Monday, June 16, 2008

Your Changing Body - A Letter to the 29 Y/O Female Brain

Dear Brain,

Hiya. Just thought I'd do a little check-in with you as some changes have begun that I'm not so sure need to be happenin'.

Before we go into all that though, I just want to say thanks. You do a mean job at keeping the heart pumpin' and feeding instincts going and all that other stuff that keeps us alive.

First it was the sex, and you know, I totally was diggin' on that. That's one change that I was welcoming.

Then you kind of slacked in the whole serotonin production thing, and well, I'm going easy on you because it seems to have become a documented handicap. No fears - we just pop a pill and voila! Life is better. Except the sex thing. Now I have this drive that kicks into high gear, but goes nowhere. Well, not nowhere - but let's just say you've become rather male and the drive is not so much matching the destination these days. Don't really know what to do about that - it's not like the male fix where we can jsut look at a map and figure out how to align the driving with the destination.

So there's this thing going on with our skin. Brain, we are 29 not 13 again! Please call a halt to the oil production, a'ight? Not only is it ugly, but these zits hurt like the dickens - me no likey.

Then, there's this thing with the body hair. Slowly, over the past 6 months or so, I've noticed an increasing amount of nasal hair, PROTRUDING FROM OUR NOSE! This is not supposed to be happening, and I'll tell you why. 1.) It makes us look like we are gross. 2.) It catches every little speck and germ floating around in the free world and as a result we are having many more boogers and colds. This is an evolutionary abomination - as we age we should AVOID sickness as our body shuts down on the health. For the love of life, stop with the freaky long nasal hairs.

And...there's no logical reason for us to suddenly sprout chin hairs. This is an old lady condition, brain. We are 29 not 89! I had to pluck one yesterday - thankfully it was just a long, fuzzy hair instead of a wiry one, but it's still alarming. Also, I have a thickening patch of peach fuzz along my upper lip. What the hell good is the biological-clock-induced sex drive if you are going to make us look like a MAN?

I'm not ready for all of this. Puberty was stressful enough. Please change us back to 25, and I will be very happy.

Thank you!

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved


  1. OMG I SO love this.......if you do get a reply could you also mention the greying eyebrow hairs? Is it not enough for the hair on our head to go grey but our eyebrows?????????

  2. I know that this might not be what you were going for, but have you seen an endocrinologist?

    Depression plus hair growth may be a clue to something hormonal or otherwise gland related going on with your body...perhaps thyroid?


  3. I shall send this letter to my 33 year old brain. I shall highlight the part about zits, because WTH!!!! It's SO annoying.

  4. No kidding about theoil production - as a teenager I have perfect skin and as an early-thirties-ager, it's hideous?! Why bother drilling in Alaska - I could provide enough oil for half of the US at least.

    (and thank God for the little pills, right?)


  5. I like to walk around with a deep voice saying.... "I'm a man baby...."

  6. I've totally got the chin hair thing going. It's AWFUL. Especially when I get face to face with my three year old to discuss why she's in time out and she says, "Hey Mom, you got a hair on your chin!" It's hard to maintain the upper hand when all you want to do is cry. And run to the bathroom to get plucking.

  7. Wait till your forties, girlfriend. Cackle. Cackle

    aka JaniceNW