Ah...so check it out, folks...

I already shared this with some of the readers who are on my "friends and family updates" e-mail list, but forgot about posting ANYTHING here... I'm such a bad personal-life-exhibitionist for you folks who are into the personal life voyeurism trend that this blogging thing is. [Hey, I'm in that group too!!]

Enough rambling...

In case you had more important things to do, and you weren't obsessing over keeping a running tally of my papers for my class this semester like I was, I received all As on the first 4 papers (of 5 total). As much as I've known that I'm a strong writer, I really wasn't pulling a Melinda Doolittle each time got a paper back, with rave reviews - I really was surprised! Besides, I am my own worst critic, and can never objectively rate myself.

As of last Monday the jury was still out on the 5th paper, which was in my opinion - a bomb. Prior to getting it back, my instructor e-mailed me this:

Heather,
[I wrote to you earlier about this, but I just wanted to let you have my official statement too...]

You have an A grade going into the final, and therefore you may simply turn in your prior essays (unless one or more of them exceeds 1,000 words, in which case you should edit it down to that number).

But learning isn't just about grades, so I would be most interested to see how your ideas have evolved over the course of the semester.

If you'd like to submit one or more of your essays, revised, I'll give them the same attention as usual. It's your choice, completely.

I know everyone is pressed for time at the end of the semester, so I'll certainly think no less of you if you decide to "leave well enough alone."

Best,
LD

The final - for everyone else - was to revise 3 of the 5 essays we turned in.

My last paper came back, with a B+ and my instructor's concession that I was right, it wasn't my best.

So, I revised it this weekend, and now I'm done.

With an A in the class.

I'd have never thought I would get an A in the first Master's level class I took. Ever.

LMNOB's Sermon Notes

As the cue for Children's Bible Hour sounded today, Punkinhead eagerly took off. LMNOB did not want to go - which is really not at all unusual. Charlie Brown was off riding his motorcycle and I just said, "Aw sure, you can stay in the sermon with me."

Behold the wonder of merging LMNOB with white copy paper, blue ball point ink and a pink highlighter on a Sunday:

She still doesn't have spacing down pat, but it all flows:

I (heart) Jesus so much like you to[o].

Lots fo [of] pyeple [people] do to[o].

If you bulyv [lol, yeah, we have a lot of Texans in our congregation, that's "buh-lieve"] in God, you'll love athers [others]!

This last line cracked me up - ever the inquisitor:

What is a spayrit [spirit]?

Then the drawings, followed by her stamps of approval/disapproval. Angels and hearts = Yes, Dev[i]l = No with an x through him.

It brought me joy today.

One question though - anyone have a working definition of "spirit" that a 6 y/o would understand?

Beginning a Sensory Diet

***Edited to add: "BT the OT" was rolling around in my head to the tune of "Ahab the Arab"... I thought if you read it that way, it would be funny...as it was intended. Yeah...I think in terms of pop cultural, particularly musical, references. Weird, huh?

Yesterday, I ventured a discussion with LMNOB about what exactly BT the OT (or the OT formerly known as #2) is going to be for her. We talked about how BT the OT is going to help LMNOB, with how to learn about her body and her brain, especially for the times that it isn't working quite like it should be. I told her that she would be meeting with BT the OT pretty frequently, and that they would get to do LOTS of FUN stuff.

LMNOB gets it, and she is really excited - tells me this is the right fit.

BT the OT identified LMNOB's primary areas of dysfunction as touch and body awareness. In both regards she is under-sensitive and seeks extra stimulation - so that is what we will be doing, giving her stimulation in a structured way that feeds her crave and will [hopefully] lessen the socially inappropriate ways that she is acting out in.

For instance - last night when we got home, I took the kids over to the small park {one piece of equipment} across from our house and had LMNOB (and Punkinhead too, to make it seem more "normal") do some "heavy work" - hanging from bars (in sets, as a contest, "let's see how long we can hang"), crab-walking on the grass, and rolling down the hill. They had a blast doing it, it was easy for me, and later when we went out on a family date to eat, LMNOB was AWESOME.

Punkinhead, eh, not so much, but he was really tired - not to mention that he's been trying to get attention off LMNOB and back on him - and he does what he knows best to do: Act like a holy terror. Oh, but he's OUR holy terror and we love him dearly.

Since LMNOB was doing so well, we were walking after dinner, walked past Claire's and Charlie Brown goes, "Wanna get your ears pierced tonight?"

Of course she did, she's only been talking about it all year - having seen her peers with holes, plugged with sparkley jewels, in their ears all year long.

I was scared, thinking "sensory nightmare!" but she did GREAT and now has two beautiful birthstone earrings that she is SOOOOOO proud of.

"3M (her cousin who is 8) doesn't even have HERS done, that makes me the ONLY grandkid with pierced ears, and that means I'm BRAVE!!" I'd forgotten what giddy looks like at age 6. It's cute, very, very cute.

We then went to Dick's Sporting goods and bought a mini-trampoline to keep inside for the kids. Raising a Sensory Smart Child recommended them for tantrums, tactile input, and more.

Came home, cleaned the newly pierced ears (that was a bit of a struggle, and I was really second guessing this spontaneous gesture afterward....today, though, it's all good), and went to bed.

This morning, however, was a crash back to reality.

A superfit started when I said no to the proposition of McBreakfast. We have cereal and you will eat it, and you will like it!

I told LMNOB to go jump on the tramp.

Screamed at me, was the 6 y/o equivalent of, "No freaking way.!"

I placed her on it and told her to jump, for 5 minutes, b/c, as I crossed my fingers behind my back, "Miss BT the OT said to in times like these." She didn't necessarily have to know that I pulled that from a book, right?

She resisted, stomping her feet on the tramp. Then she started jumping, and seemed like she was getting madder.

Oh no - it's like that study that shows that cathartic therapies only made aggressive people more aggressive. What now?

Somewhere, between the timer display of 4:59 and 1:30 (that's minutes:seconds remaining) she began to have fun, and by the time 5 minutes was up, a smile had erased the storm clouds.

And ordinary breakfast was suddenly A-OK.

The day picked up from there, and the trampoline was a hit for fun-time too...along with the American Idol microphone courtesy of one McLunch...much to the chagrin of Charlie Brown, who got crabby at the incessant, albeit happy!happy!joy!joy! made up performances, and request for input from the judges...lol. I told him to suck it up butter cup, b/c A) they were H.A.P.P.Y. and B) he's going to be gone ALL.DAY.TOMORROW.

Tonight, LMNOB and I started to do Pilates together - but she wasn't into it tonight. I thought it would be a great sensory activity to do because she 1.) has expressed interest in doing this (and done it) before, 2.)it's core strengthening - which according to BT the OT, she needs more of, and 3.) Because (read in best James Brown "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" voice) Hey! mama wants a brand new bod! Maybe yoga next time, since it doesn't move as fast??

The key is to do a little each day - as BT the OT reminded me, "It is a sensory diet because much like your food diet what you eat every day, not just M/W/F, a sensory diet needs to be fed every day."

The Visit

It went well enough.

Lot of paperwork.

LOTS of talking...mostly talking, while LMNOB played with all of the oodles of fun things to do.

I was surprised at the "screening." I had had it in my mind that LMNOB would be "tested" on various tasks - but rather it was mainly the OT observing LMNOB in her play behavior, my completion of a Sensory Inventory, and establishing history. This was fine with me, though - I don't know that I'm ready to see the glaring symptoms shine at once....this is more subtle and relational, thus more deal-able for me.

It would seem, by my answers on the inventory, and the OT's feedback, that we are definitely on the "issues" area of the sensory spectrum - mild to moderately so - which is good, because it isn't the worst case scenario. There are some adaptive things that teachers, family, friends, daycare folks can help us with, and that's great - but it just means educating them all - which could take a bit of time. God wants me even busier I guess?

The scheduling is going to be the fun part - at least at first. This OT is in Loveland, where I work, but LMNOB's school is in Ft. Collins, where we live. The next appt will be 10:30 on Friday, which means I will drop her off to school, try to do some work from home, pick her up - go to the OT, drop her off and go back to Loveland to finish work! I guess that's why I drive the old run down subaru and not the nicer, but more gas guzzling trailblazer.

Soon, though, Weds. afternoons should come open, which is when I get off early to volunteer - still just as much driving, just less to juggle.

It's just hard to not beat myself up - I mean, I ignored my gut for how long? But, I can't do that, I know.

We go up from here, right?

Onward Marching...

Well, tomorrow's the day.

LMNOB goes to the OT tomorrow - 8:30 AM - for her assessment.

I feel like there is a perpetual dum-de-dum-dum-daaaaaaaaaaaaaa in the background.

I KNOW I shouldn't be worried. But I am. Irrationally so.

What if it's nothing?

Uh, it is something. Finger painting with fecal matter on a consistent basis is something at this age. Saying faces don't look right when they are speaking is something. Not being aware of bodily sensations is something. Inability to maintain eye contact is something. The superfits are something.

What if the label fits?

What if it doesn't?

Could I have done something sooner?

What if this is the wrong something?

A newfound friend reminded me of this promise on Monday - I need to do well enough to cling to it:

John 14:27 (spoken by Jesus):

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

Hindsight is 20/10...

I had a revelation last night, not in a Joseph-coat-of-many-colors kind of way, or a Joseph Smith kind of way, but rather, it was a gaining of perspective, a brief glimpse at how interconnected events that I previously thought of as just random-that's-just-how-life-shaked-out happenings really are. And while we all say that hindsight is 20/20, I have got to say this big picture variety that I got to see was at least 20/10.

It's given me hope.

And closure on some things.

And peace about being a work-out-of-the-home mom.

A reminder of the deliberate involvement God has in our lives.

But most of all, this epiphany has drawn me closer to the merciful God from whom I've grown increasingly distant.

Some of you who don't believe will tsk and say, "Damn, that girl can make a rationalization for EVERYTHING. It's because she doesn't stop thinking, that's all there is to it."

But you won't change my mind. What I'm about to say may not change yours. And that's ok, but it's never kept me from speaking my heart before, why start now?

12 years ago, I was a very bright 16 year old girl. Also very insecure and starved for attention. Any guy probably would have done - sad to say - as I had not a lot of self-respect, despite all outward appearances.

But El Shaddai brought Charlie Brown forth as the guy. 3 years later, we would fancy ourselves in love and would marry. He would later prove to be, despite being the best earthly friend I've ever had, one of the biggest causes for heartache in my life...for a season. Later I would see there was a reason for the season.

With this heartache, I would go through a refiner's fire not far removed from the inner circle of hell, flames burning with shame, grief, regret and anger. I would first become hard and brittle at the first burning, then more malleable as the heat burned hotter, and finally would become a woman whose desire to see the big picture vanquished the fears that had once held her hostage. Seeing the big picture would prove to be difficult at times, but would open the mind's ability to better understand and subsequently, forgive.

The heartache continued over the years - despite seeking help, it would be elusive and not found...just yet. There would be a reason for that too.

We would be blessed with a baby girl - whose entry to this world was not planned. We would fail to see the blessing for what she was. That lack of acuity by no means meant she was any less loved than she could have been, however.

I would seek out the Lord and try to realize His purpose for me. I would find work to supplement our family's needs, and in reaching out to the mentally ill and homeless, regain my sense of worth; a value I'd thought I had had and lost, but truthfully, had never really had. I would find value in myself that I previously thought impossible. It would not be dependent on my husband's actions or affirmations.

I would form relationships with people I was to work with in the future, not knowing it. I would fall in love with my husband again, and he with me. We would plan our son, and greet him with a most miraculous birth. When our son was one year old, I would find myself working with a woman I'd secretly admired the whole time I'd worked with the mental health center.

The heartache my husband carried with him would return, since we had never fully resolved the issues. In my newfound employment, I would have benefits that would make me demand counseling. We would see Counselor S. We would reestablish trust, love and all that yet again, miraculously and despite the odds.

We would continue in our lives, losing contact with Counselor S. But she would lease up at our pediatrician's office, and when LMNOB's behaviors would start to alarm us - we would try to find Counselor S's contact information and it would be to no avail b/c she doesn't advertise, even in the phone book. But, we would connect with her, through the pediatrician. And she would have information that no one else in her field would - that would actually make the most sense of all the worries we would have had about LMNOB along the way. And Counselor S would give us the vital information to take our steps toward helping our precious girl.

But, that never would have happened if:

I had never begun working for the City, for whom Counselor S was a network EAP provider - okay so God provides, we all know that.

But I never would have demanded we see a counselor if we hadn't battled with this heartache for so long, nor would I have had to make this request if we'd gotten help and destroyed the heartache's grasp on our family earlier. What I'm trying to say, is that God took this bad thing, allowed it to reach a certain point, and only when the resolution was going to connect us to this person who would play such a pivotal point in our lives, only then did He take it away.

It's kind of like that movie, The Butterfly Effect, and how everything is so intricately connected to other events in our lives. I know the movie is related to Chaos Theory - which is not a theistic theory - but things do tie together in a supernatural way, that Almighty way that He has about Him. Now I'm just looking at it all, and seeing the purpose in it. If all of that strife of the past was for the benefit of our daughter when she needed it, then it has not been all for naught.

Certainly God did not will for Charlie Brown to bring this heartache upon us, God never wishes for the havoc that sin can wreak in our lives. But He knew the events were going to unfold as they would, and I believe that He intervened, and turned an ugly thing into a thing of hope for us - even if it was several years removed. That's the closure part, because that part of our lives served a greater purpose, and we are more in love and committed to one another than ever before.

God put me on a career track not just because of material needs, or solely as a means to strengthen the talents He's blessed me with, but because it is through my work that I have come face to face with Him. And where I made the connections to help my girl. I will no longer feel like less of a mother of less of a Christian because I don't long to be a SAHM. And I hope that Christians who read this testimony might realize that God doesn't always design a family's plan such that it is always best for mom to stay home - b/c His answer might just surprise you. It was meant to be, and I have peace about it.

If He can make our heartache a beautiful, hopeful thing, with purpose above and beyond what we can conceive (we are very much in love, even if dramatic and non-romantic at times) then I know that LMNOB, whether she has SID or not, has a purpose that is triumphant and will bring glory to Him. Oh, that I may remember that in the midst of a superfit, that I may live up to the task of molding her and teaching her about the things He would have her be. That's the hope part.

This level of involvement humbles me.

Who am I that He would craft these inane details of my life to play out so significantly, so perfectly?

You're my beloved.

Especially when I've served Him so imperfectly?

Because I LOVE you. No matter what.

He loves you too. No matter what.

***Edited to add - I have brought my own levels of heartache to this family as well - please don't picture me as a faultless martyr - 'cause I'm not. But the post was long enough without all of that.

Should it be this hard??

So...last week and this week I've been full of self doubt about LMNOB and whether SID is the real issue at hand for her. Or...not?

I've been rationalizing away - the fits seem to increase relative to periods of significant changes, it's age appropriate behavior - common in any 6 yr old...from time to time, she's just working through some "issues..."

But then there was today.

Charlie Brown had to work, but I was actually not dreading the day, for once!

You see, LMNOB's strep fever broke early yesterday morning and as we passed the roadsign that said, "Now approaching 24 hours of Amoxicillin," I was given the green light from the doc to let her out of quarantine... which meant... DATE NIGHT!

Yes, last night was our much desperately needed night to reconnect - and oh, boy, did we!! After all the fireworks were had (BIG, beautiful, glorious fireworks) Charlie Brown slung his arm across me, and actually said, "It's nice to be in love again, isn't it?" As opposed to merely knowing that love does reside in our home but has been placed somewhere that we aren't quite sure of...*sigh* that is the sound of a contented woman... Can I just live in the reverie of this memory??? Mmmm....

Needless to say I was rested, content and ready to play with the kids today, planning a variety of sensory diet-type activities. Riding bikes, playing ball, a trip to the park? The sky was the limit.

We ate breakfast with little struggles, and talked about what we'd like to do with the day we were about to embark on. We had some minor chores to do, which the kids begrudgingly and mediocrely performed, but did nonetheless.

At approximately 9:45 am this morning, LMNOB began to melt down.

She wanted to go to the park - I said great, let's get dressed. She wanted to wear a dress...I said no, reason why is sidenoted below -

becaaaaaauuse, it was a little overcast, drafty and not quite as warm as it had been yesterday, and LMNOB has a proven track record of underdressing for an outing, only to be subsequently followed by an irascible fit causing immeasurable public mortification, followed thereby with an exit, equating such outings as a WASTE. OF. TIME.

In trying to prevent a meltdown - I'd created one. Quickly I tried to do some damage control before the fury unleashed in its fullness.

"So that it's not too hot, but also keeps your legs warm - let's try a pair of capris. Here, here are 3 equally pretty pairs of pants, pick one of these."

No dice.

Enter the hateful, aggressive, banshee of a stranger my darling daughter becomes in moments like these. She is averse to pants, preferring the freedom that the bare skin beneath a dress affords her. But, again, I was trying to pick my battles and, for me, the prospect of a wasted trip trumped the personal comfort style I know that LMNOB prefers.

I tried explaining.

I gave her the ultimatum - pick a pair in 10 minutes or else we simply are not going. Of course, as you will see, it was an idle threat...I have equally mixed feelings about that too.

After many minutes, I tried to leave her in her room, explaining that Mommy needed a break from her, that I would let her cry it out and be back up.

That just left her screaming her freak-out wails of "I Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant Yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu," pinching me (as a means of her frantically trying to ensure I would stay with her), pulling on my shirt to the point of nearly tearing it, and flinging her body at me while she shook her head no to anything that came out of my mouth.

I narrowly escaped her grasp and shut her bedroom door. She immediately came after me, but I, having had experience with this stood outside clutching the door knob. She screamed, oh God how she screamed these ethereal, you-couldn't-possibly-understand-the-hell-that-it-is-to-be-me screams. I began to cry, as all of my rationalizations over the course of LMNOB's lifetime suddenly failed:

She's just a really particular baby.

She just likes to be held. A lot.

She's just really strong-willed.

And smart... she just knows that if she keeps it up, she'll get her way.

She's just clumsy like I was - she'll outgrow it.

She just gets so busy that she waits to pee until it's too late.

Or this one... how many times have I used this on family outings;

She's just not in her routine - she's not always like this.

Yeah...they, and a hundred others, all flashed before me and I sobbed, because I painfully realized, without sugar coating, excuses, or what have you; this is not "normal."

After several moments, I felt like she'd given up on leaving, and would continue the fit for its duration in her room. I let go of the knob, and stealthily went down the stairs. Punkinhead, who had become somewhat antagonistic to LMNOB at the beginning of the rage, had somehow gotten the memo on his own that this wasn't going away and had kept to himself downstairs. That was a miracle in itself.

I embraced him hungrily. "I'm sorry sweetie. LMNOB's having a really hard time like she sometimes does. Thank you for leaving us alone while we needed to be. I love you."

He hugged me back and looked back at me, all innocent and big blue eyes, and mumbled, "I know you do, Mama." And he hugged me, again, with fervor.

We sat together and listened to her howl, silently wondering if indeed we would ever make it to the park. It was now 10:45.

In an optimistic gesture, I went and made two PB &J's (who knew what the little miss would prefer - so I left that blank).

She came down the stairs - clad in one of the pairs of capris I had selected.

I tested the waters; "Are we done?" Eyebrows raised with compassion, not annoyance.

She nodded tearfully, hiccupping in that post-sob way, "Mama, my brain's just not awake yet, but I am!"

That's a little different variation of her standby for the past 18 mos or so: "My brain just isn't working/thinking!" Where she came up with it, I dun.no....

I hesitated to ask, b/c I knew what turmoil I was about to cause. "What do you want for lunch - PB & J or turkey sandwich?" I may just as well have said, "Lather, rinse, and repeat," for that was the immediate effect.

At 11:30 this morning, nearly 2 hours after the onset of everything - we were able to leave. OT #1 told me that these normal spectrum behaviors that everyone has to some extent become problematic only when the "frequency, intensity, and duration," become damaging. I don't know if every 3-4 weeks for a superfit is all that frequent, but the intensity and duration of them freaking wipe me out.

This was the first superfit since we recognized SID as a plausible explanation for LMNOB's "issues." Also the first superfit since having been somewhat educated as to what SID entails. As a result, I have been hypervigilant, looking for displays of "SID behaviors" - whatever that means, since it tends to be so individualistic as to the issues each child will have. Today, the two fit factors were clothing and food - both very sensory related issues. Add to it, that at one point, I grabbed LMNOB's arm while she was flailing at me, and she screamed as if it was the most agonizing thing ever - and I barely had my hand around her forearm. Afterward, her tip toe walking was much more pronounced than it normally is - with her entire foot, minus the toes, up in the air as she took her steps, instead of the usual heel only. As we were walking, she pulled Punkinhead in the wagon for a time. It was then that she wanted me to hold her free hand - to which I gladly obliged - these public displays of affection are lessening, after all. I was a little shocked when she said, "No, Mama, can you squeeze it harder, please?" but I did as she asked, and held her hand much firmer than a bigshot's handshake until we got to the park.

She was fine the rest of the afternoon, and had a blast. When home, I noticed the "w-sit" position was constant for her - but hey, if she was happy, right? They rested for a time when we got home, but then when it became dinner time (which I have always called the witching hour - since she was a baby it has always been the most stressful time of day for me - except maybe now, which is getting ready for school in the mornings), it all went to pot again. She "punched" Punkinhead in the eye (I put it in quotes b/c it wasn't as forceful as a punch, but it was a punch-like jab nonetheless) accidentally - to which she said she "didn't know what she was doing;" while I realize that she still tells fibs that are not explained away by SID so much as they are by the normal fear of consequences, there was that blank look in her eyes that told me this was beyond sibling rivalry. Several minifits - seemingly like afterquakes, when looked at wholistically, followed and now that she is sleeping on her Daddy's shoulder on the couch - only now can I feel like I can process what today has been.

The third-scheduled appointment for her evaluation is set for Thursday. Let's hope that saying about this being the charm holds true.

Write Your U.S. Representatives about HR 840

For those of you who lack writing ability time, I have included a nice, Colorado specific template - please feel free to use.

For those of you elsewhere in the country, feel free to take a look at the National Coalition for the Homeless site and insert their data, national or that which is applicable to your own state.

To find your representative's contact info, click here.

To see where your state representatives are on co-sponsorship of this bill, click here.

Ok, the template...

(Insert organization name here) would like to draw your attention to a great crisis in Colorado – homelessness.

Based on a statewide homeless census that was conducted in August, 2006*, there were a minimum of 16,203 homeless persons in the state of Colorado counted within a 24 hour period of time. Another 1,577 survey respondents while not homeless, were living on the edge of homelessness. The actual scope of homelessness is likely to encompass a much higher number of persons due to the tendency to
undercount a population with often unstable and transient lifestyles.

Regardless of the number, and whether it was high or low, several startling discoveries were realized when the data from the count was analyzed:

• 66% (7,713) were households with children
• 34% (3,643) were children and teens
• 50% of all respondents (3,165) had one or more disabling condition (serious mental illness, HIV/AIDS, serious medical/physical condition, developmental disability or chronic substance abuse)
• 9% of all respondents (610) were identified as chronically homeless

Further, the following shelter/housing trends were noticed:

• 31% were in time-limited transitional housing
• 23% were temporarily staying with friends and/or family
• 19% were staying in an emergency shelter
• 10% were unsheltered
  

While many of Colorado’s homeless are actually employed, working hard to keep their families together, it just isn’t enough. Add any of the above conditions, transportation obstacles, long waiting lists for services, and programmatic barriers to the mix and the future is bleak, particularly for the children who have no control over their family circumstances.

At a national level, there has been confusion over the definition of homeless, seeing as the McKinney-Vento Homeless Assistance Act provides three different versions, one for the U.S. Dept. of Education, one for the U.S. Dept. of Veteran’s Affairs, and the final one for the U.S. Dept. of Housing and Urban Development (HUD). HUD’s definition is the most stringent, and the most tied to whether a person would receive housing assistance or not. HUD’s definition of homeless has been especially problematic in a variety of situations, taking the following examples:

1.) A single mother with two children has recently lost her job. She and her children stayed with her parents, who could only house them for so long. They then stayed with her long-time friend, and so on. Her daughter’s school performance failed due to the instability at home. The school’s homeless services liaison intervened and found a HUD program that offered transitional housing for homeless parents…

2.) A homeless man with schizophrenia decompensated and ended up being placed in a state mental hospital. Once he was stabilized, he was discharged to the care of the local community mental health center, which placed him in their half-way house. In the meantime, an opening in the center’s HUD regulated Shelter Plus Care program came about…

It would seem that all things are coming together for the people in our examples. Except that sadly, once they get into the process, they will find that they do not meet HUD’s stringent definition of homelessness and stable housing will remain out of reach for all of them.

But, it doesn’t have to be that way! On February 6, Representatives Julia Carson (D-IN), Geoff Davis (R-KY), Barbara Lee (DCA) and Rick Renzi (R-AZ) introduced H. R. 840, the Homeless Emergency Assistance and Rapid Transition to Housing (HEARTH) Act of 2007. Key HEARTH provisions include:

• Aligning the HUD definition of who is homeless more closely with the definition used by other federal agencies by including people who are living in doubled-up situations or in hotels/motels due to lack of adequate alternatives. This change will provide communities with the flexibility to serve the people who are homeless within their borders.

• Consolidating all HUD McKinney-Vento housing programs (except Emergency Shelter Grants) into one competitive program with a broad set of eligible activities, including homelessness prevention, permanent or transitional housing for any homeless population, and supportive services. This is the first time that homelessness prevention would be an eligible activity under the competitive portion of HUD’s homeless assistance grants.

• Does not codify a definition of “chronic homelessness” or a set of incentives designed to end “chronic homelessness.” This would end the current push to allocate significant resources for a minority sub-population of the homeless. At the same time, communities wishing to prioritize housing and services for homeless persons living on the streets are free to target dollars to that population
  

(Insert organization name here) enthusiastically endorses H.R. 840, the HEARTH Act of 2007, and respectfully requests your consideration in joining the growing list of bipartisan cosponsors. Currently, there are no Colorado cosponsors – please consider your constituents in need! Passage of this bill is one of many steps toward eliminating homelessness and building a stronger future for not only Colorado, but for America in general.

Signed,
______________________

Since I'm brain-dead...

A bulleted list of random, blah, so-not-entertaining info:

• LMNOB has strep throat. Started Amoxicillin today.
• Because she will still be contagious thru tomorrow, 1.) no OT visit (despite my having wrangled out of my prior commitment), and 2.) No date night...for the 2nd month in a row (we were the babysitters last month)
• But enough about me - my poor baby, is hurting and miserable and I wish I could take it away!
• Ok, back to me, lol, since the network server was down at work for both Monday AND Tuesday, I have me a lot of work to get done, but alas, am home nursing my sick child.
• I get kind of tired of Charlie Brown's dedication to his work in times like this - b/c unless he is also sick, I am the one who stays home (except once this winter). But my $ doesn't pay the bills as much as his does, rather it pays for benefits like sick time and health insurance.
• Charlie Brown and I had a conversation last night about "gun control" last night, in reference to V Tech. Funny, he hears "gun control," and he thinks "gun inaccessibility. period." I hear "gun control," and I think, "more thorough background checks, waiting periods, 'no gun for you' to violent offenders of any variety" - in short, I think guns become a 'controlled substance - kind of like prescription meds. They have a purpose and a need for educated users. Wanna hunt - fine, just show me you've taken a hunter's safety course, on top of standard procedures....I dunno. I just don't think the shoot-'em-up society we live in today is what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they wrote the Bill of Rights. Alright, this is a long bullet point. Suffice to say, we are in very different camps on this one.
• We have increasingly less in common, Charlie Brown and I. I miss my friend who used to know me so well.
• Life is sort of a "going thru the motions" for me right now. Automotron mode it is....
• But for how long?
• And if that answer is longer than I want it to be, then what am I going to do about it? What changes need to be made in my life?

WHAT is WRONG with these people???

Geesh...we live in a sick, hurting, and horribly fallen world.

Just as I was reading about the very-to-the-nth-degree sick behavior the Virginia Tech shooter (I refuse to give him "credit" of any sort and will not use his name here, infamously or otherwise) demonstrated, and marveling in horror at the predictability we now see in HINDSIGHT...

This notice came to The Boss's in-box. While she read it, my own words haunted me:

And think about how it could be our town, since we are a college town
too...

And it just makes me cringe at the priorities of our country....

We don't fund mental health care that could help these EVERY DAY domestic terrorists, these men have established patterns of domestic violence, and just LOOK at the numbers this flavor of terrorism produces-

We don't have enough resources to fund preventive programs for young men who need positive role models - that could make a difference-

But we'll fund a war to fight religious terrorists? Because they kill in higher volume? Because their impact is immediate, versus a gradual culmination of lives lost?

Honestly, what makes this war more important than facing the societal ills within our own country, which are of as much or greater danger to Americans, in doing the numbers - isn't that a great big elephant in the room?

I'm not anti-war to the extent that some might be, but hear me out.

MILLIONS of women, children, and the perpetrators themselves lose their lives to domestic violence related events each year. And they are our own. Killed by our own.

I am rambling.

I do not know the answers to the questions which I am asking.

I do know that the decision of "which is of greater importance" is much grayer than I've presented here.

But still, knowing that it's not easy to know, doesn't make it any easier to not know.

I Hereby Promise....

To take more note of things.

To remember that we are all here in this life together.

That what happens on a campus many miles away from me is still relevant to someone I'm bound to know.

For all the community activism I'm involved with, I tend to live with my head in the sand with respect to news.

TV - I try not to watch the news when the kids are up, end up watching programming that is mindless and a great time-suck, only to fall in bed exhausted as the 10 o'clock news comes on.

Radio - I likes me some modern rock...which means, news, eh, not so much. Charlie Brown, on the other hand, he listens to 850 KOA all the time. I keep trying to tell him Rush Limbaugh is not a reliable newssource.

Newsprint - We don't subscribe to a paper. We've found that it usually does nothing but ensure our recycle bin is full to the max each week. But, I do frequent the online editions of my local papers from time to time.

All this to say that yesterday, I got to work without any big impressions. Set about to get a few tasks done, and had to make a call to the homeless shelter in Fort Collins' director - "Sister" H. "Sister" is called such with much joking and yet admiration, b/c she runs the Catholic homeless shelter, and she really isn't a nun despite everyone's immediate assumption as much. (We don't do the nuns in habit thing here in N. CO)

Sister answers and she sounds awful.

"Hey, Sister, you ok?"

"No...my grandson goes to Virginia Tech...."

Virginia Tech, virginia tech....???

Then suddenly, I recalled a blip on the tv just before going out the door - a shooting.

"...I've been really worried, but I just got the call that he's ok."

Her fear struck me and made my blood run cold. God, thank you for his protection - help those in need.

"Sister, I'm so sorry. It's awful, isn't it? I'm glad that your grandson made it ok - but wow, you're all pretty shaken I'm sure...."

We ended up talking for awhile about the matter for which I'd called...and then some...LMNOB's eval (relevant to the meeting I'd called about - I was removing myself from the agenda), etc.

After I got off the phone, the Boss and I began to watch the death toll rise on the AP's link to the Coloradoan, which was at 30...then 31...32...and 33.

And think about how it could be our town, since we are a college town too...

I still don't understand, I hope I never do, what could drive someone to commit such a heinous and devastating crime.

"My tummy HATES me..."

This rather obscure gem from this movie gets repeated at casa del Meyer often...

Usually from its two older, more gastrointestinally-challenged-as-we-go-over-the-hill, inhabitants.

Tonight, it's me.

Peeeeeeeee-ew...poor Charlie Brown just watched a movie with me, and all of his nosehairs are now completely singed.

Not to mention that my gut is in that HORRIBLE, please-just-puke-already-it-will-feel-better-than-this stage. Yukka yukka.

It probably has nothing to do with the crap-load of Jason's Deli potato chips I kept shoveling in as I frantically wrote THE. LAST. PAPER. for my class today - nahhh, no way.

Or the Taco Bell we ate for dinner.

Or my diet of late in general.

Why does everything have to culminate all at once? I mean, crap, spring cleaning is something I have to do, lest I go nuts, and the time for that is, uh, now. Grant season, in which the Boss and I go temporarily insane, is, uh, now. Finals are, uh, now upon me. What else? Oh, yeah, LMNOB and SID sittin' in a tree...oh, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I? And then, all of the everyday ordinary stuff...meals, bills, marriage maintenance - screech go the checklist brakes!

Our last date night was two. months. ago. It feels like an eternity. And while we haven't had time to connect emotionally, I was thinking va-va-voom, until my innards decided to self-destruct.

Poor me. *sigh*

Delayed...

After another night of grant presentations last night, with a group of commissioners who are new and could best be described as affordable housing piranhas attacking the poor non-profit entities who were testing the waters, the Boss and I exchanged some raised eyebrows, and then later, after everyone was gone, we each questioned whether it was just us or was that possibly the most painfully excruciating 4 hours we just had to endure.

They were brutal, albeit civil, to the applicants, which led the Boss to confess, "That was the first time I remember apologizing to the applicants after the presentation. Ever."

Needless to say, I was feeling rather deflated when I left to go home.

Pppppppppffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttttttt.....

That was the escape of the rest of my air when I got home and heard the msg from OT #2's office, saying, "We're sorry but we have to reschedule LMNOB's appointment that was set for tomorrow. We can get her in on Friday the 20th."

Except they can't; not at the time they offered, because I have a schedule conflict.

In the meantime, we've had a good week with her. She's on her game.

And it leads me to wonder if we're chasing the wrong squirrel?

I've always struggled with ambivalence...especially when given delays.

But is it ambivalence, or just plain confusion, just chaos and illusion clouding the scene?

I keep remembering the concern of our other family members who know LMNOB, the awkwardness with her peers, the things she's said recently, and then the troubling behaviors she has had over the course of her 6 year-old life...

But then, there's this mama bear in me who doesn't want anything to be wrong with my baby - and mama bear is prone to denial, especially when she can say, "Look! See, no problems this week -None!"

My Li'l Punkin Pie

Ain't he sweet?

You've heard of "Freaky Friday" no doubt...

But what about "Tweaky Tuesday?"

What I mean is that Charlie Brown and I momentarily switched places tonight.

I had to work late, for grants presentations, but had left him a crockpot full of milky, brothy turkey that he needed to add dumplings to for dinner.

I got home around 9:30.

He says, "Did you get my msg?"

"Uhm, no, I turned my phone off so it wouldn't distract the people making presentations."

"You didn't check it after?"

"Nope, didn't think to, sorry. So what's up?"

"Well, after 40 minutes, the dumplings still weren't cooked. So it was getting late and I decided to take the kids out, but then..."

I smirked...almost knowing what was going to be said next.

"I locked my keys in the house. It. was. not. fun."

Poor guy, welcome to my world - sucks, huh?

Insert some brief, conciliatory words from me, and combined laughter here.

In the meantime, I looked around, as he was unwinding with both the TV and the computer...noticing disarray of every sort, dinner's prep dishes still out and dirtied, clutter on the kitchen table, laundry still unfolded, etc.

"Uhm, I don't mean to be mean, but did you do anything while I was gone? I was hoping to not have to come home and work after a long day. I did some chores this morning before I went in to avoid having to do stuff, and was hoping you'd take care of your mess."

He rolled his eyes at me.

Here we go - the typical defensive route, I thought.

Then he began listing all the work he had done.

Ooopsie. I'd become him on a day where I spent hours working on the house only to have him come home and say, "What did you do all day?"

But, I quickly returned to myself, following with the save that is SO not Charlie Brown - an apology:

"Ok, sorry hon, I just pulled a Charlie Brown on you. I hear you did a lot of work, I just didn't see it, and I'm sorry I jumped on you without thinking."

*Smooch*

Maybe it will inspire greater empathy on his behalf. And remind me that seeing what looks like evidence of no work being done can inspire frustration.

Also, I wonder if he put the lid on the crock pot after adding the dumplings. I forgot to ask, and it's probably best I didn't in the event that he made a big operator error, but it sure would explain a lot.....

In which my tongue becomes forked

As a result of constant biting.

Funny thing, this SID possibility, has made me suddenly uber patient with the kiddos (where has that been all their lives?), and see my kiddos for the joys that they are, which sadly, I will admit to not seeing nearly as much as I should have. It's like the behavioral cross that I've borne with them now has a reason, and thus more forgiving and understanding.

I wonder if Jesus felt that way about the cross, ya know, getting to know the hearts of men and the overall purpose and reason for everything? I'd think so, after all if anyone could make lemonade from lemons, why not the man who made wine from water?? But I digress.

For all the newfound glory and splendor that patience brings for the kiddos, I am abysmally annoyed with my husband. Granted, he's been better, a bit, but I still find him irritable and cranktastic, which translates to, for me: a BIG BABY. I'm really trying not to nag. I'm really trying to kill this fly with honey instead of vinegar. I'm really trying to ride the storm out. But, given there is no communicated reason (I have my theories - largely centered upon macho men, a category in which Charlie Brown happens to fall, not knowing how to cope in a functionally communicative way) for this immature and self-centered behavior, I don't freakin' want to carry that cross.

I have to work several evenings this month, and just want to be surprised, just once, with a clean home and reports of interactive bonding between him and the kids - not "Daddy worked on his motorcycle and we played at the neighbor's house," or "We watched ___________insert litany of television shows here." And not have to worry.

In the meantime, I'm using my "I language," and gentle requests versus demands, yada yada fluffy frou-frou therapy techniques...where I will once again prove that not only is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results insanity, but also that doing everything I know to do under the sun and yet STILL GET the same results is equally inspiring for joining loony toon-dom.

Switching gears.......

This weekend I did find hope. I read Raising a Sensory Smart Child, as per the recommendation of OT#1 (recommended by Counselor S). It further convinced me this is the issue we are facing in LMNOB, but showed me that we have a very mild case.

Re: her tendency to avoid eye contact - it gives several reasons...I decided to investigate tonight while bathing LMNOB:

"Hey girlie, do you know why you don't look at people when you're talking to them?"

"But mama, what do you mean?"

"Well, I mean when people talk usually they look at each other, but you are always looking around, even though you're a great talker. Why is that?"

"'Cuz the faces look funny."

"Oh yeah, how so?"

"Well, they're all triangley square, and just weird." At this she got quiet and somewhat downcast.

"Really? Wow...so people's faces don't look like, say, their pictures when they are talking to you?"

Shakes head no.

Whoah. Gosh, how many times have I yelled at her for not looking at me while I was scolding her? Oh yeah, serious mother guilt.

And yet, my jewel who seems to have all these issues, has somehow held it together enough for it to be undetected, save for my twinges of gut instinct during the days of her inconsolable infancy, and terrible twos that meant tantrums requiring physical restraint for LONG periods of time.

She's so smart. And it would seem, that she's used her multiple intelligences to make pretty good sense of a nonsensical world for herself. Last week, we were watching Planet Earth's episode on the sea. She knew what almost every animal, even the umbrella jellyfish, was before the announcer ever said a word. They did just do a unit where they talked about marine life in science, but man alive, I couldn't believe the detail that she knew.

We have an evaluation scheduled for this Friday, with OT #2 recommended by OT #1. Friday the 13th. It may well become a good luck sign for this family, representing the day that we secured a brighter future for her. Let's hope so.

Taking off my "City Employee" hat...

Ever so briefly so that I can put on my "Concerned Citizen" hat and lobby for something I believe in.

There is a piece of legislation at the House of Representatives right now that pertains directly to my work and my passion for serving the homeless. This is not a liberal/conservative issue when one considers the bulk of homeless persons are children who have no control over their family circumstances, half of all homeless adults are working, while others have significant disabilities to work, etc, etc.. This is about what America is going to do with our own "… tired, [y]our poor, [y]our huddled masses yearning to breathe free…” (You know, the poem on Ellis Island)

That said, please read the e-mail I wrote below and consider writing your own state's representatives:

Some of you have been wondering what you can do to make a difference in the homelessness arena, so I just thought I would take the time to share some information about HR 840: The Homeless Emergency Assistance and Rapid Transition to Housing (HEARTH) Act of 2007 which was introduced to the House in February.

I have attached a summary of what the act proposes to do, taken from the National Policy and Advocacy Council on Homelessness (NPACH) website.

One of the most significant factors of the bill is the call for a more universal federal definition of homelessness, particularly for HUD regulated housing. Currently, there are 3 different federally accepted definitions of homelessness, with HUD’s being the most stringent. This means that oftentimes a school might identify a family as homeless by the Dept. of Ed.’s definition, but then when the family seeks housing that is regulated by HUD, they do not meet that definition of homeless. Or, even in the case of a single person, if s/he is “couch hopping” but has no permanent place to stay, they are currently not “homeless” by HUD definition…So they are unable to secure housing, in the midst of other difficulties, and the cycle continues.

This act is currently seeking more co-sponsors from the House as well as organizational endorsements. A list of current cosponsors can be found at http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/bdquery/z?d110:HR00840:@@@P

Notice there are none of Colorado’s U.S. Representatives listed. For a listing of Colorado's your state's U.S. Representatives, and how to contact them, please visit: http://clerk.house.gov/member_info/index.html, and choose by state.

Ok, back to the City employee hat...Dang, my hair is all messed up now!

We are on our way

We're in Craig now for the holiday...but thought I would update for the folks who are following our trial of insurance and all that jazz.

I finally connected with the OT that Counselor S recommended I talk with. This man is a saint, also a god-send.

As noted before, he and CIGNA had a bitter break up, and thus we wouldn't be covered if we went to him. But he directed me to an OT at McKee Medical Center, thinking that since CIGNA is the provider of choice for City of Loveland employees and that McKee is the hospital in Loveland, well, he would hope that there was coverage.

I called yesterday, and yay, yes they do and will cover it! HAAAAAAAAAAAAA-llelujah! All we needed was a note from the ped saying this was something he knew of and that he recommended screening - which was provided to them on the same day.

So next week...we begin our journey.

Hangin' in...

I am doing...

As suspected, much of the hullabaloo the other night is just Charlie Brown's inability to deal.

Or rather, his ignorance.

Or just that I mean he is a guy, who happens to think in terms of problems and solving, and not so much about HOW we can solve them. He took my, "wow, this really fits....it's treatable," to mean that 1.) there is a problem but 2.) there is a solution, so, that's all there is to it, so he's not worried, end of story.

Me on the other hand, I'm worried about the details like, "it fits, but I'm not ready to put her in a box just yet...who do we need to see...is it covered by insurance... if not - would they cover it, etc, etc," and he doesn't really want to go there, even though he knows we need to, know what I mean?

In short, he knows there's work that needs done - he just doesn't want to DO it...more specifically, he doesn't want to be the one who does it....hmmmmm, we haven't struggled with that before, have we?? ;-{

I was really frustrated last night when I decided to take a shower, and upon getting out, I discovered he'd just left the kids to themselves almost the whole time.

I just needed 30 minutes - and he spent it on his bike and the sprinklers.

I'd expect that from him on a night from before, but now, with this on his radar? It bothered me a lot, especially when LMNOB was fussing and he came into the bathroom (I was still showering) and said, "Man, I can't stand her bitching." I wanted to come unglued, but simply said, "You know, it might be tied to some of these issues, Charlie Brown, and while she can't hear you say that now, you better watch it. She does pick up on that."

It adds to my worry that this is going to become another burden solely on my shoulders - I cannot be the only one who deals with the coping things we're going to have to do as a family.

We were able to talk much more openly and calmly (though it was a rough start at first, I hate his defensiveness!) last night, and that was good. :-} It was mostly me talking and him listening, but he did have some things to say, and I listened.

LMNOB??? Well, we started to have one of those nights last night, but she settled down. We did end up with one of those mornings this morning, and it's partly my fault b/c her school clothes didn't get completely dried before I made her get dressed - and she freaked. First it was, "I don't like damp clothes," then it was, "but those are pants, I want a dress," which wasn't clean, then it was, "I'm FREEZING" then "I don't want to go to school - nobody likes me." All of these issues were presented in a high-definition frenzy, replete with repetitive screaming (think I don't want to ______ as a broken record) that I just couldn't stop - it had to run its course. The last section was the longest, witnessed by our daycare lady, and the most heartbreaking for me, and was still fussing when I dropped her off this morning @ school.

When I went in to volunteer, she was doing her clingy crying thing - but after my group was done, we did recess and she was bouncing off the walls, running up to kids and bear hugging. Then when it was time to go back in, she returned to the clingy kid. Go figure.

I shouldn't even get started on all the hoops I had to jump thru to EVEN GET A REFERRAL to an OT by my EAP, but OMG!!!! One hour of talking to a woman dumber than a box of rocks and holding rigidly to the "procedures." Turns out, the ONE OT they are networked with, "doesn't see children" and incorrectly and quite condescendingly -funny how those seem to always go together, eh - told me, " you really ought to be checking with a child psychologist anyway." I couldn't hold it in. I told her, "Hmm, that's funny Dr. (PhD in OT), but everything in print about SID says that it is only accurately diagnosed by an occupational therapist, but thank you for your misdirection anyway, I have people waiting to help me on the sidelines." I mean geeze, so you don't help children, don't you think that as a PhD in a given profession, you would have SOME IDEA?!?!?

But, thank God for small miracles...I got a voice msg from this OT that Counselor S uses and referred me to. Unfortunately their contract with Cigna (my health insurance) is up. He gave me the name of an OT at McKee hospital (Lvld) that I should check with, or the idea of doing OT with someone at PVH - no real leads there though. He wants to talk, though, before I go in to someone, so it sounds like even though he may not get any business out of it, he is willing to help. A sign of someone who really cares, and isn't in it just for the Benjamins, ya know? That's a real blessing and encouragement of itself. He said he's doing a seminar on the 19th for parents who are dealing with SID, and though it may be premature since we don't have a diagnosis, it may be helpful for us to attend. There is no childcare, and it is on a night that I have to work, so I am trying to line up childcare and convince Charlie Brown he needs to go. Right now, I want him to want to go - but I'll take him going just because I said so, too.

The Boss and I are both stressed, grant hearings start tomorrow, and I made a couple of small "detail" mistakes today - which made me think of last year's issues during this time...by her silence I suspect she was thinking the same thing. I did blow her socks off with my very first staff report to the City Manager I put together though, so I guess it is even, eh? ;-}

That has been my day...for better or for worse.

Parental Advisory Warning: Sort of Explicit Content

Disclaimer: I realize that swearing is offensive to some, so if it bugs you, there is a red x at the top right of your screen - just so you know, cuz I'm helpful like that. Also, I know that swearing bugs some of the same people who proclaim the same faith as I do, and I really am trying not to be a stumbling block - I'm just being REAL. My nerves are RAW right now, and if you can't deal, well go back to the first statement about the red x. Thank you, now for the regularly scheduled programming:

Can I just say, "Good Lord it is beginning??" Not hardly a week into this craptastic journey and we had our first indication of the stress it is going to play in our marriage...

Another IM session with my friend Heather - no, our IM sessions are not always me bitching about Charlie Brown...

Heather says:
Hey Blondie
HAM says:
blondie???
Heather says:
Meant in a totally not blonde way... I call my kids Blondies lol
HAM says:
hey, brb - I need to get the kiddies in bed
Heather says:
ok
Heather says:
lol
HAM says:
my husband is an a$$
Heather says:
uh oh what happened
HAM says:
I can't get into it right now - he's being stupid
Heather says:
you gonna blo gabout it?
HAM says:
it's jsut his inability to process all this crap we're sifting thru
HAM says:
probly not
HAM says:
but instead of him saying what's on his mind, he's gonna nitpick everything that I could have possibly done wrong
HAM says:
it's the whole smoke and mirrors thing
Heather says:

HAM says:
he just left immediately after dinner to go to the hardware store for stuff THAT COULD WAIT and left me with the kids
Heather says:
I am sorry he is being such a butthead
Heather says:
just cuzz he needed a break or something?
HAM says:
So I read for 40 minutes with them, they got a bit hyper and I was putting them to bed when you popped up
HAM says:
then he gets on me about the laundry
Heather says:
did you yell at him? lol
HAM says:
well yeah - he NEEEDED a break, lol - he got to go away the whole damn day yesterday and ride his motor bike
Heather says:
eeeeeeeek!

HAM says:
which, truth be told is probably EXACTLY why he is being pissy
Heather says:
lol well serves him right
Heather says:
our jobs as wives is to yell when they are stupid.. I am almost sure of it
HAM says:
b/c I GENTLY told him, after he pointed out that he needed to spend MORE MONEY on the stupid bike, that his mom said if we were going to need to be sending LMNOB to therapy he was gonna have to slow his bike spending down
Heather says:
positive even
Heather says:

Heather says:
And he went nuts over that? I am getting you a frying pan
HAM says:
and he got all mad - like she knows how much money I've spent, who does she think I am and all that crap
Heather says:
A BIG CAST IRON ONE!

HAM says:
I was calm then and said, whoah dude, she didn't mean it like that
HAM says:
what she meant was...ok so there is a part that is $75, not too bad a price, but that COULD be 1-2 therapy sessions, kwim?
HAM says:
to which he calmed down...a bit. But it is that whole, "I'm a big boy I'm gonna do what I want, how I want, no matter what" kind of thing
Heather says:
grrr
HAM says:
and the laundry IS bad - but uh, dude like I don't have a big pile of SHIT on my plate right now.....
HAM says:
sorry for being so profane - he just bugs the hell out of me sometimes
HAM says:
so I did yell at him
HAM says:
I believe I just said, "Then do it your own goddamn self!"
Heather says:
Good for you
HAM says:
lol....
HAM says:
I dunno, I don't exactly see that as the "submissive" behavior that Paul and Peter talk about in the Bible
HAM says:

Heather says:
lol
Heather says:
Yah, I dunno about that
Heather says:
But I bet it made you feel better
Heather says:
huh?
Heather says:
You ready for me to come down and us go out for a girls night or something? Leaving him with the kidlets ALONE lol
HAM says:
sorta - I just want him to GET it
HAM says:
he doesn't GET it so much of the time
Heather says:
HA HA dont we all wish that of our husbands
HAM says:
and get this....he was mad at me for talking with my sis on the phone, while I walked with the kids w/o him (he was cooking) saying, "You gonna spend time with your hubby tonight?
HAM says:
So then what does the dumbass do but go to the store AS SOON as dinner is done!!
HAM says:
WTH????
Heather says:
humm mayeb he thought it was paybacks?
HAM says:
so then he saw the IM window open and starts, "all you ever do is sit on the computer..."
Heather says:
*HUGS* If it helps I never see you on the computer
HAM says:
Sorry, you sent me a mixed message, sorry I didn't swoon into a lap that seemed to be all, "I don't want to be around you even if I say I do,"
HAM says:
Oh, and I believe that I told him I wanted to spend all NIGHT with him Friday night, iykwim, and he ignored that offer
HAM says:
offer, and kind of plea for him to wrap me up and take care of me....ignored
HAM says:
so sorry, if I seem a bit bitchy to you tonight (that is my ongoing conversation to him, not to you - though if so, sorry to you too!)
Heather says:

HAM says:
lol
Heather says:
no no no its ok
Heather says:
Its called a womanly ear... ventage
HAM says:
yes
Heather says:
We understand us being women
Heather says:
Men dont get it
Heather says:
so you cant vent to a man cuzz they go HUH
Heather says:
I dont get it
HAM says:
or emotional diarrhea as I prefer to call it
HAM says:
hurts before, hurts during and sometimes while wiping up, but it sure feels better afterward!
Heather says:
LOL
Heather says:
good imagary
HAM says:
LOL, sorry I'm a dork
Heather says:
LOL
Heather says:
no no it was hilarious
Heather says:
I gotta remember that one...
Heather says:
but seriously... do you ever get out for a girls night?
HAM says:
Well....sorta. I have a standing Pilates date with a gf and it ends up being more of a jaw exercise after the real workout
HAM says:
he resents it
Heather says:
lol
HAM says:
he's really resentful of me lately, it seems
Heather says:

Heather says:
Well.. sometimes our husbands know that all we do is bad mouth them and that is wrong of us... but it feels so good to us
Heather says:
and then they resent that we are making them look bad
Heather says:
to other people
Heather says:
at least that is the way it is with Jake
Heather says:
He says... do you ever say ANYTHING positive about me?!?
HAM says:
he keeps saying, in not so many words, "c'mere, let me crap on you and be a jerk, go away, hey why are you so distant??"
Heather says:
lol I said No
HAM says:
lol
Heather says:
sounds like he has some issues that need to be worked out
Heather says:

HAM says:
and then he wonders why the computer is my friend - b/c I get way more support from it than I do from him
Heather says:
Ooooooooooh have you told him that?
HAM says:
not to mention that a lot of the time on the puter is, uh, duh, SCHOOL
HAM says:
I'm not telling him anything tonight, all he does is turn it back on me
HAM says:
I'm a little too charged for that right now
HAM says:
at least I recognize it though, eh?
Heather says:
Yah... have you ever tried writing him a letter so that you can READ and re-read it and get your thoughts straight and delete the really evil ones (i did that just this morning) lol
HAM says:
he ACTUALLY said this - when I told him I needed a short break, b/c I 'd been with them all night tonight (walk before dinner, dinner, then while he was gone) that it WAS MY CHOICE to read with them before bed, as if I could have ignored them and done something else!
HAM says:
are you freaking kidding me?!?
HAM says:
*sigh*
Heather says:
uhhhhhh
Heather says:
he really said that????
Heather says:
WHat a maroon!
HAM says:
as for the writing thing - that has NEVER worked - and when I say NEVER, I mean Never for us (though it is something I like to do, in theory)
HAM says:
yup, that is my husband. God help me, but I actually do love him
HAM says:

Heather says:
Heather I need to just reach out and give you a cyber hug.. FEEL IT NOW!!! I am doing it... and Its coming...
HAM says:
why is a mystery sometimes
HAM says:
lol, ahhh thanks
Heather says:

Heather says:
NO PROB
HAM says:
ok - i promised I'd watch Black donnellys with him
Heather says:
he is home?
HAM says:
not gonna give him more fodder cuz I'm stubborn like that
HAM says:
yup, he's downstairs
Heather says:
Tell him I said HELLLLOOOOOOOOO! And I am praying for you guys
HAM says:
Thanks!
Heather says:
I look forward to MEETing him
Heather says:
And bringing a frying pan
Heather says:
Just dont tell him
Heather says:
tee hee hee
HAM says:
Lol, he is a kick in the pants, when he's on his game.....he's sooooooooo OFF right now
HAM says:
must go now!
Heather says:
well I will pray for ON-ness
Heather says:
OK BYE!
Heather says:
starts in 1 minute BYE!

Comparing Notes

The following article is found at KidPower.com's SID site. I cut and pasted it and italicized the areas that 1.) coincide with LMNOB's behavior, or 2.) are important to note.

One Mom's Synopsis
The Out-Of-Sync Child
January 1, 2000

Dear Friends,Family,Therapists, and Teachers,

I have written a special synopsis that you are about to read. It is a synopsis of the book the "The Out of Sync Child" as it pertains to my daughter Katherine Amanda Kelly. As you may or may not be aware Katherine was evaluated at 2 years of age by the Birth to Three System of the State of Connecticut. This evaluation came after we as parents had concerns about her development. Katie had not been speaking many words by age two and this concerned us. She also seemed to be delayed in her development in different areas compared to other children I observed in our different activities we attended.

Katie has never gone to daycare, as her father and I work alternating schedules to take care of her ourselves. I always felt that outside activites were important for her socialization. Since she was 8 months old, we have attended a Gymboree play program, Mommy and Me, swimming, library hour, gymnastics, and Gymboree music class. All these activities have been wonderful for Katie. She has always been an energetic child and craved all this activity. Some people have thought my schedule was too full but it is just right for us. Going to all these activites also exposed us to many different children of different ages. This helped us compare Katie's development and recognize developmental patterns that parents of an only child may not be able to recognize with no other children to observe.

After Katie's evaluation, we were told that she had Sensory Integration Dysfunction. We were unaware of what this really meant for us and for Katie until we met with a speech therapist and occupational therapist. They each started coming to see Katie once a week. Now, after months of therapy, Katie has started to speak many more words and has been improving her fine motor skills. She has improved and been developing in so many different ways. We, as parents, are overjoyed to see this wonderful transformation.

We have learned many things about SI dysfunction during the therapy sessions with Katie. We, of course, wanted to know as much as we could. Knowledge is power. The more we can know about Katie's situation, the more we can help her in her development.

I have read many reference books that deal with SI dysfunction but the one that gave me the most information was the "The Out-of-Sync Child". I read this book cover to cover and jotted down notes as I read. Every child is unique and not all children will have every symptom of SI Dysfunction. I will try here, in few pages, to explain to you what SI Dysfunction is and how its various symptoms relate to Katie.

I will start my synopsis by discussing the basic problem we call Sensory Intergration Dysfunction. Most children I have read about with this problem have no identifiable disabilities, such as cerebral palsy or impaired vision. They seem to have everything going for them: they're healthy, intelligent, and dearly loved. Yet they struggle with the basic skills of tolerating ordinary sensations; of planning and organizing their actions; and of regulating their attention and activity levels.

Sensory Integration Dysfunction is the inability to process information received through the senses. The dysfunction happens in the central nervous system at the head of which is the brain. When a glitch occurs the brain cannot analyze, organize and connect- or integrate- sensory messages. The result of SI dysfunction is the child cannot respond to sensory information to behave in a meaningful and consistent way. The child may also have difficulty using sensory information to plan and organize what she needs to do, so she may not learn easily.

I have read that intervention at a young age is the most important as the brain is still "plastic" and can be molded alot easier than when a child gets older. So diagnosing Katie at a young age is a celebration! We are very pleased we have been able to identify the problem at two. Many times I have heard this called the invisible disorder as the child looks completely normal and many times the symptoms the child really has are overlooked.

So basically SI dysfunction is the inability to process information received through the senses. Katie may have difficulty "reading cues", either verbal or nonverbal, from her environment. The brain is disorganized so her behavior is disorganized. Every brain is unique as every fingerprint is unique so, as I mentioned earlier in my introduction, no child will exhibit all the symptoms.

I will go through some symptoms now. A child can be what is called oversensitive or undersenstive or can be both. A child with mild dysfunction is slightly impaired and may find ways to compensate so as I said before the problem is frequently overlooked. I will go through the different senses and how Katie relates, be it undersensitive, oversensitive, or both.

I feel Katie is both undersenstive as well as oversenstive, at times, when we talk about the sense of touch. Sometimes she avoids being touched by people. This depends on whether she is having an on or off day. Sometimes her nervous system is on and she can handle the touch. Other times it is off and she cannot handle the touch of someone or cannot tolerate feeling certain textures of clothing or food. She is also undersenstive in the way she may be unaware of pain, temperature, or how some objects feel. Sometimes she seeks more stimulation and may paw through toys, chew on objects, or bump into people or furniture.

When it comes to movement she is definitely undersenstive as she seeks more stimulation in this area. She loves to spin, rock, swing, twirl and hang upside down. She is definitely a daredevil!

She is also undersensitive when we discuss body position. She is sometimes clumsy and sometimes her actions are inaccurate. She also seeks more stimulation when it comes to sight. She wants to touch everything even though she can see perfectly fine.

She has also been known to be undersensitive to smell. The odor of dirty diapers has never bothered her along with many other unpleasant scents. She is also undersensitive to taste.

She has been very oversenstive (seeks less stimulation) to sight in the past. When she was first evalutated she had very poor eye contact. This has improved dramatically after therapy. She also has been oversensitive to sounds. Our Green Machine vacuum cleaner is very upseting to her.

When we look at behavior of children with SI Dysfunction the thing that relates to Katie the most is she has an unusually high activity level- she is always on the go. She is in constant motion. I have been able, recently, to get her to concentrate on an activity for 15 minutes. This is an improvement as it used to be five minutes maximum. Most of the time during an activity, she is running back and forth from one thing to another. She also seems to have self-regulation problems. She is sometimes unable to calm down once she is aroused. She may not always have this problem. As I said before, one day she is "with it". The next she is "out of it".

Symptoms of SI Dysfunction are often misinterpreted as psychological problems. These may develop if the underlying cause of SI Dysfunction is neither recognized or addressed early. SI Dysfunction is not a learning disability but can lead to them. The child with SI Dysfunction is a "child at risk".

Katie could have problems with vision. Connecting sights with touch sensations can be a problem for her. She may not know, just by looking, that a nail is sharp or a hammer is heavy.Katie has had some eating problems. She often does not chew carefully. She may overstuff her mouth because she does not realize how much is in there. She has been improving in this area.

Children with SI Dysfunction may have elimination problems. She may have poor bowel and bladder control. She may not perceive wetness or may have insufficient muscle tone to "hold it". Katie does not seem to be able to hold it in at all, from
what I have observed.

She also has some problems with sleep regulation. She may need a long afternoon nap or does not nap even when she is tired. She also can be overaroused at night.

SI Dysfunction often coexist with allergies. Katie is allergic to penicillin.

There are many possible causes for SI dysfunction and Katie has each one of these from what we understand. The cause can be genetic (parents have some SI dysfunction), medications and complications prenatally, prematurity, postnatal hospitalization, and birth trauma (C-section and lack of oxygen after birth).

As I said previously, young children respond well to early intervention- the central nervous system is still flexible and can change or be changed. Treatment helps the child process all the senses so they can work together. The senses are a combination of the near senses and the far senses. The near senses are: the vestibular sense (inner ear) which processes information on movement, gravity, and balance; the tactile sense (skin) which processes touch; and the proprioceptive sense (muscles, joints) which process information about body position and body parts. The far senses are: smell, taste, touch, sight, and sound.

Sensory Integration is the neurological process of organizing the information we get from our bodies and from the world around us for use in daily life. SI Dysfunction is the brain¹s inability to process sensations efficiently. There is a "traffic jam in the brain". There is a "short in the circuitry" and Katie is not responding in an ordinary way to ordinary sensations. She may be hyposensitive, hypersensitive, or be "on and off" and have a combination of these extremes. For example she has been hyposensitive and not responded to our dog Pebbles growl and subsequently was bitten. One day this bite may not phase her as she does not feel it but another day she may feel such a bite.

Katie is often very hypersenstive when it comes to touch as she is now constantly seeking it. She loves bear hugs as she is seeking deep touch. The child with tactile dysfunction will often curl their hands into loose fists to avoid touch. I found this information interesting as Katie always did that since she was an infant and will still do it but with less frequency now. This can affect their fine motor skills if they always have their hands in that position.

There are alot of characteristics of tactile dysfunction that Katie possesses. She is hypersensitive in that she prefers a hug to a kiss; sometimes overreacts to physically painful experiences; fusses about hats, mittens, and footwear; dislikes having her face washed; dislikes having her fingernails trimmed (you would think I was torturing her!); may walk tiptoe; is excessively ticklish; resists brushing her teeth; and resists having a haircut.

Recently she had a haircut that went very well compared to past haircut experiences. We had been working on her sense of touch in therapy and had a
therapy session the day of the haircut where we focused on preparing for it. It
made a world of difference.

For stimulation a child with tactile dysfunction may need to touch everything in sight, enjoys vibration, may prefer excessively sweet foods, and may use their mouth to investigate objects. Katie often likes to touch everything, loves vibration, and will sometimes still use her mouth on objects. Alot of time it is to open things she cannot yet do with her hands. She is gradually stopping this behavior as her fine motor skills improve.

Katie is definitely hyposenstive to vestibular sensations, Katie craves movement but her movements are sometimes disorganized. Linear movement can be soothing to Katie. She may rock when upset. It is kind of a tranquilizing self-therapy.

Most children have language problems like Katie where they use gestures and are more talkative after intense vestibular experiences such as sliding down a long slide. With vestibular hyposenstivity Katie constantly wants more movement! Climbing is her passion - to her everything is a ladder.

The vestibular and auditory systems work together. Language and speech are related to movement. Moving activates the ability to speak.

Another sense to be concerned with is the proprioceptive sense- one's own position sense; the unconscious sense of body movement. When you have an out-of-sync proprioceptive sense, manipulating objects may be difficult. Katie may put too much or too little pressure on objects, struggling to turn door knobs or breaking toys without meaning to do so. For sensory feedback Katie may do "bumping and crashing" into people or things, stamp feet on the ground when walking, or kick her heels against her chair.

Having an occupational therapist meet with Katie helps her develop her nervous system. Katie's actions are not her choice. No child chooses to be disorganized. What she needs are opportunites to integrate all sensations. "Sensations that make a child happy tend to be integrating".

In the book they mention keeping a record or your child's activities. Both of Katie therapists write up a record of each visit and it includes their concerns and suggestions for activites at home. It also is a written update of her progress. I have filed those in order of dates and keep my own notes with them. Doing this synopsis has also been a way for all of us to understand where Katie has been and where she is now in her development.

There are many activites we have done with Katie to promote sensory integration. They are too numerous to mention all of them here, but to give you an idea I will mention a few. We have done water play, finger drawing, sand play, used a feelie box (hide items in a box of beans), playdough, oral activities (flutes, bubble blowing), handling pets, swaddling, people sandwich, back rubs, dress up, hoppity hopping, rolling, swinging in a parachute, general swinging, spinning (on sit and spin), sliding, jumping on a trampoline,walking on unstable surfaces (clatter bridge),rocking, balancing on a large therapy ball, going up and down stairs, pushing and pulling (lifting groceries or pushing the shopping cart),pillow crashing, joint squeeze, carrying heavy loads (gallons of water or milk),bear hugs, body squeeze, manipulating small toys and objects, moving through obstacle courses, playground games, balloon games, clapping and tapping and drum beats.

There has been so much advice given in all the books I have read on SI Dysfunction. I think the most important advice was the following insights: to pay attention to your child (remember that your child's problem is a physical one and the indigestion of the brain causes her behavior-she can't help acting the way she is acting); know your child's strengths and weaknesses (get as much information as you can); anticipate responses (develop strategies to cope with negative emotions before they occur);empathize (understand the child's feelings and reflect them back);provide structure (establish routines and schedules); be consistent with discipline; and become your child's advocate.

I think that last piece of advice is why I wrote this synopsis for Katie. I need to educate adults who need to know about Katie's abilities. SI Dysfunction is invisible and people tend to forget or disbelieve that a significant problem affects my child. My job as her parent is to inform you so you can help my child learn and develop to her fullest potential.

Written with love and hope for a bright future...

I wonder...

if, the more I feel like a failure, the more I'm actually being successful?

How warped is that?

The reason why I wonder this, is because the last paper I wrote for school was the one I was the least pleased with - and still, looking over it again, I see some glaring needs for edits, but I got another A....a still higher one, even.

Thus far, I have gotten scores of 18 (A-), 18, 19 (still higher A-), and 20 (highest A-) with 21 being a perfect scored paper.

On that note...I am going to take a nap. I was up late last night...worrying, researching, writing.