And yesterday broke me.
LMNOB and Punkinhead do SO WELL when they are in school 8 hours a day and each doing their own thing. But when they are together 24/7, hoo boy, watch out.
I felt like all I did yesterday was yell, and put out fires, and yell, and send kids to time out, and, uh, yell. Oh wait, at one point I totally lost it and cried.
I do NOT like being the yelling mom. I do not like yelling in a car, I do not like yelling from afar. I dislike yelling about safety and I dislike yelling at kids because they are lazy. I especially most hate yelling as a follow-up to jillion reminders/warnings to do/not do something - like, seriously, have they not learned to obey me? Apparently not.
And then the stress of it all was pushed over the edge with this one little disparaging thought:
Wow, they are being really beastly - sure you can handle one more?
No, I wasn't sure I could handle one more. No, I all of a sudden was not looking forward to summer vacation, which I'd previously envisioned as an idyllic season of warmth, lounging in the backyard with the baby while LMNOB and Punkinhead rode bikes in the alley and played with the neighbor kids with not a care in the world. Now I saw power struggles and post-partum hormones peppering fights about how we would not be playing video games when it was so wonderfully nice outside. And I cringed inwardly.
What have I done? Who have I become?
I know that these thoughts, these anxieties are Satan trying to pull me from God and His purpose for me and my family. So I'm leaning on Jesus today and hoping that it makes all the parenting difference in the world.
Also? Calling on a few girlfriends for reinforcement.
© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved
I haven't checked in with you for ages but it looks like today was a good day to do so. You can do it. I won't pretend that it doesn't get crazy at times, but even with Breydon's special needs and Jude's constant demands for attention while Roegen is in the terrible threes is manageable. And your kids won't be quite so close together in age which should make things simpler.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! ((hugs))
Oh sweetie. We all have days like that! You can handle another one, and you will have days like you described. Just remember that they will not all be like that! You'll be surprised-your 2 will change when there is a baby around, and I'll bet that they will step up more than you will think. You're right to lean on God-He's the only one that can handle it for you. Hugs and prayers!
ReplyDelete