what i wish she would have let me say to her

Backstory: the latter part of July, I received a msg from a colleague regarding an executive position opening at a local non-profit.  While I am currently at home, it has always been part of the plan for me to return to work when Christopher began school.  We're not quite there yet, but seeing as this opportunity found me {I was not looking} and our finances are still pretty dire thanks to Pneumo-Geddon 2009 and the crapped economy, Seth and I had some very frank conversation about whether I should even pursue it, and decided together that indeed, I should at least test the waters.  I interviewed {x3}, took a personality test, and landed in the top 3 candidates, but alas, it was not meant to be.  And I was actually ok with it.  What follows is a conversation I wanted to have with a friend, after we'd had an exchange that crushed me up quite a bit.


Motherhood should be a blessing, not the guilt-inciting, martyr-making chore that the level of sacrifice you keep wanting me to make has turned it into.  I don't want motherhood to be the cross I have to pick up daily, I want it to be something that I enjoy, treasure and am thus able to offer my best to my kids.  The financial trauma my family has faced in the past 3 years has taken away from that, and I'm seeking to restore the balance of having enough {and my enough is not a materialistic enough fwiw}and being more present with my kids.  I am fully aware that the trade off of time away from my kids seems counter-intuitive from this, but trust me, my eyes are wide open looking into this.  To suggest otherwise was insulting to me, as I thought you knew me to be the thoughtful, analytical person I am.

I'd like to remind you, as I pointed out in subsequent communications, that I know your thoughts on the Mommy Wars quite well; as a result, I did not seek your advice or blessing regarding my potential return to work.

I also did not seek your encouragement after my child let it slip that we needed prayers because mom didn't get the job she was seeking.  But I got it.  Ninety minutes of it.

day 4: what you read

So, despite having kids aged 11, 9, and 3, I recently started going to the brand-spanking new MOPS group at our church. Not because I don't know how the motherhood drill goes, obvs, but because I'm feeling more stretched than ever with the constant hokey pokey of one foot in middle school, an arm in elementary, and the other foot in toddlerhood.

I had heard of MOPS before, but seriously, I thought it was more suited for the Stepford types, and bypassed it for many years. I had some good IRL friends and in the early years with my older two, I belonged to parenting message boards, which ultimately evolved into blogging circa 2006.  Now that I'm doing it, I've often thought, "Where was this in 2001, when I needed it so?"  No matter, things happen the way they're supposed to, right?

This book is the topic of our guided discussions and so far it is pretty good.  More cheerful than I am by nature, but definitely not Pollyanna or Stepford-ish.  Maybe it can help me be more focused on the big picture instead of the crisis of the moment!

day 3: this happened today

So, you can't really tell, but the wind was blowing those leaves HARD when I snapped this.  And that cloud in the background?  Just got bigger and darker as the gusts pushed it in.

We were sitting at a nice 80ish degree day with an occasional breeze, and over the course of the next couple hours, dropped a whopping 40 degrees.

day 2: lunchtime

So, there is no beautiful food picture for my 'lunchtime' photo.

No, today was one of those where we had a hearty breakfast, Christopher had a late late morning snack, I was fully engaged in housecleaning, and when I felt the first pang of hunger, I looked at the clock in the kitchen and saw we were more than 2 hours past noontime.  And, we needed to go run an errand before Colton got home from school in less than 2 hours, which would then initiate the evening crazy: the daily 14 mile round trip to pick Kelsey up from cross country, dinner, and parent teacher conferences (day 2).

So it was lunch on the go.

I hate the convenience of those Golden Arches whose food never decomposes :/

day 1: where you stood

So, in six years of blogging (give or take, what with the 6 month hiatuses and all), I've never done any of these daily blog prompt things, but I really hope to get back in the swing of it, so what better than a quick, easy photo of the day, with or without some words, to dive back into things?

While this is not a great photo, it does represent several things for me about where I've stood.  

free falling or dancing in the wind?

Yesterday while out doing mundane errands {that I'd put off for as long as possible...I hate getting license plate renewal tags}, I had a Moment.

It was not a Moment of epiphany, nor one of any huge significance, but time stood still and I just...watched.

I was driving out of Old Town, approaching the University and got stopped at the light.  And then I marveled at the light.  No, not the stoplight, but that September lighting that always seems to captivate me.  That gold-washed luminescence that seems to bathe everything in a radiant amber; it's a fleeting phenomenon, this seasonal aura seems to dissipate with the shift in axial angle of the earth and something compelled me to just watch it, because... well, just because.

The Jesus Factor

Lately I've been practicing being more mindful of my words, a difficult task for a compulsive blurter and out-loud-thinker such as myself.  Tucked into this study of my speech is a look at what my actions communicate as well.

Partly inspired by the {largely} unnecessary rift my as-yet-unprocessed, somewhat reactionary words recently caused between a friend and me, a large part of this introspective exercise has been prompted by social media and the endemic disregard for viewpoints other than one's own.

Blowing the dust off

I should be doing anything but writing a blog post.  Especially since I haven't touched this blog in over 5 months -there is no readership, no community waiting to hear from me.

But...

Something pulls at me.

I have work up to my ears, professionally and personally, that need attending.  Work that is why I got up before the sun this morning.  Work that I need to finish.

But...

Something whispers to me, "Awake!"

I've been asleep for a long time, wandering in the desert in a semi-conscious stupor, not really grumbling at God like the Israelites.  I couldn't be that short-sighted after all He's done for me, now could I?  No, I haven't been ungrateful, unable to remember the remarkable things God has done in my life, so much as I've been....

Veiled.  There's been something between me and God that keeps me from really seeing, hearing, feeling His presence in my life.  Pride?  Weariness?  Apathy?  Shaky faith?  I don't know.  I haven't been able to put my finger on it, but suffice to say that I have been in a pattern of just going through the motions for a long time.  I don't know the last time I sat down with God and really communed with Him, at least outside of church, anyway.  Because there have been plenty of moments not unlike a party where I've really connected with a lifelong friend, but then something comes along and I promise to take up the conversation later.  And yet, I never do.

Last night we went to our church's youth group since our Life Group wasn't meeting.  Rather than a lesson, we had a conversation about how life, particularly Christian life, holds no promise of being a walk in the park, among various other cliche's.  I, being the pop culture thinker I am, immediately heard a reprise in my mind...."I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden."  That song, though not that version, is older than I am, and so universally true.  

We talked about the barriers, often self-induced - though not always, we struggle against as we strive to walk with God.  Throughout the discussion, God kept nudging me, as He often does when I'm struggling, with Scriptures that have been present in my own recent glimpses at the Word: Romans 8:31-39, Hebrews 12:1-2, and a few others that fade in my memory Toward the end of the discussion, a wise sister brought up a passage in 2 Corinthians 3 that spoke to me, as well as her thoughts regarding the words inspired by God.

¹² Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. ¹³ We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to prevent the Israelites from seeing the end of what was passing away. ¹⁴ But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. ¹⁵ Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. ¹⁶ But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. ¹⁷ Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 

As she shared this, she likened our tendency to pull away from God and try to prove our independence in our struggles, that we can handle this On. Our. Own! to that veil on us today.  That when we turn to the Lord and proclaim our dependence, and our joyful submission to that dependence, there is nothing between us, that we are free to become....

...transformed into His image with ever increasing glory...

Huh....another repeat (look at my header).  Blog has since been redesigned {again}.

Thanks for the reminder, Father.  I thank you for your enduring patience with my stubborn independence, and praise you for your gentle and abundant love.  I pray that you will help me to proclaim my dependence on you and bless me with the unveiled glories of your presence that follows submission.  Thank you for Jesus and his humanity, his example, and his sacrifice.  Thank you for the hope you provide in the promise that you will transform us, that we are not doomed to continue the same heartaches of life over and over, but that we may rise above them with your help.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

Run through...

Courtesy of Coloradoan
Fort Collins 2011 FireKracker 5k

Run through the FAT days,

   Run despite whoever loves you {or doesn’t}

  Run through REGRET and GUILT,

 Run through FRUSTATIONS,

  Run though LONELINESS,

 Run through those BLISSFUL days

Run despite your DYSFUNCTIONAL family

 Run through people drifting IN & OUT of your life

Run through your own fits of SELF-DOUBT

Because i am NO LONGER that girl 

who thought constantly of her struggle to disappear

I RUN

to be HEALTHY, 

grow STRONGER, 

and be as ALIVE 

as I possibly can

  

poem from a pinterest post I stumbled on eons ago.

Today was one of those blissful running days.  I of course, had the kids with me, and couldn't go as fast and free as I felt like going, but it was one of those gorgeous, warm and sunny in Colorado winter days that is such a gem after being indoors too long.

So glad to be able to get out again, and pray that this weather continues.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us
throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and 

let us RUN with perseverance the race marked out for us. 

--Hebrews 12:1

Light Up the Sky

Woke up this morning to a beautiful sunrise (thankfully the sun is rising later than o'dark-thirty - near 7ish - or else I'd have missed this gorgeous celestial display)

 You light up the sky to show me that you are with me

No I can't deny that you and right here with me

 LORD, our Lord, 

   how majestic is your name in all the earth!

   You have set your glory 

   in the heavens

When I consider your heavens,    

the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars,    

which you have set in place, 

what is mankind that You are mindful of them,    

human beings that You care for them?

More stunning photos are seen on Julie's blog.  (She's much better with a camera than me)  

And this video, is just awesome, watch as the skies came to life:

For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature... 

-Romans 1:20

Resolved: To Reflect [and Correct] Continually

Yesterday we had a really good sermon about resolutions and repentance - despite our speaker's claim that it was a non New Year's resolutions sermon.

Why?

Because {insert gross oversimplification of the message here:} we shouldn't wait to change - we should change as soon as we feel something is a problem in our lives.  Now.  Not Monday or New Year's Day, today!

I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment.

And yet....

My only counterpoint is that we shouldn't toss the baby out with the bathwater and call all New Year's resolutions bad.  Yes, if you identify a problem in your life on January 3rd and don't do squat about it until January 1st of the following year - that's a problem.  If you resolve to change and it only lasts a week or two, that's bad too.

But, often in our culture, we don't take time to reflect, save when Hallmark (or Dick Clark as the case may be) tells us to.  And in reflecting, it is only then we can identify areas to improve, grow, and do differently in our lives.  One of the most natural times to do so is New Year's, and so, I contend that if you make New Year's resolutions more as a result of reflection than as a result of putting off the challenging, painful process known as CHANGE, more power to you.

In the same vein of the sermon, though - I think we ought to reflect more in our 21st century lives, take time to unplug, slow down, breathe quietly with God, communing freely with Him dwelling on our hopes, dreams, and our druthers and reconciling them with what we know to be His will for us.  We don't spend one meaningful night/weekend with our other loved ones and call it good for a year, do we?

For planning purposes - I feel that we should do some serious introspection and self-evaluate our personal performance and/or goals in life at least quarterly.  What's going well?  What's not?  Strengths/Weaknesses?  Where/What would we like to be by the next quarter?

For intimacy with God purposes - most Christians talk of a daily walk with God.  This is more than church attendance and corporate prayers. As I shared last time, I've been struggling with this, and really, it's not a new struggle - it's been my same struggle since I first told the Lord He could have my life.  Here's my life, but uh, I'm not quite ready to talk to you about everything.

So, for accountability purposes, and because I tend to be like Aibileen from The Help, doing better with writing my prayers (though I can't claim a high/speedy rate of positive answers like Aibilene did), I'm going to attempt small, daily frequent, check-ins with God.  By writing my prayers, I also avoid the over-usage of God's favorite word, too.  Hehehe..... Some will be here, the stuff that has to do primarily with me and my struggles (so that we avoid this kind of situation), and stuff involving other people will be written in a journal.

Today, I begin...

Dear Heavenly Father,
Who am I that You care for me?  But You do, lavishing rich and universal blessings on all Your children, the richest of which was Your Son.  A thousand thanks to Jesus!  But it goes beyond that.  You bless me in ways that speak to my heart, ways that aren't one size fits all.  And You do this for everyone who has ever existed and loved You.  That's pretty amazing.

I come to you today with a sheepish heart.  I've been playing hide n seek again....or is still a better word here?  I don't know exactly, but you do.  I always want to do better at reading about you and learning who you are more intimately, but then I don't ever do it, at least not consistently.

There's a word, consistent.  I feel like it is the antithesis of my essence, and I hate that, because so many things, good things, preach consistency.  Parenting skills, health and wellness lifestyles, financial management, bible reading, prayer....and I'm not consistent in any of those areas and wonder why life feels so chaotic all the time.  I pray that you will help me, dear Lord.  Help me to daily take one step closer to you so that I can feel the affirmation of Your promise to come toward me in return.  Please help me to consistently seek You so that I can become more consistent in other areas in life.  Help me to see Your goodness and strive to mirror that to my children, family, friends, neighbors, and strangers.

I thank you so much for providing the opportunity to teach my kids a valuable lesson about respect today.  An opportunity that I would love to say I've been praying for You to provide, but we both know that's just not the case.  Nonetheless, it's been on my mind as I've seen some areas of concern in recent months, and You gave us an Incident, which gave me a huge opportunity to teach them.  One in which I'm pretty sure they heard me.  It wasn't fun, and I'm not exactly proud of the details of the Incident, but the end result was a good vehicle for learning and growth.