Thursday, January 10, 2008

Waxing Blo[g]xistential

(Blo[g]xistential = Blog + Existential in case you're wondering)

So the other day I was asking some bloggy to be or not to be's and I didn't really post the answers. Partly because I didn't [still don't] have the answers fully processed. Another partial cause is due to having been E.X.T.R.E.M.E.L.Y. frappin' busy with work. The Boss has too, in fact today she said aloud to herself, "Ok, just breathe. Calm. Pheeeeeeeeeewww." I asked her if she was ok, and she says, "Oh gosh, I'm sorry - I just have so many things rolling inside my head I had to just say 'Cool it!'" We both laughed then, because it is so true. The post-holiday craze of getting life back to normal, or some other such thing.

Without further ado, though, I would like to try and sort this out in my mind.

1.) Why do I blog?

This question was asked of me almost 2 years ago, when I first started blogging. My answer remains much the same:

2. I know you're new to blogging. What influenced you to start a blog, and what do you hope for out of it?
-- I am recently re-diagnosed with major depression (2nd time in life) and trying to face myself in a very real way. For a long time, I have repressed things, such as my ambivalence towards what feels like Plan B for my life, or my lifelong pipe dream to be creative with my writing. I am at a point now where it's not likely I'll be writing freelance or otherwise for awhile, and journalling doesn't keep me accountable to creative expression so much as record keeping, so I guess with a blog (and hopefully a readership following it) I'm hoping to return to better use of my brain and abilities, keep a meaningful and expressive hobby that is fulfilling, and generally put myself out there for anyone who wants to see. Coming of Age Entertainment/Education Reality-Style.

Trying to face myself in a very real way. Still. Also, while I have long been a trumpeter, a caller of attention to the elephants in the room of my life, there were a few things that were elephants in the room in my own mind, such as:

-motherhood isn't my great calling or strength;
-seemingly self-confident and strong me has felt rather insecure and weak throughout my life;
-despite believing in the Holy Trinity I sometimes experience doubts, anger, and fear about God;
-my marriage isn't perfect and I am prone to second guessing and using my youth as a scapegoat [i.e. I was too young to get married] when we are in hard times;
-and who knows how many other similar sorts of things

As an analytical sort, I want to know why I am the way I am - as such, this exploration that my blog affords me delves into my upbringing and experiences, the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. As these experiences often involved more than just myself, sometimes my blogging points to other people who've shaped me - my mother, my husband, my siblings, my children - in good and bad ways.

Some people think that such introspection can best be done on paper - privately. And for some people that's true. It hasn't proved to be for me - I start paper journaling, and before a week is up, I've dead-ended. Blogging, I have lasted for almost 2 years. And it has helped me a lot.

Two years ago, the elephant in the room was that I was seriously depressed and thinking about ending my life, albeit vaguely. Despite wanting desperately to talk about this, no one wanted to hear about it. Not that they didn't care, but it hurt them to think that I was hurting that badly, and it was a damned uncomfortable topic. So I didn't talk about it, even though everyone close to me knew that I was depressed and on meds, discussion about these feelings I was drowning in were off limits. Except for here.

Here, I found support. And community. Perspectives different than my own or those so close to me.

Most importantly, I felt HEARD.

So what if it wasn't the people who "needed" to hear me? For the first time in my life I am heard, and validation to my feelings is given. I may not be totally understood, given that what is written about here is only but a facet of my complicated self, but not only do people come to listen to my voice here, they HEAR it, absorb it, digest it, respond to it with something other than, "That's not true!"

I blog because through blogging I am finding myself and I am heard.


  1. You are definitely heard. And one of my favorite people to read. You are a really strong woman, Heather, even when you feel so much doubt. I really admire you.

  2. I love your new header thingy. Super cool. I'm just finally catching up on my blogginess. A month or more off will do that, I guess.