Fragments of Recent Life

Life is a whirlwind of late...seems like I never fully recuperated from last semester, and now here we are about to finish out the second week of this semester. It feels like my life is so fragmented and so NOT cohesive - and I am a person who likes to have life TOGETHER, even if it does shoot out in all different directions.

My body is begging me for nutritious food, peace, rest, and water.

And I have answered with....

Coffee, processed (albeit lower fat/sodium) convenience foods for quick cooking (or none at all thru the day - I KNOW this is bad, believe me, I KNOW - but time is elusive), coffee, a stressful pace of life that leads many to say "I don't know how you do it," coffee, nights with 5-6 hrs of shut-eye, and more coffee. If I cut the coffee out, I am rendered helpless and sluggish in the completion of daily tasks. Coffee is my anti-kryptonite, ya'll.

Monday I was vacillating between stark raving mad and bluesy all day - everything made me mad, and then everything made me sad. It's the chaos of my life - getting to be a bit much for me. Is it any wonder that I've been on an organizing frenzy at home and at work in the past 2 weeks? My unconscious way of trying to order my disorder, and in a very surface way. I need to get real and figure out how to tame the chaos in my head to really get into a better place.

Tuesday my jaw and cheeks ached as a consequence of my constant clenching - of course I haven't been conscious of the clenching, just the side effects. I'm trying to be more cognizant of when I'm clenching, and what exactly is making me do it, but it is so subtle!

Switching gears...yesterday I registered Punkinhead for kindergarten. I thought registering LMNOB was bittersweet, but this was really a weird feeling that both of my kiddos are going to be school-aged next year. It's like a new parenting chapter. I'd forgotten just how DETAILED the kindergarten registration process is - At which week in pregnancy was your child born; Were there complications at delivery; how long was your labor; did your child reach his/her milestones early, on time, or late - and at what age; are there any family concerns the school should be aware of; when did you and your partner last have sex? Oh, I kid on that last one, but seriously it was grueling. And thorough.

But while it is weird to think that my babies will soon both be school agers, can I just say that holy hell am I glad that I should be done with school by the time BOTH of them are doing homework - LMNOB's schoolwork alone is overwhelming - though a new breakthrough came this week when LMNOB and Charlie Brown became the dynamic diorama duo.

Seriously, Charlie Brown came home from Hobby Lobby $50 poorer. For a first grade project. His answer? "That's what we had kids for was fun stuff like this!" Ok, and how can I knock the father daughter bonding? Priceless really.

Besides, hers really was the best. And the best is good.It was a diorama for Little House in the Big Woods, which LMNOB read all by herself!

I've been named leader of this week's discussion by my discussion group - which has made things a bit more stressful than need be. Also, a reading schedule that says "Ch. 14 of Req'd Text, plus Supplemental Readings," partnered with allusions of week one being "easy" since it was a short week, led to me being really overwhelmed when I clicked the "supplemental readings" link and found SEVEN ginormously long and technical journal articles. I still haven't finished them, and am now almost thru with week 2, which was 5 more articles. Crap. Guess what Heather is going to be doing this weekend? Reading. And wrangling kids (Charlie Brown's Saturday to work) and a new puppy.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that detail. We have a new furry baby. His name is Porter, he is a Springer Spaniel, and he is 9 weeks old. Which means, mornings have another dimension of crazy to them at casa del Meyer. Like I needed more, eh?

Life Interrupted of a Girl Overwhelmed

I don't feel like a woman.

I feel like a girl.

Utterly, completely insecure and uncertain and damnit I just want to go curl up with something soft until the world stops spinning.

I don't feel like a leader.

I feel like a person powerless to those around me and all of their expectations.

Floundering, juggling and balancing only to have life come crashing down around me. So much stress that I'm just ready to take a bit of leave from the world for a bit...

Case in point:

Charlie Brown and I have been up, up, up for about 3 months running - w00t! - but the other night I was a Cranky McFarklepants and HE WAS TOOOOOO - and we started yapping at each other about FLOOR CLEANER when I just spontaneously bust up laughing.

Seriously, I, like a mad woman, went from 0-60 from pissed off to about to piss my pants laughing. I was like, "Listen to us - could we be any more old married couple? This is so irrelevant and we're fighting like it is a life or death issue - seriously, shouldn't we be fighting about the sex we could be having but are not because of the damned floor cleaner issue?" And he cracked up too. We loves us some humor at casa del Meyer....

This is a random post - no real rhyme or reason to it, except that life keeps handing me interruptions when I'm already overwhelmed to the max...and I'm tired. of.. it... all!

Five for Fighting Rocks my World...

LMNOB doesn't have autism - but she's got a related disorder on the spectrum.

My friend Becky's son J has autism though, and I know she has struggles that no parent should ever have to endure.

Five For Fighting has a lovely awareness piece up here - please go visit - for every hit this site's video gets, FFF is donating $0.49 to Autism Speaks.

It's a start...

The U.S. House of Representatives passed a Congressional Resolution Tuesday night that the U.S. ought to set a national goal to cut poverty in half over the next 10 years.

The whereas-es of the resolution are deeply troubling:

110th CONGRESS
1st Session
H. CON. RES. 198

CONCURRENT RESOLUTION
Expressing the sense of Congress that the United States has a moral responsibility to meet the needs of those persons, groups and communities that are impoverished, disadvantaged or otherwise in poverty.

Whereas poverty is a deep, structural problem that implicates our value system and our educational and economic institutions;

Whereas a widely acknowledged definition of poverty is the lack of basic necessities of life such as food, shelter, clothing, health care, education, security, and opportunity;

Whereas policy initiatives addressing poverty have not kept pace with the needs of millions of Americans;

Whereas the failure of America's ability to meet the needs of its poorest was acutely seen during Hurricanes Katrina, Rita, and Wilma in August 2005;

Whereas many experts believe that the lack of an equitable distribution of housing choices across the country leads to isolation and concentrated poverty that makes low-income individuals and families vulnerable to catastrophic natural or man-made
disasters like the Gulf Coast hurricanes;

Whereas the economic disparities that have exacerbated restoration of impoverished communities in the Gulf Coast region continue to persist in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina;

Whereas the number of Americans living in poverty has risen by over 5,000,000 since 2000;

Whereas there were 37 million Americans living in poverty in 2005;

Whereas the official poverty rate in 2005 was 12.6 percent;

Whereas 24.9 percent of African Americans, 21.8 percent of Hispanics, 25.3 percent of Native Americans, 10.9 percent of Asian Americans, and 8.3 percent of Whites lived in poverty in the United States in 2005;

Whereas in 2005 a family of 4 was considered poor under the U.S. Census Bureau's official measure if the family's income was below $19,971;

Whereas the poverty rate for children 18 years and younger (17.6 percent) remained higher than that of 18-24 year-olds (11.1 percent) and that of people 65 and older (10.1 percent) in 2005;

Whereas the number in poverty increased for people 65 and older by almost 400,000 since 2000; and

Whereas in international poverty comparisons, a common approach is to ask what share of the population has income below 50 percent of the Nation's median income. Using this measure the United States poverty rate at the turn of the 21st century ranked 24th of 25 countries, with only Mexico having a higher percentage rate:

Now, therefore, be it

Resolved by the House of Representatives (the Senate concurring),

That it is the sense of Congress that the United States should set a national goal of cutting poverty in half over the next 10 years using a strategy that promotes good jobs at livable wages.

Now, it's a step - but our country has a history of declaring war on poverty, only to be where we are right now. Sure, let's set some goals, but let's also do some work to meet those goals, right?

Locally - we are. And that feels good.

Just call me what you like

I promise, I'm not into the whole Puff/Puffy/Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Diddy/Sean John thing, but I changed my profile name again.

I did it because of some recent confusion new readers had with my hamiam name and the name of the blog - so they align more closely now - and hopefully everyone knows it is me.

Also, in the Portland, OR area where I grew up, there was a children's cartoon show on Saturday mornings called "Ramblin' Rod," so it's a little throwback for me too. I like double entendres that way.

Thank you sir [but this really won't do], may I have another? Please?

As in - this January has sucked hairy donkey balls - can I please have a do-over?

First, I had FOO drama.

Then I had work drama. Then again. And again this morning, when the advocate I spoke of Monday came into the office to drop off a volunteer application. And continued to speak of Monday's incident - in a way that clearly demonstrated he was assuming things about my co-worker, who is so NOT that way.

I got frustrated. "What exactly is the point of this conversation again?"

I mean, everyone keeps dumping on me, and if you're just complaining for the sake of complaining (i.e. there is nothing I can do about it, and/or the matter is DONE) please go find someone else. I have spent too much time and too many tears on this matter - oh, wait, no, not quite - here, here come some more. Happy?

Fuck. I hate crying in front of other people - particularly in a "professional" setting. Part of the curse of being a working woman - show emotion and it's all "Oh, I pity the woman who's a slave to estrogen," remain emotionless and it's all, "She's a coldhearted bitch." Ask Hilary - she's pretty well-versed in this damned dichotomy.

Then he was all, "I don't have an issue with you - you're great, wonderful, etc. Without you we wouldn't be where we are today."

Which is for damned sure - but why in the hell do I feel as if I have been debated, challenged, and harangued all the way there? And what does that mean? It certainly does not make me feel as heralded as he claimed right before me today.

Whatever - so I've spent a lot of friggin' time in this - mostly unwarranted, personal attachment. When he kept going on and on and on, I started filling out paperwork - which clued him into my intense desire to end the conversation - it was going nowhere - and he left.

Then I cried some more.

Then I got over it and went about the rest of my day.

When I picked up the kids from daycare, M told me tearfully that she was really sorry but May 30th would be her last day of her homebased daycare. My wonderful, sensory integrating activities, organic foods, yoga practicing, pre-k prep child care is going bye-bye, and while May 30th seems like a ways away, it is really not.

You see, M is pregnant, and due in March. She had a maternity leave planned and we parents only needed to arrange alternate care for about 6 weeks in March-April. She had a back-up for if the baby came early. I remember thinking she was somewhat crazy when she told me of her plan, shortly after they announced the pregnancy - but she's so good at what she does and I just clung to an "It'll be ok" mentality.

Except now, it won't.

She's telling us now so that if we wanted to just make a clean break when she goes on maternity leave, we could. I don't know if that is preferred by her, or if she is going to need the money after the baby comes. Which I know, is not really my problem so much as figuring out consistent, quality care for my babies, but I worry about these things. Because contrary to popular belief these days, I do have a heart. I also don't know if making the clean break is best for LMNOB and Punkinhead, or if we should do a sub for the maternity leave and finish out the spring with M - in light of LMNOB's issues with disruption of routine and all, I'm just confused.

And then I'm feeling maternal guilt - because my kids are 4.5 and 7, and have had 4 and 6 childcare providers in their lives, respectively. That's a lot of transition and change - and crap if it doesn't make me feel like a rotten mother that I can't provide more stability in their lives than that.

And damn, I mean, if we could have just made it to August, we'd have been home free with the daycare thing - Punkinhead goes to school this year!

Thank goodness that Charlie Brown is being supportive still - the man has been getting me like never before - or else I think I'd be dead.

January 2008, I am so over you - is it February yet?

Found dead on his sword

One advocate who disregarded the value of diplomacy.

I can't say that he and his comrades weren't warned. Over and over and over again. By me.

He even told me I was "one fine mediator" (yes, I did mentally start singing, "doot, doot, doot...Meet Virginia, yea-y-yeah..." when he said that, but I digress...) after a series of e-mails we exchanged. But honestly, a lot of fucking good that's done, me knowing how to be eloquent and sensitive to all parties involved. A lot of damned good it did just to be fucking ignored.

Instead, today, when some of the homeless were being complete assholes to one of my coworkers in Facilities, whilst she was trying to show the dining hall the City rents out to a potential customer, this gentleman who has a heart full of GREAT intentions, convictions, and determination channeled these traits of his into the direction of a narrow-minded, stubborn, bleeding heart; a turn for the worse which not only did nothing for him, it did nothing for the homeless for whom he was fighting so relentlessly.

Seriously...after the whole dog fiasco last week, this was the nail in the coffin for the makeshift shelter. Today at 5:00 pm I got an e-mail from the City Mgr saying that he was going to check the political will among City Council re: giving the shelter operators the required 5 days notice prior to terminating the lease, due to the continued violations.

And honestly? I don't blame him. Not one bit.

The shelter proponents will be quick to say that the City officials were merely looking for an out, or something to that effect, and for some of us, sure that might be true enough.

But me? Ms. 2006 Homeless Count Coordinator?

I gave this project my all - well, all that I could given power limitations - and wanted desperately to see it succeed, flourish and grow into something bigger and more transformational to the community (hey, a girl can dream, especially today, right?), but the truth of the matter is that the organizers, the champions for the homeless didn't play with the big picture in mind - and have wound up cutting their noses off to spite their faces.

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm kind of scared about the upset this will cause in the community.

I'm frustrated that the failure associated with this project points to me, despite having been a voice of caution against the City operating a shelter like this - i.e. we did not have the control that I would have preferred, and hmm, now look.

I hate that the folks involved today acted as they did - entitled. I hate entitlement, whether it is fostered by privilege, institutionalism, or by learned helplessness. Entitlement, real or perceived, will cause the "pressure cooker" of any social issue to explode into a premature death, failing to fully "ripen" and be resolved. Yes I did just apply my coursework to real life, thank you.

I suppose I'll keep you informed. Onward and upward, right?

Given enough rope to hang

Here's a suggestion -

Tell your employees one thing (i.e. make a nighttime shelter happen but it is to be overseen by Dept. X, not Dept. Y)

Then, tell employee of Dept. Y something otherwise.

Then all employees related to project proceed to dump on employee of Dept. Y. Said employee's stress begins to overwhelm her in the contradictory communications re: said project.

Employee of Dept. Y directs complainants to the Dept.X employees and then Employee Y receives e-mail from Employee X saying, "You put us in a tight spot, making us look like the bad guy" for such direction.

Employee Y crafts e-mail in response - copies everyone who was on the original e-mail, adds supervisor and city mgt who have been out of the loop - hoping to get direction and clarification.

Employee Y is somehow the bad guy who overstepped her position, went above her supervisor, and could have avoided all of this if she'd only had better boundaries.

Employee Y is thinking, "Well, f!@# me if I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I shall now call myself the Fall Guy."

The nighttime shelter folks brought a dog into the shelter and it shat all over, starting this whole series of events. Seems to me there is responsibility that needs claimed at baggage check, as it ain't ALL mine.

Such a boost to crappy day

I'll post the crappy day details tomorrow sometime. Or maybe not, depends on what I think about it after I sleep on it.

Also - it will depend on the feedback I receive from a lengthy e-mail I sent to some fellow city employees tonight.

Anyway, the boost, without further ado, comes from Ms. M, LMNOB's teacher(proud mama emphases, mine):

A couple of things... thanks for the hook-up to your last blog about LMNOB. I like to hear that my kids are making these strong connections out of class too!

Just an FYI for you (however, I will be sharing all of this with you at your next conference in February) LMNOB read a passage for me today that was at the 4th grade level! She is doing amazing. She is a great decoder and her comprehension kept up with her. After answering the questions, and I scored it, this particular passage was right between the instructional and frustrational level for her.
She did amazing with it!

To answer your question about the backpack... after our bear hug, I asked her if she felt like she wanted/needed some "work" this morning and she said yes. I suggested taking her coat off and putting her backpack back on. She didn't even hesitate and said "ok".

That last part referred to a hard sensory issue morning we had this morning. Her backpack always has her weighted lap pad/rice bag in it, so it was good input.

My girlie is doing so well in the realm of reading. She just started reading Little House books, courtesy of my sister's Christmas gift to her, and is loving them.

On Teaching Faith and Non-Judgments

LMNOB is growing up, more and more these days in her thoughts.

Some of the conversations we have are starting to alarm me, as they make me think, "Whoah, there - can't we cross that bridge a bit later?" or, "Hold up, let's clarify for a minute and discuss all the different angles of this."

Some of these conversations are very academic - for instance, before Christmas break LMNOB had been assigned to read a new Magic Treehouse book. When I asked her what it was about, she said, "It's about our war, you know the American one from olden times?"

"Well, we had several - but is it about the Revolutionary War, with George Washington, or the Civil War?"

"What's the Cibil War?"

And from there ensued a long [epic, considering her usually short-lived attention span with communications] discussion about how slavery used to be a practice, and how some people didn't like it, but others did, and how a war came about from that. Towards what I thought would be the end of this discussion, LMNOB made connections from the "Cibil War" to Rosa Parks and MLK Jr. Which led to more discussion, and my feeble attempts to illustrate connections in her everyday world (and given that we live in Vanilla Valley, that was not much more than pointing out that Little Bill is black and yet, just like us in many ways).
***************************************************************
Then on the way to OT just before Christmas, LMNOB blurted out in the back seat, "I wonder what BT the OT celebrates."

"What do you mean?"

"You know...like does she celebrate Christmas, or Hannukah, or Wanzaa?"

"It's 'Kwanzaa,' honey, but I don't know what she celebrates either - you should ask her. It would be good practice for your communication."

So she asked BT the OT, and BT the OT proudly proclaimed that she celebrated Christmas, and how she just loved that LMNOB asked her that.

Afterward, in the car, LMNOB quietly muttered, "But Mama, I wonder if she celebrates the REAL Christmas."

As the statement faintly stank of judgment, I was a little perturbed. "What do you mean honey?"

"Like, does she believe in Jesus, or does she just like Santa and all the toys?"

"Well, honey, we don't know that. And that is a very personal question to ask, which is ok, but what if you asked her if she believed in Jesus and she said no?"

Shrugs were heard from the back seat. "I don't get it - what do you mean?"

"Well, if she were to say 'No, I don't believe in Jesus,' would you think less of her, like would you think she was bad?"

Exasperation was thick in her response, "Mooooooooom, of course not!"

"Ok, Lil Miss...I just wanted to make sure, because if you did, that's judging and Jesus would never want us to do that. He hated it when people judged others, know why? Because we all mess up, and just because we think one way doesn't mean we should EVER treat people who think another way any differently, because we are no better than any other person."

I must have belabored my points because when I was done, she said, "Okaaayyy Mama, I get it."
***************************************************************
Last night, we had another such conversation at casa del Meyer while I was fixing dinner. Punkinhead was talking about loving stuff, and was all "I love my hockey doll," and LMNOB said, for the first time that I've heard, that age old line, "If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?" Then laughed like she was the first person to ever think of that.

That alone about cracked me up.

Then I heard Punkinhead say, "Fine, then I WILL."

And LMNOB went all, "BOYS CAN'T MARRY BOYS!!"

At which point I intervened and said, "Actually, some places they can."

"Well, even if they COULD, they WOULDN'T, THATS WEIRD!"

"Well, it's not the majority, you're right there, but some boys actually do love and 'marry' boys and some girls actually do love and 'marry' girls."

('marry' just because I didn't dare go into the technicalities of gay rights and civil unions, marriages, etc! Also, was very glad my homophobic hubs was not home!)

Boy could I see her little wheels turn after that....but she didn't ask me any questions, and I didn't want to burden her with information overload. She is maturing every day, but she is still only 6 - she doesn't need to know it all just yet.

Plus, that said, I don't know it all just yet - how could I ever just pretend to hand The Knowledge of All Things down to her? These things are faith and values-based, and while I have my own faith and values that tell me I would love for her to arrive at the same understandings as mine, I also want hers to be her OWN. I don't want to fill my child's mind with propaganda and "Thou Shalt Not's" that she blindly accepts without questioning.

No Jesus Camp for me, thank you very much.

But between school and church and friends and other family, I am but one voice she hears.

Hopefully one of THE voices, you know? The ones she actually listens to?

Because I probably don't say it enough...

Charlie Brown is a good man.

He has been a soft place to fall for the past few months, in times when the falls have had a little more force behind them than normal (i.e. some folks/events have been pushing me down).

He hasn't magically grown wings and become my Fairy Housekeeper. He still suffers from moments of parental distraction (case in point: Tuesday I had a City Council meeting. I came home and Punkinhead reported he'd taken a bath. Wednesday morning as I sprayed his hair before combing it, bubbles formed. Punkinhead reported, "But I did my hairw allw by myself!" Yes, son, apparently you did), and tends to be, well, such a guy about things.

But, what he has done is paramount to that other stuff.

He's actually said, on multiple times, and without provocation, "Hey, I forgot to ask you about how xyz event went. Do you want to talk about it?" whether xyz event was a good thing OR a bad thing. This is huge.

He's told me how much I mean to him. And tells me how much it bothers him when others aren't fair/honest/nice to me.

He's cooked dinner an awful lot - which isn't so much a change as he just asks if he can do it more.

He's a hard worker, and gets little credit for it at work.

He has a heart filled with good intentions - and it's true what they say about intentions, but if I sit and remember that he started out in a good place it puts things in perspective.

He's touched me more lately - and not just in a sexual way, but in that very physical I'm-here-if-you-need-to-lean kind of way. But also in the sexual way ;) It's all good.

It's like I was telling my surrogate mum (yeah, she's a red-headed Brit old enough to be my grandma, but she's Mum to me) the other night, Charlie Brown and I have a very bipolar marriage. We have ups and downs like anyone else, they just seem to go to the extremes. And at that, Mum just laughed at me and told me she loved me and my idioms.

Anyway, you're a good man Charlie Brown - and I'm lucky to have you.

Waxing Blo[g]xistential

(Blo[g]xistential = Blog + Existential in case you're wondering)

So the other day I was asking some bloggy to be or not to be's and I didn't really post the answers. Partly because I didn't [still don't] have the answers fully processed. Another partial cause is due to having been E.X.T.R.E.M.E.L.Y. frappin' busy with work. The Boss has too, in fact today she said aloud to herself, "Ok, just breathe. Calm. Pheeeeeeeeeewww." I asked her if she was ok, and she says, "Oh gosh, I'm sorry - I just have so many things rolling inside my head I had to just say 'Cool it!'" We both laughed then, because it is so true. The post-holiday craze of getting life back to normal, or some other such thing.

Without further ado, though, I would like to try and sort this out in my mind.

1.) Why do I blog?

This question was asked of me almost 2 years ago, when I first started blogging. My answer remains much the same:

2. I know you're new to blogging. What influenced you to start a blog, and what do you hope for out of it?
-- I am recently re-diagnosed with major depression (2nd time in life) and trying to face myself in a very real way. For a long time, I have repressed things, such as my ambivalence towards what feels like Plan B for my life, or my lifelong pipe dream to be creative with my writing. I am at a point now where it's not likely I'll be writing freelance or otherwise for awhile, and journalling doesn't keep me accountable to creative expression so much as record keeping, so I guess with a blog (and hopefully a readership following it) I'm hoping to return to better use of my brain and abilities, keep a meaningful and expressive hobby that is fulfilling, and generally put myself out there for anyone who wants to see. Coming of Age Entertainment/Education Reality-Style.

Trying to face myself in a very real way. Still. Also, while I have long been a trumpeter, a caller of attention to the elephants in the room of my life, there were a few things that were elephants in the room in my own mind, such as:

-motherhood isn't my great calling or strength;
-seemingly self-confident and strong me has felt rather insecure and weak throughout my life;
-despite believing in the Holy Trinity I sometimes experience doubts, anger, and fear about God;
-my marriage isn't perfect and I am prone to second guessing and using my youth as a scapegoat [i.e. I was too young to get married] when we are in hard times;
-and who knows how many other similar sorts of things

As an analytical sort, I want to know why I am the way I am - as such, this exploration that my blog affords me delves into my upbringing and experiences, the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. As these experiences often involved more than just myself, sometimes my blogging points to other people who've shaped me - my mother, my husband, my siblings, my children - in good and bad ways.

Some people think that such introspection can best be done on paper - privately. And for some people that's true. It hasn't proved to be for me - I start paper journaling, and before a week is up, I've dead-ended. Blogging, I have lasted for almost 2 years. And it has helped me a lot.

Two years ago, the elephant in the room was that I was seriously depressed and thinking about ending my life, albeit vaguely. Despite wanting desperately to talk about this, no one wanted to hear about it. Not that they didn't care, but it hurt them to think that I was hurting that badly, and it was a damned uncomfortable topic. So I didn't talk about it, even though everyone close to me knew that I was depressed and on meds, discussion about these feelings I was drowning in were off limits. Except for here.

Here, I found support. And community. Perspectives different than my own or those so close to me.

Most importantly, I felt HEARD.

So what if it wasn't the people who "needed" to hear me? For the first time in my life I am heard, and validation to my feelings is given. I may not be totally understood, given that what is written about here is only but a facet of my complicated self, but not only do people come to listen to my voice here, they HEAR it, absorb it, digest it, respond to it with something other than, "That's not true!"

I blog because through blogging I am finding myself and I am heard.

Peace Takes Courage, part II

In my first installment regarding the application of the idea that Peace Takes Courage, I worried about the growing political tensions about the newly established temporary inclement weather shelter for the homeless.

As of Monday, I’d heard a majority of City Council was against renewing the lease. I’d also heard that they wanted the City Manager to recommend discontinuation of the lease so that they (the elected officials) wouldn’t have to be the voice of dissent. Our City Manager stood up to them and recommended that the lease be continued for this season. Tuesday, the Council would have to vote on it.

Tuesday morning, I went to the City Manager and let him know that I supported his recommendation and would be in attendance if he needed my input on anything.

My heart thumped at the meeting, in anticipation of merchants protesting, “Not in my backyard” and heat from the officials. I chanted internally, “Diplomatic and logical, diplomatic and logical” over and over as a reminder to myself to keep things in check. When it came time to public comment and the vote, however, I was pleasantly surprised. I didn’t even need to speak!

City Council’s dissenters re: the shelter obviously felt that the community was largely for this, and left their opinions at the door, voting in favor of extending the lease this winter.

As for plans for next year – we’re on the verge of something big – I can just feel it..

Another option

I think I like this one better - what do ya'll think?

Revamping

I've been quiet the past couple of days.

Thinking about why I blog. What I blog. Who I blog.

And thinking about why I should blog. What I should blog. Who I should blog about.

Leave it to "should" to change things up.

Anyway...I'm still pondering this.

In the meantime, I want my blog to illustrate whatever it is that I decide it to be.

What think you of this for a new header?

Apparently the elephants in the room are all in my mind

I got my mental ass kicked this weekend.

For something I'd written about here.

I'd intended to demonstrate understanding of 2 sides to a particular issue, but instead it was perceived as judgmental, insensitive, etc.

Thus, I'm not going to be quite so "real" here.

It's not safe for me to do so, which is shit really b/c I started this blog to keep it real for myself - beyond journaling, there are readers who help me gain perspective on the things I write about, those who see things both differently and similarly.

I may be starting a blog safe for the elephants to be discussed, open by invitation only. I may not, then too.

A Meeting of the Hearts

Wednesday morning, I took the kids to meet my sis, her beau, bro and his roomie at a coffee shop across from LMNOB's school from last year.

Punkinhead proudly announced that he was going to go to school next year and Ms. S was going to be his teacher.

LMNOB was quick to correct, "Nuh-uh! Ms. S doesn't even work there anymore, AAAAAAAAAAAND, we go to LocalNeighborhoodSchool now!"

Punkinhead, "Awwww.....but Ms. S is the bestest teacher evewr."

LMNOB, quietly, "Yeah, she was."

That night, Sis and Beau came over and we played the dumbest board game known to man, er, I mean a game we received as a gift this year. At one point we were asked if we could write 34 in Roman numerals. I, in a very S-M-R-T moment, scribbled IIIIV quite smugly and then realized I was quite wrong. Doh! XXXIV, Heather.

LMNOB immediately wrote a note on one of the game's papers.

Dear Ms. S...
I learned how to write 34 in Romen numrals
XXXIV
Love,
LMNOB
I (heart) u Ms. S. You are the graetist teacher.

She had studied Roman numerals at school last year, and we marveled at her memory.

Fast forward to tonight --->>>

We went to Tarzhay for some necessaries.

Charlie Brown had written the list on the back of the aforementioned note, having told me, "Be careful with it. If LMNOB sees that other side, she's gonna kill me!"

We'd split up as Punkinhead was in top form.

LMNOB and I were studying stationery when a familiar voice said, "Oh, wow, if it isn't my favorite girl!"

We looked and lo! It was Ms. S! The bestest kindergarten teacher a first-time mother could have ever asked for. A woman in whom I'd confided some of my deepest fears and entrusted my child to her loving care.

We hugged, we talked, and I told her, "I have to show you something - it's a funny coincidence," I said, alluding to many previous conversations about faith and how all thing happen for a reason, as I pulled out our shopping list. "LMNOB did this Wednesday night."

We talked. And talked. It was SO good to see her. I'd e-mailed her before Christmas to tell her about LMNOB's progress, and she'd gotten it, just hadn't had time to respond. I understand, life is B.U.S.Y.

We hugged some more - and her new principal walked by - Ms. S waved him over and said, "This is LMNOB from my kindergarten class last year - check out this note she wrote the other night," and showed him excitedly.

Ms. S was a kindred spirit for me, and it was a good reminder to keep in touch.

In which I must heed my own ramblings...

I'm upset.

I have lots to say about a particular matter - but my heart is weary. Could this be compassion fatigue?

I've already said QUITE a lot on this matter. And that's only what I've blogged. Let us not forget the many conversations, e-mails, and presentations I have made trying to get people to see the BIG picture, as opposed to their own favorite perspective, that which is but a lone pixel in the whole of the image.

According to shelter director Overnight Guy1, however, shelter organizers do not have a plan if the City Council denies the continuation of their lease.

And that just makes me mad, because when something is conditional, temporary, and/or going to be reevaluated in 6 weeks, perhaps you ought to figure out a Plan B just in case.

But, that's just the thing - this man has not done ANY of the leg work, instead guess who has had to hold everyone's hand at the 11th hour, and put aside the other important tasks on my list? Yeah, and while I believe in the cause, I resent the manner in which it has been put together.

Daytime Dude said he’d actually like to see a more-open policy at night; the current city policy requires all people to pass a breathalyzer test.

It's a BEST PRACTICE!!! It's not fool proof, it's not a guarantee, but it is implemented by every shelter in the state. Why sacrifice the potential safety of many for the convenience of one?

“Are we trying to get people in out of the cold, or are we trying to help their habits?” Daytime Dude said. “Let’s judge it based on their behavior instead of what they blow on a breathalyzer.”

Again, I will remind Daytime Dude that one of the shelter guests has demonstrated past behavior that is very disturbing (twice over it has since been made known, and the last a mere six months ago), while under the influence of alcohol. It would seem that we ought to indeed try to help this man's habits as a matter of public safety. Don't get me wrong, I know this homeless man, love him and everything, but in the end, I'm not going to risk the welfare of others because he has a weakness to alcohol.

And, I have reason to believe that is what the shelter operators have done, seeing as how a whole bag of mouthpieces just happened to disappear last month. End result: Until a new shipment came in, they didn't have to breathalyze anyone for two days.

As they all look toward the future, everyone seems to agree the problem being solved should be the roots, not the effects, of homelessness.

As this paragraph immediately follows the breathalyzer commentary, it is assumed that substance abuse is to be taken as the effect of homelessness, rather than as a root. Which I find astonishing, because it seems to me that is one of the greatest chicken and the egg dilemmas in the field of social work, and by golly they seem to have found the answer, in order to speak with such certainty.

I'm venting here.

It is a multifaceted issue, and this post is just airing my emotions about one angle. I'm aware of that. I'm also aware that my personal and professional actions do differ, but the end result is the same - I care. I want to end homelessness, not just manage it.

But, as I close this post and consider my actions, I have to keep telling myself:

Peace takes courage because it means sometimes letting go of me being right and having faith that all things will be made right, eventually.

Peace takes courage because it means releasing the hold on my own understanding and having to ask for help from the One who told us to seek His Ways.

Please pray for me to be courageous, ya'll, and speak Truth in Love only when prompted by the Spirit - not my own understanding.

Payin' it Forward

Jason called this afternoon.

He's still in Denver, still doing his in-patient program.

He called as he found my number and wanted to let me know how much our interactions meant to him - how hitting bottom that second day we'd known each other really has helped him in his recovery.

I told him I was glad that it had worked out that way - that he'd been in our prayers regularly since having met him.

He thanked me, and told me that he would always remember us and would try to pay it forward and keep it real with people he met in life.

And that, friends, made my day.

Also made me think about a line from Toby Mac's Diverse City:

We 'bout to do this thing for real
Diverse City got mass appeal
So put your hand in the hand of mine
And we'll spread this love like dandelions