Failing forward

I've only told a few people, but part of my no-holds-barred, This-Is-Me-bellowing, I'm a hot mess mom move to radically accept myself WHERE I AM AT means no secrets.

It means giving up the illusion of juggling* so much "just so well" and showing everybody that the reality is that I'm not even juggling, I am basically dribbling all the balls I have dropped from the juggling circuit.

*There may be some folks out there that I actually lied to, in effort to save face, saying that I had finished the incompletes. That's embarrassing to admit, and I hate it because it feels like I let my integrity go by doing that, but anyway...celebrating that mistake right now.

You thought this girl was perfect? That's cute.

So without further ado...roughly 10 days ago I rolled my eyes when I saw mail from CSU. I thought it was a reminder of our outstanding balance from Sunny's kidney infection adventure in November, despite just having received an e-statement days before. Nope, it was worse.

It was the Graduate School writing to inform me that my lack of progress in turning my mountain of incompletes to completes had created a string of Fs, thus I have been dismissed from my Master's studies.

Again.

Ten years later, I am in the same sinking boat I was in after Christopher's birth and the ensuing hell I so fondly named Pneumogedden. This degree is never going to happen.

Months ago, as I started to realize my need to bail water out of said boat, I was told by a professor that I was going to have to get my MA "in a way that works for" me.

In other words, the set-up of the program (or, really, higher ed system in general) did not really make space for working professionals, particularly mothers (who are already doing the equivalent of 2.5 FTE jobs in the US - God bless the patriarchy), to attend, participate, and complete the assignments for their classes.

So today I go to meet with the graduate advisor, whom I've never met before, because she was not in that role when I started this program almost 3 years ago (where does the time actually go, folks?) and I don't know what I'm expecting.

Mostly because I am so self-flagellating, so exacting that I have zero grace for myself, I was not expecting the kind words of encouragement and acceptance that she spoke to me.

After we'd talked about several things, including Pneumogedden, an opportunity to work with some state legislators to de-silo child abuse prevention efforts in the state - you know me, I love a great tangent to go off on - she said to me, with her Turkish accented English, "You know, you are MA - this coursework only confirms, but you are already performing like [an] MA."

So basically, they are going to work with me. I'm going to get my assignments done for the classes I've already attended and participated in (just didn't get my papers written for) at the pace I can do, we're changing my advisor, and I'm getting this pro-paper done.

Maybe it will be all wrapped up in time to be a 20th anniversary commemoration of graduating with my first post-secondary degree as a 1st Gen non-traditional student.