Thank you sir [but this really won't do], may I have another? Please?

As in - this January has sucked hairy donkey balls - can I please have a do-over?

First, I had FOO drama.

Then I had work drama. Then again. And again this morning, when the advocate I spoke of Monday came into the office to drop off a volunteer application. And continued to speak of Monday's incident - in a way that clearly demonstrated he was assuming things about my co-worker, who is so NOT that way.

I got frustrated. "What exactly is the point of this conversation again?"

I mean, everyone keeps dumping on me, and if you're just complaining for the sake of complaining (i.e. there is nothing I can do about it, and/or the matter is DONE) please go find someone else. I have spent too much time and too many tears on this matter - oh, wait, no, not quite - here, here come some more. Happy?

Fuck. I hate crying in front of other people - particularly in a "professional" setting. Part of the curse of being a working woman - show emotion and it's all "Oh, I pity the woman who's a slave to estrogen," remain emotionless and it's all, "She's a coldhearted bitch." Ask Hilary - she's pretty well-versed in this damned dichotomy.

Then he was all, "I don't have an issue with you - you're great, wonderful, etc. Without you we wouldn't be where we are today."

Which is for damned sure - but why in the hell do I feel as if I have been debated, challenged, and harangued all the way there? And what does that mean? It certainly does not make me feel as heralded as he claimed right before me today.

Whatever - so I've spent a lot of friggin' time in this - mostly unwarranted, personal attachment. When he kept going on and on and on, I started filling out paperwork - which clued him into my intense desire to end the conversation - it was going nowhere - and he left.

Then I cried some more.

Then I got over it and went about the rest of my day.

When I picked up the kids from daycare, M told me tearfully that she was really sorry but May 30th would be her last day of her homebased daycare. My wonderful, sensory integrating activities, organic foods, yoga practicing, pre-k prep child care is going bye-bye, and while May 30th seems like a ways away, it is really not.

You see, M is pregnant, and due in March. She had a maternity leave planned and we parents only needed to arrange alternate care for about 6 weeks in March-April. She had a back-up for if the baby came early. I remember thinking she was somewhat crazy when she told me of her plan, shortly after they announced the pregnancy - but she's so good at what she does and I just clung to an "It'll be ok" mentality.

Except now, it won't.

She's telling us now so that if we wanted to just make a clean break when she goes on maternity leave, we could. I don't know if that is preferred by her, or if she is going to need the money after the baby comes. Which I know, is not really my problem so much as figuring out consistent, quality care for my babies, but I worry about these things. Because contrary to popular belief these days, I do have a heart. I also don't know if making the clean break is best for LMNOB and Punkinhead, or if we should do a sub for the maternity leave and finish out the spring with M - in light of LMNOB's issues with disruption of routine and all, I'm just confused.

And then I'm feeling maternal guilt - because my kids are 4.5 and 7, and have had 4 and 6 childcare providers in their lives, respectively. That's a lot of transition and change - and crap if it doesn't make me feel like a rotten mother that I can't provide more stability in their lives than that.

And damn, I mean, if we could have just made it to August, we'd have been home free with the daycare thing - Punkinhead goes to school this year!

Thank goodness that Charlie Brown is being supportive still - the man has been getting me like never before - or else I think I'd be dead.

January 2008, I am so over you - is it February yet?