Saturday, June 11, 2011

I'm compelled to tell the kettle it's black

According to the old adage, that'd make me a pot, eh?  Guess that would also make me black (taking a wild stab here, but I'd assume this cliche was born in the era of cast iron).

A few weeks ago, when I started this blog, I thought I might convince myself [and you!] to quit wallowing in the sea of self-deprecation and dive on into the less familiar waters of self-acceptance.  Hah...I wrote this and a day later, while running!,  heard a new[er] song by Jennifer Knapp [LOVE her!] that has a similar theme of water and self-acceptance - crazy. Check this out: 
I'm so tired of standing on the edge of myself.  You know I'm longing for it.  To dive in, dive in
Alas, I've been in a funk.

I've felt distant from God, due to my own reluctance to engage with Him or His Word.  It's not that I'm struggling with faith or have stopped believing...it's more just a hard time feeling His presence and thus not feeling up to doing the work to find Him again.

And with that, everything seems wrong....

My cluttered house is not at all like the neighbors' homes, which albeit just as small as ours, are well organized and decorated and always clean.

My friends who are going here and there to eat and to this show or that event are so lucky.  We've been home bound and while I like to cook, the kitchen seems like such a ball and chain when the budget is non-gourmet and time is slim.

 And vacation? What is that?  As Special K is fond of pointing out, we never go on vacation.  Save for an occasional weekend camping trip or visit to Craig, she's right.  


One of my personal favorites though, is how my children are the ones that make everyone else's look like angels when in the company of other parents/children.

The other old fave?  Body image.  Sigh.

A friend of mine invited us to her neighborhood pool the other day, and we gladly accepted the reprieve from 90 degree weather.  I normally don't have too much issue with swimsuits these days b/c usually the other mothers have comparable bodies to mine.  There is confidence in numbers of other women bearing the evidence of motherhood.  Not so [for me] in this neighborhood.  It is a more affluent area and it wasn't just that they were all so pretty in the face and thin with flat tummies, no, it was the 6-12 month old babies they each had on their laps with nary a stretch mark or bulge to show for it that got to me.  I felt the unevenness of my wayward unbraced teeth press against my lips in self-consciousness, and it seemed like each instance of cellulite on my wide thighs (many, no exaggeration) pushed outward like goosebumps.  Was I in Stepford? I began to wonder.

I'm up 12lbs from where I was 6 months ago and the clothes fit tighter.  This is largely due to the lack of running I've done over the winter/early spring.  Said lack of running was caused by a number of factors, namely the damnable winds we had.

I'm just trying to sufficiently set the stage for y'all to understand the pity party my mind has been of late.

I had a breakthrough this week though.

I was determined to start running regularly and be active again.

So I went Tuesday.  Ran 1.5 miles before I had to walk, and did intermittently walked and ran for a total of 4 miles.

Wednesday night we rode our bikes as a family to/from church (12 miles).  I had a mtg afterward for upcoming camp and the fam left 20ish minutes before me.  I caught them for the last 5 minutes of our ride home (with kids it's about 40 minutes) - I was booking it!

Thursday I ran and walked for 3.8 miles, averaging a 13:38/mile pace.

Yesterday, I ran a full 3.5 miles before caving to walking (albeit with a potty break at about 2.6 miles), and walked the remaining .5 of my loop.

All of this activity has been awesome and just this spark I've needed to recapture glimpses of God.  Soaking up His sunny days, singing along with my worship and praise music, and the awesome reminder of just how far physically He's brought me in the past two years, together, these things have revived my desire for Him and for serving my family, helped me get back on track, and given me an overall sense of zen that I've been lacking for quite awhile.

Guess that means it's true.

I'm a Christian runner.

When I'm not true to that, when I don't carve out time for my runs with God, everything else in life falls apart.

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