Friday, December 19, 2008

Surreal Surrenders

What a week.

At any given minute this week, I felt as if my head would just wind up and spin Linda Blair style and life as I've known it would just stop.

There were the mornings, the relentless "Oh my hell, child how many times do I have to tell you to get your shoes on before you even motion to do so," preparations before school, the incessant and shrill "Go, go, go - Do this - Don't do THAT's," that automatically fired out of my mouth like a machine gun, and tears, always tears. We made the bus none times this week. None. These mornings leave me so frustrated - but hopefully they are a thing of the past.

There was the Particularly Bad morning - Wednesday - this week where Punkinhead had once again misplaced his snow boots and mittens (I am finally beginning to understand Mother Cat's wrath towards her kittens in new light) and of course this was made known to me at 8:10 a.m.. We leave for the bus stop at 8:12 a.m. So the hunt for the aforementioned boots and mittens ensued, and as you can imagine, took longer than the 2 minutes we had allotted to Make The Bus In Time. I had decided to give up the search, Punkinhead would just have to live with the natural consequences of being irresponsible with his boots/mittens: be unable to play in the snow at recess and have cold hands, respectively. I threw everything together, grabbed my lunch, grabbed backpacks to cram into the car, locked the door and proceeded to the car.

Without my keys.

The babysitter has our spare!

Called Charlie Brown with a plea for him to come be my white knight and open the door so that we could get the kids to school and me to work. He was soon on his way.

In the interim, I called my OB's office as the night before I'd come home to a voicemail asking me to please call them back about a lab result...I hadn't had any labwork done at my previous appointment so I was a bit confused. Then the nurse proceeds to tell me that my urinalysis was suspicious, so they'd cultured my urine and I indeed had my 2nd UTI of this pregnancy - I was supposed to begin antibiotics immediately, and had I had any symptoms? Nope.

So I had her call the rx into the Safeway by my office. Call my boss to let her know it is a morning from hell and I am running late. Get to Safeway and the pharmacist tells me that they no longer carry the old antibiotic that the doc has rx'd. He calls Walgreens to see if they have it.

They do.

Backtrack a bit and go to Walgreens, and proceed to wait 45 MINUTES for them to fill my Rx. Ya'll I so will not be fun when I'm elderly and on a million drugs, because my idea of a trip to the pharmacy is 15 minutes total. Plus, you know, I kinda had a place to get to. Called WORK.

That all was frustrating enough but the realization that I had had some menstrual like cramping, which I'd written off as uterine stretching and/or round ligament pain, and had also had an untreated UTI going on meant that this babe could now be at risk for preterm labor. Not to mention all the frackin' stress that we'd had lately in the mornings. I really am questioning whether to stay with my present OB or if I ought to be shopping - I mean, she's the one who was so concerned about the POTENTIAL of me having preterm labor before these UTI's came on and yet when I have something that could actually CAUSE preterm labor, she is inattentive to detail (the prior UTI she put me on antibiotics the day of my urinalysis, before the lab culture even came back as a preventive measure) and potentially put me and the baby at risk. Nice.

So there's that.

Later that day (Wednesday, still) was my going away party at work. I could lie and say it was overwhelming that so many people showed up and embarrassed me with their kind words, but truthfully, it was really energizing for extroverted ole me and I felt really loved and encouraged by a lot of people whom I respect greatly. I was surprised by the turnout being as big as it was - and with so many community players (as opposed to strictly City employees) - but it was a great time in the spotlight for me and I felt like a shining star.

Thursday and today were a bit anticlimactic at work after that, but they flew by.

It was bittersweet.

On the one hand I am so looking forward to being with my kids - and this week really hammered home for me that they are too. Sometimes you wonder if kids really get it, and LMNOB dropped enough clues in her conversation for me to say, "Yeah, she does get it and it means a whole heck of a lot to her." I.e., "The bus driver is going to be really surprised to see you every day when we get back from break," and other things that illustrate the nuances of what my being home with them will mean to her.

On the other hand, I had to keep telling myself - especially after Wednesday - that I am not putting my SELF on a shelf. I am kind of mannish in this regard that I tend to overly identify my sense of self with what I DO, and I think particularly because I have long felt that I'm better able to use the gifts God has blessed me with in the career path I've taken than say being a SAHM. But that's the thing...Just because I'm not going to be on a payroll doesn't mean that I'm going to become a recluse and insulate myself from my community. I'm still on the IHN board of directors, I'm still going to volunteer at my kids' school, etc. My gifts will not be "wasted" says my head, but my heart struggles with believing that at times.

And, I was with the City for 4 1/2 years. It was my 2nd post-college job and by far the longest one I've held. It's a pretty big chapter on which the final page was turning for me.

And it wasn't totally the end today, either, because I'm going back next month for a few hours here and there to train my replacement. But I still cried as I drove out of the parking lot after the Boss helped me pack up my things and gave me a hug. The tears almost felt foreign to me as I have been so happily looking forward to this day that sorrow seemed out of place. The uncertainty of our financial picture is nervewracking to say the least, but every day I'm asking God to help me grow in my faith that He will provide - and I know that He will. And then the relief flooded over me - the stresses of our mornings will be reduced, I can rest and take care of myself and my baby and not feel guilt for it, my kids will benefit from having more of me, and on the list goes.

And then I realized, it's all ok.

I've surrendered my old life and am now embarking on a new one. Filled with wonder and excitement.

© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved


  1. Hurray for you Red! I applaud you for taking the financial leap of faith to do what feels right for you and your family. You're still the same you, just with a different job. Enjoy your new gig and have a fantastic holiday!!

  2. What PostCards said. I was trying to say it again in other words, but why try to improve on perfection?

  3. Congratulations. This change has been a long time in coming, although I'm sure it feels like it went fast in hindsight. What a good Christmas present. Merry Christmas to you and your family!

  4. Good for you! Yes, it is hard in transition, but so very worth it! Enjoy!

    Merry Christmas!