Friday, February 5, 2010

Of Satin, Chiffon, and Oh - Lack of a 5'11" Frame?

So... I have this theory....

There is a reason why bridesmaids and brides are indeed supposed to be fair maidens and virginal; such distinctive traits insure that they have not gained The Honeymoon's Over 30+ (forget the Freshman 15, kids) nor will they have endured the expansion, contraction and subsequent sagging due to the bearing of offspring.

In other words, wedding dresses and bridesmaids dresses are for people who still look good! I'm telling you the truth on this one - I mean just look at how many of these dresses are strapless! Not to mention that so many of the fabrics, ahem satin, tend to hug every lump and bump a girl's got, particularly when paired with a shade from the family known as pastel.

So I went dress shopping for my MOH dress for my sister's wedding today. Because I love my sister and will do anything I can to make her day great, I opted to, you know, actually try dresses on versus risking an on-line order fiasco. This was a humbling experience. Yet one I now know to have been completely necessary.

First off, they didn't have any of the dress styles in my size that were of the same color my sister has chosen. So some dresses were hard to imagine the right way, as the colors were all quite wrong.

Secondly, I should have realized that all the models in the catalog are GIANTESSES with legs that never end, and thus all the styles I eschewed as being too short, actually were about right. And the ones that I thought were a nice modest length, made me look as if I had nubs for legs.

Proof, you ask? You want proof that it really was. That. Bad. Well look no further.

Pardon the bra straps in this picture – it was the first I tried on. I ditched the bra later. I really do like this one – it is simple, modest neckline, and flattering fit, too. But that thing I mentioned about satin hugging all the lumps and bumps? It is kind of doing this in a bright color, and I'm leary about what the lighter sage green (peridot, if you will) might do on my body's hardly level topography.

This one fit ok in the skirt and with the length, but the halter would need to be trimmed so that the bust would come up – too low and much boobage is viewable.

This one was ok – my arm/boob junction chub kind of overlaps the top seam of the dress which made me somewhat self-conscious, and the length was a lot longer than it appeared to be in the catalog – so I think would look better shorter.

This one is a no go – if you look at my back reflection, my back fat is scooshed such that it looks like I have a butt crack in the middle of my back. Also – too short on the leg and low on the bust – made me look smooshed down and wide a la a funhouse mirror. That's a great look. Not.

My friend and I really liked this one (particularly that it was chocolate which is a color totally owned by me). In fact my friend made the remark, "That's a dress that I'm afraid would have Seth itching to take you into a back room!" LOL. Concern: it is cotton sateen and they had no peridot anything in sateen with which we could compare and get a read on what the fabric/color combo might actually look like WORN. Reason: like satin, sometimes a light cotton fabric will “cling” to lumps and bumps on a woman’s figure - think heavy girl in khaki pants, 'nuf said, right? Also....about this point I began to hate on my shoulders - I am really broad in the shoulders in proportion to the rest of my body and feel as if the length from my shoulders to my chest is kind of long, leaving me feeling quite exposed in a strapless fashion. If I were to go with this I would probably order a wrap to wear on my shoulders.

This dress is ok’s not my favorite but my friend thought it looked really nice. It too is the cotton sateen, but flares away from my tummy troubles so it could work well. Holy cow was that blue friggin’ electric – Debbie Gibson and visions of blue mascara began playing in my gotta-connect-everything-to-pop-culture mind.

In one of the worst color picks of the day, was this palest pink dress - which again was a deceptively LONG dress. Other than the need for a length alteration, it wasn't such a bad dress.

There were others - the mod 60's TANGERINE (I mean who chooses TANGERINE, neon orange, for their wedding color?) that was so NOT flattering to my bod, a few sweetheart necklines in which I felt like Kirstie Alley trying to model Victoria's Secret (:shudders:) and a few others that were just meh.

On a positive note - my calves have totally deffed up with all the running. I put those heels on and was like, "Wowza, who's the chick with the supa hot legs there?" So the dress might suck [on me], but my legs will totally be rocking the high heels - all is not lost.

Thoughts on any of these dresses? Make your vote count!

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