Embracing Motherhood; A Tale of Reluctance and Incomprehension

Disclaimer: I started this earlier today, but Blogger ate it :poof!: This doesn't happen much, but when it does I always wonder if it is equivalent to a thunderbolt from above - particularly considering the subject matter.

As a child, I was always something of a feminist. Enthusiastic renditions of "Anything you boys can do I can do better," oft were found leaping from my lips.

I find it highly ironic today, that despite this bend in myself, I cling to a patriarchal faith and find my church family in a group of fundamentalists. But, ya know, that God, He is a God of Ironies - you know the whole "first shall be last..." and the like?

My play habits were that of a tomboy/nerd. When I wasn't out chasing snakes and bees (I once thought I could produce honey with a single bee in a jar with some clover blooms), I was reading.

I wasn't this girl who dreamed of her future husband and the big day. I really never saw myself getting married. I didn't see myself unmarried, I just didn't even look to see myself wedded. Besides, who needed a man? I never had one of worth in my life as a child on a consistent basis, so why would I think that I would live with one, day in and day out for the rest of my life anyway? It was a completely foreign concept.

Occasionally a doll would creep into my diet of playtime activities. I always played with them like they were babies - but not my babies. Because as much as marriage was vague territory, motherhood was just something I was altogether reluctant to touch, period. Even if it was eons in the future. Sure, as I grew into babysitting, I liked kids enough, when they were yours! Motherhood was a charged issue for me and I was simply not going to have anything to do with it.

Funny how God changes your mind on these things.

As much as I was reluctant to even consider taking on motherhood, as soon as the idea of my children's existence was even planted with that initial seed of my-period's-late-could-it-be? doubt, an indescribably anticipatory joy crept into my heart, and the tremendous emotion I felt for my babes left no room for reluctance.

It's incomprehensible how this mother I've come to be is sitting in the same skin that encased the old anti-mothering girl I once was. Somewhere along the way, I realized that most of my reluctance stemmed from me clinging to fear. Fear of losing myself, fear of becoming every other woman in my dysfunctional family, fear of not doing right by the future.

When God threw me a curve ball - that being LMNOB's conception, the fears were still there, but they were just passing fancies. Now I clung to doing what my child, later my children, needed me to do.

My kiddos are pretty special. Special needs, special talents, and special personalities. I try to be the special Mama they so need and deserve. Most of the time, I struggle to see how well I am doing with that, especially on a night when LMNOB says, "I just want you....don't go to your meeting tonight," and yet I have to go. Or when Punkinhead is pouty and calling everyone Stupid.

But, I love them with all my heart. And today I took inventory of the things I think they will appreciate later in life:

I stayed home with both my babies their first year of life
When I had to work, I scrutinized providers, seeking out quality child care
I have worked on my marriage when I felt like giving up
I notice them for who they are, and seek to develop their strengths
I also noticed differences and sought help
I play with my kiddos
And we laugh
Instead of yelling, sometimes I just raise an eyebrow and let them figure it out on their own
I volunteer at LMNOB's school
I take vacation days, not for grandiose outings, but for days with my kids where we just hang
I tell them I am glad they are mine...

I'm sure they will tell me more in the years to come, and their answers will surprise me. In the meantime, I'm just letting the Lord lead me through this mystery called motherhood.

Happy Mother's Day, ladies.