All over the map

Last night I drove down to Broomfield to meet up with some online buddies. I’ve “known” both of them since the summer of Y2K, when we were all expecting babies in March 2001.

I actually met Becky face to face when the babes were one-ish [? I have no memory nowadays] or so. Since then, though, Becky has been dealing with life as the mother of an autistic son – and early on in this leg of her journey, play-group type gatherings were just too painful. Not to mention planning a meet with our busy paces of life. Despite not meeting up all these years, she has very much been with me thru some hard times– particularly last year when Charlie Brown and I were very, very low. I love her dearly and think of her and J often. And thank God daily that I am not yet the mother of a teenaged girl, as Becky is.

Heather and I just met face to face in October when she graciously hosted me for a couple of weekends while I was doing school. Heather is a social cheerleader – not the fake kind, but the real deal and thus brings a smile to my face constantly. I am so glad for her recent move to CO!

Last night, was just for us, and it was delicious. Both the food and the company. But mostly the being in the company of fabulous women, away from my children/school/house in serious need of being cleaned from top to bottom part.

I don’t have a lot of girlfriends – never have, as I was always that outsider looking in whom everyone liked well enough, but never went that next step and invited into their circle. I certainly don’t have any day to day friends that I’ve known for 7+ years. With that dynamic in place, the internet has given me my deepest woman-woman connections and blessed me with the diversity of experiences, opinions, and circumstances that my homogenous hometown can’t even begin to touch. I loves me my computer, folks, because like the corny e-mail says, all my friends are in it. Ok, maybe all is an overstatement, but many of them are.

As I cruised on I-25, I blared the music and sang along with the radio. That’s the way that Hammy (that’s me for those of you newbies who know me as Red) rolls. Always - I have two photo radar speeding tix with my mouth hanging wide open in mid-song to prove it. charlie Brown used to have them posted on the refrigerator because he THOUGHT it would embarrass me. When I turned west onto the Broomfield exit, I saw the makings of a glorious sunset.

Alien contours of the Foothills, previously only attended to by me briefly in the due-south pavement pounding trip known as “going to Denver,” spread out right before me, dotted with remnants of snow, some wispy stratus clouds above and to the south, and a continuous wall of thick, white thunderheads that stretched on for miles to the north.

As dusk overcame the mountains, they took on the appearance of burnt camp-fire wood; the mountains dark and rugged, the spots of snow becoming gray-white ashes, with the amber glow of the sun dropping behind them lending to the image of smoldering embers. The sky was the pristine blue of topaz, with the stratus clouds becoming opalescent; white with flecks of that palest blue, fiery pink, and molten orange showing through the translucencies. The thunderheads gleamed with whiteness.

I was so moved by it – and remember making a mental note to myself to re-capture this image with words – that I quickly breathed a prayer of thanks to my Maker, Maker of this sunset, and hummed the beginnings of a song that’s been on my mind often of late.

“Oh Lord I need a mountain to climb on
Just a quiet place to go and know you’re there
Oh Lord I need to spend some time with you
Jesus spent the night with you in prayer
And the greatest friend you'll ever find
is on the lonely mountain
And the highest high you'll ever feel
is when you kneel to pray
And the brightest light you'll ever see
is when you close your eyes
Oh Lord you are my first love at last
I realize ......”

And, me being me, I quickly put it out of my head as the twilight won its battle with the sun. I had girl-time comin’ up, yo! Like I could even fully process the meaning of this little “moment” between my Lord and me…I had bigger fish to fry, right?

The girl time was fab – with convos ranging from the woes of feminine facial whiskers, to how jealous we were about women we know who are expecting, and not so much because we are wistfully coveting the babes they are growing but more because, duuuuuude, they’re so totally doin’ it for that to have happened [and we are not. So much], to how all three of our daughters are first pancakes*, man, and we so do not want to screw them up.

*First Pancakes – when I worked mental health, a therapist friend and I were talking about our childhoods one day, and he goes, “So, when you make pancakes, you know how that first one always flops, but the rest of them turn out great?” Nods from me. His conclusion, “All oldest children are their parents’ first pancakes – parenting is really little more than trial and error.” Truer words have never been spoken - frightening, eh?

But alas, all good things must come to an end – and at 10:20 we bid adieu. I then proceeded to get lost on the way home, but eventually crawled in bed next to Charlie Brown.

Which brings me to today.

That moment between me and God came back today. And O, Lord, at last I realize is right.

Are you chuckling at me?

Because I’m crying down here.

I’ve got a bad case of the February Crazy.

Irritability

– check.

Strong urges to run away and join the circus….urges may also be experienced as desires to…do a stint in a nunnery

– check, just about every day for the past two months.

Feelings of Guilt

– Freaking Ginormous CHECK! I will have to post more about this one another time. Let’s just say it was that sermon at church today. And in light of recent childcare needs, I sort of roundaboutly told myself today that, “Gee, if I REALLY was a great mother, my priorities would be totally aligned with STAYING AT HOME MOTHERING and we WOULDN’T EVEN BE ENTERTAINING THIS DILEMMA.” Yeah, I cried…which brings me to the next point –

Sudden weeping

– In case you aren’t following, that’s a check.

Vivid dreams that are emotionally upsetting

– surprisingly – I failed to correlate this to the February Crazy until I happened upon Schmutzie’s post, but uh, yeah – CHECK!

Actions contradict emotions

– totally, if feelings of “I really need to spend some time with LMNOB and get her some good quality sensory inputs,” do not actually manifest themselves through HOURS of closet cleaning (accompanied by sudden weeping at the insurmountable task ahead) erstwhile the children are outside playing with Charlie Brown, then I am racking this one up, baby. Check.

I thought it was just January – but mayhap this funk is stickin’ around….and now, I need to figure out what that means for me – back to meds?

Also - yes, I totally heart, newly discovered by me, RealMental.org - talk about keepin' it real peeps!

Oh. Um. No. Uhh-uhhhhh!

Ok, so the first daycare tour had me and Charlie Brown wishing we could flee the completely disorganized chaos with cobwebs all over the ceilings, paint all over the tables, beans on the floor (I could go on and on, but I'll spare ya'll) - stat.

You couldn't PAY ME money to have my children go there - so I'm definitely not paying her.

Tomorrow morning is another home daycare, as well as a center that is run out of a nearby church (virtually in my backyard). The latter comes with good references from friends in the neighborhood, I just don't know if they have any openings.

Crap. This just sucks.

Up a Creek

LMNOBs birthday is coming up.

I told her we could have it here, at her request. It was going to be a low-maintenance, carefree, chockful of sensory input, freaking fantastic birthday.

Was...yeah you caught that too, right?

We will be relocating to a nearby location in a few months.

Well, that just friggin' stinks. Especially when I break the news to LMNOB.

Could do this, but I dunno. Or we could see that rodent who likes pizza. Or we could go bowling, she had a fun time bowling at a birthday party last month. Ideas?

My Cup Runneth Over

Reason #181 why I have got to get serious about the weight...

Today I looked down at my chest and my right bra cup was, ah, overfull....with a full coverage bra.

Not a hawt look, at all.

Navigating the Maze of Finding Quality Childcare

Sounds a bit melodramatic, eh?

But, such was the title of a pamphlet I received from the Early Childhood Council of Larimer County...in addition with several pages of provider info in the geographic area I'd specified. And they are right - I mean this isn't a word-of-mouth passing fancy sort of thing, this is about my childrens' welfare when I am not with them. A pretty big deal to this WOHM. Yet, at the same time, something that seemed insurmountable two weeks ago, thus I've been putting it off. Oh, the joys of psychological defense mechanisms that actually lend to putting one in a worse position than one need be.

Of the 8-10 providers they pulled up for me, only 3 really piqued my interest, on paper. Oh, I know that paper info is totally arbitrary, but my screening methodology involved geographical proximity to home/LMNOB's school, experience with special needs children, education, and years of experience as a childcare provider. Those are the biggies, right?

Then began the phone calls.

And then there were 2 [choices]....as the 3rd didn't have room for Punkinhead on Mondays.

The first woman I called was very personable. Knew ALL sorts of stuff re: sensory integration issues, was not sure about availability as she'd just had an interview with a woman who had 3 children, but their transportation was iffy. The school bus stop nearest her house is on a busy street - which I'm not real keen on - but I put an e-mail out to Ms. M asking if any of LMNOB's classmates were on that route, and if maybe a parent might be interested in walking LMNOB to the daycare home. We go visit her place on Sunday afternoon.

The next gal was also very friendly. She's on LMNOB's current bus route - and her son who is in AM kindy rides - so there may be an element of familiarity right there. We didn't talk sensory stuff just yet - I was running out of time, as the previous woman and I had chatted entirely too long. Her home is next door to one of the houses Charlie Brown and I had looked at when buying our home - the one that Charlie Brown REALLY wanted (it had a 1000 SF shop/garage with vaulted ceilings) but it had some structural issues that we couldn't afford to address back then. I go see her on Monday morning.

Wish me luck.

Quick and Dirty

Phew - I've got to catch my breath!


What a crazy week this has been already and it is only Wednesday.

I got my annual report draft in yesterday.

And, the verdict is: Too Wordy.

Really, from me? :waves hand: Nooooooo....

Also included in the verdict: Can you fine tune, because your department's draft is going to be the template for the entire division - since no one else had a clue what they were doing?

Suuure....damn, sometimes being an overachiever flat out sucks.

Today, I'm preparing for an evening meeting with the Youth Advisory Commission. (Oh, and can I just say that it is so cool that Loveland has this? I mean here is opportunity for true civic engagement for kids! They never had that in the small town I lived in)

They asked if I would address the issue of homelessness before them.

So, long presentation short: It's very damned complicated; now deal with it.

Think they'll go for it?

Dogs + Punkinhead = Funny

Over the weekend, we were playing outside in springlike weather (there is now 2 inches of snow covering everything) and our Lab, Gracie, slimed Punkinhead right on the face.

That dog has the wettest mouth ever. :shudders:

Punkinhead says, "Ewwww Gwacie swobberwed awwwl ovewr me. Blech."

Me - "Oh, I'm sorry. Want a paper towel to wipe it off?"

Punkinhead, "No, I want a toothbwush - I don't wike hewr fwavowr. Blech!"

LOL...

This morning Gracie and Porter were wrestling, and getting kinda loud.

Punkinhead: "Gwacie, stop it wight now. Stop. I said stop dog!" He huffs, deep breath in, then, "Gwacie Awrchie Meyewr! Stop it wight NOW!"

ROFLOL....Archie is Punkinhead's middle name.

She just leaned right over

and tagged me...you know how a woman will often reach over behind you and tuck your clothing tag back into your shirt/dress/garment of some other variety, so as to spare you the embarrassment of having others know the natural:synthetic ratio of your threads?

Well, I think Piper just did the blogging parallel for me.

Hmm, I'm new to you (and I noticed that you haven't posted anything since late Friday night...so here, lemme help you out) and thus...TAG you're it.

So...here goes, Seven Random Things about me.

1.) Today I finished 90% of the government equivalent of "What I did over Summer Vacation," i.e. the Annual Report, for our office. The Annual Report is really a giant PITA, because the mgr who requires it rarely provides The Boss with nearly enough prep time for me to meet the deadline. This year was no exception. It's due tomorrow at noon (I was told to start working on it on the 25th) and I've been juggling a million other things, like getting our grant books to print on time.

2.) My AOL visitor mystery isn't yet solved. My reader who delurked uses Verizon internet services, so there is still a person out there who has recently 1.) googled my full name, 2.)found the blog, and 3.)then gone through many (like a big freaking LOT) different posts of mine, specifically ones relating to my recent work frustrations, and 4.) has continued to seek out Ramblings of a RedHeaded StepChild via AOL search on a daily basis. I thought for a while that it might be a citizen looking for unprofessional conduct - but now I wonder if it might be a classmate - I stupidly noted that I blogged in our introductions, but didn't share the url, because, I dunno...this isn't a professional blog, you know?

3.) I've been losing the battle of the bulge for some time now...and if I don't do something soon, I am going to go up ANOTHER pant size...and I really don't want to, as it is 2 sizes bigger than I was 2 yrs ago, and 3 sizes bigger than I was 3 yrs ago. I hate weight issues, as legitimate concerns (I AM overweight, though not obese, and would do best to get in shape) tend to spiral out of control to obsession and binge-purge - seems like I am always teetering on either unhealthy end of the spectrum, and I would just like BALANCE.

4.) Charlie Brown and I are hitting DOUBLE DIGITS this year in the wedding commemoration venue. It's been a hell of a carnival ride, with some of the lowest lows and highest highs I've ever experienced in my life. I'm pushing for a second honeymoon, since we never really got much of a first...

5.) But, I'm thinking these will do very nicely (Thanks Niki!) - and since we're reacquainting ourselves with a great Song of Solomon series at church that we did 9 years ago, they have added meaning.

6.) My church is doing a ladies retreat this weekend, but I'm not going. I felt very out of place last time, the youngest mother there, and one of 2 WOHM's. Speaker of big words, and just feeling like a different kinda gal. I do need a retreat - but am thinking more along these lines still. But for now, a Saturday night with Becky and Heather will have to do!

7.) I should be doing homework right now...but that's not really random so much as it is routine, now, right?

Hmmmm.....Who to tag???

1 Princess in Galoshes

2 Niki

3 Heather

4 Lynne

5 Becky

6 Mama P

7 Liz

E-mail to the Rescue!

An e-mail with just the right message received at just the right time can save your sanity.

Today it was this. I love this shiz:

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

I loves me some smart ass humor - and this is the bomb, lol.

High Profile?

Ok - so the mysterious AOL reader contacted me via e-mail today.

She's legit - not a local advocate that was building a case against me based on my ventings here, as I'd feared (and for good reason too - but can't get into that here...not censoring, readers, just covering my butt and keeping my day job!) - but an ordinary mommyblog reader. And I'm so totally ok with it - I myself have done the same thing when I've found bloggers I liked, I've gone thru their archives and gotten to "know" them better.

Phew....I loves me some internets, but I worry sometimes that people who know me IRL will punish me for what is in cyberspace...aside from my family of origin that is. I just take it as a given that they will punish me, lol. I'm misunderstood by them a lot.

So yeah, I'm starting to get a following - which makes me think that perhaps someday the dream will be realized?

And this following isn't just for my writing.

Remember last spring when CU-Denver interviewed me for a poster child piece in the SPA magazine? Well, they still haven't just posted , the mag to their website - but until yesterday I hadn't gotten a hard copy, thus, it was kind of out of sight, out of mind.

Somebody had said something to me about it in "passing" in my online class this fall - but me being me, I was just like, "Oh, yeah...cool." When I fell behind on an assignment, I let the prof know, and he was all, "That's ok, I know you're not a slacker." How could he know that? I wondered.

It wasn't until later, when everyone flocked to me after I put a request for a partner out there re: the suicide paper - that it finally started to click...aha! LOL....I'm pretty smart, but when it comes to self-recognition sometimes I am very, extremely s.l.o.w... Again, I let it go to the back burner - I mean 15 minutes of fame and all, right?

Until last week when a woman who used to work for a local non-profit contacted me via e-mail.

Hey Heather,
I've been considering the MPA program at CU-Denver and saw you as one of the profiled students in their magazine. Can we meet so that I can pick your brain about the program?.

I told her, yes, of course I would love to chat with her - and when we met up, I gushed about the program. She and I are exactly the same age - something I hadn't realized before - and very likeminded about wanting to do good, but realizing the system is very, very broken, and thus, people like us need to get smarter, more credible, and then set about eliminating barriers. That's the goal anyway - no delusions of grandeur here - I know that it will be complicated, and that my youth and gender are working against me, rather than for me - but hey, challenge is my middle name, right?

Isolated incident, right?

No.

Yesterday I drove up to Denver to see what the folks at the Bell Policy Center had to say about the fiscal forecast for the Colorado State Budget. You see, we've only slightly screwed it up with 6% growth caps, TABOR, Amendment 23, and other legislative mandates that make the state budget extremely difficult to balance.

Upon arriving, I noticed a woman who looked REALLY familiar - but I couldn't quite place her. She was talking to the SPA rep sponsoring the presentation. She wasn't a student, but was interested in the domestic violence concentration for the MPA program, she currently worked in womens health. When she finished with him, I introduced myself, noting that I worked for the City of Loveland.

"Oh! I live in Berthoud!"

And at that, all the memory synapses in my brain fired. Rapidly.

"That's where I know you from! You work for the Coalition right? Doing a, uh, rural women's health initiative, right? You came to a Northern Front Range Continuum of Care meeting about a year, year and a half ago. I KNEW you looked familiar!"

She seriously dropped her jaw. "Damn, you have an EXCELLENT memory! Holy crap, I am impressed."

Then, "Hey, wait a minute - Heather Meyer? Aren't you in..." she pointed to a hard copy of Views. (p. 22 - and ew, yuck, gross, I hate that picture of me - thanks for asking!)

"I think so - I haven't actually seen it yet. It was the funniest thing, you know..." as I did my thing, trying to downplay the whole deal.

The presentation was about to start. "Well, with you in my back yard, I might just call you sometime to pick your brain."

Hmmm....should I be charging a recruiting fee?

After the presentation, I went up to some of the staff and faculty who were there. I offered my hand and said, "Heather Meyer, I'm in the MPA program," and I got, "Hi..." then a lightbulb look, "Oh, yes, of course! How are you?"

And that was just weird - like I'm some sort of celebrity or something, lol. You know, OF COURSE! Of course you are Heather Meyer, and of course that name means something to me!

It is surreal to watch one's status as a person change quite like this...like a book I read last semester called the Tipping Point.

I'm so textbook.

Why I hate AOL

I use StatCounter, mainly to track my visitors so that I can know if BlogHer will be sending me a coffee habit check (seriously, with my traffic, I have netted an entire $28 since August). It also is entertaining to see what urls referred people to my site, i.e. what kind of crazy Google searches landed people here. Finally, I like having StatCounter, as I can see who's visiting - even when they don't comment - knowing where this reader and that hails from, and/or who their employer is (busted!) it's fairly easy to deduce.

But, as StatCounter says:

...The uniqueness in this case is based on your visitors' IP addresses. This method works very well for the majority, but yet again there is an exception. AOL users, and visitors who use what is known as a 'dynamic web proxy' that changes each time they access a webpage. So if a single AOL user visits 7 webpages on your website it will likely come up as 7 different IP addresses!

And I keep getting AOL visits that read a heck of a lot - which is making me feel stalked sorta, because I have not a clue as to who this person is. I mean, it's just so many visits, and calculated searches for my blog that it feels weird. I am not going to censor myself - decided in January that I wouldn't play that way - but still it makes me wonder who this person is, and why are my ramblings of such import to you?

Care to reveal yourself?