Monday, December 14, 2009

I was perusing my blogroll the other day and found a great post of Megan's over at Velveteen Mind.

She quotes from Meet the Robinsons:

From failing you learn. From success...not so much.

Lately, I feel as if I am failing everything (perfectionist) and everyone (people pleaser) though, and it gives me pause to wonder what it is that I('m supposed to be learning.

For example, this morning Kelsey and Colton were in prime form, willfully disregarding my entreaties to, "Please eat! ... Please quit reading riddles and get ready for school! ... Get your socks and shoes on, now please!... Eat your breakfast! ... Socks and shoes! ... Leave the dogs alone and do what I've asked you to please! :repeated ad nauseum: " I quickly transformed from harried, albeit polite, mother to a harsh monster as their mouths got smarter and sassier, not to mention none of the morning necessaries had gotten done yet. As my normal voice had gone unheeded three or more times already, I morphed into yelling. And that didn't work either. So then the flood of emotion started to build, as my inner dialog focused on my inadequacies as a mother - surely I was a failure as my children wouldn't obey me in getting ready for school, surely it was my fault that my daughter's eyes were rolling every time my mouth opened, surely this lack of respect for authority was going to wind them both up in prison on down the road - and they sensed it. Colton ran over to me, breakfast STILL uneaten, and tried to hug me when I leaped over the edge.


Yes, I swore at him. Yes, I felt like my stature went from 5'5" to miniscule in mere nano-seconds. FAIL!

Kelsey and Colton both chimed in chorus, "You hate us," and pouted.

I had to regain my composure instantaneously.

"No, guys, I do not hate YOU."

"Yes you do!!!"

"No, please, let me finish. I am very sorry for swearing at you and yelling, and wish that I could take it back. That was very wrong of me."

Deep breath.

"Can we please just get along, follow instructions and have a relatively easy morning from here on out?"

Solemn nods.

And that's just one example.

I feel like I'm floundering in so many ways. And I'm left wondering, what is the lesson in this floundering?

All I can come up with is that I can't make it all better on my own. I can't do all of this on my own. And that I am NOT a perfect person.

But God is, and was, and will be. And I just need to lean on Him more in times like these. Forget pulling myself up by the bootstrap and ask Him to help pull me out of the slimy pit I'm in, to ask Him to put my feet on a firm rock.

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