Saturday, January 20, 2007

I'm ok...he's ok...we're all ok??? Maybe?

For now, the moniker of poopy head has since been revoked and removed from Charlie Brown.

Note: I reserve the right to reclassify him as such at any given time though.

Last week was off to a rotten start since I last wrote. It's better now.......sort of.

On the marriage front, he's pulled his head out of his arse and started treating me with basic common courtesies, several times going above and beyond, even.

School front - still waiting on books, but I'll be burning the midnight oil this week. It's all good.

Kids - Li'l Punkinhead has been a joy this week. LMNOB, on the other hand, has been cause for some worries. She had two accidents at school. She's wetting the bed. And clinging to me with a fervor 100 times that of the infant separation anxiety.

Thing is, as CB points out, she's actually gotten more time with me than before, and by far better quality.

Nevertheless, I fear that I'm scarring her for life.

I was, and still am, certain that this is what God wants me to do.

But, I'm feeling a wee bit Abrahamic with respect to the whole child sacrifice thing. You know, do I sacrifice the well-being of my child for the will of God?

I love this little bundle of a girl who is all arts, questions, and, well, my mini-me in ALL respects. But I can't change those things I hate most about myself when they are in her. I can't tell her to buck up and play fair b/c Mommy needs a break. Especially when I'm not doing that myself.

It will work out though. I'm plugging into that eternal power supply that I've long been neglecting. This weekend, I'm in the gorgeous winter wonderland that is Estes Park with some sisters from church. Right now, I'm about to get to some homework, but wanted to check in and say that some things are looking up right now. And I'm blessed tremendously for that.

Now, jumping to a completely different subject:

Thursday I had to give a presentation to the Fort Collins Interfaith Council re: the Statewide Homeless Count and where the results are. I found out Tuesday from the State that the results are NOT in yet (despite 3 deadlines that have been given and not yet met). So I did the best I could. And it was wonderful. It's what I was made to do. Education and awareness is the part of Christ that I identify the most with, especially when it comes to loving our neighbors less fortunate and less accepted.

Afterward, my very gay friend from Northern Colorado AIDS project came up to me and questioned if I'd done something to my hair? Truth is, I haven't touched my hair with color or shears since Halloween - and I'm itching to get at it. I answered him and he told me, shaking his head in speculation, "Well, honey, there's something. I can't quite put my finger on it, but you are radiantly beautiful today - I mean you are always pretty and cute, but there's something different today. Hmmm..."

It's not so weird to have a gay man comment on the appearance of someone - positive or negative. But this was interesting to me, not to mention great for my self-esteem!

And then it happened again. This time, a woman from the United Way came up to me, thanked me for speaking for them, and pulled me aside. She tells me, "I know you were really busy this summer with the homeless count, and that you still must be with all that's going on in Loveland, but whatever you're doing, you are positively GLOWING today - you look so beautiful!"

I fought the urge to demur the compliment. I am a lot of things, but have never been one to associate the word "beautiful" with my outer appearance. I thanked her, and let the words soak in.

That was Thursday. And last night I spent with my sisters at church. Most of whom I feel well acquainted with, but not particularly close to. As the SAHM vs. WOHM discussion popped up, and the subtle favoring of the former choice was seen, some seeds of doubt were placed. And again that feeling of being different came when last night, some of the ladies gently poked fun at me and my usage of "big words." They were only teasing, and meant no offense, I know. But, I'm smart, can't help it - and by golly, I embrace that! To dumb myself down on purpose is to thumb God in the face and tell Him He wasted the talents He endowed upon me.

But, this morning, as I woke to the grandeur of the mountains, in all their God-given beauty, He spoke to my heart. That something that my colleagues saw - it wasn't me! It was the radiance of my Lord channeling through me, merely a vessel, saying, "Here is love. Draw near to it my friends. Draw near." abba, I am so grateful for the compass of hope that this message gives me. Help me to rise through the challenges. Grant me the Holy Spirit, and the strength promised me from Christ your Son. The harvest is plenty, but the workers are few. Show me how to be a good worker, Father. Thank you for your peace.

I feel like a ton has been lifted off of me.


  1. Isn't it such a nice feeling to get compliments like that? Glad to hear that all is well with your world once again--at least headed in that direction anyway. ;-)

  2. That is sooo awesome Heather.... you are a beautiful woman inside and out... and they see both :)