A Synopsis...of Sorts

Sort of in that I just don't do short stories all that well, right?

So....

This week I had an assignment for my class to:

1. Interview the finance person for a non-profit/government/healthcare organization; and
2. Get them to reveal their most pressing financial challenge for the coming year[s] to me; and
3. Write a BRIEF (one order of Heather's Kryptonite coming right up!) memo to the instructor detailing said organization and their respective challenge, as well as my 'penetrating analysis, offering sage advice."

Because either the instructor didn't get the memo that we are all students, many of whom have never had direct financial management experience outside of casa del :insert last name here:, or he uses sage advice with license looser than the tooth my daughter refuses to just. pull. out. already!

I digress...as usual.

Anyway, the caveat was that we were to pick complex situations, and organizations for whom we didn't currently work.  Hmmm....Well, he didn't say we couldn't pick an organization for which we used to work, so I shot off an e-mail to the CFO of the organization that hired me fresh out of college some 9 years ago.

Dear CFO dude who used to really intimidate my 22 year old self with both his physical stature and his intellectual command of numbers,
Hi!  Remember me?

I really hoped he didn't actually remember me, as in actually working together with me, because I was really young, green, and well, I shot my mouth off at him on my last day.  To my credit, he was being a jerk at the time and I was later praised by others for my boldness.  Perhaps he remembered me for my work with the homeless count, or other such community presence.

Blah, blah, blah - hey, I'm doing an assignment for grad school, and could you do me a favor by interviewing with me? 

His response was, yes of course he remembered me, yes, he'd love to help me out, yada yada, bada bing, we set a date and time.

The other day I set out to interview him and as we reacquainted ourselves, he pretty much told me that I'd left a good name with the agency and if I'd like to help them out with some grant-writing while their development director was out on maternity leave, they'd love to have my help.  Remember when I said that whole deal about breaking the nets?  Yeah!

Then we get down to business.

Except he paints this totally rosy picture for me about the agency's fiscal outlook.  Bottom line is that legislation being implemented re: Medicaid eligibility, not to mention the impact of our craptastic economy, has increased the number of folks eligible for their services, and since that is the bulk of their budget - business was booming.

We talk a few other details and I get kind of stuck.

I say, wrinkling my nose in quiet frustration, "Well.....the assignment was for me to identify your challenges and then," I go into air-quote mode, "offer my 'sage advice' on what to do to address those challenges.  But it seems like you guys have already had your challenging years and are now rebuilding.  Hmmm..."

He says, "Yeah....I might challenge you to talk to another non-profit and compare and contrast...."

I look at him and tap my pen on my notepad a few seconds.

Something clicks.

"So, you basically have said that due to the bad economic conditions more people are becoming Medicaid-eligible, due in part to unemployment or under-employment, and that has benefited you.  What happens when the economy rebounds, and those consumers who came to you in their unemployment find new jobs, with insurance, and say, you're not in the insurance's network so they leave?  What do you do then, I mean it seems like you might be in a 'bubble' like the housing market was in, right?"

He looks at me and smiles, in concession.  "You," he says pointing at me, "You always were a pain in my side with your questions, weren't you?"  And it seems like some of the memories of my days with him are returning.  He clarifies, "I mean that in a good way, ya know?  It means you're smart, and that's good - really good.  But for someone like me, it is SO ANNOYING!"  He laughs and nods his head.  "That right there, that's our biggest challenge over the next five years.  Bing-O."  It was such a fraternal way of paying a high compliment - and with the earlier job offer, I was practically floating on the clouds!

I smile and tell him, "See, I can make this assignment work after all - just had to dig a bit!"

We talked some more and wrapped up.  Then he took me to meet the development staff person who wasn't on maternity leave - whom I actually worked with, albeit only via e-mail, while I was at the city.  Then he told on her that she had once confided in her co-worker that CFO Dude really intimidated her too and that she didn't like to work with him!  We laughed and talked some more and I really began to see CFO dude in a new light, one that made him look less like a bogeyman who could chew me up and spit me out.

Then, he asked Development #2 if she could take me to the clubhouse (a vocational rehab site for the consumers) and give me a tour, which she did.  It was amazing and I was truly proud to have had some affiliation with such a meaningful organization.

And, cut!  This is so long, and yet it has virtually none of the she-said-and-then-I-said details that my hubby and friends got to hear - thus, I stand by my title.
© 2006-present Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Stream of Consciousness

I hate getting behind.  But last week Special K and Middleton were out of school for not one, but two non-snow snow days.  The weather was below zero with wind-chill, but the roads were clear and not hazardous in our area with very little actual snow, so I didn't really get why they got two days off, seeing as it IS Colorado and things do get cold from time to time, but hey, whatever, right?  We mostly did alright, with little to no altercations, save for the incessant undoings of anything I attempted to do domestically, which then resulted in subsequent RE-doings to the power of x, x being that mysterious value of "you will never get anything accomplished today, bahahaha!"  Quality time with the kids, good.  Falling behind in laundry, housework, my Finance Mgt for Non-Profits class, and life in general: Bad....very bad.  I'm digging out.  Slowly.  Obscene amounts of caffeine are predicted in the forecast.

Mr. Fixit and I had a date night on Friday.  The first since.....our anniversary???  Which would have been July.  Sad, I know.  It was GLORIOUS.  My BIL and his wife had given us a gift card to The Outback for Christmas, and some friends had graced us with a gift card to the movie theater, also for Christmas.  Last month, after a snow storm during which Mr. Fixit had done his usual neighborhood snow-blowing, I came home to a note on the door from our neighbor which had a gift card in it - also for the Outback!  We had a friend's daughter come sit our kids since she is saving money for a missions trip this summer (also - tangential side note....14 years ago, if someone would have told my 18 year old self that the then toddler with the cute blonde hair and brown eyes would be babysitting my own children - kids, me? and plural no less? - in what would seem like a blink, I would have laughed at them maniacally).  So we ate at Outback in conversation that was blissfully absent of whining, pinching, or some other activity warranting parental intervention, and then went to see 127 Hours.  It was a good movie.  But, I was unprepared to be hit with torrential emotions as I seem to have drawn some keen parallels between Aron Ralston's plight with that of my own glance at mortality nearly two years ago.  Vastly different settings and details, but that familiar roller coaster of hope and despair, coupled with a mutually experienced, primal, and determined will to survive, left me shaking in my seat as the credits rolled, hands fanned out in a vee and my thumbs attempting to dam the tears.  PTSD's adrenaline had been coursing through me, unbeknownst, and culminated at the scene where he finally knew he was going to make it, for reals, as the helicopter hovered over him....at first just a few tears flowed down, but then I was sobbing and shuddering, borne of something extremely similar to that very potent cocktail of joy and adrenaline one experiences moments after giving birth.  *sigh*  life is good, eh?

I got my first paycheck as a free-lancing, independent contracting, non-profit consultant on Saturday!  And I now have me a fancy-pants business account with a registered trade-name and DBA and everything.  I'm so excited about what the future holds for this endeavor and just know that 2011 is going to be a great year for us.

I don't remember how I landed on this article about extended nursing awhile back, but I swear, it rings so true to my life, particularly this part:

...They are his breasts now. He strokes them lovingly through my shirt and cups them with his palms. He blows raspberries on them and giggles. He nurses in a toddler variation of Downward Facing Dog while simultaneously thumbing the pages of Goodnight Moon. He slaps my chest with both hands and shouts....

I don't know that I'm as embarrassed as the author of the article says she was re: Screech's extended nursing, but we've definitely cut out nursing in public at this point not because I worry about what other people will think, but 1.) his acrobatics are mutually exclusive with any attempts for modesty, which is MY preference, and 2.) there has to be some sort of balance around teaching him boundaries, no?  I still enjoy the quiet moments, the cuddles.  Though it did a number on my body's balance of supply/demand, I had incredible peace of mind when he had 2 GI bugs back to back because I knew through nursing he was getting nourishment as he simply would not eat any food or drink other liquids.  But there are times, like Saturday night in bed, when I get tired of always having an unwieldy toddler stretching my breast into positions once filed in the erstwhile mental category of  "humanly impossible."

French's yellow mustard has something going on.  Special K is something of an anomaly for kids when it comes to her tastes in sandwich spreads - that is, she is a mustard and lunchmeat only kinda gal.    Same goes for burgers, hot dogs, and other condiment-requiring foods.  She'd do great in TX, no?  Last week at the International Festival, Middleton just about popped a gasket b/c the mustard at the concessions stand, French's yellow, was too spicy.  I tasted it, and sure enough, it had the vinegary twang of yellow mustard but the heat of the hottests of Chinese mustards.  I assumed it was an isolated incident.  Until today when I was making lunches and Special K insisted that I NOT use the mustard I used yesterday because it burned.  Sure enough, the brand new bottle I bought was not the same taste we've relied on for years.

Well...this has been days of SoC writing, best to hit publish and get to work.

© 2006-present Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Slamming Doors Shut and Prying Open Windows

Yesterday   well, given that it is now almost two days later, MONDAY, I officially gave myself permission to say "This isn't working," regarding my stint as a lia sophia advisor.

I just didn't have the knack for getting the right people to host, much less attend parties for me.  And while I TOTALLY LOVE their jewelry, and stand behind their quality, the biggest part that didn't work for me was trying to sell people on the idea that they Needed. More. Stuff.  I mean, the whole Material Girl scene has never been mine, but this sale was especially hard to make when I myself have been in no position to buy jewelry, let alone store-bought laundry soap, new clothes that aren't second-hand, etc., and I KNOW that I'm not the only one given our knock-down economic state of affairs right now.

I've been praying for a long time about this, and I thought that a recent inquiry from out of the blue was a sign to not give up - but when my hostess went incognito on me and all other newly rekindled attempts to drum up leads were snuffed out, I kindly got out of the way before God let the door hit me in the heinie.

I'd pretty much made my mind up about this on Friday, but this weekend sealed the deal.

In a really ironic way, a simple phone call with my mom opened up a whole new world of opportunity for me. I was telling her about being on the verge of kissing lia sophia goodbye and she suddenly POOF! transformed into a veritable career advice fairy godmother!

Turns out, she's been moonlighting as a Court Appointed Parenting Coordinator and as she told me all about it, it is totally up my alley.  It's basically a free-lance case manager type of deal; parents have to pay a retainer to her and then she bills the hourly rate set by the judge from it as she works for the family (I for one love that paid in advance deal, don't you??)


Not only could I see myself doing this and being successful with it, but I WANT to do this and be successful with it.  And not just for my fiscal benefit.  You see, if I do a good job in that kind of venue, EVERYONE wins - me (cha-ching money never hurt anyone), the child[ren] in question, the family, etc.  And I do love me some good win-win set-ups.

So, to get started?  I am re-writing my resume and writing cover letters to query local attorneys about their need for PC's as well as for referrals. And, because I am all about diversifying the eggs and not putting them all in one conservative portfolio, I'm also using the same tactic with local therapists and counselors re: case management for their clientele.  I did it for the non-profit sector, but never thought to think outside that box and extend my services to self-payers in the private practice system.

Also in the back of my mind has been the dream of writing for keeps.  You know, to be a for-reals kind of writer, the kind I just knew I would be when I was whipping up some fantabulous 6th grade literature (some pieces of which my teacher confirmed via facebook is still in her possession because she used them for every succeeding class post-1991 as examples...now if only she would send them to me as she promised!) the kind that lands magazine deals and culminates with BOOKS.  Yeah, that.

So long ago I shelved that dream on the premises that I didn't get an English degree - nor did I really take all that many writing classes period since I placed out of them during college entry - that I hadn't done any writing extracurriculars (e.g. college newspaper), and that I simply didn't know how to get started.

And now?  Now I am saying to that logic, "SO WHAT?!?!"

I'm going to go for it!

Going for it, reaching for my dreams and all that other clichéd verbiage looks something like a wild maelstrom of the creative process known as brainstorming.

And know what?

It feels really good.

For a long time now I've lamented the feeling of having lost some of myself in this SAHM chapter.  Not losing my SELF as in "Me Time," or "Grown Up Stuff" or ambition or whatever guise that selfishness might wear - not that.  But that sparkle, that feeling of knowing that I'm competent at what I'm doing and what I'm talking about, because this parenting gig?  Isn't exactly the most affirming thing when you feel like you're just cracking out the how-to books 5 minutes after the exam began.

Right now, I'm visioning and trying to figure out branding myself.

I'd like to offer myself up as a free-lance writer, editor (seriously, I was so peeved that the Francine Rivers trilogy I've been reading goofed on a character's name - it was Octavia in book 1 and most of book 2 when she suddenly morphed into Olympia - because, DETAILS, people!  And, despite the conversational, informal grammatical style of my writing on this blog, wherein run-on sentences and those beginning with 'and,' 'because,' 'but,' and other improper introductions abound, I really am a syntax and spelling SNOB who, however wrongly so, tends to deduct IQ points when I see bad grammar, misspellings/typos and other butcherings of the English language), and case-manager - sort of an odd mix, but all have the purpose of bettering one's communications and relationships in the world, be they corporate, personal, or something in between.

I've thought about business names and I really am enthralled with the idea of playing off of the 3 R's of education theme that many are aware of.  Something like 3r Solutions, Media, etc., with a tagline/explanation that the 3r's I focus on are Reading (editing), wRiting, and Relationships (case management/communications focus).  I don't know if it is as catchy as I think though, as so many people are becoming less familiar with the original meanings of the 3R's.  So we'll see.

I'm meeting with a local information architect Friday to further discuss and brainstorm.

In the meantime, I'm drafting cover letters and have secured some prominent people's support in being references for me.

I had the passing thought when all of this started to form in my mind, "How come I never considered this all before?"  I mean think of the heartbreak we could have been spared regarding the finances!

But God answered in my heart almost instantaneously.  Not audibly [I wish!  wouldn't life be so much easier then?] but with that inexplicable sense of utter revelation. You needed to grow as a mother and re-set your priorities.  You're now at a place where the mundane tasks of SAHM-hood are just life and not giant and tedious obstacles.  Now the desires of your heart are prioritized and you will ask for them to be given unto you in the manner that I will, not how you will.  Besides, had you had a caseload and deadlines when you were so ill, what would have come of you then?  You've come so far, my daughter. 

Now it is time for a lot of hard work and fervent prayer!

© 2006-present Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

My Next Thirty Years

Sorry, Tim, just had to use that title.

Today marked the end of my first thirty years and the commencement of my thirty-first year, and all week long I've been contemplating what I want the rest of my life to look like.  Or, at least the next big chunk of it anyway.

I decided to make this a 30 in 30 type of post to try and limit my tendency to verbosity - we'll see how that goes.

Things I'd like to become, do or see in the next 30 years:

1. A woman who daily walks a purposeful, intentional path with God, and not remain this girl who seeks God when she remembers to pencil Him in
2. Debt-free
3. A woman who healthily balances the quest for fitness with sound nutrition, plenty of exercise, and the ability to love what still hangs on her hips/thighs/etc. so that her daughter has a good example of how to love our bodies
4. With my husband, a marriage mentor for younger couples we encounter
5. A woman distinguished by the presence of fruits of the Spirit in her life, rather than the lack of them
6. Run a half-marathon
7. Run a marathon
8. Climb at least one fourteener a year with my husband, and later, with the kids as well.
9. Climb Mt. Rainier, with my husband, and see the majesty of a 14'er that claims the most prominence in the lower 48 states, despite Seth's claims that all mountains in WA are "hills."
10. Visit all of the National Parks in CO 
11. Consume less
12. Strive for a more sustainable, organic lifestyle
13. And become a gardening pro
14. Who knows [and has the equipment] how to can and preserve the fruits of my labors
15. Finish my kids' scrapbooks
16. Write a book
17. And have it published
18. Buy a good camera
19. And take a photography class
20. Read all the way through the Bible - several times, hopefully
21. And really comprehend and embrace what God is trying to say to us in His holy Word
22. Then act upon it, regularly - see #1
23. Learn from my mistakes
24. And allow my children to make their own, so that they can have the treasure of learning their lessons each mistake presents them
25.  Adhere to monthly date nights with my husband - no matter what
26. To stretch myself in all areas, as a wife and mother, a friend, neighbor, employee[?], student [of life], and grow continually
27. Renew our vows
28. See others through the eyes of God, for the value that He has given them, not through my judgments, societal merits, etc.
29. Give more, take less
30. Give instruction and example well enough to my children that they will always love the Lord and seek Him in their own lives

It's definitely not ALL I hope to accomplish in life, but it's a rather tall order, I'd say.
© 2006-present Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Running High

So, I didn't run after last Monday until Saturday. Yeah, 'cause I'm all about regularity and routine, eh?

Saturday, I ran with LMNOB while she was pushing Lil Guy in the stroller. LMNOB did not last long with running and so she walked while I would run ahead and run back to her. I did that for 23 minutes, which was a new record in recent history!

Yesterday, I went with a friend from church, who is a high school cross country coach (read: in much better shape, faster, smaller, etc. etc. than me) to the university track and ran a bit with her. I ran a 1000 meter with her (totally kicked my butt!) and then did 5 laps that alternated between running and walking. I was kind of perturbed at myself and my lack of endurance to just run straight like I had on Saturday, but gave myself some slack in the end and was just glad that I got out and did something.

Now...ya'll might be wondering what is my obsession with running.... While I was so sick I told God in a prayer that I wanted to get better, that I wanted my body to reflect His glory and healing powers. So what better than to take a person who virtually had no lung capacity and make them run mere months after such an ordeal? Not only that, but 5 years ago, I began running and it was such a thing of spiritual growth for me. Can't really explain it, but running and praying to God cast a new light on what relying on Him truly meant. After that initial year of running, I began to trickle out of it and would run only sporadically. My spiritual life kind of went through the same spurts and stagnants cycle as my running. And after being so ill and seeing my mortality with such clarity, let's just say that I don't want to become stagnant in my faith again.

So there's a 5k this Saturday....and I'm registered for it. So I've been getting even more serious about running as I need to train.

My goal was to run every day this week.

This morning it was gray and drizzly.

No matter, I'll get a hat and wear a jacket. I'll bundle the baby up good and warm.

And so I did. Got the older two off to the bus stop and set about my way at 8:20 this morning.

I walked for 6 minutes to warm up then started jogging and ran about a mile in 12 minutes. That's about right for me. Stopped to cross the street and continued to walk for about 4 minutes. Then I started running again, but only lasted for 4 minutes. 4 minutes, what the heck?! And I began to think of the cross, and everything that Jesus had to endure in his last hours on earth. Surely I could do better than 4 minutes. I walked for 5 minutes, visualizing the cross the whole time. Then I started to run again.....6 minutes this time, but to be fair it was all uphill! I walked for several more minutes again noting that I would run on the walking trail when I got to it. I got to it and ran, and finally it clicked. Another mile + down in 13 minutes. I thanked God and looked up. The giant clouds that had been raining over me had split and suddenly half the sky was blue and clear. A nice "thumbs up" from God, it seemed, and my heart soared with gratitude for the affirmation.

I will finish that 5k on Saturday. With God's help and example, I will persevere.

Acts 20:24 - However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

Now, if you'll excuse me - I really need a shower.


© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

My! How Your Garden's Grown!

I said I was going to do this a few weeks back....but uh, life's been busy, please forgive!

When we first bought our home, it was Winter, 2004.

Our house was completed in Summer, 2003 but no one had occupied it before us.

The front had been landscaped, but part of the beauty of a new construction home was that we got to do ALL of the backyard landscaping.

We were pretty broke, but a bonus here and a tax return there was how we got our yard landscaped. We did everything ourselves. Erm....Charlie Brown did all the work while I sat and watched, oohing and ahhing at his prowess at things like installing a sprinkler system, setting fence posts, laying a paved patio, and digging and planting. I had little ones to keep out of the way, right? Charlie Brown's mom and dad helped out, buying us some of our very first plants for our anniversary that year; some shrubs, our willow tree (a Home Depot clearance item at a whopping $10!) and our crabapple tree.

Late in the summer of 2004, this is what our backyard looked like:







Our front yard looked like this:



As of Saturday night, it was time to compare and see just what 4 years has done:

From the front (with my beautiful planter boxes):





The back is more dramatic though....

Remember that puny little willow tree? (if not, scroll back up before scrolling down)...



Charlie Brown is scared that it is going to eat us.

We now have mulch in the beds, accumulated more shrubs, a canopy over the patio with yard lights - making for many a midsummer night's dreams - and our fence is up:





Porter puppy knocked that chair over, please don't mind.

We have rose bushes - this one, a Claire Austin I believe, was planted last year:



And Catalina was just planted this year, alongside Pat Austin - who had no blooms for show at time of shooting:



Our wildflowers, along the other side of the drive way, have come back quite thick - this is their 3rd season:





I love my gardens - they have become our sanctuary!


© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Who Could Ask for Anything More???

It's Friday.

It's Date Night.

It's WARM, finally spring has made an entrance in Colorado.

So I am going to get all Virile Va-freaking-Voom Vixen, right! now! and hope that is the perfect storm, :wink:.



© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Blocked...

I've been trying and trying to think about what to write lately, and it boils down to the same old shadowboxing that I tend to do....

Some examples of the things I could have written about recently, but ended up arguing both sides so successfully that I wrote nothing instead:

Do I want to write about a petty argument with an internet chick that has bothered me a lot?

No, because 1.) that would be gossiping and I would likely turn judgmental, insomuch that I would then become the type of person which I hate, and 2.) it would mean that I actually care what this person thinks of me...real or perceived. I'm above that, right? Not really. Heather is still quite insecure about the things that matter most, despite a bold, confident facade.

Do I yearn to write about some delicate family of origin stuff, multiple instances?

Yes, because as much as I am happy for the one instance, I am also cautious and wish to seek balance between these two mindsets. This being my therapeutic outlet where better to sort through this myriad of feelings? Yes, for the second instance because it is freaking stranger than fiction, and I am waiting for somebody in my family to appear on Jerry Springer any day. But then....as much as it might be cathartic for me to get out, share, explore and/or poke fun of (sarcasm is my most primal coping mechanism) I'm not blogging it because I don't wish to cause hurt feelings as much of my writing regarding the FOO has tended to do...we do not have the same kind of understanding as Charlie Brown and I do in this arena.

Which, hey, I have to give Charlie Brown serious props, as he is an amazingly secure guy to let me air our dirty laundry as I have on here, and HONEY, I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU!!!

Do I want to write about how the brain fog has descended upon me once again, how I'm having trouble coordinating my tongue with my thoughts, how I'm forgetting things, procrastinating in a way that is wildly different than my normally uber responsible self? How it really freaking bugs me when I get like this because I lose my wit and humor a la that one episode of Seinfeld where George comes up with his snarky comebacks DAYS later? I'm sharp as a tack, or can be, so where the hell did that sharpness go?

Yes, I do want to write about it. But the right words just don't come with precision - I want to capture it, and be heard with piercing clarity, and yet my thoughts on this state of mind I am in remain gray, fuzzy, difficult to communicate. Nor do they come with alacrity, readily available for my quick dispatch to the internet that this is IT, EXACTLY, that I'm going through and now please send validation, thankyouverymuch. And then, hell no, I don't want to write about it, because for once damn it, I want to be non-struggling! I want to be free and definitive in who I am, safe and secure, but mostly, content. I have a restless spirit....so much so that I sit here in awe that I've remained faithful, that Charlie Brown and I are staring down the barrel of double digits in marriage, that I haven't just bailed ship and said, "Onto the next great adventure." Sometimes I wonder if I am just by nature an unhappy person. Other times I realize that an unhappy person is usually quite content to be the Eeyore of their group. I am not. And that makes sharing about these depressive struggles of mine so difficult with people face to face. But here, here I can write about it. Even if I don't want to because when I return to this place I think in supposed to's and should not's, i.e. you shouldn't be here, again, you're supposed to be getting better with this. Well....I guess I did write something of substance here, after all, even if paradoxical substance.

Do I want to write about how ironic it is that some people take me as narcissistic because I write about my achievements, yet if they truly knew me they would know that it is not boasting?

Point: Yes. It's true that I have a category that claims its contents are bragging rights, but see above re: sarcasm. Anyone who knows me knows that I am much too insecure to be that serious about myself, lol. Finally, I have to remind myself everyday that despite what the world, my neurotransmitters, etc are telling me that I am changing. My family legacy, my community, myself. Without these little reminders, I would lose this "good race" that I am running. Counterpoint: No. For what in hell do I need to prove myself to some small-minded person who knows jack about me? I have a close relationship with my Lord, a deep faith - often pressure cooked and seasoned with doubts, but a rich and satisfying faith at the end of the day - that tells me I am doing what My Creator put me here for.

Do I want to write about the shitty e-mail I got last week from one of the nighttime dudes for the inclement weather shelter? Or how his subsequent phone call was an un-apology and a condescending, patriarchal, "let-me-put-you-in-your-right-proper-place-young-lady" lecture about how *I* had to be careful with my words when he'd ACTUALLY written words as offensive as "Maybe you ought to try yoga or deep breathing" whereas my communication glitch was more a perception problem than actual mal-intent.

Yes. I want to give ya'll the blow-by-blow, dissect every little statement and nuance in this man with a hero-delusion's e-mail. But, no, I'm a bigger woman than that man could ever give me credit for. I rest assured on the words of Laurel Thatcher Ulrich...make no mistake, I am not out to create a name for myself, rather I wish to advance change for the quality of lives of others. And sitting around, bowing down to men who don't uphold their community pledges (to provide shelter to the homeless when it is x degrees out) isn't exactly going to do that. Asking pointed questions about the damned elephants in the room and keeping people accountable will...eventually. Right?

Do I want to write about how the unbloggable scholarly excitement has turned out to be mere manipulation by an academic hoping to eke out some additional cash prior to retiring? How he used me and two other graduate students to expand upon his initial proposal to the university for an encore class, brand the class with a catchy title, and then market this proposal to the university administraters, all on the now-farcical premise that he would, of course, ask that we be hired to help him facilitate the class?

Hell yes, I do want to write about it. I want to shred this professor into mincemeat. This one had me mad, in my white-trash upbringing kind of mad....which was kind of funny when I was conversing with my lily-white always-had-been-upper-middle-class colleague, who was equally pissed, but with much more decorum. Alas, I fear that such a post could be construed as slander given no written agreements were ever formally drawn up. Hello, my name is Heather Meyer and I've been totally punked by a professor. Never again. I am also curious if he gave the drawings our class developed together proper credit when he used them to lecture at DePaul U this spring? I know he used them at least because he'd e-mailed me about getting them in a more user friendly format prior to the class shiz hitting the fan.

Internets, I can't make this stuff up. Why is it that things just pile up on me like this?

Anywho's bro is here now and I must get to properly entertaining, er feeding, him. Love that guy, I do.


© 2008 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

High Profile?

Ok - so the mysterious AOL reader contacted me via e-mail today.

She's legit - not a local advocate that was building a case against me based on my ventings here, as I'd feared (and for good reason too - but can't get into that here...not censoring, readers, just covering my butt and keeping my day job!) - but an ordinary mommyblog reader. And I'm so totally ok with it - I myself have done the same thing when I've found bloggers I liked, I've gone thru their archives and gotten to "know" them better.

Phew....I loves me some internets, but I worry sometimes that people who know me IRL will punish me for what is in cyberspace...aside from my family of origin that is. I just take it as a given that they will punish me, lol. I'm misunderstood by them a lot.

So yeah, I'm starting to get a following - which makes me think that perhaps someday the dream will be realized?

And this following isn't just for my writing.

Remember last spring when CU-Denver interviewed me for a poster child piece in the SPA magazine? Well, they still haven't just posted , the mag to their website - but until yesterday I hadn't gotten a hard copy, thus, it was kind of out of sight, out of mind.

Somebody had said something to me about it in "passing" in my online class this fall - but me being me, I was just like, "Oh, yeah...cool." When I fell behind on an assignment, I let the prof know, and he was all, "That's ok, I know you're not a slacker." How could he know that? I wondered.

It wasn't until later, when everyone flocked to me after I put a request for a partner out there re: the suicide paper - that it finally started to click...aha! LOL....I'm pretty smart, but when it comes to self-recognition sometimes I am very, extremely s.l.o.w... Again, I let it go to the back burner - I mean 15 minutes of fame and all, right?

Until last week when a woman who used to work for a local non-profit contacted me via e-mail.

Hey Heather,
I've been considering the MPA program at CU-Denver and saw you as one of the profiled students in their magazine. Can we meet so that I can pick your brain about the program?.

I told her, yes, of course I would love to chat with her - and when we met up, I gushed about the program. She and I are exactly the same age - something I hadn't realized before - and very likeminded about wanting to do good, but realizing the system is very, very broken, and thus, people like us need to get smarter, more credible, and then set about eliminating barriers. That's the goal anyway - no delusions of grandeur here - I know that it will be complicated, and that my youth and gender are working against me, rather than for me - but hey, challenge is my middle name, right?

Isolated incident, right?

No.

Yesterday I drove up to Denver to see what the folks at the Bell Policy Center had to say about the fiscal forecast for the Colorado State Budget. You see, we've only slightly screwed it up with 6% growth caps, TABOR, Amendment 23, and other legislative mandates that make the state budget extremely difficult to balance.

Upon arriving, I noticed a woman who looked REALLY familiar - but I couldn't quite place her. She was talking to the SPA rep sponsoring the presentation. She wasn't a student, but was interested in the domestic violence concentration for the MPA program, she currently worked in womens health. When she finished with him, I introduced myself, noting that I worked for the City of Loveland.

"Oh! I live in Berthoud!"

And at that, all the memory synapses in my brain fired. Rapidly.

"That's where I know you from! You work for the Coalition right? Doing a, uh, rural women's health initiative, right? You came to a Northern Front Range Continuum of Care meeting about a year, year and a half ago. I KNEW you looked familiar!"

She seriously dropped her jaw. "Damn, you have an EXCELLENT memory! Holy crap, I am impressed."

Then, "Hey, wait a minute - Heather Meyer? Aren't you in..." she pointed to a hard copy of Views. (p. 22 - and ew, yuck, gross, I hate that picture of me - thanks for asking!)

"I think so - I haven't actually seen it yet. It was the funniest thing, you know..." as I did my thing, trying to downplay the whole deal.

The presentation was about to start. "Well, with you in my back yard, I might just call you sometime to pick your brain."

Hmmm....should I be charging a recruiting fee?

After the presentation, I went up to some of the staff and faculty who were there. I offered my hand and said, "Heather Meyer, I'm in the MPA program," and I got, "Hi..." then a lightbulb look, "Oh, yes, of course! How are you?"

And that was just weird - like I'm some sort of celebrity or something, lol. You know, OF COURSE! Of course you are Heather Meyer, and of course that name means something to me!

It is surreal to watch one's status as a person change quite like this...like a book I read last semester called the Tipping Point.

I'm so textbook.

Payin' it Forward

Jason called this afternoon.

He's still in Denver, still doing his in-patient program.

He called as he found my number and wanted to let me know how much our interactions meant to him - how hitting bottom that second day we'd known each other really has helped him in his recovery.

I told him I was glad that it had worked out that way - that he'd been in our prayers regularly since having met him.

He thanked me, and told me that he would always remember us and would try to pay it forward and keep it real with people he met in life.

And that, friends, made my day.

Also made me think about a line from Toby Mac's Diverse City:

We 'bout to do this thing for real
Diverse City got mass appeal
So put your hand in the hand of mine
And we'll spread this love like dandelions

'Tis a Sad, Sad Day for the Overachiever in Me

I went to the school's online site for final grades for, oh, probably the zillionth time this week, even though, technically, grades were not due from professors until yesterday.

And behold! The gods of Impatience and Anxiety heard my pleas - Grades were posted!

Policy and the Public Process.........................B+ = 9.90 GPA points
Updated: Apparently we do not round up in graduate school grading...I got an 89.8%, and a 90% is an A-. 0.2%age points!!! Ok, I'm over it.

Managing Conflict and Change.........................B+ = 9.90 GPA points

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bringing my once illustrious 3.9 cumulative GPA down to a mere 3.66.

So, if a B is not for bad, does it hold that a B+ is not for SuperBad?

Truly, I kid. Truly!

Seriously ya'll, I know that I am skimming political treatises with expert eyes, serving the public with rarely found diplomacy and compassion, meeting special needs and just "normal" ones of my family, and more.

:cue the trumpets: I am SUPERWOMAN.

The fact that I'm doing all of it is huge in itself - why diminish it with lofty expectations (read: and thus the unsurprising failure to reach) of perfection?

Not to mention that I dealt with extended sickness, craziness at work, and one whack-job of a partner on a final project this semester - and I am feeling A-OK with my B +s.

Seems as if the real life slightly outweighs the academic life.

And, while I may have made B+s on my grades, I got "Exceeds Expectations" on 3 out of 4 categories on my performance eval at work - translating to a 4% raise!

IT. Is. FiNiShEd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I have been put thru the wringer, but by golly, the Fall 2007 semester is

O.V.E.R.

And guess what?

Because I was waived for the internship requirement, because of my work history, I am HALFWAY done with my MPA already!!!

Sweat Drops of Blood...and Lessons in Grace...Maybe

OMGoodness!

As of 4:00 today, I had spent 20 of the previous 26 hours working on this paper.

As in, I started working on it at 2:00pm yesterday, went to bed at 2:30am, woke up at 9 (which felt like bliss, compared to the 5 hours I've been living on each night recently).

I just got into that "I'm on a roll" mode, (oh and not to mention, holy crap this sucker is due SOON and one of our trio is inexplicably AWOL mode)that means, yes, I probably am a workaholic. There are worse things, right? Besides, tonight, I totally spent quality sing-song time with LMNOB - balance, baby, balance. What is Hammy without a feeble attempt at rationalization?

Today, the drama escalated as AWOL partner jumped back in with, "I sure wish you'd commented on my draft earlier - now it looks like there is nothing I can do but accept your heaping pile of edits." Ok, so I made the heaping pile up - but I do believe the word "extensive" got thrown out. Same diff, right?

Well, hon, lemme tell you - I would have, had you turned your draft in ON TIME WITH OUR PREVIOUSLY AGREED TO DEADLINE.

Buuuuuuuut since she didn't until yesterday morning, while I was AT WORK - uhm, hello, so sorry Boss, I have to go read AWOL partner's paper that just magically appeared in my inbox. I just didn't get to it until last night.
But, suffice to say....it got worse.

And the professor got involved.

And I'm in the middle.

And now, I just don't care if she rides our coattails and totally gets a rocking grade because of me and my other partner's contributions. I am ok with her getting a grade she doesn't deserve, that's grace, right?

What if I am still really perturbed though, that she doesn't get that if you write "blah, blah, blah, (name, year)," you HAVE to include a full bibliographic reference, more than (name, year) in the Bibliography section. Especially because I feel that it is just a little MUCH to have to hold your fellow GRADUATE student's hand in that regard and give her a play by play of what you are asking for.

Is it still grace?

Albeit begrudgingly offered?

Whatever....I've got peace of mind that we are now on our 5th edit and it should be the keeper - all we need are the two references that AWOL partner has neglected to disseminate.

When in Doubt...

Play Maroon 5...

Loudly.



Not really a love relationship that is (:sing it!:)

"Taking its toll.

On me."

But an unrequited partnership is.

A 3 way relationship even...

Rife with "she saids," the unrequited third of this collaboration has me just hoping a particular "She said goodbye..." will eventually come true.

Hopefully the paper will be done tonight...

Rockin' My Inner Lennon Groove Thang

Cuz, I swear I just sang,

Come together!

Right now....over me.

And the paper, it did. Oh, yeah, man - it came right together before my very eyes. Or was it over???

At least, my part did.

I'm just gonna sing this song until all the other pieces trickle in from my partners - I figure it should work like the Pied Piper, eh?

Seriously, though - I think my argument to propose legislation similar to this act, (only substituting "sexual harassment," with suicide prevention), is sound, and could go somewhere. Also, my recommendation to take the state's suicide prevention presentations already in existence, tweak 'em to have info about the great investment of EAP's and how much suicide costs the economy, ergo, employers, go buy you some EAP providers for your company and voila! Happy Endings all around....I think so.

I'm good.

LOL....that is my pep talk so I don't shatter into a million little pieces from exhaustion talking.

Ya'll probably don't know what the hell I am talking about.

Suffice to say - change, I want to effect it - and I think this might.

She Has NO CLUE What a Great Idea That Was...

Monday morning, I wondered aloud what we should have for dinner that night.

"Whaddyou think, is tacos a good dinner idea?" I pondered.

LMNOB, "Yeah! Taco Tuesday!"

I chuckled, "Except that it's Monday, hon," and smiled wanly at her.

She shrugged and and offered, "Margarita Monday?"

I laughed then, but I'm thinking, "Day-umn! The girl is good - we SHOULD implement Margarita Monday at casa del Meyer...."

Especially next Monday, When. The. Semester. Is. O. V. E. R....

On the Down Low...

Sorry readers - all 5 of you, right? If I am wrong in this assessment, please give a shout out - I have only ever gotten 6 comments for my "most comments," and a girl gets blog-inferiority issues from time to time..

I've become something of a blogrant - a term I've gratuitously stolen from Lynne, my library friend whom I always want to call Lynnie Lou.

Let's just say that this pattern of neglect can be seen in other areas in my life besides this blog - my house is a certifiable pit of $h!t right now, my body is full of toxins because I'm living on caffeine, filler foods, and little sleep these days, had some bank account whoopsies (paid our truck payment twice this month - oops! there went $300 we needed), et cet er a...

But it's for a perfectly good reason! I promise I am not just lazy, I have been diverting my attentions to an Important!School!PossiblyLegislative!Report! And working with homeless issues in the interim. This very important paper I am working on is an expansion of this post, and is a growing process for me.

You see, Heather is a roughdraft writer, hardly anything she does goes through an editing process, as she does her bestest work when under intense pressure. Seriously, the research paper for Citizen Participation, whilst it had been outlined and research had been thoroughly examined and noted, had not been put into written format until the night it was due, and Hammy got a perfect score on that one, baby. And that wasn't the first time I've had such results. Trust me, I am an EXPERT at Juggling 101 - The Artful Uses of Procrastination.

But...I can't do that this time. Because it is group work. And, because it is friggin' important - we're talking potentially saving lives here. But mostly because it is group work and we have to come up with a finished product TO.GETH.ER. One of my partners is a research hound and has been a tremendous asset to the team - I owe it to her to thoughtfully write, critique, and revise my thoughts to the maximum efficiency package that KNOCKS the SOCKS off of whoever decides to read it. So I'm growing. Somewhat painfully, but the results are sa-weeeet!

Thus, dear internets, I bid you temporarily adieu. Til I get my paper done.

:smooches:

Pinch me...

I am in disbelief...


I got a call today from the ED for United Way [of Larimer County] and he told me that basically he'd volunteered "my expertise," to the people working on this HUGE economic development project in town. HUGE!


First, I had to laugh - "expertise?" That I've magically accumulated in all of my 6 years in the worforce - I mean really?

Yeah, he meant really.

See, the hub of this re-development project is the Poudre River corridor, an area which is populated with the camps of many of our chronic homeless. My job will be to advise the committees of this project about:

1.) homelessness in Fort Collins - both chronic and transitional

2.) how different industries (i.e. retail/service) perpetuate the problem with non-living wages

3.) how aspects of the project will affect the homeless, either positively or negatively

The woman he directed me to, for purposes of working together, noted that Fort Collins may be implementing a program very similar to Denver's Road Home project, a project that I have watched and admired from afar for about 2 years now, but have felt that was impossible, due to the discrepancy in resources that non-urban areas receive for these issues. Thanks to an anonymous donor, the seed money for such a program could be available!

Huge exposure opportunity for me. Huge opportunity to effect change and truly help those in need!

Good thing I rediscovered my mojo, eh?

Rediscovering My Mojo

Earlier this month, hell, even just last week, I would have told you that Hammy had totally lost her mojo – in pitiful rendition, rivaling that of Austin Powers’ when he’d lost his zest for shaggin’.

I felt completely wiped out in a sea of turbulent overwhelm. And thusly did a crap job in: keeping close to God, being a friend and partner, mothering, my job as a civil servant, school, housekeeping, and whatever else usually lies front and center on my plate.

I was having the “what should I cut out so that everything is balanced” discussions with myself in my head – you know, that seemingly harmless little “I gotta take care of me so that I can take care of others” battle we women do? It’s innocent enough in the beginning, but let it breed and this reevaluation and quest for “balance” soon consumes my life such that I’m taking care of me for the sake of taking care of me, to the point of unbalance (irony is a funny, funny thing, no?) and the initial intent of making myself a better person for others gets lost along the way.

The other things that this funk had me doing were 1.) overanalyzing, to the point of talking myself out of things that God has very clearly put me up to (school – yes, I really was considering saying, “stick a fork in me I am D-U-N, done”) 2.) sending my normally confident (sorta, that one’s complicated) mindset into a rapidly descending abyss of insecurity.

But, ya’ll the rainbow has come out.

Charlie Brown has been in a bit of a funk himself lately, but the past several weeks he has been very, extremely, and sweetly supportive. Like. A. ROCK. That is always there, and always holding up whenever I happen to fall prostrate across it. That weathers everything that comes its way, and still remains. I need to appreciate that more about him.

I caught a break or two in the scholastic realm. Somehow the online professor, “knows I’m not a slacker” and gave me a break on a very craptastic job on the midterm. I don’t feel like there’s been enough info exchange for him to possibly know this – so I’m curious to know if my advisor and him talk? And my weekend professor? The one whose syllabus was not accessible until the Monday before the first class (the fist class where we were supposed to have a huge book report due) – he decided that whoever turned in the book report, early or late, so long as it was turned in before the end of classes, got an A. He told us that after I scurried to get my paper in by the end of lunch yesterday – hoping to get the dreaded B- in graduate school. So…those two things? Totally made my month.

Finances are coming up. Work is bearable again – oh, and news alert! I got a fun new project with other key players in the community today! Fabulous excitement as a new challenge is here to pique my brain!

Kiddos were good to come home to, and so was my new furry baby – Stella the kitty. She is preshus. And should be MYYYY preshus, except I have to share with my children (can you believe it?!?) – the very people for whom Stella made her way home with Charlie Brown on Saturday.

Life is good. And so is rediscovering one’s mojo. I can do this. We are balanced where we're at, we just had some stressors of late.

It's [almost] REALLY Happening!!

:me, sighing with giddy excitement:

Remember my unbloggable scholarly excitement?

Well, we are in negotiations/proposal phase now, and I'm all super-dee-duper hopped up about the increasing potential of it.

But, again, because it is not for sure yet - you should e-mail me if you are interested in hearing the juicy (uhm, academic - so whatever you make of that) details.

Tah-tah...