Wish I could remember that Scripture!!

This is gonna bug me - but a couple of years back my church did a study on The Purpose Driven Life. When we were doing the chapter "You Are Not an Accident," we had a discussion about a scripture (NT, I'm pretty sure) that said something to the effect of God had planned the people we would cross paths with, and that it would be to His glory - or something... I cannot recall that scripture for the life of me, but the gist of it is playing out in my life...

A couple of years, ago Charlie Brown and I were having some marital strife. Same issues as they had been for the first 5 yrs of our marriage, only this time I was ready to get a counselor involved and he couldn't poo-poo it because my of my then-newfound employee benefit package included an Employee Assistance Program (EAP - read: free counseling for me and members of my household for 6-8 sessions/person each year). So, I called the EAP and told them I wanted a counselor for marital issues, and that due to the nature of our problems, I would prefer someone who identified themself as a Christian marriage counselor. They told me about Counselor S, so Chuck and I went to see a Counselor S. We saw her for 6 mos and it helped our marriage overall, but I don't know that I would have gone back to her...it seemed like we were helped most by simply having a venue for those heartfelt discussions, more than by anything she directly contributed...kwim?

Fast forward a year or so, and LMNOB's pediatrician moved to a brand new office. And so did Counselor S, who was now leasing office space from our ped in the new building. Hang on to that detail. Also, keep in mind that this woman was the "luck of the draw" for us initially - we could have gotten anyone.

Fast forward again, to the issues we're having with LMNOB. I called the EAP, but my work switched EAP providers and while Counselor S is not in their network, I thought I would call her after talking to the ped, just b/c of history and familiarity with our family makeup, thinking that she might know someone to refer us to, or the persons the new EAP had listed out for me.

I called her yesterday and she just called me back. Her kids are the same age as ours, but instead of girl-boy, they are boy-girl in order - which we always laughed about in our sessions when we got into parenting discussions, b/c they were really similar personalities.

Turns out, her son (same age as LMNOB) has SID, was diagnosed 6 mos ago, etc. The personal space issue, combined with tantrums and other sensory stuff is right on with her experiences - She kept saying, "Oh Heather, that's so my son."

They got a diagnosis from an occupational therapist, who did an assessment and now does weekly sessions with the son, and also gave her and her husband some behavioral remedies to do at home. It was an extremely helpful phone call, and left me thinking, how providential that she remained on my radar through this coincidental office space arrangement (I'd lost all of her info, but the ped had it) after all this time, that she herself had had direct experience, and she was able to provide me with some great next steps (OT referral, etc).

She also told me, "Prior to our family's experience with SID, if you had sent LMNOB to me w/o any OT input, I wouldn't even have considered SID - and a lot of counselors out there are equally unfamiliar with it. It is covered so minimally in our training."

That's why it is so amazing to me that we connected, b/c without her input, it is highly likely that we could have started with a counselor and barked up the wrong tree for who knows how long.

But we did and have parallel situations, it seems.

So, next steps are to check out insurance coverage of OT and if the EAP would consider covering it if health insurance doesn't. She also said she would go thru the hoopla to get approved by our new EAP provider so that she could do some family talk-therapy with us if we wanted.

I don't know why I am always so shocked when God provides! I know that He does in my head, but it's like there is just enough doubt that there is honest surprise when He takes care of us. I don't know if it is an element of distrust, or the human mechanism that makes me so grateful for His guidance and protection of our lives. The optimist in me hopes for the latter.

In the meantime, keep us in your prayers; we've got to navigate the insurance system, oy vey.

On my little Georgia O'Keefe

That is LMNOB, who is quite into her flowers stage right now:

She drew some more dahlia looking flowers on a white board while we did the parent teacher conference - which was excellent. That is to say, that while Ms. S doesn't see the issues we're having at home - b/c LMNOB is a very introverted, but high performing student, so no problem, right? kind of kid for her - she is supportive and open to keeping an eye out. She gets it. We are so blessed to have her for LMNOB's kindy teacher.

The pediatrician visit was not as bad as I thought it would be - though, truthfully, I kind of don't see why I have to pay who knows how many $ for that visit...it basically gave me what I already knew, though it did provide me with validation that yeah, she should have grown out of this scale of tantrums by now and that's off behavior, but that Dr. S (same S as the teacher, too, no relation, but it helps me remember!) didn't have any medical/psychiatric concerns.

So, major developmental stuff was pretty much ruled out...now we go on to finding a therapist and seeing what they have to say. The Dr. S acknowledged some plausibility of SID, but said that therapists do the diagnostics for that, not him, which I figured.

Murphy's Lesser Known Law of "just as you go getting other people involved in a problem it wil all but disappear and make you look like the crazy one," seems to be in application the past two days, but I keep telling myself, this isn't the first time, this isn't brand new, this has been a nagging pattern, so proceed checking it out. Charlie Brown is with me on that, too. Thank God.

On Becoming a Poster Child

Just before starting this semester, I told my advisor about the award I was to be given...

He sent the info on to the marketing staff for the GSPA.

An interview down, and a headshot later, I'm being spotlighted in the annual magazine, Views, that the school puts out to market their programs. The writer of the article just sent me the draft for my review, to ensure factual accuracy.

Voila - I am a poster child:

Heather Meyer

A program that fits her passion


We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty. --Mother Teresa

It’s fitting that MPA student Heather Meyer chooses to quote Mother Teresa just below her e-mail signature. Even though she envisioned a path to a career in private-practice psychotherapy with an undergraduate degree in psychology, that all changed when she began working as a homeless outreach worker in Larimer County.

Meyer earned the 2006 Larimer County Affordable Housing Coalition’s Individual Recognition Award for her work to get an accurate count
of the homeless in that area.

“The face of homelessness isn’t just about single white males who are substance abusers or about people who are lazy making bad choices,” she discovered. “It’s just as much about families trying hard who don’t have resources.”

“To create lasting change,” she says, “we need leaders who understand the issues.” Meyer’s ambition to develop as a leader to raise public awareness and bring about change drove her to enroll in the GSPA program. The fact that the program is online enables Meyer to work full time—now as a human services administrative specialist for the City of Loveland—and tend to her family, which includes two children.

Meyer enrolled as a part-time student just this spring, but already is confident that she chose the right degree program to build on her real-world experience. “The MPA fits my passion perfectly.”

Let the self-doubting begin

Here we are on the eve of the appointments, and I fear that everyone is going to say, "Are you just looking for something to be wrong? She's NORMAL."

I showed Charlie Brown this site, and as he got to the end, LMNOB walked by. On her tip toes, as always.

The pediatrician can vouch for me always asking him to check her tendons regarding the tippy toe walking habit of hers that has existed since she began walking.

I took "Child Exceptionality and Psychopathology" as an undergrad, and since the days when she was a baby, I wondered about SID being a factor when LMNOB was well past colic age and would still cry for hours, unresponsive to any of my attempts to remedy. I always shushed that out of my head, thinking I was reading too much into it. I just convinced myself that was the way she was, and that she just needed TLC.

CB is worried. More so than I've ever really seen him - but that's not saying much, as he is still low-key, though showing a marked deviance from his usual emotional flatline.

So much of it, though, is age-appropriate behavior, this need for consistency and calming routines, the picky eating, etc, etc. I will note that many of the last several fits have been over not getting to go to "Puh-zoli's" (Fazoli's - the really mediocre fast-food italian chain) which is her latest culinary fixation. Other eating obsessions have been ramen noodles and mac'n'cheese - again, age appropriate and completely normal from what I've seen in other kids.

And today? Today she was fine, normally sunshiney LMNOB. She also had PE today, and I told CB after reading that website, that I wished I'd thought to track good days and the correlation to PE days.

Anyway - I'm just afraid. Afraid of there being something, and afraid of there being nothing, wrong.

God, you know the deal. Father please grant me your peace about this and trust that Your hands are guiding the journey we are about to embark upon, whether short or long. Place Your arms around this little angel You've loaned me - help me to be the mother and advocate that she needs, Lord. Help me to remember that we are here in a spiritual battle, and Satan is doing whatever he can to test us and shake this house from faith in You. Help me to rest and receive the strength that You are able to provide me with. Father, just love on us...help me to draw near to you. Thank you for Jesus and the hope that He provides in reconciling us with You. It is through Him that we ask all these things - Amen.

Blind job offer

Weird - really, if you ask me.

But, hey you be the judge, here is the e-mail trail

Re: Out of Reach 2006

Hi,

I love the resource that NLIHC’s data tables provide on the housing gaps that exist in our community, and I use them often!

That said, I noticed a need for an update today as I was looking at the tables to see where we are currently at. Colorado recently raised their minimum wage to $6.85/hr, which is not near the housing wage needed, but it would help the site’s credibility to have accurate numbers – I know the affordable housing enemies out there like to pick on anything! And I would like to give them NOTHING to bat at :)

Keep up the good work!
--HAM

The site contact lady's supervisor (?):

Heather, thanks for the comments. You'll notice in our methodology section
of Out of Reach that we use each state's minimum wage as of 10/06. Due to the scope of the project, it's unfortunately impossible to make Out of Reach a "living document" that we update more than once each year. But rest assured, we'll include CO's higher minimum wage next year.

After all, I lived in Boulder for 2 years and will make sure the state gets its due. I also interned for KF in Neighboring City's CDBG Office - do you know KF?

If you need any help adjusting the calculations based on the higher minimum wage, just let me know.

Keith

My reply:

Keith,

Thanks, that works for me! No problems calculating, just wanted to be sure that we’re on the radar and that the quality of your data continues to be as relevant and useful as it has been in the past :)

I knowKF’s name, but don’t know her personally. My office also administers CDBG,
and Neighboring City has a similar demographic as Loveland, so from time to time
we get some calls back and forth, like last week her staff wanted to compare Neighboring City to Loveland on inclusionary zoning practices. What kind of program were you in to intern with a CDBG office, just curious?

Have a great week, and keep up the wonderful work!
--HAM

I was completing an MA in urban geography and helped KF write her 5-year Consolidated Plan over the summer of 2004. I was able to stay on part-time and crunch some homeless data and evaluate the inclusionary zoning and homebuyer
assistance programs. Great job, and great staff.

Thanks for the feedback, and stay in touch.

Keith

Sure thing :)

I’m currently working on the Masters in Public Admin. through CU-Denver. My goal is to work on public policy re:homelessness and housing issues more directly some day…so the NLIHC is an organization I watch often.
--HAM

I was in the geography program at CU in Boulder. I spent many a day and night in the Guggenheim building, and was just in town to visit 2 weekends ago. Don't ever leave! I know the job prospects are better elsewhere, but you'll miss it badly! My wife and I are talking about retiring there, but at 32, I think it may be a little premature.

When you finish your degree and decide to ignore this advice, be sure to check to see if we're hiring. We're currently looking for a legislative analyst. Best of luck.

Keith

Just weird...I mean dude doesn't know me from EVE, and he casually says, "Hey, keep in touch," (uh doesn't there have to be a relationship for which one keeps in touch with someone??) and then, "Hey, want a job? Someday?" A little 6 degrees of separation does some good though, I guess?? Someday anyway...

Oh geeze....how did we get here??

I'm worried about my little girl.

I've always worried off and on about LMNOB, wondering if perhaps she had some kind of social, sensory, and/or mood disorder, but have thus far been able to chalk it up to my knowing too much about those things, ya know?

LMNOB has always been a challenge for us, from day one. Also, she is also the source of some of our brightest, most penetrating rays of sunshine.

We’ve always had “issues” with her, but have been having a lot of turmoil lately, and best case scenario – she’s got some socializing and self-esteem issues; Worst case scenario – she has my family’s DNA with respect to mood disorders. Even considering the last one has me feeling irrationally guilty and scared for her.

Whenever she's gone into her rages/panic attacks/depressions, which are not so rare (here, here, here, and here - and those are just the documented cases) but not so frequent that they are constant, I've always wondered if there might be something wrong, but again, because they weren't so regular, and because Charlie Brown thought I was nuts, I sloughed it off. These episodes still are not everyday, but I would say that they have increased both in frequency and intensity since she started school. They are most often displays of anger than anything, but anxiety has been showing up as well as sadness more recently.

Last night she was particularly blue, and as we got to talking, she is having social problems with her peers at school – sort of. You see, LMNOB tends to be something of a smotherer with her friends and family. I don’t know if it is some funky kind of over-attachment, low self-esteem, extreme lack of identity or what, but when she likes someone she wants to be their EVERYTHING, following them, competing for their sole and constant attention, and touching all the time. It bugs me, but I can be tactful about it. Other 5 and 6 y/o’s usually aren’t very kind, and when they tire of her smothering, they make the "I don't want to be your friend" decision.

It's happening more and more, and it is painful to see how socially awkward she is with her peers.

She and I did not talk about this angle of things last night, but I did remind her that she is a loving, generous, sensitive girl who is beautiful inside and out, that sometimes people don’t want to be our friends and that’s ok, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us or with them, we just don’t fit together as friends, and that we are still nice to these people, even though we might let the whole friends thing go. I’ve done just about everything I can to try and make things more attentive at home, and Charlie Brown too, which only sometimes works, and other times royally bites us in the butt with MORE of this behavior….

It could just be developmental and a phase, but the thought of some kind of disorder just haunts me – I sort of feel like it is inevitable, given my history, and that of my family’s – not to mention the nagging suspicion that has been around since her toddler days. Her eyes were just so sad last night and this morning, she isn’t coming out of it, and it scares me to see such pain and desperation in her eyes so young.

I’m calling the therapist and our pediatrician today to see if there is anyone that they would recommend to see/ be tested by.

I’m a wreck. I know the hell of depression and low self-esteem and wished that I could shield my kiddos from both evils. Please pray…

Will the earth just swallow me up? NOW?!?

I have decided...........

That a 3 1/2 hour temper tantrum, courtesy of one LMNOB, spanning several topics of self-interest, varying in location, mostly stuck in "freaking intense" mode, is the closest I've come to believing in modern day demon possession.

Or, really, considering the possibility of a severe mood disorder, like bipolar disorder.

She simply cannot be reasoned with, loved out of it, scolded, distracted, nor spanked out of this state. It's like her brain goes catatonic and her body goes on autopilot, that is if autopilot means "spew venom and nonsense tied in a big ball of hatred, while I go ape$#!t here." There is no telling how long it will last, but one thing is for sure: the only certain consistency with this pattern is that it only reaches resolution by running its course, no intervention has been known to be effective.

Tonight's edition is coinciding with my menstrual cycle - oh, hell to the no! It's bad enough that I feel like crap and then get bammied with this, but my poor Charlie Brown, poor, poor guy, (LOVE him!) he just can't handle it between the two of us. Tonight, in the car as we passed the first hour of the fit, and I said with a raised eyebrow - "She's been a pistol all week, and guess where I'm at in my calendar?" he asked Punkinhead, "Hey buddy, you wanna start backpacking once a month, for about a week at a time?"

In the meantime, I am in a menstrual hell specifically for mothers; crampy, bloated on top of carrying an excess 20 lbs, pissy, and worried that something is seriously wrong with my darlin. She's fine now....but goooood laaaaauuuuudy..............

This is getting progressively harder

I feel like I just crap-jobbed a paper.

I know, I know, you're thinking I'm a crazy woman because of my track history thus far - but this one, yuck.

It didn't help much either that as I was writing, the V-8 I had for lunch today became toxic fumes. Yeah, I probably could have done without sharing that, but you know, I'm trying to get the sympathy points, folks! Shooey stankey, it was....both the paper, and uh, me.

Oh well, it's out of my hands, and turned in.

Spring break now. Sorta. The kids just got done with spring break, and my spring break just means I can go to work like normal, mommy like normal, and read for school with out urgency of deadlines looming.

What happened to the days of partying a week away? Oh wait, you're right, I never did that!

Must.go.to.bed.NOW.

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

Geesh, I got so busy that I forgot

This month marks my first Blogger birthday.

My first entries were dated March 10, 2006.

A lot has happened in that year too.

Holy God, I find it incredible at times and hard to reconcile the person I was then, floundering in a foul and isolated cistern of depression, actually giving critical thought to endng it, with the person I am today, a woman who has found purpose and strength in the jars of clay that You have transformed my life to be.

But for His grace, peeps.......there's no other way to explain it.

And this blog has been the healing chronicle that saw it all. I sometimes don't know what I would have done had I not had the support of those who read here - you bridged the gaps that medication and immediate family and friends could not.

Do most mommies document this landmark?

Punkinhead said his first curse word a few days ago, something I was just informed of today, by one guilty Charlie Brown, b/c it was due to his influence...surprise.

They were out in the garage the other night working on Chuck's dirtbike that he bought last year, when the bike tipped, and then Charlie Brown tripped, (much like those fakeout football kicks of Lucy's doing) due to a matchbox car of Punkinhead's.

Charlie Brown, pride hurt, and scared that his pricey investment might have hurt his most priceless investment (read: Punkinhead for you ignorant souls) barked, "Move that f@#$'n car!"

And this part I love, Punkinhead got all indignant, and says, "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad, it's not a f@#$'n caw, it's a bwue caw!"

We don't usually say the F word at Casa del Meyer. Not because we are all superior like that, (though I do tend to question intelligence of a person when it is the only adjective they are capable of using) but it's just not in our everyday vernacular. I particularly don't think it is appropriate for children to use, and being the immediate linguistic role model, avoid it like the plague.

Punkinhead did not get scolded for saying it - he was, after all, arguing a very valid point. The car was indeed blue. (ah, how I miss those days of black and white thinking) Not to mention he had no idea of what he was saying, and was simply responding in innocent, honest, childlike form.

I thought it was funny, because while cursing children are not appropriate, there is something wickedly charming about it when they don't know what they are saying.

Pins and needles + other thoughts

Editor's Note: I actually started writing this last Friday. Updates are in italics.

I’m anxiously awaiting my grade on the 3rd paper for class – I REALLY think I bombed it. HA!

But then, I thought that with the others too.

And they were A’s. Minuses, those A’s, but A’s nonetheless, and a feat to be proud of.

Update: I got another A-, but one point higher than the first two! Comments:

Heather, In this essay, you display very good critical thinking skills -- you see issues in every one of the conventional ideas of participation, representative bureaucracy, and accountability. (No mention of workplace democracy, though.) I liked the way you organized the essay, too. Probably the only reason there's a "minus" after your "A" is the omission of some key elements of the material in this unit, and also, perhaps, that you could have squeezed in a bit more explication of your critical assessment under each heading.

I'm still not sure about how I could have achieved "more explication" as it was a 2-3 pg paper and I closed on the last possible line of the 3rd page. C'est la vie, though, right? I am more than happy to roll with an A, minus or not!!

In the meantime, though, I have some thoughts that are nagging me for expression.

In my last unit, we were supposed to read a journal article called Lipstick and Logarithms; Gender, Institutional Context, and Representative Bureaucracy.

It was FASCINATING – to this nerd anyway – reading about the idea of passive representation, i.e. a person with a particular identifier (gender, race, orientation, age, etc) employed and/or appointed in leadership positions, leading to active representation, or the implementation of policies to benefit the larger populace with the same identifiers as that of the representative. That’s the VERY bare bones of it. Particularly of interest, though, was this statement:

According to Ferguson (1984, 18), hierarchy and roles in bureaucratic settings cause bureaucrats to de-emphasize their multiple identities and to increase the importance of their identity as members of the organization.

And it got me to thinking – dangerous, I know – that I’ve certainly seen this phenomenon occur...

For example, a neighboring city also has CDBG and other grants to administer to their community. Instead of primarily identifying themselves as community members working for change, they see themselves as city employees. This sometimes works to the disadvantage of the very agencies, which trickles down to their community members, that they are purported to help.

In Christianity, instead of people identifying themselves as followers of Christ, they get caught up in the organization of their church and just where they fall in that hierarchical system. Then we see the promotion of the church they identify with, instead of the principles of whom the faith is built upon, Jesus Christ.

We need to think more seriously about who it is we're representing, because the person/cause/organization we identify the most with is the one we will cater to in problem solving, advocacy, and promotion of interests.

For me, it makes me want to do away with all of the layers of my identity, and remember my core: I am the girl from the wrong side of the tracks that most everyone (societally speaking) gave up on. I am a woman who has had to fight for her position in life. I struggle with a mind-numbing depression that has made my life hell at times. I am a follower of Christ, and believe in befriending those given up on by society, whether they are addicts, Mexicans (or any other ethnic immigrant in the political spotlight), welfare moms, or a middle-class, white soccer dad who's gotten caught up in consumerism - they are all worthy of my love and reservation of judgments.

And remembering those things, I want to embrace them, proudly, and actively represent those who share my demography (or those who are the objects of my attention) such that their lives might become healthier and happier.

(I shudder at the possibility of becoming so rigidly bureaucratic that efficiency and order become my idols. May that never happen.)

That is the kind of transparency and urgency that I want to see in my elected officials - but it will never happen, for they fear alienating a portion of their constituents with such openness, and think that they will lose votes for it.

Ironic, isn't it?