see me and be with me in some way more than a perfunctory kiss each morning? Unreasonable to expect him to be excited when I blatantly make myself available to him? Has my heart hardened so much over the years that I just don't see him trying?

How long can I question this and be ok to remain?

Oh, Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner. I'm not perfect. He isn't either. Help us to create a marriage that you would like to see.