Heather in the Making

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Costs of Having Very Low Taxes

Colorado is sacrificing their future in order to maintain a low-tax, minimal government regulation culture.

And that is not ok with me.

Not only are we 49th in the nation for education spending, we are also in that same spot for mental health care spending, care for persons with developmental disabilities, and now this.

Something's gotta give.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Inside Jokes and Understanding

When you've been with a person for any length of time, little inside jokes develop over that period of mutual history.

This year marks the spot where Charlie Brown has been in my life longer than he wasn't a part of it. Granted, the first two years we knew each other he was antagonistic to me - he was a senior boy barely making it thru school and I was a freshman, uber-nerdy girl - but still - it's weird to think that. And of the 14 years we've known each other, almost 10 of them have been as man and wife.

This amount of time, coupled with our love for pop culture, and the fact that Charlie Brown and I can make almost anything into a joke equates to a LOT of inside jokes over the years.

One of the longest standing jokes is that of "Brilliant!" being whispered by Charlie Brown whenever I happen to make a thoughtful comment at our church's congregational bible study. It's a hybrid reference regarding our love for Guinness and a throwback to our past. Drives me nuts, but also cracks me up. And he knows it.

Yesterday, we were talking about Jesus and his interactions with the following people were related, and how we could apply this theme in our marriages:

After a lot of thought provoking discussion and commentary, I raised my hand.

"One of the things that hits me most is how Jesus saw the whole person, flaws and all, and focused on the positive rather than getting all caught up in the things they did wrong. Our spouses are not our enemies, and if we take the time to focus on the positive attributes at times of disagreements, it can help us to stay in check with each other."

There was a lot of oohing and awing as people agreed. Without missing a beat, Charlie Brown leans over, "You're brilliant! Listen to you Miss Relationship. Brilliant!"

Wryly, I whispered back, "Yeah, except I'm not so great at practicing what I preach."

His sincere answer back to me took me by surprise. "But that's what's so great about you, honey. You know exactly where you are screwed up - and you strive for change. Those are no small potatoes."

We laughed quietly at this little inside joke.

If I'd gotten nothing out of the Bible Study but that moment, it would have been worth it.

Made me think of a song....

It's these sorts of things that make me feel an intimacy (into-me-see) with Charlie Brown that I don't have with anyone else. And that's pretty special.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

It's Like Losing My Best Friend

I had been telling myself that it didn't mean anything.

That it had just been the wrong time of day.

Or the wrong position.

But we had a perfect storm today, and I was SOclose!

But no cigar...After an encounter with a "pinch hitter," and still no cigar, it became official.

I've lost my "O."

And that is hard to accept, as my "O" was fairly frequent, significant part of my life. Charlie Brown rather likes her too.

She shall be missed.

Question is, what do other women do when faced with the no depression v. no "O" conundrum? I have to cope with this and I'm not quite sure how.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Two Stubborn Chicks

Today I took a Macy's bag out of my trunk to consolidate some stuff we'd bought at Sam's Club.

LMNOB, in keeping with her latest delusion that she is the dictator/interrogator of the universe, had plenty of knowi-it-all, bossi-tude, hands on her hips as she inquired, "Now where did YOU get a Macy Penney's bag?"

I laughed and laughed.

"Two things, babe-cakes...One, you are not my older sister - lay off with the attitude, a'ight? Where or when I buy things is none of your business. Two, it's just Macy's."

"Nooo, it's Macy PENNEY'S, Mom." With an eye-roll, to boot.

"'scuse me darlin', but it is just Macy's. I think you are getting confused with JC Penney's. Now show your mama some respect and apologize for your rudeness."

"But Moooooooooooooooom! I thought it was Macy Penney's," she protested.

"Yeah, and you were wrong. But even if you weren't wrong, there is a way to say things nicely and not rudely. Now come on and say it, "I'm sorry for thinking I know everything. Clearly Mama, you are the smarter one."

Yeah. Well I knew it was a stretch, but sooner or later she'll come around.

"Look Mommy, Pat Austin bloomed!"

Sometimes, LMNOB just makes me want to roll on the floor laughing.

Earlier this week, the proclamation used for the title was gleefully announced by one nearly-hyperventilating little blonde girlie.

Because I'd been looking at a book that talked about the birds and the bees in preparation for one of those talks with her, the first thing I thought was, "That would've been a great Judy Blume title."

Remember my mention of a therapeutic plant-a-thon last weekend? Picture is coming, I know I'm a slacker! In the meantime, here's some of the bounty, pre-planting:

Well, we'd bought two Jackson and Perkins rosebushes, one of which was a delightfully dusky yellow, peachy, pink tea rose called Pat Austin - and being that LMNOB's Asperger-like tendancies lean towards botany, well, naturally she'd absorbed the rose's stats in the first five minutes we owned it.

I think that this statement was also made Tuesday - the day we started a new group therapy at the OT's. LMNOB got to have a joint session (and will continue to do so for the summer) with a little girl, Named After Tree, who has autism, and a little boy that we've done a few sessions with before who has sensory issues too. This little boy is a kick in the pants. He lands on the opposite end of the social spectrum than LMNOB, which means he's the type of kid who's very forward. They all dug a garden, rowed hoes, planted sunflower and pea seeds, then watered and covered their would-be-plants. Part of the exercise was for all of the kiddos to use their words and interact socially with each other, in addition to the heavy work and textural sensations - and they had a blast.

As they worked, I had a realization. The other children's parents didn't participate or interact with their kids or the therapists (BT the OT and one of her co-workers, also an OT). And it made me wonder...just how involved are these parents with the therapies that their kiddos need so desperately? I mean, effective occupational therapies are instituted day in and day out at home with the weekly sessions, and not simply relying on a once/wk office visit.

I have always sat in on LMNOB's sessions. Not that I don't trust BT the OT with her alone, because I totally do. But more because we can debrief on how the week has been since our last session together, share successes and milestones, like LMNOB riding her bike without training wheels! It's to engage BT the OT and make her better connected to us so that we get the most out of our time together, because I want my child to get the very best interventions she can.

I am not dogging these other parents - I don't know the whole picture. I don't know how many siblings these kiddos have, if any. I don't know anything. Except that they are exceptional kids and I wish that I could say for certain that they have parents who are trying their damnedest to ensure they get the very best too. Some things that BT the OT has said about her appreciation of my involvement tells me that they may not.

Groowl...a little mama bear in me came out.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Mission: Capture the Moment

Because what spunky red-head worth her salt can resist a dare?

And because several of my bloggies have been brave enough to do this - so must I then...

The Mission:

Your mission, should you choose to accept it: Post a photo of yourself taken right now. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, grab a camera and snap. No retouching, just the rawness of a moment in time. Then post your photo on flickr or your blog/site, and share the link in comments here.
Ready? GO.

Taken at 12:30 pm Friday, just after sitting at the kitchen table with lappy - to do school work.

But then I got a call from some attorney in California, asking for Charlie Brown or Heather Meyer - told him that he had the H factor of that equation, and then he goes all, "I need to talk to your father in law about a legal matter."

"Uh, well he's never lived here - he lives over on the other side of the mountains from here."

"Oh, uh, I think I may have the wrong Meyer's then. Your father-in-law isn't Robert Meyer is it?"

"Nope!"

So yeah...schoolwork. That sounds fun, but let me just check out Becky first....

And here we are.

I have make-up on, but only because I thought I was going to the office today - but LMNOB is hacking worse than Thelma and Selma, so, home we are.

My hairs in the front are all askew b/c I just got done sweeping/mopping the downstairs.

And do I look tired? Because I am. It's Friday though, yay!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

"So, You're Saying my Computer Has an Autoimmune Disease?"

"Sort of...ahh, yup, pretty much," said DSW's techie husband.

Basically, the "nerves" of the computer fail to recognize my wireless card anymore.

The result is kind of like a man rendered impotent by an accident - the desire to connect is there, but the mechanism in which to do so is not.

The fix?

This little gizmo here. It works, I'm writing on my lappy as I speak. And that makes me very happy!

Timely

Yesterday I kind of had a wig out moment.

I'd gone thru my syllabus and input due dates as well as a plan to manage the readings in my calendar.

Conclusion: I'm pretty much screwed for the summer. Nah, it isn't that bad - I'm just going to have to be REALLY good with managing my time...something I tend to self-sabotage myself with often. As in I create a lot of my own chaos because my psyche has a hard time working in clarity and peace.

We had Wednesday night church and then I'd planned on getting together with DSW for some girl time - and I was a little alarmed at how much I had to do and how was I going to get it all done and yada yada.

On the way home from work, I prayed. For the first time in what feels like ages, it was something more than a guttural moan of, "Oh, Gooooooooooooood...."

I felt a bit sheepish, as if I'd been playing a bit of hide and seek with Him, but I muttered through somewhat awkwardly, "Heavenly Father....uh, hi? I uh, am a little freaked out, Lord and just need Your Peace. Please help me to enjoy the fellowship at church tonight and with DSW without a running to-do list commentary in the back of my mind. Please Lord, help me to turn that off as I try to focus on what I can learn from You tonight. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Not the most eloquent, thorough, or even transparent prayer, but baby steps, right?

You see, I have this thing. I feel like if people know the true workings of my mind, that if I show off all of my scars, that people will look, but then slowly back away with second thoughts about me. Who knew she was so messed up? Uhhh, dude, oooookaaaay.....See ya!

And then there's that other thing, that asking for help thing. I have trust issues when it comes to others holding up their end of the helping bargain, because I've been let down so many times and had my weaknesses held against me.

It's no different with God for me. I know that He is the ultimate daddy that I never had. I know that He will never let me down. I know that He loves me unconditionally, scars and all. I know that no mistake of mine is too big for His grace.

And yet feeling these things that I know and have been proven to me, over and over again in my life, still evades me at times. So I back away, because if I don't reach out to Him or ask Him for something, He can't possibly reject me, or fail me, right? If I don't allow myself to hope, I am less likely to feel the sting of disappointment when reality differs from my wistful expectations, right?

Who knows...right or wrong, that's what I do when I'm depressed. I think I'm not worthy and I back away from God, when in reality I should be clinging to Him with fervor. I hear He weathers storms rather gracefully.

So...we made it to church, where they were kicking off family nights for the summer. Family nights are great - we eat at church (yay, no scrambling to fix dinner) and then connect with each other. This year's theme is "God's story, My story" and is going to be men testifying about times when God has intervened in their lives. Very intimate. Stuff I've been craving for a long time.

Last night's speaker was a man whom I admire very much. He's very intelligent, articulate, and engages people in respectful dialogue when there are differences of opinion, versus harsh debates. On many disputable matters, we differ, but on the core tenets of our shared faith, we are very much in agreement.

He got up and shared about his one-time battle with depression, humbly, openly, frankly.

I'd have never guessed. Ever.

His battle was a little more Freudian than bio-chemical, a little more mind over matter than the very biologically based depressions I have experienced, and thus was more "treatable" with prayer and his relationship with God and not as med-reliant as mine have tended to be.

But despite differences, he's felt the despair, and can relate.

And I'm not alone.

Psalm 88 - King David's Depression
1 O LORD, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you.
2 May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.
3 For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am like a man without strength.
5 I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, and who are cut off from your care.
6 You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths.
7 Your wrath lies heavily upon me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
8 You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to
them. I am confined and cannot escape;
9 my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, O LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the
land of oblivion?
13 But I cry to you for help, O LORD; in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, O LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me?
15 From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death; I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Hello, Karma? Are we about done with this whole crap phase?

Porter puppy's ass blew up tonight.

Conveniently, Charlie Brown was gone buying dessert.

I was bathing Punkinhead when all of a sudden, sniff sniff, "Hey who far..." I trailed off.

In unison, LMNOB and I shrilled, "Oh, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW," as we spied the brown puddle on the bathroom floor. Said Hershey squirts also trailed down my carpeted stairs.

Punkinhead wailed, "It Stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnkses, Mamaaaaaaaaa!"

Yeah, tell me about it.

It got cleaned up. The bathroom was fairly quick going, but the stairs?

Took me an hour of scrubbing with carpet cleaning granules and vaccuuming.

I was not able to commence my homework until 9:00pm - so I was a bit growly about that.

I'm just wondering what the heck I did to deserve this.

Note to Karma: I would really prefer some sphincter control vibes sent my way. That or Mike Rowe needs to come live with me.

Monday, June 2, 2008

I'm just fan-freaking-tastic! :0D

My [Master's level] Economics and Public Finance class started today. I have never in my life taken an econ class. Intimidated much? Uhhh....yeah. Is my book here yet? Nope. Was I able to log into the class today? Nope. Seems the CU-online platform had a "glitch" today and they had to manually add everyone WHO WAS ALREADY REGISTERED in today. IF they called. Which I did, but frick, folks, why not send out an e-mail letting folks know what is going on before causing widespread hysteria, eh?

That would be too easy.

Oh, and my lappy's still down. Has lost her home network connectivity too so file-sharing is non-existant. BIL thought my wireless card had tin whiskers and so we ordered a new wireless card. Got it today and put it in - didn't change a damned thing. So I have no mobility with my class work and that sucks.

Note to all - summer school = condensed session, which means time is of the essence. I don't have time for this crap!

Oh and speaking of crap....

Per her responses to my daily poop inquisitions, LMNOB has been eliminating regularly...and her breath is fine. But (pun delightfully intended) she still has issues with knowing when to go.

She has an unconscious signal that I've honed in on over the past 14 months - she brings her hand to her tailbone just minutes before she needs to go. It's generally fool-proof - I see the sign, I tell her to go potty and we have no accident.

But lately, she's taken offense to Mommy minding her potty habits. "I don't need to!" And she's probably right on in that it doesn't SEEM that she needs to, but the hand keeps finding the tailbone and I usually keep insisting.

Well tonight we did that dance, with Mommy Knows Best and Daughter's Willful Independence duking it out for the lead. DWI won out, briefly.

But then, "Maybe we should go the bathroom," uttered by a sheepish LMNOB.

So, as we were all at Charlie Brown's softball game, LMNOB, Punkinhead, and I all corralled ourselves into the disabled bathroom (space is a handicap, right?). As LMNOB clearly began a #2, I asked her about her stools today.

Had she gone?

Yes, three times today, she informed me with big eyes.

Hard, regular, or runny?

Mmmmm, regular, but kind of runny.

"That's because we had a lot of fruits and veggies yesterday."

And then I spied her panties...full of fresh crap.

"LMNOB....honey, you've got to tell me when that happens - you can't just sit in it, honey - your bum will get raw. When did that happen?"

"Just a few minutes ago, Mommy."

And so it goes.

Hopefully the next woman on the rag in that stall won't freak too much when she sees a shitty pair of panties in the feminine hygiene basket as she throws her pad/tampon applicator in there.

Two Week Mark

Last night, at roughly 9:00, a feeling of calm, that zen-like feeling I have been seeking, finally hit.

It’d been a rough weekend.

My in-laws had come up, after having only JUST spent 5 days with them, for the weekend. Now, I love my in-laws, truly I do.

But...

I like being at home in my home. And the ability to walk out of my bedroom in bra and panties to peruse the laundry that’s still in the dryer for clothes to wear. Also, the freedom to have sex with my husband, wildly abandoning the fear of being indiscreet. Oh, and having children who listen to me…and while that one borders on fantasy, it does seem to me that they listen to me more when there isn’t an audience from whom they might receive attention, positive or negative.

Let’s elaborate more on that one, ok? Punkinhead has been a complete terror for the past week. Totally seeking out negative attention and generally being a bastardly, bi-polar, minion from hell. I love this little boy like no tomorrow, but this week I’m convinced he was a changeling, albeit of a later-blooming variety.

From wanting to marry me to screaming at me that he hated me and he wanted me killed to being kissy face with me to glowering at me while uttering, “You’wre the howrwriblest muddewr evewr!” And that’s just the verbal assaults. He kicked me, hit me. And hid from me when he was being punished.

He got soap in his mouth. Time outs. Some serious talking to’s. And several spankings.

Nothing seemed to work. And it wore on me. I was starting to feel like my life had just continued to spiral downward, and when the eff was my antidepressant going to kick in and take some of this shiz away?

But then Nana and Papa left to go home.

We ate dinner in relative peace.

The kids, somewhat pink from the sun and sprinklers that afternoon, sat and watched cartoons as Charlie Brown and I set out to plant the bounty of new plants we’d bought yesterday.

For an hour or so I freed up root bundles (so that the plant establishes itself in the new pot more thoroughly) and played in the dirt, planting flowers in my window boxes and front porch pots.

Punkinhead was crashed on the couch. Hard. I mean, the world could have come to an end and he still would have been in dreamland. I put him upstairs in his bed with nary a peep.

LMNOB was fairly easy to get into bed.

Charlie Brown and I picked up the yard tools in the backyard, admired our handiwork, and sat out in the cool summer breeze for awhile, chatting with our neighbor.

We went inside to the still cooler, air-conditioned house, and sat in front of the television for awhile. As I got up for a snack, I felt it hit me.

Calm.

Peace.

Satisfaction.

Accomplishment.

I told Charlie Brown, “You, know it’s just sort of eerie….it is within minutes.”

He was like, “Huh???”

I elaborated, “I just took my 14th pill…the package said, ‘2 weeks before noticeable change,’ and even today I was still foggy, but right now I feel calmer and clearer than I’ve felt in months.”

And already today, I’ve done more at work than I did in all of last week.

That feels good.

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